Outrageous Lies About the Previous Poster, V.14 - Back to You Arya kiddin'!

[HexMachina]

Beautifulsouth0 has a booming party business, alongside her main career as a teacher. Her ability to cater for huge events at a couple of days notice, provide beautiful garments for the host/hostess, and create hundreds of intricate decorations for any occasion make her hugely popular in the local area. In fact, she has a wedding coming up on Thursday.

In other news, Beautifulsouth0 has decided an assessment is needed for her home economics classes at school tomorrow. Class 10-1a will need to produce their finest ever dresses, 9-2b will be having a game off "Make as much as you can in 2 hours" during their cookery class, while 11-1c show off their craft-making skills and make stunning streamers, table decorations and a whole variety of other decor. Beautifulsouth often springs these little tests. Its a miracle she can find the time to keep her party business going too!

[honeyed chicken]

Beautifulsouth0 has a booming party business, alongside her main career as a teacher. Her ability to cater for huge events at a couple of days notice, provide beautiful garments for the host/hostess, and create hundreds of intricate decorations for any occasion make her hugely popular in the local area. In fact, she has a wedding coming up on Thursday.

In other news, Beautifulsouth0 has decided an assessment is needed for her home economics classes at school tomorrow. Class 10-1a will need to produce their finest ever dresses, 9-2b will be having a game off "Make as much as you can in 2 hours" during their cookery class, while 11-1c show off their craft-making skills and make stunning streamers, table decorations and a whole variety of other decor. Beautifulsouth often springs these little tests. Its a miracle she can find the time to keep her party business going too!

Very sly piece. :thumbsup:

It's one thing to SAY you'd like to be a fly on the wall . . . pulling it off is another.

Helena is as good at disguises as Peter Sellers doing Clouseau in the Pink Panther movie franchise. Her dark hair gives way to a fly away greying blonde. She dons a hunchback suit with a paunch and becomes a maid in the hotel where her school is staying on a field trip to London. Even the hotel staff doesn't realize she isn't the real thing.

So she finds out:

Heather thinks Helena is a geek and an insufferable math nerd (that's OK. Heather is a total loser.). Gracie is planning to put something disgusting in Naomi's underwear. And her best friend Daisy is afraid she might have gotten pregnant three and a half weeks ago sleeping with Helena's boyfriend (that was a REALLY hard gasp to swallow).

THEN she started listening in on her teachers. She found out that Mrs. Dymm also thinks Helena is an insufferable math know-it-all (that hurt!). Mrs.Frail is having an affair with Mrs.Goin.

NOW that she knows all this, what is she going to DO with the information?

THIS is going to take some careful planning.

[beautifulsouth0]

All throughout his school years, Honeyed Chicken kept a secret hobby: he stole a hall pass from each and every one of his teachers. He has over 40 collected. His favorites are the laminated copy of DaVinci's Starry Starry Night, which he smuggled out of Mr Gold's art class, and the 16"X 16" wooden block that his shop teacher carved out of an old railroad tie.

Noone knew of his project, and at his 10 yr high school reunion, noone believed the mild mannered valedictorian had it in him to swipe all of these relics himself. Spread throughout the school years, no coordinated effort seemed to be in play, therefore no mystery had ever presented itself to be resolved. At the 20 year reunion, the illicit collection was displayed and he developed a presentation to discuss it.

It was during this presentation that HC was visciously attacked by Gordon Hoffman, a high school hoodlam and ne'er-do-well, recently paroled for auto theft. "It was you the whole time," he screamed, wrapping his hands around HC's throat. As a few people from the front rows pulled him off and then drug him away, Gordon told them how he had gotten suspension in 10th grade for taking Mrs. Whitehead's hall pass, although he swore he never did it. Since noone ever believed him, he marked that moment as the turning point in his life. "From there I went bad." Said Gordon, poining a finger. "It was you all along! I could have been somebody... could have grown up into a good person. Instead I was accused to be a thief, so I became a thief." He broke into tears, and those in attendance became silent as they reflected on tiny turns their lives could have made.

And dancing afterwards at Jarvee's Billiards and Reception Hall was unofficially cancelled, as the overall mood became so suddenly somber.

Edited for: damn, I used the word noone so many times it got repetative sounding. Someone needs to get Roget's Thesaurus or structure their sentences a little better. :P

[Arya kiddin']

I state this with utmost respect and in all seriousness I can muster after just three cups of coffee. Bs0 is an author of exceptional capabilities. Yesterday I was talking to her and found out about the latest book she has written. It is the sort of ground breaking work we see in millennia that redefines the rules as we know it, of art. The book surpasses all the literature that I have read, or have not read, the literature that exists or could have existed and the literature as we know it or can not know it. The book consists of eleven chapters, and the entire book is a palindrome. Not just that, you can read from chapters 2 to 10 and it is still a palindrome, and the story makes sense still. The same goes for chapters 3 to 9, 4 to 8, 5 to 7 and chapter 6 alone. The effort that must have gone to achieve that is unthinkable, rejoice ladies and gentlemen, we have a rare genius in our midst. :cheers:

Phew!! The perks of writing in binary :)

[honeyed chicken]

Binary, schminary!

The truth is Ak has a thing for Fibonacci numbers: 1 + 1 = 2; 1 + 2 = 3; 2 + 3 = 5; 3 + 5 = 8; 5 + 8 = 13; 8 + 13 = 21 . . .

Ak fervently believes that each year of his age in that sequence is a special year. 1 of course, and 2 was wonderful and 3 and 5 and 8 . . . but then he had to wait till 13 for the next great year. And till 21 was interminable. And after 21? That's too far off to even contemplate.

Yet another reason growing older sucks. :P

[KJR the PR of TaFW]

HC believes that if he stays up late enough every night, someday Peter Pan will come flying through his window. Sadly, so far he has only achieved catching a glimpse of Tinker Bells wings before the sun rose again :crying: Poor HC

[Knight of Ashes]

Due to overindulgence in botox treatments, KJR now has a permanent expression of what looks like a leer on his face (also, an uncontrollable drool). So now, even innocuous questions like "Can I put a log in your fireplace?" gets him a severe slap or a punch in the face, or on occasion, a misunderstood assent.

[honeyed chicken]

HC believes that if he stays up late enough every night, someday Peter Pan will come flying through his window. Sadly, so far he has only achieved catching a glimpse of Tinker Bells wings before the sun rose again :crying: Poor HC

You're supposed to be telling lies. This is true! ;)

KoA - for many people yours is the truth too - hopefully not for KJR!

KoA bought a house recently that was built in the 50's and has it's own bomb shelter built off the basement down into the side of a hill. It turns out to be the absolutely perfect man cave. In the fall he and his buddies disappear underground for NFL games on the 80 inch flat screen. Other times it's for NHL games, and occasionally XXX movies.

[HexMachina]

Knight of Ashes, ever the party animal, once decided to liven up a quiet Sunday morning in a local village. After rolling around in sticky wax (which Knight of Ashes has a lot of and keeps stocked....dont ask, its another story), dusting himself in talcum.powder and then covering himself luminous pink feathers (again, its a long story why he had these) Knight of Ashes ran through the streets with CLUCK! and a SQUAK! and a flapping of his arms.

Most unfortunately, a rainstorm hit while he was out, washing off wax, talc and feathers, leaving KoA's as nature intended. Even more unfortunately, how nature intended is NOT how the police intended, and KOA's was taken away for public indecency

[honeyed chicken]

Young women who are smart and have really good imaginations shouldn't grow up in quiet little villages in the countryside.

Helena doesn't look at her town of Lower Hamstershire and think, "BORIIIIIIING!!" (far better she should). She looks at it and thinks, "I wonder what Principal Knackerman would look like walking through town with Ms. Paddlemee's panties hanging out of his back pocket?" or "I wonder what people would say if a ghost appeared behind Deacon Abbot during Sunday sermon?"

Thought leads to action and rumors are spreading fast about the teacher and the businesswoman. At the old stone church parishioners were seen flying out the door screaming. Deacon Abbot lost his glasses in the hubbub and never did see what the fuss was all about.

[HexMachina]

^:rofl:

As we draw closer to the end of this version of the thread, I encourage you all to look back at some of the spectacular posts made. One of my favourites has to be AK's "feather tort

ure".

As I walked along Northumberland Street, I smiled fondly at the many buskers I passed. The violinist was incredible as always, the singers were angelic, and the golden "statues" were intriguing. However, reaching the junction with Grey's Street, a peculiar sight blemished the familiar scene. For on the corner was Honeyed Chicken. I was about to wave a greeting when his performance began.

With a smile to passers-by, he declared: "My name is Honeyed Chicken. I do impressions. I have been training at this for years, and any change you can spare is much appreciated, and will go towards my all important hair regrowth treatment*." With a small bow, he began.

"Look, I'm a stick insect!" he cried, throwing his arms above his head and beaming broadly.

"And now, an egg!" He dropped to the floor and curled in a ball. "A cracked egg!" he spead out his limbs wildly.

"A Fire!!" He sprang to his feet and began waving his arms about, a crazed look in his eye. People were giving him concerned glances as they passed him.

"Hey, you, stop!" cried HC. "You watched you should pay!" So saying, HC took off up the street after the fleeing observers, screaming some gibberish about not knowing real talent when they saw it

*due to the great stress and trauma endured throughout his life, as chronicled over the course of this thread, HC had gone prematurely bald, and was undergoing treatment in a special Tibetan monastery to regrow his once gorgeous hair.

[beautifulsouth0]

Helena's favorite hot dog condiments are german mustard with gummy worms. Don't knock it til you try it!

[honeyed chicken]

Helena's favorite hot dog condiments are german mustard with gummy worms. Don't knock it til you try it!

Can't be much worse than that well known German favorite, pommes mit mayo. :)

It's an unusual job, I confess. I work in a greenhouse emergency room.

We get the kind of houseplant traumas you'd expect: failing to water, lack of compost, excessive exposure to toddler handling, feline nibbling.

This past week we got a series of patients, err plants, with a condition none of us had witnessed before. The plants were wilted but not from lack of water - the tissue was crushed as if by air pressure. Eventually we found an expert who asked a number of questions that we could answer negatively, till she came to this one: "does the plant's owner sing opera?"

When we asked this question of the plant's owner, a woman named BeautifulSouth0, she actually blushed. Turned out she is indeed an opera buff and was doing her best Madame Butterfly.

Gives you new respect for the power of the human voice.

[beautifulsouth0]

(Wait, is pommes mit mayo french fries w mayo? Cuz that's hella good.... I ate them that way in Amsterdam, Cologne and in a couple of cities on the Rhine, and now I mix mayo and ketchup together for the best of both worlds! Don't eat fries a lot, tho...)

Honeyed Chicken was starting a new hobby as a bee keeper, but the hundreds of stings he received in the first week had him change the original plan. Now he's repurposed the hives into composting crates, and he goes around the neighborhood collecting table scraps and coffee grounds to add to the rotting leaves he placed in there. The neighbors are petitioning the local police for a cease and desist order, due to the smell coming from the back yard. But when the sheriff went to nvestigate and talk to HC prior to doing anything official, he was chased from the site by swarms of leftover bees.

[KJR the PR of TaFW]

beautifulsouth0 knows the story above, because she is one of HC's next-door neighbors. After the composting accident, she decided to take matters into her own hands. Using a hatchet, a space suit, a fly swatter, and a blowtorch, she viciously attacked the dividing white washed fence. upon breaking said fence to many little smithereens, she began systematically swatting bees and BBQing compost piles. When later interviewed, beautifulsouth0 merely stated that "Hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do."

[honeyed chicken]

(Wait, is pommes mit mayo french fries w mayo? Cuz that's hella good.... I ate them that way in Amsterdam, Cologne and in a couple of cities on the Rhine, and now I mix mayo and ketchup together for the best of both worlds! Don't eat fries a lot, tho...)

Honeyed Chicken was starting a new hobby as a bee keeper, but the hundreds of stings he received in the first week had him change the original plan. Now he's repurposed the hives into composting crates, and he goes around the neighborhood collecting table scraps and coffee grounds to add to the rotting leaves he placed in there. The neighbors are petitioning the local police for a cease and desist order, due to the smell coming from the back yard. But when the sheriff went to nvestigate and talk to HC prior to doing anything official, he was chased from the site by swarms of leftover bees.

I should have known that you would have had them - but I thought it sounded funny enough to go with.

beautifulsouth0 knows the story above, because she is one of HC's next-door neighbors. After the composting accident, she decided to take matters into her own hands. Using a hatchet, a space suit, a fly swatter, and a blowtorch, she viciously attacked the dividing white washed fence. upon breaking said fence to many little smithereens, she began systematically swatting bees and BBQing compost piles. When later interviewed, beautifulsouth0 merely stated that "Hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do."

I deplore these vicious attacks against good composting - which does not stink!!!! :P

There's no time to lose!

KJR grabs a handful of lollipops from the jar by the door and sprints down the street, but it's no use. The kids on their bikes and skateboards are too fast. Another failed attempt to bribe the neighbor kids to come play twister with him.

[beautifulsouth0]

Honeyed Chicken spent 2 years between college and grad school working as a living statue in Venice, Italy. His most popular character was rhe Italian Renaissance Artist in white. He was so successful and so skilled in involving the goings-on around him into his poses that he considers it a viable career to fall back on should his city need to lay off any civic engineers.

[Arya kiddin']

bs0 has the strangest fetishes, one of the numerous reasons she can't have a boyfriend past the third date. I mean eating food off of feet is one thing, but forcing a guy to wear Victoria's Secret is a crime against humanity!! She has been banned from thirty dating sites, but still the consummate man-hunter persists.

Btw, if we're talking end of the thread favorites, I'd say KoA's "He's not a man anymore Edna!" , Helena's "MAy the truth evade you forever" and Bs0's "Fake coma tantrum" :thumbsup: I didn't much like what Honeyed Chicken wrote though.

:P

[HexMachina]

Bedraggled, angry, and covered in mud, Arya Kiddin' stumped up the garden and shouldered the door to his house open.
"I'm home." He called glumly.
"In the kitchen muttonchops!" his mother replied in a voice so sweet that flies and bees from miles around were honing in on as she spoke.
AK stumped into the kitchen and dropped heavily into a chain, sighing.
"Oh pumpkin, where have you been! I was worried sick. Are you okay, have you been eating well? Tell mommy, there there poppet." fretted AK's mother.
"Its a long story" he said, his voice muffled by an arm thrown around his neck in a crushing embrace. "And I dont want to talk about it."
His mother gave him a sickly sweet look, with a hint around her eyes that promised she would wring the story from him eventually.
"Well, if you're sure. Anyway, while you were away I signed for some parcels for you. I'll fetch them in." So saying, she bustled out of the room.
AK was excited. Parcels? For him? He beamed broadly. Maybe this was the start of a wonderful new life after all he had-
But no. That was the past. He would'nt think.about it.
AK's mother backed into the room, he backside poonted in tbe air. She was dragging something. A shard of ice seemed to pierce AK's heart. It couldn' t be.
"This one is from Helena. Isn't it a lovely feather?"
"This one is from the Tibetan monks. Well, its.a letter. They say you are behind in the rent for your cave"
"Another letter, this one from Beautifulsouth0. She says can she have the membership robes back."
"And a letter from the hospital. They're suing you for wasting their time."
"Oh, and this is a lovely picture of you sent to me by Helena. Its you sniffing someone's boxer shorts. Dhe says they are Justin Beibers, if you would belieb! she added a little note, saying she has more."
AK was growing slowly more angry. His hands began to shake.
His mother went on in her sweet voice, unconcerned.
"This one is from that lovely boy Honeyed Chick.en" his mother was saying. "Isn't it a lovely canoe?"
Sitting at the table, a vein began to twitch in AK's eye. Some things you just never escape from

[horizon]

Is Justin Bieber.