GOODKIND VII, The sword of truthiness

[niamh]

THAT's how you show 'em you despise faith!! I say.

The guy is a mirror image of what he hates and fears, and he can't bleeding see it. I don't understand.

[MinDonner]

I also normally take weekends off, but this thread has become a bit too compelling for its own good... I'm starting to run a bit short of parody material, as there are only so many books that will be sufficiently recognisable to most people on the board, but I think I should be fairly safe with this one - The Rise of Richard Rahl...

"Quick, Sabetha, take off your top" rasped Richard. "The guards will be so busy looking at your boobs that I'll be able to rob the mansion."

Sabetha's eyes shined as she looked at her love. Richard, the Thorn of Camorr. Deadly with a blade and stunningly handsome in his yeard, his cunning plans like this one had made them the richest gang in the city.

"But Richard, surely stealing is immoral?" she asked fearfully.

"No, you see, because only we have the moral clarity to spend this money wisely. These filthy commie liberals would only spend it on helping the poor and needy, making those unfortunate souls dependent on charity when they should be using their independence to find their own way out of crippling poverty. You see,...<snip>

<3 pages of speech later> ...We, on the other hand, will spend it on our Army of Truth to CRUSH THE UNWORTHY BENEATH OUR JACKBOOTED FEET!!!!!!"

Richard's plan seemed to be working. The guards leered lewdly as they ogled Sabetha's ample bosom, not noticing Richard as he carried chest after chest of valuables from the house they were guarding. But suddenly a dark shape swooped overhead and a man materialised in the courtyard. It was a Bondsmage!

The bondsmage threw his raptor-like gaze onto Richard. He began to mutter a dire spell. Richard felt his strength begin to drain away, and all seemed lost. At the very last moment, however, Richard remembered the Thief's Third Rule - always have a deus ex machina up your sleeve. He raised his arms and his sleeve fell back, revealing tattooed bands around his wrist. He had been a bondsmage all along, and what's more it was one of a higher level than the one that was attacking him. And he had a better type of magic that cancelled out the other mage's magic and turned it back on him and stuff like that. The other bondsmage was blasted into a million pieces, but in such a way that it wouldn't cause the other bondsmages to be pissed off about it.

"Phew, that was close." said Sabetha. Richard laughed, Sabetha laughed, the guards laughed.

(really hoping that Scott doesn't take this the wrong way!)

[BranTheBuilder]

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

I'm lost for words. :cry:

once again Mindonner - you are a freaking genius!

[一方通行]

wait..

Richard is the hero right?

thats the impression i had from other Qotd.

but enforced Emporer worship. they acctualy call it "devotion"?

Master Rahl guide us. Master Rahl teach us. Master Rahl protect us. In your light we thrive. In your mercy we are sheltered. In your wisdom we are humbled. We live only to serve. Our lives are yours.â€

WTFxelevetybillion

[MinDonner]

Just read the QotD - so Richard's now holy, and a source of miracles? WTF?? I try to parody this guy and every time I am trumped by the Yeard himself (BBHN)...

[Moosicus]

Another triumph Mindonner, keep up the good work.

[Lord Melkor]

But I remember Darken Rahl, Richard`s evil father and WFR main villain, forcing his subjects to pray in the same way! How is Richard diffrent from him? I have read only first book( with no intention to follow) and I thought Richard claimed to stand against everything his father represented.....

Poor power-hungry objectivists...

[Larry.]

I'm beginning to hope that the next parody won't come from the Propaganda chapter of Mein Kampf. Then again, it would fit in with some of what Goodkind has been trying to say, and it would be as equally 'well-written' :sick:

And yes, before anyone asks, I had to read through that badly-written work at least a half-dozen times while doing my grad research. I have nightmares about it still, sometimes...but Adolf G**dk*nd (BBHN)...hrmm...

[BranTheBuilder]

MinDonner has got me thinking about possible parodies... unfortunately my first thought (don't ask me why) was of G--dK-nd/Umberto Eco hybrid

and my brain melted.

[Draco the Lizard]

But I remember Darken Rahl, Richard`s evil father and WFR main villain, forcing his subjects to pray in the same way! How is Richard diffrent from him? I have read only first book( with no intention to follow) and I thought Richard claimed to stand against everything his father represented.....

But Richard is the good guy, Melkor! Not the bad! That's the difference!

Plus, it's all for the D'Haran's own good.

Still, I am SO glad I didn't read Chainfire!

[Moosicus]

It's been well established that everything Richard does is not only moral, but the only moral thing to do. Especially when he's killing people. Compared to that, how bad is it that everybody has to press their heads to the ground and swear faith to him? It's only right and proper that Richard has his moral ass kissed over and over again.

[Enguerrand]

The devotion has always puzzled me. It's obviously parallel to the islamic religious prayer and I understand Goodkind has very few good things to say about religious faith.

Now I know that this complete submission protects Richard's subjects from mind control, but still from a self-confessed believer in freedom, personal responsibility and the american constitution, Goodkind's endorsement of this worship is jarring.

Has he explained this in any interview?

[Jaxom 1974]

A call to MinDonner: If you do another parody, it should be something with Clan of the Cave Bear...Kahlan as Ayla, shagging their way across the Midlands for Richard...

[niamh]

But I remember Darken Rahl, Richard`s evil father and WFR main villain, forcing his subjects to pray in the same way! How is Richard diffrent from him? I have read only first book( with no intention to follow) and I thought Richard claimed to stand against everything his father represented.....

Poor power-hungry objectivists...

He's kinda tried to avoid it, but his subjects won't hear otherwise. So now he's kinda cool with it, and happy to be a God.

Frankly it does make no sense. You could argue it's TG's way of saying, "see, the good guy don't upset people's traditional cultures after all, even the wacky ones"

[Scott Lynch]

Mindonner, write me at [email protected] and give me your preferred mailing address and any name you like, because I'm going to sign a book to you in the rudest fashion possible.

I can't believe you just parody cross-fanficc'd a character from two books in my future with Goodkind's stuff. My brain now demands ethyl alcohol and lots of it.

Cheers!

SL

[Odie]

I have a long and sordid history with Goodkind.

I dated a guy in college who got me reading them. I think Book 4 came out in that time, or maybe it was already out, I don't know.

I.... liked them. The first three anyway. Yes, I hang my head in shame.

I kinda forgot about them, and then I started dating my ex. He liked Goodkind too.... and shockingly, he was the one who made me read aGoT. Well, needless to say I'm glad he's gone from my life. Though he did leave me with Kaylen, my cat. Why do I mention this, you ask? Because he wanted to name her Khalan, but he pronounced her name "Kaylen". I told him we could name her that, but we'd spell it Kaylen because that just looks right.

So yes. To this day, I own a cat who is named after a Goodkind character.

I haven't read him since I plowed my way through Pillars of Creation. Which I pretty much only did because I bought it as a gift for said ex, and I'd read it while waiting for him to get off work, hiding it back under the seat of the car when I was done. Once I start reading a series I Want To Know What Happens, Dammit. It took SIX BOOKS (six books? Was it seven at that point?) to make me finally give up.

Fortunatly I am now free and clear of any like of the man's works that I may have once had. In fact, after all these threads I want to go back and read him with awakend eyes. But I have so many other important things to do, like plucking my eyebrows and washing my car (two things that I rarely, if ever do).

It's been a long, bumpy road, but here I am. Thanks for listening, your sympathy helps to heal my pain.

[BranTheBuilder]

I can't believe you just parody cross-fanficc'd a character from two books in my future with Goodkind's stuff. My brain now demands ethyl alcohol and lots of it.

Wow!

[Jaxom 1974]

I can't believe you just parody cross-fanficc'd a character from two books in my future with Goodkind's stuff. My brain now demands ethyl alcohol and lots of it.

Ah, now THAT is a compliment!

[Larry.]

It's amusing to think that in the 8 months or so that the Goodkind threads have been up that we've had no less than four authors (Martin, Erikson, Bakker, and now Lynch) react in various ways in interviews, blogs, websites, book signings, and within this page to things that have been said in these 7 threads. Simply amazing.

Oh, maybe I'll feel like leaving a comment on Jordan's blog someday to see if he'll react to the '50 million' comment made by Goodkind's agent, considering that WoT gets 2-3 times the first-run prints and less returns than SoT apparently.

I'm just amazed, though, in hearing that for an author that rarely sells above 200K hardcovers that his agent recently requested $10 million over 3 books from Tor (didn't get it, but got a substantial amount). That's close to the numbers that Crichton got for his sequel to Jurassic Park, which sold into the low millions in combined sales. Makes me wonder how much Jordan and Martin are being paid, considering that both sold over double the hardcover volume in 2005 than Goodkind did, at least according to Publishers Weekly and whose softcover editions apparently are going strong as well.

The world is a whacky place. And Dan Brown has sold 60 million of that The Da Vinci Code stuff. If there's going to be a WFR movie, I do believe that I will indeed leave the US, because there would be no hope remaining there :sick:

But that's a topic for another time

[Sad King Billy]

I have a long and sordid history with Goodkind.

I dated a guy in college who got me reading them. I think Book 4 came out in that time, or maybe it was already out, I don't know.

I.... liked them. The first three anyway. Yes, I hang my head in shame.

I kinda forgot about them, and then I started dating my ex. He liked Goodkind too.... and shockingly, he was the one who made me read aGoT. Well, needless to say I'm glad he's gone from my life. Though he did leave me with Kaylen, my cat. Why do I mention this, you ask? Because he wanted to name her Khalan, but he pronounced her name "Kaylen". I told him we could name her that, but we'd spell it Kaylen because that just looks right.

So yes. To this day, I own a cat who is named after a Goodkind character.

I haven't read him since I plowed my way through Pillars of Creation. Which I pretty much only did because I bought it as a gift for said ex, and I'd read it while waiting for him to get off work, hiding it back under the seat of the car when I was done. Once I start reading a series I Want To Know What Happens, Dammit. It took SIX BOOKS (six books? Was it seven at that point?) to make me finally give up.

Fortunatly I am now free and clear of any like of the man's works that I may have once had. In fact, after all these threads I want to go back and read him with awakend eyes. But I have so many other important things to do, like plucking my eyebrows and washing my car (two things that I rarely, if ever do).

It's been a long, bumpy road, but here I am. Thanks for listening, your sympathy helps to heal my pain.

Since it's confessorion time, I also read the whole series, from book 1 all the way till Naked empire. All my books were translations into dutch, though, and I'm grateful for that. Even translated, the books got gradually worse (a translator cannot simply remove speeches out of the books, no matter how justified). Naked Empire was the first goodkind book I read in English. Well, let's just say I felt very, véry dirty afterwards... You know when you want to reach for something in the dark, and you grab a thing (sorry, couldn't resist) that's insect-infested instead? That was heaven compared to Naked Empire...