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Dating 9: resolving the cliffhangers of the last thread


Angalin

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Drac said




That's why I wrote it like I did - at 4am I couldn't find another way to describe it :laugh: I guess I meant that maybe I'm doing myself a disservice by constantly forgiving behaviour that makes me feel like crap.


Then I wandered off and did some washing!


That's true, especially if the forgiving and behavior is all one way!


There is no harm in waiting and seeing, unless it changes your intention to move in May.




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Drac said

That's why I wrote it like I did - at 4am I couldn't find another way to describe it :laugh: I guess I meant that maybe I'm doing myself a disservice by constantly forgiving behaviour that makes me feel like crap.

Then I wandered off and did some washing!

That's true, especially if the forgiving and behavior is all one way!

There is no harm in waiting and seeing, unless it changes your intention to move in May.

That's something that concerns me. We'll see. After a terrible night's sleep, I'm still not feeling great.

LITA - sorry to hear your news. Hope everything works out for you!

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May I interject an answer to a questioj from early in the last thread:

"When do you say 'I love you'"?

My answer was when you're ready which between my wife and I was pretty quickly. Now, this is not to say things were always hunky dory between us after that moment, they weren't, we went through several very rough patches, but, it wasn't because we were afraid or too willing to say we loved each other.

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I think you should say it as soon as you feel like you can stand by the statement, and not worry too much about the other person saying it back or creating some weird power balance thing in the relationship. In my experience you will have much better long term success with open and straightforward communication, even if as Ser Scot says you might hit some rough patches in the short term.

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"When do you say 'I love you'"?

herr marx addresses this problematic definitively:

The chief defect of all hitherto existing amorous declaration is that the thing, reality, sensuousness, is conceived only in the form of the object or of contemplation, but not as sensuous human activity, practice, not subjectively. Hence, in contradistinction to amorous declaration, the active side was developed abstractly by idealism – which, of course, does not know real, sensuous activity as such.

One wants sensuous objects, really distinct from the thought objects, but does not conceive human activity itself as objective activity. Hence, one regards the theoretical attitude as the only genuinely human attitude, while practice is conceived and fixed only in its 'dirty' manifestation. Hence one does not grasp the significance of “revolutionary”, of “practical-critical”, activity.

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That's something that concerns me. We'll see. After a terrible night's sleep, I'm still not feeling great.

LITA - sorry to hear your news. Hope everything works out for you!

Drac, LITA, best of luck. Sometimes it is time to move on, and sometimes it is time to hold things together. Trust yourself to know the difference. Don't second guess your decision just because it is hard.

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Good for him, Kay. He's not wasting any time either. Have fun tonight.




Drac, your boyfriend dropped the ball. It sounds like he needs to grow up a little bit. You've gotten some good advice here, I wish you the very best as you sort this out.



Solo,



The dictionary's no help with this one.



Could we get a translator? Ser Scott?

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It's not that it isn't sweet he misses me, he just won't be in a datable proximity for much longer and I'm trying not to get too invested. But, other than that things are going well and I love movies

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I've been emailing the girl I met last week, and we're hoping to meet for theatre a week yesterday, and hopefully for dinner in a week. The distance could be an issue, though Edinburgh's half-way.


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I think that Dracarya's issue raises a key point about relationships and that is: expectations. As a wise man once said: all suffering stems from desire. In this case it is a desire for care and support, which has not been met and that has led to suffering. Rather than ask if a person is wrong or a bad partner for not offering that support to us when we need it, we should ask ourselves how important it is to us that we feel supported in that way within our relationship.



As an extremely self-reliant person I had previously accepted that I had never gotten that kind of support in any of my relationships and that was the normal status quo for me. It wasn't a deal breaker for me as I just grew to accept that I couldn't lean on my partner when I was low and in need of support (I either leant on my friends instead or dealt with problems by myself). When I say that I accepted it I mean that it was not a source of argument or bad feeling within the relationship, that's just how things were and I was ok with it.



It should be noted that sometimes people who are untrustworthy and unreliable do not see themselves that way. Sometimes people like to think of themselves as caring and supportive partners when actually they aren't. In those cases I call bullshit and reeducate those people in the very strongest terms. No way is anyone going to get away with that. Fine, if you don't want to be reliable and supportive, that's totally cool. But don't try to take credit for something you aren't doing. Be honest with yourself about the kind of person you are. :)



If you know that you need someone you can lean on in times of trouble and that this is an expectation in a LTR then you need to make sure you make that abundantly clear to your partner. And it seems like Dracarya has done that already. So then if you still aren't getting your needs met you'll be forced to ask yourself if this expectation of support is a dealbreaker or not. If you aren't happy without it...



For me, now that I do have an incredibly supportive partner I kind of wonder how I was ever truly happy in a relationship in the past, when I couldn't 100% rely on the person I loved. Maybe I wasn't. For me it's more of a luxury item than a necessity. I'm still very independent and I'll get by on my own if I have to, but it's just so much nicer not to have to. :)

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Good post Isis. My golden rule is expect nothing of your partner (STR/LTR). Ask for what you want, don't expect anything. People who go into relationships with expectations of shit they will receive from their partner are poison.






So you're saying those are all bad moves




I am honestly in disbelief that men like this still exist in 2014. Who the hell validates them??


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That's good to hear, Mandy. Not that things aren't working out, but that you're OK with it :) Also fuck that J dangit guy, and the guy who ditched you because you had kids.




Since it's been all busy nights for me with bars, concerts, and burlesque-shows we are going to have a pizza-and-TV date this week and kind of just be together. I think it's going to be great, but then I just plain love spending time with this woman so I could probably sit around watching paint dry if I got to do it with her.



ETA



I forgot which thread I was posting in, so I should clarify we're having actual, real pizza, not innuendo pizza. We're still taking it slow.


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Didn't see the post by Isis until now:

Good advice, and wise words as usual. I've never had a relationship where I felt like I could rely on someone. I've always been independent, and just relied on myself. But he's been telling me since day 1 that I should trust and rely on him more, and that he'd support me. And yet, when I asked him to, he dropped the ball, as Lily said.

I've discussed it at length with him. He's pretty immature sometimes, and doesn't always grasp the full extent of a situation. He needs to grow up, is the long and short of it, but he's working on it. I explained what I expected from him, and he accepted that I wasn't being unreasonable, and that he hadn't acted in the best way.

I foresee a conversation soon, about expectations, and where we see this relationship going, especially as we'll be living near each other again, and will be spending a lot more time together.

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