Kelli Fury Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Kids are a deal breaker for me, I DO NOT WANT any- mine or anyone else's. So, it would be impossible for me to be in a serious relationship with someone who had kids. I just don't want them to be part of my life, and what am I going to do, ignore them? It's not anything to do with the person, it's just a lifestyle choice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yagathai Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 In other news, while I was away at a convention, a casual acquaintance who I've met all of twice apparently visited Philly. She txted me that she was in town, and I told her that I wasn't. Then she txts me again to say she's leaving town, and I'm like... OK. Then she starts txting me out of the blue and we end up having a pretty long involved chat (not the dirty kind). Long story short, I think she wants to get with deez. Which is strange, because when we met before there was zero flirty vibe, and now suddenly ALL THE VIBES. Complication: She's barely two weeks out of a 2.5 year relationship and she apparently sees the ex- regularly on a social basis, so that's baggage. On the other hand, she's fairly hot and picking up the rebound may not be the worst idea in the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yagathai Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Kids are a deal breaker for me, I DO NOT WANT any- mine or anyone else's. So, it would be impossible for me to be in a serious relationship with someone who had kids. I just don't want them to be part of my life, and what am I going to do, ignore them? It's not anything to do with the person, it's just a lifestyle choice Just think of them as indoor goats that you're not allowed to milk or slaughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sperry Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Having a kid is like having a roommate that always wants to hang out, and if you say no, they'll actually die. Not sure where I saw that, but it's true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 A drunk roommate to boot... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 I think the custody situation matters more than the age of the kids. If the kids are living with your prospective partner full time, it's going to be harder to schedule dates and such than if it's a joint custody situation. I don't particularly want kids of my own, but I don't have a problem if there are already kids in the picture assuming it becomes a serious relationship. Luckily for me that is kind of a non-issue in my current situation, since Lady J's son is old enough for me to go out and have a beer with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Can you afford it? Are you OK with adding another 18 (or more!) years of having a kid live with you before you and your SO have the house to yourselves? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Alexander Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Not sure if this fits here, since it's in the context of a long term relationship rather than dating, and it certainly cuts against the current direction of the thread, but my fiancee over the weekend told me she wants to start trying for a baby sometime in the next few months. I was surprised, but not shocked, since this was a discussion we'd had early on in the relationship that we had kind of tabled until a later date: neither of us were gung ho about having one, but neither of us were adamantly against it. We both have kids from previous relationships and we're in our mid-30s. I had honestly thought I was done having kids, because we've been together for several years and the topic had never been brought up again during that time, so I kind of played it cool and started talking about some of the obstacles we may face, but inside I was thrilled (I will admit that part of that may have been the reason she gave for wanting to try for another - when I asked her "why?" her answer was "I never had a pregnancy that I planned in advance, and if I had the ability to go back and plan them, I'd want them to all be with you" - talk about well played). I have only three real concerns: 1) Her health - I know that the increased risk hardly extreme, but the fact remains that there is an elevated risk of complications for a 36/37-ish woman having a baby. 2) Integrating a new member into our already blended family. 3) Realizing this will most likely delay me finishing work on my book by at least a year or so. So, is there anything I'm missing? Plane tickets? Do YOU want kids? Having a kids is not a yes+maybe decision. It's a 100% yes+yes decision. If there are any concerns and not pure certainty, don't do it. Personally I think a man would have to be mad to want to have children with a woman who already has children from previous relationship (even if she is a widow, although that softens the situation a little bit). Double the madness if he has children himself. But you know me, I'm a monster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Oh if the youngest is four then it doesn't matter much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlefingers In The Air Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 For those of you who have intended to have a child your mid 30's, how big a factor is family history of terminal illness? I know my family has a long history of men and women dying from diabetes/lung cancer/breast cancer in their early to late 50's. Obviously, those aren't hereditary but trends are trends and it seems like expected lifespan would be a huge deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yagathai Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Huh. Pretty sure I just made a a date. She's coming down from Baltimore just to hang out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Valley Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Mandy, I think the biggest dealbreaker here is that he couldn't be bothered to read your profile. That's just stupid. You deserve better than stupid. I think it means that Herr Marx thought that we needed a revolution in the way that we think about love right along next to the revolution where we hang cappies from lamposts with the ropes that they sold us. Thank you. With this frame of reference, the dictionary and google might have more uses than fire-starting equipment. I have continued their sentencing hearing for one week. For those of you who have intended to have a child your mid 30's, how big a factor is family history of terminal illness? I know my family has a long history of men and women dying from diabetes/lung cancer/breast cancer in their early to late 50's. Obviously, those aren't hereditary but trends are trends and it seems like expected lifespan would be a huge deal. It was a big deal for me to think about how long I might live and whether or not I wanted to spend all of my healthy years raising children. In my mid-thirties I dated several people who wanted to have children. I had to tell them to go have children with someone else. There were socioeconomic reasons and personality conflicts that made that decision very easy each time. The risk for cancer and heart disease is hereditary. Talk to your doctor.Huh. Pretty sure I just made a a date. She's coming down from Baltimore just to hang out. Flying them in, eh? What will all the other girls say? I have a question regarding kids and meetings. I am accustomed to being able to balance dating and family with no problem while Gary was out of town. It is not going to be possible anymore without some overlap in the next two weeks. Gary has no children. The children in his imagination are cute little things that may or may not backtalk or misbehave. He knows that my son is 17. Knowing is one thing, but I'm worried that being presented with my hulk of a man-child is going to cause some kind of major reassessment. My son is probably 5" taller than Gary and outweighs him by 65 lbs. I'm not worried about whether or not they get along. That's a non-issue, we're not planning a family vacation. However, the weekends are only so long, and I have a lot to do. I will not enjoy having to keep a separate calendar of availability for two (near) adults. So, good neutral territory for a first meeting? I don't want to make a big production of it. Gary has also never been to my house. I am worried about that, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 When I was first introducing karaddin to my kids I kept the meetings brief, for me that was easier because I could time it for not long before bedtime. It's harder with an older kid that (I'm guessing) you can't just send to bed. Maybe have him over on a day when you know your son is going out? So the visits overlap but not by long enough for it to be a big stressful issue? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greywolf2375 Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 1) Her health - I know that the increased risk hardly extreme, but the fact remains that there is an elevated risk of complications for a 36/37-ish woman having a baby. 2) Integrating a new member into our already blended family. 3) Realizing this will most likely delay me finishing work on my book by at least a year or so. So, is there anything I'm missing? Other thoughts, concerns, etc., that I should take into account? 1) it is a concern, and like Chats said you don't know what will happen 4-5 months from now. If this is something you do decide on, sooner definitely keeps the percentages more in your favor than later. And, even though there is a 4 year old in the mix now, waking up for 2am feedings and diapers is definitely harder the more, uh, advanced in age you get. 2) It might be a challenge for the 4 year old being the baby, but if you survived and thrived merging the two existing families, I think you'll be successful adding another in. 3) NOT TRUE! NOT True! you will have plenty of time at 2,3 & 4am to keep typing while the child sleeps in your lap. Just make sure you get a silent key board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 You should have let him stew longer, Mandy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 I guess that's one thing I should be happy for as a guy with an online dating profile. I know that anybody who messages me is a spambot so I can just ignore them :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalbear Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 For me, the kid thing was something I had to figure out early, one way or another. Did I want to be a father figure to these kids and have that responsibility? Regardless of whether it is stated that you won't be, or you'll never be involved - it can become a factor. And it's quite honestly too important of a thing to screw up. As an example - let's say that both you and her say point blank that it's just about sex. No strings, no relationship. Awesome. Then she gets pregnant. All of those totally rational, reasonable deals that you made with her are now completely shot to hell. And it's a very different thing deciding to be a father and take care of your children vs. deciding to be a father and take care of other's children - or even interacting with them. So yeah, I don't think that it's at all unreasonable to say 'no, having children is a dealbreaker'. It's much, much better to be upfront about that early on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disturber of Peace Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 As an example - let's say that both you and her say point blank that it's just about sex. No strings, no relationship. Awesome. Then she gets pregnant. All of those totally rational, reasonable deals that you made with her are now completely shot to hell. And it's a very different thing deciding to be a father and take care of your children vs. deciding to be a father and take care of other's children - or even interacting with them. A rational and reasonable deal would include an abortion agreement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalbear Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 An abortion agreement is something that unfortunately doesn't tend to work, as it isn't something that both people have equal power over. That's as it should be. But it means very little when making the deal. Nor can you abstain from supporting the child, even if both parents agree that is the right thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disturber of Peace Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 I was not talking about current, legal, worldview accounting...I was talking "what if rational". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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