Outrageous Lies About the Previous Poster, V.15

[Knight of Ashes]

Am I like suppose to say welcome or something?

[HexMachina]

Darnit, beaten to the punch.

"We've come a long way, haven't we?" murmmered Knight of Ashes, his fingers tracing a line along the arm of the chair. "To think where we started and where we are now is quick frankly astounding."

By his feet, Ms. Pussy Galore, Knight of Ashes' pet cat, yawned widely, the diamonds of her cat collar glinting in the soft candle light. On the table at his side rested a small glass of rum with ice.

"Tonight sees our labours come to fruition." agreed the bald man sitting opposite him. His stern, cruel face and bulging muscles made him a formidable sight. "By morning, we shall have restored all that our foes worked so hard to take from us. And we shall bask in that glory together. To us." said the man, raising his glass of brandy.

Knight of Ashes' eyes glittered darkly. "To us." he smiled.

The two men tossed bqck their drinks and gleach gave a sigh of satisfaction.

But the bald man's sigh did not end there. He gave a cough, as though clearing his throat. His breath rattled as wind on the window panes, and a frenzied look came into his eyes. Coughing and sputtering, he looked daggers and Knight of Ashes.

"You!" he gasped pitifully. "Yo-u...poi--soo--."

Knight of Ashes merely smiled and beckoned Ms. Pussy Galore into his lap, where he stroked her head menacingly and watched the death of his fellow conspirator unfold before him. The bald man clawed in vain at his throat as his face slowly darkened, and at last he lay still, dead.

Knight of Ashes consulted his watch. In just two hours time it would be done. Justin Beiber would be restored to the top of the charts, and all the credit and glory of that now beloged to him. With a small laugh, he poured himself another drink and flicked on the radio.

^because how else to open a thread save with a Beiber mention?

[Knight of Ashes]

Darnit, beaten to the punch.

?

Yeah Helena, I didn't see you volunteering in time 'cause I was taking my tIme waffling.

NOTE:

Helena is the one next in line for a lie 'cause I don't have one right now.

[Arya kiddin']

Bless you Helena. :lol: Or the machine, whatever. :rolleyes:

"How much would you like to buy ma'am?" asked the man behind the spice counter.

"Six hundred and Sixty Six cloves" Helena said. "Not less, not more. All the cloves should be whole, if even one is broken I'll have you change the whole lot." The man was struck by the air of confidence and authority this 18 year old had about her, in her black cocktail gown and black hat. But he complained nonetheless. "We sell them by the pounds ma'am, not by numbers." She carelessly put up a £50 note on the counter, and that settled the argument. The man went on to pick cloves one by one he judged were flawless, and started to put them in a bag.

"My thanks sir, you've been of great assistance to me." said Helena as she took the bag with her half an hour later not meaning a word. The churl took half an hour for a 5 minutes job after all. She had a thing for cloves, did Helena.

Once back in her mansion, she set out to do her monthly full moon ritual. She rubbed her body and cleaned it, first with sand, then with sea water then with the water of the holy Ganges. After that she asked her manservant if the bath was ready. He silently nodded and she proceeded onwards, in her birthday suit to the bathroom. The bath was steaming hot, just the right temperature she needed. She put seven ingredients into it - a pinch of saffron from Kashmir, a cup of milk from a virgin Himalayan goat, droppings of a Peruvian bat, a lock of pubic hair from an African tribal chief, bark of a Banyan tree from Sri Lanka, six pairs of eyes of an African Koala and finally her own spittle.

As all the ingredients dissolved in the bath, she went in, remained there for six minutes, no more and no less, stepped outside from it, and proceeded to the meditation room. She took the tray where she had her cloves and with a swish of hands divided the pile into many parts. Three hundred and sixty cloves were used to make a hexagon on the ground, the tail of each clove grasping the head of the other. The remaining 306 were divided into 51 equal parts and extended outside of the hexagon in curious spirals. Inside the hexagon was put up a digital picture frame, and on it she sprinkled a lot of rosemary. Now she took leaves of marigold and drew the ancient rune - the sixty sixth construction of Amaterasu with it. The construction came alive with firey glow of marigolds. Outside the rune was lined with 1100 teeth of wise crones descended in unbroken succession from the bastard daughter of Charlemagne.

Finally Helena rose up and donned a red robe over her body, and started to chant hymns in Sanskrit and Arabic and Latin. She sang of the love of Shiva and Gauri, of Psyche and Cupid, of Laila and Majnou, and finally of Peanut Butter and Nutella. She burned incenses, sprinkled oriental spices, and cut herself with her dagger and drew blood from seven orifices of the body, mixed it with semen of an aged virile stallion and the powder of preserved placenta of a sow. Finally when her screams reached high crescendo, she dropped down, did a handstand, then a head stand and then lay flat on her belly, hands folded in front of the photograph.

She awoke exactly after Six hours and seven minutes of sleep, took the mixture of blood, semen and placenta and made a heart on the picture frame. Putting it aside now, with seven well trained thrusts she cut upon the hexagon formation of the cloves with the dagger. Frantically then she collected all the cloves in a bowl and began to count how many were still whole.

"Sixty three only" she said after an hour of counting. "It was Sixty five the last time". The day was not away when she would achieve only six whole cloves after the ritual, not less no more. Then as the woods witch had foretold, the man on the picture frame would be hers.

"Come now Justin baby, we're off to bed now. Can't wait to get my dirty hands on you" she said lifting the picture frame as she went on to her normal life eagerly awaiting for the next full moon.She could scarcely wait to outdo herself.

[First of My Name]

Been a long time since I told an outrageous lie... are they always that long now? I miss the old days of 'AK bathes in goat blood each Monday.'

[HexMachina]

Been a long time since I told an outrageous lie... are they always that long now? I miss the old days of 'AK bathes in goat blood each Monday.'

We still do ones of that length. Longer ones are common too, we just vary :)

First of My Name likes to use Skunk spray in place of deodorant. He likes it so much in fact that he is attempting to create his own brand of deodorant, sold in a skunk shaped bottle and sprayed by pulling down on the skunk's tail. He is thinking of calling it "Musky Skunk".

[honeyed chicken]

Been a long time since I told an outrageous lie... are they always that long now? I miss the old days of 'AK bathes in goat blood each Monday.'

"Outrageous lies" are like burbs or belches. Some are polite little things, barely noticed. Others just go on and on. :P

The hypothesis which Helena is bent on proving in her doctoral thesis is that carrots are really just pointy, orange potatoes. It's unfortunate that none of the genetic, chemical, or biological data she has "dug up" supports that. She's sorely tempted to fudge the numbers, but her academic adviser is watching her like a hawk.

[The Abominable SnowOther]

(yah my bad, but i had all this practically done and then HC posted and im not starting another now.... So this is directed at HoTM post) :cheers:

"Snap!"

Helena woke with a startle, drool running down her chin, and with crust outlining her eyes. Eye boogers, her brother had called them, but he was gone now, disgusting, is more like. Toothless, her dragon hatchling was gnawing at her nightgown of Direwolf meat and unicorn hair. "stop" she told him, but he only continued, as of late he had started ignoring her. I will have to train him. Pushing him away, she stood, once on her feet she scratched her butt and sniffed her fingers. Mmmmm, I always, did have a taste for the finer things she thought while admiring her pajama, of exotic animal meat and hair.

"Im hungry" she told her dragon. The hatching only stared back, after a few moments, the tension in her tent was palpable." I am your mother!" she screamed. "I will have what is mine with Fire and with blood!"

"Rawr!" the dragon squeeked turning and giving her a full view of his booty while pooping. Indignant, Helena decided to take a bath and contemplate on what her next move would be regarding Toothless' behaviour.

Many hour later...

Helena arranged for a meeting of "villiains" at her home. They had drinks, toasted their well being, discussed their plans for the conquest of Justin Bieber's fandom (since that seems to be a recurring theme around here,haha) Everyone was a having a great time. "Come!" she told her guests leading them back to the dining table. "Come, I have a surprise for you in the kitchen. One to die for" she could not keep the smile off her face. "what is it?" said Ludovica "you know I hate surprises" They all were looking at eachother, smiles displayed, excitement barely contained. Helena walked into the dining hall, a covered tray in her hands, and a smell of BBQ meat escaping the confinement of the platter and lid. She served everyone a small piece and sat down and watched them bite in."YUMMMM! Ive never had anything like It. What is it?" Ludovica said, grease running down her chin, looking like an idiot. Helena only smiled back " Oh Nothing!" she laughed then. "Just something I recently picked up"

[Knight of Ashes]

SnowOther expresses his self- contempt by making batches of mini-snowothers and heating them up in the microwave.

"I'm meeellllltinnngggg!"he would say, "And I deserve it!", he would cry.

Afterwards, he'd go about his day like a normal SnowOther.

[honeyed chicken]

The room is a mess.

KoA is normally very neat, but he has taken great pains to create the appearance that a deadly fight has taken place on and around his bed. He's trying to frame his rival - the former best friend who stole his lady. Everything including a knife with the buddies finger prints on it was there for police to find . . . everything but KoA's corpse.

While he was standing in the middle of the "crime scene" trying to solve that problem his mother walked in and told him in no uncertain terms to clean it up.

[Knight of Ashes]

HC is a workout guru known for being super hardcore with the exercise. At the sign of the slightest weight gain, he'd whip his followers into the harshest of regimens for hours everyday until they resemble nothing less than ironmen and women.

Then afterwards, he veges out on the couch drinking beer and eating potato chips (and any leftover roadkill) while watching Gillian's Island for the weekend.

[beautifulsouth0]

Phew. Jeez, man... finally found you guys. You all will NOT believe what is going on back where we left the other thread! It all started when Knight of Ashes remarked that as a tween, he was babysitting a 4 and 5 year old, who he witnessed get bullied physically by a 10 year old, so he in turn shoved that boy into the sand at the playground. Well, THAT did not sit well with some of the people here on the forum, who disagreed LOUDLY whether Knight of Ashes was right to defend the children he was responsible for, or wrong for actually bullying a younger child in retribution. Well, from what we ALL know from being members on this forum, the morality argument veered PREDICTABLY into an argument where people were name calling and referring to others as being misogynists. Then I went and pointed out that there weren't even any females involved in the incident and they were making assumptions and over reaching. I got some verbal tomatoes thrown at me and was like "OP! OP! Come save me from this assault!" But KoA wasn't responding. At first I thought he had taken the moral high ground and stopped particpating in the inflammatory discussion, but then I noticed that we had started another lying thread. So here I am and man, phew, am I glad THAT is over!

(Eta Man, I really wish we could go back to being able to like posts, cuz I can't go quoting everyone here, but I need to say this thread has had me laughing since the opening line!)

[Knight of Ashes]

BS0 has a pet tapeworm named Kim. After Kim Kardashian. Incidentally, Kim is so far considered the world's longest tapeworm. A point of pride for BS0 (and the two Kims).

[honeyed chicken]

Phew. Jeez, man... finally found you guys. You all will NOT believe what is going on back where we left the other thread! It all started when Knight of Ashes remarked that as a tween, he was babysitting a 4 and 5 year old, who he witnessed get bullied physically by a 10 year old, so he in turn shoved that boy into the sand at the playground. Well, THAT did not sit well with some of the people here on the forum, who disagreed LOUDLY whether Knight of Ashes was right to defend the children he was responsible for, or wrong for actually bullying a younger child in retribution. Well, from what we ALL know from being members on this forum, the morality argument veered PREDICTABLY into an argument where people were name calling and referring to others as being misogynists. Then I went and pointed out that there weren't even any females involved in the incident and they were making assumptions and over reaching. I got some verbal tomatoes thrown at me and was like "OP! OP! Come save me from this assault!" But KoA wasn't responding. At first I thought he had taken the moral high ground and stopped particpating in the inflammatory discussion, but then I noticed that we had started another lying thread. So here I am and man, phew, am I glad THAT is over!

(Eta Man, I really wish we could go back to being able to like posts, cuz I can't go quoting everyone here, but I need to say this thread has had me laughing since the opening line!)

BS0, this is a spot on commentary on how arguments devolve on this board!

Do YOU know what a "collapsitarian" is? Do you know what a first follower is?

Well, KoA explained those two terms to me the other night over beers as well as what "dark mountain" is. Seems KoA was a member, follower or whatever you want to call it of this group of disenchanted former enviro writers. But he became disenchanted with their disenchantment. He felt they weren't pessimistic enough in their pessimistic assessment of mankind's future and wanted to go a step further to deathitarianism, which he did not elaborate on. Apparently his attempts to sell this new darker dark philosophy has not netted him a first follower yet. Until it does he's just a lone crazy person.

[HexMachina]

Honeyed Chicken has recently.started up a new club at his local community centre. Its the Jaffa Cake Appreciation Fan Club, that takes place at 7.30 p.m every Tuesday night. It was previously held on a Wednesday night, but HC had the brain child to move it and membership boomed. Why this is I am not sure.

Anyway, I have to go, its 6.30 p.m and I'm late for Weight Watchers at the Community Centre.

[Knight of Ashes]

Helena is gaining renown for being able to consistently shoot her toenail clippings into a a miniscule coffee cup a hundred feet away.

Curiously, someone always has to be in the middle of drinking said coffee, otherwise, Helena just won't do it.

[HexMachina]

Knight of Ashes is hoping to become a comic book writer. His characters are many and varied, and the complex plots surrounding them makes them multi-layered, and the content of the comics is almost sufficient for a series of novels. Like, for example, the witless sidekick of the villain known as The Machine of St. Helens, who learns at the feet of her evil master but is ultimately doomed to remain inferior to him forever. Or her master, the dastardly Paprika Chicken, Lord of All Evil and Darkness. His plots are dreadful and often have disastrous consequences, and many involve the ever unpopular singer Jeever Bustin. And then there are his heroes, the mysterious and highly intelligent Karya Iddinson, with his powers of intense imagination that is capable of summoning forth entirely new worlds in which he can spin things out of a strand of thought, and defeat his evil foes. Then there is his other hero, The Glorious North, Mistress of all things that are truthful, able to cut through her foes with her witty remarks. Not to mention the recurring side characters, The Last Name, a hero from days gone by, The Other One of Snow, a villain of incredible icy ability, and the enigma that is The Vengeful King Jonny, who is neither hero nor villain but a combination of the two.

Yes, its a complicated comic book world, but its really quite incredible. I don't understand how Knight of Ashes is able to think up all ofthese ideas, but praise be to him for doing it :cheers:.....

[honeyed chicken]

"Tonight we're going to see history. We're about to see a woman suit up for NHL playoff hockey." said generic play by play guy X.

"We've been lucky enough to see this young woman make history all season, Joe." replied generic color guy Y.

"HelenaAndTheMachine sure has done that. First shift ever taken by a woman, first assist, first goal, first penalty, and most surprisingly, first fight." said gen. X.

"Boy, you sure could have knocked me over with a feather when that happened, Ken." added gen. Y.

"She tattooed that dude. Fastest jab I've ever seen. He was more surprised and embarrassed than hurt, but she won respect in the locker room with how she handled that." said gen. X.

"Absolutely. I think there were plenty of us here in the building who had our doubts if she was going to really play the game or just skate an occasional shift for this club to sell tickets, Bob." put in gen.Y.

"She's done both. She clearly won the Rookie of the Year with her 24 goals and 45 assists and she's given this formerly moribund Buffalo Sabres franchise a huge lift, becoming a celebrity in the process." said gen.X.

"How many marriage proposal placards do you count tonight, Ted?" asked gen.Y. "I lost track at 27."

"More than I can count. And the stands are full, as usual, of men, women and especially little girls in Helena sweaters." said gen.X.

"Leading sweater seller in the NHL, Rick." stated gen.Y.

"One agent told me she's a hotter commodity than Danica and could soon surpass Sydney Crosby to become the face of the NHL." said gen.X.

"Just imagine what tonight is like up there in the north in her home town of Yellowknife, John." intoned gen.Y.

"It should be a wild party. And now we all rise for the singing of Oh, Canada!"

[beautifulsouth0]

BS0, this is a spot on commentary on how arguments devolve on this board!

Thanks HC. It really grinds my gears when my post-episode geek-gasm is ruined by people having viscious arguments regarding morality issues within a work of fiction. And it's not like I can intervene when things get uncomfortable, like I do when friends of mine on FB get upset with one another- usually a simple "all right people, move along... nothin to see here..." will suffice; they get that I am just being silly to decrease the tension. On here people get all upset w the ones trying to break it up, and I just have to stop looking at posts that get confrontational. There is never any winner in these disagreements... just a lot of hurt feelings. Can't we all just get along? <end rant>

HC knits sweaters and hats for all the feral cats in his neighborhood, and then wrestles them to the ground to force them onto the unwilling felines. So far he's only had cat scratch fever once and had to get one extra tetanus shot, but he's required rabies antibody treatments twice, which is a SERIES of large injections. The cats wouldn't fight him so much if the sweaters weren't so damned ugly!

[honeyed chicken]

BS0 is frankly not much of a cook, it pains me to say (the pain stemming mainly from my making the mistake of enthusiastically biting into one of her oatmeal rock cookies).

HOWEVER!

She is well known and highly praised (and rightfully so) for her extravagant garnishes. She once spangled a salad with a potrait of Richard Nixon done in day lily buds.

On the subject of arguments on this board, I stay away from the dust ups. Mainly they don't matter much to me**, but I'm sorry if they're bumming you out. It's going to happen with a lot of intelligent, but also young and insecure talking about a topic they all care passionately about.

**I take that back. A guy on TTTNE of all places said he didn't care about any of the deaths in the books - said they were all "meh". So I wondered why was he here - why read and talk about the books if the characters don't matter to you? So I guess the fights do get to me, but I avoid them.