My friend wrote her own book.... and its good! You guys might really dig this!

[Liffguard]

OK, let's take the first sentence...

"Thick air hung meekly near the ceiling fan as it twisted nervously overhead."

Air can't be meek, and ceiling fans can't be nervous.

Unless the ceiling fan is underwater or in outer space, it is generally enveloped by air.

Ceiling fans are generally overhead. That's why they are ceiling fans.

If you want to tell us something about the air and the ceiling fan, show us something instead.

So you would have something like:

"The ceiling fan twisted and stuttered." or "The ceiling fan twisted and shrieked." That shows us we're dealing with a malfunctioning fan (it's making strange noises!).

Good points. To quote The Elements of Style, "omit needless words."

[Larry of the Lawn]

I think it's beauteous.

[me399]

Hey everyone

Author of the book here. I'm glad to see some conversation started on this thread, I am very flattered you took the time to glance at it at all. As the original poster mentioned, I am glad to hear any feedback pertaining to what you see. Criticism and praise both help us grow as writers and I greatly appreciate the honesty of your posts.

Very Best,

Bec

Hi BEC, Glad to see you joined. This is also the site Ive ben telling you about for the a.S.o.I.a.F. series. There are massive spoilers here for all the books including the last one. Your behind SOOO PLEASE don't stray to far and dig to deep.... You will get spoiled! Most people here are nice and try not to go out of their way to spoil things but it does happen!! Be careful! But, but.... This is a great site when you catch up and are able to participate fully.

[Andrew Gilfellon]

I am all for self-publishing and I view Amazon's venture with optimism and fear, oddly, fear.

I read the sample on Amazon and I have to give my view. It is clearly a first draft, written once without rechecking or editing. The prose is the very definition of purple prose. The line between purple prose and flowery prose is a thin one and you slip off it more often than not. There is a lot of run on sentences too, things that need tightening up. You seem to have difficulty with character P.O.Vs. One paragraph we're in Ethan's and the next we're in Emily's, which is jarring to some, and to me. I usually have my P.O.V change with scene changes, and so do most authors I believe.

Also, Ethan seems to be sweating alcohol which I believe is very unhealthy. Emily teleports within sentences from her bedroom to the guest bedroom without explanation. She then teleports into a truck which happens in another random P.O.V switch. How did the woman know it was Emily driving the truck? You never said. She never went to the truck, it was just there. Also. My personal peeve is people saying the night molested the pavement rather than it was night.

Can you tell me what's the difference between being tall and being aristocratically tall?

There might be something there but unfortunately it's lost in purple. Example: Where you could simply say, Emily sat down, you write. Emily bent her knees and began to lower herself, round backside flattening against the rough leather chair

I strongly advise you to give it a couple of rewrites and send it to people to read first (NOT YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY) unless you can trust them to give you honest crit.

I'm being honest here, if perhaps a little brutal. Not meaning to hurt people's feelings. If I do, sorry.

I mean, you finished it and that is something to be proud of, just maybe write another two drafts, edit, revise, rather than rushing out the first unedited draft. :)