peterbound Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 When I was 13 my mom got really pissed at me. Really mad, and she told me that Old Man Crossett, the guy who'd been raising me for the entirety of my life was not, in fact the individual that sired me. She told me that she had a fling with a guy, that was much older than her, and that he knocked her up. Now, this was hard to take at that age, as i'm sure it would be at any age, but particularly hard as a young man with his balls about to drop.Needless to say, I didn't take it all that well. I immediately lost all respect for the guy that was raising me, I got completely unruly when around my mom, started doing a shit ton of drugs, and just all around abusing myself. This conversation that my mom had with me changed the course of my life. It turned me into a very angry young man, and i started getting into a fuck ton of fights, and eventually get kicked out of high school. I got my GED, joined the Air Force, and eventually turned my life around. So fast forward a couple of decades. During the time I'd found out that I had 3 other sisters that had the same mystery man for a dad, and we all eventually met, and a couple of us are still pretty good friends (one of my sisters lost her mom to a drug overdose from the heroin that our shared father introduced her to. She's got a crazy emotional outlook, and is hard to deal with. We don't really see eye to eye on most things, and don't really get along. Doesn't help that she lives about 400 meters from me, but me and the other girls are pretty friendly), one of my sisters (the crazy one) was still in touch with the guy, whose name is Steve by the way, and he came into town to visit with her. To this day I'm not sure why she still let him into her life, the guy was fucking poison, but she did. I think they enabled each others insanity. So I figured I'd meet him. I did, and wasn't impressed. He was a mess of an alcoholic, and a bit of a fucktard. I was disappointed. So I never saw him again, didn't really think anything of it, until today. I found out he died. I feel nothing about it. Seriously, not like a numb 'I lost somebody' feeling, I just don't give a fuck. Should I? Really, should I? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N/A Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 My condolences... Maybe ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdawnb Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Really, should I? I don't see any reason why you should mourn a man that was never part of your life and was in no way shape or form your father. I think this is just one of those situations where you feel what you feel and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karaddin Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 You had no relationship with him beyond that he gave you his genetic material. If you feel nothing for him it's perfectly reasonable and I would never tell you that you should, I probably wouldn't either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I don't see why you should. He had made no emotional investment in your life so there is no emotional bond at all to cause guilt over it. I wouldn't worry too much about your lack of sadness at his passing. I also hope that you had a chance to mend the fences with the man who raised you as his son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mance Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I think you should go have a beer with Old Man Crossett. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ixodes Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 You shouldn't give a fuck. That person was in no way a father to you. I guess maybe you should recognize that a chain of events that started with him ended up with you, but that is a far as it should go. Would you have the same relationship with your children as he had with you? How would you feel about yourself if that was the role you played in your own children's life? You've seen the effect your children have had on you. Would you be capable of walking away from your kids? You once said one of the most profound things I've ever read on this board: You said that your kid made you a better person. I've always been touched by that because that is exactly how I feel about my own boys. You should take extreme pride in that you have broken the cycle that your biologic set up. Fuck him. You are better and you are better in spite of him. Leave your kids with a legacy that he never left for you. If I were you, my own kids would only know Old Man Crossett as their grandfather and they would never know any different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wise Fool Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Should you? Yes. Yes you should. You should feel awful. I recommend spending your days wailing and gnashing your teeth, and your nights in a stupor, clutching your belly and weeping. Crying, crying out to the gods about the tragedy of it all, begging for the light of meaning to give you some solace, beating your fists against the unbending doors of a cold universe. Don't just do this because I say so: all the cool kids are doing it. You don't want to be a square, do you? DO YOU? Or not. Seems like you've figured this out pretty well on your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponine Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I'm sorry PB. It's weird to be biologically related to someone who isn't part of your life and now won't ever be. You're a good guy and a better father and this man had nothing to do with who you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Flashheart Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Pb,I can relate to your story so much. It takes more than a sexual release to be a father. So while you should be thankful he did. Elsewise you wouldn't be here. It's totally acceptable to not mourn his death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lacuna Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 If you haven't already, maybe get an overview of his medical history, in case it might be needed further down the line. Beyond that, biological relation is meaningless if there's no emotional connection to go along with it, IMO. I suppose the "What if?" question is very germane, but it sounds like you may have been better off without him in your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DreamSongs Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 PeterBound...no. There is no reason to feel anything other than weird. He did not raise you, he did not contribute to your childhood. I had a father that did those things and I refer to him as 'biodad' to distinguish him from the man that was actually there to raise me and be my dad. In my experience, the thing to do if you still can is to understand the man that was brave enough to be you stepfather. Contact Old Man Crossett. Consider yourself lucky if he wants to talk with you. Be patient and listen to what he has to say. You might just find that he cared more about you than you ever could have guessed. Worst case scenario...you get to fill in some holes in your childhood. You owe more to Old Man Crossett than your biodad. JMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 My dad was a straight up tosser, and I felt many things when he died, but sadness wasn't one of them. Good riddance.If you don't feel bad, don't beat yourself up about it. Just feel how you feel. Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tellus Explorer Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I think I know how you feel. My biological mother's second husband's father passed away about three years ago from lung cancer, and the years after that, her husband's uncle died from the same form of cancer, and about five years before this happened, his great aunt died of breast cancer.I was saddened because death can be a sad experience but besides that I didn't feel anything. It was like when a celebrity dies, to me, since I have no emotional connection with the actual person I'm not horrifically bothered by it.Also her husband was a dick and I hate his guts so it was really hard to feel bad for anyone who was close to that monster! She is horrid too for that matter! I fucking hate her! My biological father's whereabouts are unknown to me at this time, and have only been contradicting rumours through my lifetime.I was told he died after my birth, after he told the woman I came out of that he didn't want me.... then I was told that he ran off with some other woman before I was born and never had the change to see me, THEN I was told he died before I was born... so I have no clue what’s the truth. I do know, for now I have no emotional feelings established for him. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to learn the truth the way you did. My dad was a straight up tosser, and I felt many things when he died, but sadness wasn't one of them. Good riddance.If you don't feel bad, don't beat yourself up about it. Just feel how you feel. Best wishes. :bowdown: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mormont Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Should you feel grief? Probably not. We grieve when we feel loss, and from the sounds of it, you haven't lost anything that mattered to you.You might well have other, very valid, feelings about the whole situation that get stirred up by his death, though. Maybe the initial 'numb' reaction is going to fade and those might come to the fore. On the other hand, maybe it's just because you just truly don't feel anything about it.Either way, it's never about what you 'should' feel. Your reaction is what it is and you don't have to justify it, not even to yourself! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baxus Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I found out he died. I feel nothing about it. Seriously, not like a numb 'I lost somebody' feeling, I just don't give a fuck. Should I? Really, should I? I guess it's individual, but not giving a fuck that someone you had no contact with died does sound like a normal reaction. From your story, I wouldn't count the guy as your dad. He might have as well been a sperm donor. Would you grieve if donor #1245215 passed away? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SheRa Seastar Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 However you are feeling, that's the exact way that you should feel. There's no right or wrong in these situations. Sorry to but in btw, this thread popped up on my time line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tellus Explorer Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 However you are feeling, that's the exact way that you should feel. There's no right or wrong in these situations.Sorry to but in btw, this thread popped up on my time line.What do you mean it popped up on your time line? Like from a social media site? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SheRa Seastar Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 What do you mean it popped up on your time line? Like from a social media site?Tapatalk timeline.Too many t's in that sentence! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tellus Explorer Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Tapatalk timeline.Too many t's in that sentence!oooooh lol okay :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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