When life decides to rain on you why is it never a light rain and always a damn hurricane?

[Goddess Dictator]

So remember how I was all “I’m back and I’ll finally have time to post and blah blah”? hasn’t happened right? There are reasons. I am about to enumerate them.

First off I want to say I’m not in general a complainer. And in no way do I mean this as a rant. I’m just genuinely sitting here like “what the hell is even going on” and need a place to talk about it and get some feedback. I can’t really talk to my “real life” people b/c most of them are involved in all the drama and just as tired and frustrated and fucked up as me. So I hope you guys don’t mind. And I appreciate your input and time.

Now to get to it:

The last six months of my life have been sheer damn chaos. Some of it good some of it bad.

The good: I am engaged to an amazing woman. We just bought a house that is also amazing. I am out closer to my family and that is awesome.

Everything else:

While yes getting the house is great, getting the condo ready to sell, selling it, finding the new property, going through all the absolute bullshit you have to go through to buy property and living in my mom’s 450 square foot guest house for two months with eight (yes eight) animals has been stressful and a strain on all of us.

But that is so not what I’m complaining about. I’m just pointing out that even the good stuff going on is stressful good stuff if that makes sense.

I’ma make a list peeps.

In the last six months:

1. My grandmother has been diagnosed with altzheimers. she’s already middle stage, and honestly I feel like she’s already a totally different person. Part of moving was to be closer to my mom so we can help out more. Grandma is fighting moving into my mom’s guesthouse but it’s coming. Oh it’s soooo coming. and as anyone who’s dealt with it knows, it’s long, it’s slow, it’s awful and it’s debilitating for all involved. So yay.

2. My aunt was in a terrible car accident. She broke her femur, tibia, and cracked her pelvis. She should have died. She was launched from the truck because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt (b/c she is that family member we all have that makes terrible decisions and we all sigh at her and go whyyyyyyy) the truck landed quite literally ON TOP OF HER. She landed in mud. If she hadn’t, she’d be dead. She is still recovering.

3. My uncle (husband of number 2) developed acute pancreatitis and also almost died (this was all of three weeks ago) he’s doing better but I know him and he won’t change his diet or do whatever the hell he’s supposed to do.

4. My other uncle who I love more than I can express is in renal failure. He has type 1 Diabetes. They told him when I was five he had ten years max. He’s kicked all those doctors predictions in the teeth, but it’s finally coming to it and I’m so not ready. He cut his hand two days ago and didn’t even notice, b/c he can’t feel them, and had to be rushed to the hospital and given blood b/c he doesn’t clot well b/c diabetes folks. He just had a mini-stroke b/c renal failure and I know it’s coming soon and I’m never ever going to be able to handle this well.

5. My fiancé came out to her mother and sister. This is a really big deal for her. Beyond big. They are crazy ass southern Baptists. The fiancé had sworn up and down she’d never do it b/c her mom is 79 and well, for obvious reasons. But her mom’s health is failing and she needs care and since we have a new house we have space for her. In fact we made sure the new place would have a whole area for her. But that meant telling her. Monday (of this week) she got two just heart wrenching emails from her mom and her sis. The hey I’m afraid for your soul and you’re going to burn in hell, and comparing murder to being gay, and no way in hell will I ever accept this, and how dare you think I could possibly live in the same house as that shit type of letters. So she’s a wreck.

6. My 20 year old basically adopted son who lives in Venezuela is in danger every day right now b/c of the crazy shit going on there. They can’t even buy toilet paper right now, and I am so far away and can’t do anything to help him and it’s making me crazy. He is trying to finish university so he can move here. I keep telling him to come right the hell now b/c they are trying to get rid of the US embassy there and I’m afraid I won’t be able to get him out soon. I don’t even know what to do for this situation. He has a job waiting for him here at my company if I can just legally GET HIM HERE. But right now that’s nearly impossible.

7. LAST NIGHT our brindle boston terrier Cooper starting throwing up, has kept throwing up, and is currently at the vet incurring massive bills b/c he has a bowel obstruction and major infection which is super dangerous and we don’t know if he’s going to be ok.

4, 5, and 7 have all happened in the past THREE DAYS.

I’m just kind of like hey universe less drama kthx? Please? Pretty please?

No?

Then fuck you universe.

If that makes sense.

I guess I just want advice on how to handle the shit storm. In the past I’ve always just, well, stuck my head in the sand and pretended everything was ok until it was again. b/c ptsd sometimes has uses. And one of them is being able to ignore things really really well. But I can’t do that b/c now I’m in a relationships with someone who needs me to be engaged and here and not hiding my head in the sand. So I need new coping skills I suppose. Any advice on coping would be very welcome. I’m not 20 anymore. I can’t just get fucked up or ignore shit and I really don’t have a strong track record of handling things in any other way than the above. Add in my bi polar and I’m shocked I’m not currently running around doing insane shit. So I guess I’m not doing a terrible job? But I can tell you I really really want to drink, and for those who know me you know that is SO a bad idea. Mania plus alcohol = embarrassing world con for GeeD and many many other occasions. I’m a fucking adult so that’s not an option. But I really do just want to sit down and throw things and scream right now.

If you read all of this bless you.

GeeD

[Sci-2]

Sorry some things are going bad for you, hope they look up.

Might be some useful stuff in my sig for mental health or emergency preparation for caregivers taking care of someone with the capacity to hurt themselves.

[litechick]

It will come as no surprise to you that the only way to manage a clusterfuck is to break it down into a series of steps and just tackle those steps one at a time. You've already broken it down into separate issues so we've just got to break each of those down into tasks.

1) Grandma. You've already taken the most important step to handling it by moving closer. Your mom needs to take the lead on this. She has the greater seniority in making decisions for her mother's care and it's her house that grandma is to move in to. Your mom needs to make decisions and give you tasks for moving forward and resolving the situation.

You can help your mom analyze the situation and you can accept any tasks she delegates to you but you don't have to make the decisions (unless she proves to be incapable of doing it.)

2/3) Aunt and Uncle. Decide how much time you can devote to helping them and then make it count. Cook a healthy casserole and bring it over. Maybe if eating right is the easiest thing to do, it will get done. Do a load of laundry, run to the pharmacy for them, identify their needs and choose two or three that you can take care of for them.

4) Uncle. Make a list of everything you love about him and share it with him.

5) Baptist Attack. Obtain these letters and keep them away from the fiancé. Do not let her read them over and over. Suggest that she write her own letters for non-mailing. Her family needs to be reminded that she is still the same person. The same person who picked flowers for Mother's Day or helped her sister run lines for the school play, that sort of thing. I don't really get religious people but I've always sort of assumed that they must all have some basis to fear for their souls and their place in the afterlife.

On a practical note, at least that's one less health and family care crisis to deal with right now. By refusing to move in she is giving you some time to sort out other problems before turning back to the issue of getting her head out of her ass.

6) Venezuela Son. It's his decision whether to stay in school or not. You have to trust him that he knows what's best for him. Do the research on your end to identify the steps needed to get him here. Get your ducks in a row with regards to paperwork to fill out, etc. Be ready to jump in when he gives the word. Send him toilet paper.

7) Cooper. You have to trust the vet to take care of him and advise you.

You have learned that head-in-the-sand is not a viable strategy. You also need to know that spinning your wheels worrying about things you can't control is not a viable strategy. Make a list of all the things you can do and then tackle it. I'll be cheering you on from the peanut gallery. :grouphug:

[Goddess Dictator]

Thanks for the kind words Sci. Much appreciated.

Hey litechick! my old friend. Very solid advice and I agree with it.

On the letters I can't keep them from the fiancé. they were emailed to her and it's in her email. But everything else is solid advice and it's what I'm trying to do.

My real issue isn't the logistics. It's the emotional part. I'm.... fragile is the word that's closest. I hate it but it's true.

I'm very good mentally at being like ok I can reasonably do A. B. and C. about this situation and letting the shit I can't do anything about go. My body, however, doesn't listen.

Last time I was this stressed out I ended up in the emergency room with hives ALL OVER ME. twice. in a day. My bloodwork came back with ridiculously high levels of cortisol (stress hormone)

The doctors said I was actually having an allergic reaction to the amount of stress hormone in my body. so I was literally allergic to MYSELF. ridiculous. right?

My body tends to overreact to everything and it can make it very hard to stay stable. Chronic PTSD plus bi-polar is the reason for most of it. Specifically I have an over active hypochampus (spelling). the emotional center of my brain over produces EVERYTHING. My body simply over does it no matter what it is. My meds keep me stable unless I'm under a lot of stress.

The doc that did my brain scan said it's like most people have a glass and their normal level of stress is say a third of the cup and they have this additional room for stress before their body physically can't handle it anymore. In my case the cup is always no matter how great things are like 2/3 full, so I can handle way less additional stress physically before my body shuts down. The meds make that glass closer to half full so I can function and keep stable, but he told me flat out that I will never be able to handle stress the way some people do b/c my body will physically freak out on me sooner than other people's will.

When I ended up with hives I FELT like I was ok. I felt like I was handling the situation well. But my body just big fat disagreed and did what it wanted. I'm not sure how to work with that. God that was a lot of info about me sorry. but yeah I just have a physical issue that causes me to not handle things like this well and I dont' know how to keep my body from deciding to go ape shit. I can tell it's trying to and I have no answer on that front. yoga doesn't calm it down. meditation doesn't calm it down. my body is just like hey fuck you GeeD. Mentally I'm pretty calm. Emotionally I'm stressed but handling it. Physically? not so much. any advice on that front?

GeeD

[Angalin]

Great advice from litechick.

GD, that all sounds really hard, and combined it's beyond what most of us would be able to tackle. I admire you just for being able to write it all down coherently. Not sure where you are & therefore what services are nearby, but I tried a Feldenkrais class a few weeks ago which was the most relaxing exercise class I've ever taken. We took breaks after turning our heads! it was fantastic.

If yoga and meditation aren't working for you, here are some other ideas:

- exercise

- fun exercise! like dancing

- gardening

- knitting

- painting anything from rooms to canvases

When my brain is super busy and won't stop, what I need is something to focus on with my hands which doesn't involve biting my nails down to the quick. Anything that I can lose myself in while still being productive. Silly movies can be good too, but only if I'm calm enough to sit down to watch them. Do any of the rooms in the new house need painting? Then you can focus on that process, maybe have a friend over to help. I think what I'm talking about here are repetitive physical processes that [demand concentration and] produce tangible results.

However you go forward, sending you good thoughts.

[Kelli Fury]

Throw up your hands, move to Minneapolis, watch netflix with me and Guava

[Pendergraft]

I certainly feel your pain, in the span of 2010 to 2013 my best friend passed away from cancer, Father died of a heart attack, had 2 miscarriages and got divorced. I literally don't know how I survived all that without giving up. What did help me get through the days of anxiety and hopelessness is therapy & volunteering. Somehow helping others who are suffering more than me, made me feel better. I also took a sabbatical just to confront my pain and made a concerted effort to rekindle with myself. Just know that you don't have to be brave all the time. Take your time and follow your instincts of what you are able to handle when problem arises. I'm not sending you positive vibes because I know you can endure this!

[Goddess Dictator]

my work computer won't let me quote any of you b/c stupid security settings, so let me just say THANKS everyone.

Fury I'm tempted trust me.

litechick thanks that helped a lot I made my own list and am marking things off.

Queen of the Night thank you for the encouraging words and everyone elses encouraging words. Yeah I have a weird thing where things that are supposed to be relaxing are NOT relaxing for me. So yoga? no. knitting? no. hitting something really really hard? yes. lol. We just got a punching bag at work. (it's an accounting firm and during tax season we're up here so much that our boss put in a gym for us b/c she's awesome) so I went back there yesterday afternoon and kicked and hit it until I felt better. and THAT worked.

I'm weird.

Freerider I feel your pain as well. And yes I do the same I focus outward. I think my issue right now is most of the problems I'm worried bout are hurting people close to me so there's a lot of overlap. I don't know how you survived that either. I salute you. Good job. And good job working on it and doing the work to get through it.

updates:

Our dog is gonna be ok. He had acute pancreatitis. We'll have to watch his diet and watch for flare ups, and it is absolutely a scary experience b/c it can kill. Weirdly this is what my uncle JUST HAD. I never even knew it was a thing you could get and now twice in three weeks. life seems to work that way. But our new vet turns out to be a rockstar so I can check worrying about finding a great vet off the list :)

he's already a lot better. she let us take him home for the night but he had to go back for more fluids and antibiotics this morning. but he is definitely responding and doing better.

much love to you all thanks.

[Angalin]

<snip>

hitting something really really hard? yes. lol. We just got a punching bag at work. (it's an accounting firm and during tax season we're up here so much that our boss put in a gym for us b/c she's awesome) so I went back there yesterday afternoon and kicked and hit it until I felt better. and THAT worked.

<snip>

Our dog is gonna be ok. He had acute pancreatitis. We'll have to watch his diet and watch for flare ups, and it is absolutely a scary experience b/c it can kill. Weirdly this is what my uncle JUST HAD. I never even knew it was a thing you could get and now twice in three weeks. life seems to work that way. But our new vet turns out to be a rockstar so I can check worrying about finding a great vet off the list :)

A literal punching bag is a fantastic thing! Knock it out. ;) Maybe sign up for classes so you get a solid technique and don't hurt yourself. It would suck to find a good outlet then have to give it up because of an injury.

Good news about your dog, too. So much pancreatitis, that's crazy; but knowing you have a good vet is reassuring.

[Goddess Dictator]

again can't quote. but thanks so much! and yes I'm soooo happy to have a new vet I can trust.

As to the punching bag I'm fine. I trained a lot when I was younger. I know how to not hurt myself. I'm afraid to take "for real" kick boxing or martial arts though b/c I have anger/mania issues. I do not need help doing more damage. I'm a tiny little woman but I've taken out dudes I should not have been able to with no training so I'm not eager to make it more likely i'll actually hurt someone.

I did mention mania right? I did. I'm sure of it. A bi polar in a mania rage fit is not someone you want to tangle with no matter their size alas. I do have a fear of giving myself skills i'll regret when, and it's always when not if with mania, I have a manic fit.

I don't get the fluffy happy mania. I get the I am invincible and I'm gonna kick your ass mania. thank God the meds keep that under control for the most part now. Only time I get manic now is right before my period b/c hormones. I just lock myself in a room til it passes. I worry FAR less about my depressive bouts than my manic bouts. I'm sad but I dont' hurt people. My manic bouts before meds were something... well they were something.

[Weeping Sore]

I'd agree with most of litechick's comments above, but I would say simply:

1. Know your limits

2. Prioritize

In other words, you won't be able to solve all of these problems, and your ability to solve some of them may be impinged by general anxiety/freaked-outedness about all of them.

So prioritize, delegate, rationalize and accept that you can't do everything.

That said, I wish you and your family all the best.

[Kelli Fury]

We've just started watching peaky blinders you could jump on in

[litechick]

Geed, you are my hero. :) On the emotional side of dealing with life, there is really only 'what works for me' and you seem to have figured it out. You tried yoga, you tried knitting, you tried punching shit--bingo!

You have confronted your unique set of challenges and found a way to work around them and that's all that can be asked of anyone.

There is no need to feel 'fragile' or hang your head on that score. You are smart and capable and you can get shit done.

I'm so glad to hear that Cooper is doing better. With that under control, only 6 more life crisis to tackle!

[Goddess Dictator]

Geed, you are my hero. :) On the emotional side of dealing with life, there is really only 'what works for me' and you seem to have figured it out. You tried yoga, you tried knitting, you tried punching shit--bingo!

You have confronted your unique set of challenges and found a way to work around them and that's all that can be asked of anyone.

There is no need to feel 'fragile' or hang your head on that score. You are smart and capable and you can get shit done.

I'm so glad to hear that Cooper is doing better. With that under control, only 6 more life crisis to tackle!

OMG thank you litechick!! that really made me feel good. I've missed you and the board and the peeps here.

the support is felt and I really needed it. thanks to all of you!

and yes apparently I really like to hit things lol I used the bag again Friday. it helps.

[Goddess Dictator]

update: cooper was doing better but is now doing much worse rapidly. our vet doesn't open until 8 am tomorrow morning

he's back to as bad as he was. pancreatitis is deadly in about 25% of cases for dogs so we are very worried.

he's only been off the iv for 24 hours and is already dehydrated again which is a bad sign. he should be improving not regressing.

I am currently sitting in a walmart parking lot sobbing. have to go in to get a thermometer for him bc if his body temp gets too low we go to the er vet.

and it's a secondary worry but the bills for this are killing us as well.

fuck you universe seriously.

[Goddess Dictator]

ok doing better. still worried about cooper but his temp is holding and he isn't great but he'll make it until we can get him to the vet in the morning.

i cried it out in my car then had an anxiety attack then got my shit together went in got what I needed and went home and took care of him. oh I think I screamed for five minutes in my car too lol. I'm so dramatic.

[litechick]

That's not drama (or rather, who cares if it's drama.) You have to blow off some of the pressure so that you can carry on. Accept your feelings--check. Release the tension--check. Take a deep breath and carry on--check.

You are acting like a winner on all points.

[Goddess Dictator]

That's not drama (or rather, who cares if it's drama.) You have to blow off some of the pressure so that you can carry on. Accept your feelings--check. Release the tension--check. Take a deep breath and carry on--check.

You are acting like a winner on all points.

thanks! cooper has to have surgery so that's at 3. I am afraid I'm breaking out in hives. have them starting in my armpit bc that's what my body does when stressed so yay.

[scotcat]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. Sometimes it truly does seem like the universe just takes pleasure in handing out 'fuck you's' to people.

And you weren't being dramatic - you needed to let rid of the tension & anxiety. Take it from someone with an anxiety disorder, if you don't find ways of getting it out, it leads to bad things. You're doing what you need to do to keep yourself sane.

[Lany Freelove Cassandra]

Geed, you are my hero. :) On the emotional side of dealing with life, there is really only 'what works for me' and you seem to have figured it out. You tried yoga, you tried knitting, you tried punching shit--bingo!

You have confronted your unique set of challenges and found a way to work around them and that's all that can be asked of anyone.

There is no need to feel 'fragile' or hang your head on that score. You are smart and capable and you can get shit done.

I'm so glad to hear that Cooper is doing better. With that under control, only 6 more life crisis to tackle!

Very much this!

You are an amazing and strong person.

Just remember to breathe and take a few moments for yourself :grouphug: