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Uncomplicating books for fun. Needless to say there will be spoilers.


Andrew Gilfellon

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Just for fun, a blunt explanation of authors books. There's one for Malazan in the don't understand the love thread. Feel free to add.



The Prince of Nothing by R SCOTT BAKKER.



There was an Apocalypse 2000 years ago caused by a coffin in a tornado that destroyed the world. There's a prophecy about the chosen one who will return to save the world. There is an ancient order of wizards whose sole purpose is to watch for the return and spy on the evil guys. The bad guys have massive penises that shoot black semen. If you hate that women have equal rights you're going to love the professions the women have in this book. The chosen one is an ass who makes the world his womb. It has Cnaiur.



THE FIRST LAW by JOE ABERCROMBIE.


Remember David Eddings? This is like that but better. There are two nations that don't like each other. Gandalf has attitude and Saroman is quite reasonable. The torturer will happily cut your nipples off but draws the line at kicking puppies. Dusty cannibals. A feisty women who doesn't need the love of a strong man to show her the way. The barbarians have soul. Jezel's chin really is quite magnificent.



The Demon Cycle by PETER V BRETT


It has demons and half naked women. Arab counterparts where rape is a rite of passage. I feel like we're supposed to like the female protagonists but I could be wrong.



SWORD OF TRUTH by TERRY GOODKIND.


If this was an animated series it would have been hentai porn. You're not a hero until you kick a child in the face. Chickens are evil. Despite being in a made up world with magic and made up names this is most definitely not fantasy. Or, if you're not the author and not deluded, it most definitely is fantasy.












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LotR - setting-dispositive numinous object very reasonably entrusted to the care of bucolic virgin.

WoT - bucolic virgins very reasonably selected to lead world war against satan.

foundation - bucolic virgin engineers very reasonably expect to save galaxy from millennium of civil war.

ender's game - one bucolic virgin very reasonably tasked to defeat alien invasion whereas another takes over internet from parents' basement.

hunger games - bucolic virgin leads revolution on reality television.

thunderdome - wasteland drifter defeats evil bucolic virgin and thereby saves entire town.

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SWORD OF TRUTH by TERRY GOODKIND.

If this was an animated series it would have been hentai porn. You're not a hero until you kick a child in the face. Chickens are evil. Despite being in a made up world with magic and made up names this is most definitely not fantasy. Or, if you're not the author and not deluded, it most definitely is fantasy.

Isn't that a redundant redundancy? :shocked:

Anyway,

Where the Red Fern Grows: A dog dies

Old Yeller: A dog dies

Notre Dame de Paris: The streets of Paris, a detailed layout... and somewhere there's a story of a priest, a gypsy, and a hunchback.

Eye of Argon:

"Take hold of this rope," said the first soldier, "and climb out from your pit, slut. Your presence is requested in another far deeper hell hole."

Grignr slipped his right hand to his thigh, concealing a small opaque object beneath the folds of the g-string wrapped about his waist.
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This kinda reminds me of "Uncomfortable Plot Summaries" -- which was more movie-focused, but also got some good digs on books (every Gaiman book is summarized as "Misfit discovers s/he is a special person in secret world just beside our own.")



Some highlights:



  • 300: Gays kill blacks.
  • BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
  • HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
  • LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
  • STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
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Just let him post the first line of every review on Goodreads

hahaha I can pop a few:

hyperion II - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/691152367

end of eternity - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/462369635

legend - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/637322432

lord of light - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/654589141

moon is a harsh mistress - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/447969199

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Jane Austen: Family of sisters is going to eventually lose their estate to distant male relative due to male-favored inheritance laws. They set about looking for husbands. Many things are not what they seem, some men are charismatic scumbags, some are pleasant fellows, and others are brooding men who are totally worth getting. In the end at least two of the sisters get a husband from the second and the third category.


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Malazan Book of the Fallen by Steven Erikson




These guys formed an Empire 100 years ago then this other girl killed them and changed her name because she now rules Empire. Original guys only pretend to be dead and instead travel through a magical realm that allows them to have God like powers and to go anywhere really fast. There is a guy who broods with a big sword filled with angst. A guy named Traveller because he likes to travel and also has angst. Dinosaurs who may or may not have opposable thumbs. A God who is considered evil and does evil things but the good guys want to help him anyways because they're good. A race that is bendable like Stretch Armstrong. A fat person who rides a donkey.


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hamlet - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because ghost.



macbeth - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because witch.



othello - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because handkerchief.



lear - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because sulfurous pit.



R&J - entitled aristocrats murder entire household because bucolic virgins.


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hamlet - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because ghost.

macbeth - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because witch.

othello - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because handkerchief.

lear - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because sulfurous pit.

R&J - entitled aristocrats murder entire household because bucolic virgins.

Richard III : Entitled aristocrat murders entire household because.

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