Dating 19 - Angels, Algorithms, and Alliteration

[TerraPrime]

Re: Min

Also, for your consideration, I would recommend not offering a meet up opportunity right away. Taking the time to communicate via email a couple of times, or even texting a bit, can give you a much better sense of whether the person is a match for a date or not. I know that's true for me. More than half the time, I know I have no interest in meeting someone despite a decent profile from just texting with them a bit, i.e., they seem too clingy, very passive aggressive, very rude, etc., all stuff that a profile that may not be able to convey fully. Not that texting will convey fully but it beats a static profile, imo.

ETA

My approach when I see an interesting profile is basically what you started with, in listing some common interests, and then proceed with "Hey, I'd like to chat and see if there's a possibility for a meet-up. Here's my off-site email."

[Isis]

With the disclaimer that everyone is looking for different things* it might just be too sudden for most people if you ask them to meet up in your very first message. Can you put something in your profile which reflects your preference to get to know someone face-to-face? Or even mention it in your messages so that people see it's a deliberate intention on your part.

People can be nervous about dating for so many reasons. I think a lot of people would be scared off by such a direct initial contact. It's possible that if it comes off like 'meet me in person or don't bother' you could put off potentially compatible matches. I certainly ignored a few messages like that as they were absolutely not what I was looking for.

*I was the opposite of you and it was completely essential for me that the person I was looking for could and would communicate with me in writing, at length, before we met in person.

[TerraPrime]

Agreed on exchanging just a few messages first. Most straight guys like to feel that they are the ones in control.

That may be true, but, knowing Min, I'm not sure that she wants to be dating men like that. Mostly, going from "hello" to "date" in 1 message is just a bit unusual for online dating and it may flag her direct approach in a negative light. Whether the altered approapch appeases men in general or not really ought not be a consideration in this case.

[MinDonner]

Thanks guys. :) And lol, yeah, the last damn thing I want is blokes who want to be "in control" (outside very specific contexts anyway :leer: ) - so yeah, maybe I'll tone down the immediate invites. Damn this complicated etiquette anyway!

*grumblemutterstoopiddatingsites*

[sperry]

So, Miss teacher just didn't respond to my request for a second date. She has been in contact with me, via snapchat and text, but simply acted as if I didn't ask her out again. Pretty bizarre, have to wonder if she's juggling two guys at once (the marine guy perhaps) and doesn't want to flat out say no, but also doesn't want to commit to "dating" one of the two.

Regardless, I"m done pursuing it. If she wants to get a hold of me and explain herself, she has my number and I'll listen. But at this point I have to assume she's either (a) not interested in dating for whatever reason and too inconsiderate to just say as much, or (b) she's playing games that I have no interest in dealing with.

So back, to the dating grind for me, I suppose.

[Inigima]

Be done. If she didn't want to commit she'd say yes to both of you, not nothing.

[sperry]

Be done. If she didn't want to commit she'd say yes to both of you, not nothing.

Definitely am, there's just no reason this had to end poorly. A "let's just be friends" or "I'm not interested in dating right now" isn't a lot to ask.

[Swordfish]

Definitely am, there's just no reason this had to end poorly. A "let's just be friends" or "I'm not interested in dating right now" isn't a lot to ask.

Did it end poorly? it would have been better had she been explicit about it, but ti doesn't sound like she did anything really wrong, other than that, and it seems like she was giving you pretty clear signals.

[sperry]

Did it end poorly? it would have been better had she been explicit about it, but ti doesn't sound like she did anything really wrong, other than that, and it seems like she was giving you pretty clear signals.

Ignoring and failing to answer someone asking you a reasonable question that the answer is clearly important to them is very rude. So yes, I would say it ended poorly. It's not asking a lot for a response. It's not like this was a random online message to a stranger.

Update: She apologized for not responding sooner (I didn't say anything to her about it, she just did it). Said she liked hanging out with me but didn't want a relationship right now. I told her no problem, I hoped she'd keep in touch, and I'd see her around. So, definitely bummed out, but the bad taste in my mouth is gone. So, we can put a wraps on this one.

[TerraPrime]

I think courtesy will say that you should let the other person know that you're not interested in a more up-front and direct manner.

But far as endings go, this is a mild scale of annoyance. Still wrong on her part, imo, but at least she was not a jerk about it and she didn't give you some lame story about it.

Still, sorry that it didn't work out. Better luck next round. :)

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

So Charles Manson has been granted a marriage license. I don't know if that should make me hopeful or make me think seriously about whether or not I want to be part of this world.

[Xray the Enforcer]

I think courtesy will say that you should let the other person know that you're not interested in a more up-front and direct manner.

That's a bit of your privilege, as a male, showing, Terra. I, and most women I know, have at one time or another, been treated to verbal abuse (and worse) for being up-front and direct about not wanting to date someone. Yea verily, even after only one date. So I will say that one should behave in a manner that keeps one as safe as possible. If that means just going radio silent, then so be it.

[Arkhangel]

That's a bit of your privilege, as a male, showing, Terra. I, and most women I know, have at one time or another, been treated to verbal abuse (and worse) for being up-front and direct about not wanting to date someone. Yea verily, even after only one date. So I will say that one should behave in a manner that keeps one as safe as possible. If that means just going radio silent, then so be it.

That's a good point, and I think it's also worth taking into consideration that women are socialised differently. We are socialised to be more indirect, particularly about things like rejection, because where a direct man might be considered up-front and honest, a direct woman is very probably going to be called a bitch. Would it be better if she'd been more direct about it in this case? Probably, yes, but I think maybe* cut her some slack.

* Edit: see what I did there? I didn't until after I'd posted, but it's called linguistic hedging and it is much, much more common in female speech across most cultures for the exact reason that it makes speech more indirect. It's hard to escape gender socialisation even when you're aware of it!

[sologdin]

fairly certain that it's obligatory to exchange willy shots prior to requesting a vis-a-vis.

[Larry of the Lawn]

fairly certain that it's obligatory to exchange willy shots prior to requesting a vis-a-vis.

There's actually been a Luddite movement against this recently. In an attempt to harken back to simpler times, these pioneers bring 8x12 printed glossies to be exchanged on the first date.

[sologdin]

makes one nostalgic for the simpler ante-daguerreotypical days, when one showed up for courting trousers down & tackle out.

[Lily Valley]

I approve of this archetype.

[sperry]

That's a bit of your privilege, as a male, showing, Terra. I, and most women I know, have at one time or another, been treated to verbal abuse (and worse) for being up-front and direct about not wanting to date someone. Yea verily, even after only one date. So I will say that one should behave in a manner that keeps one as safe as possible. If that means just going radio silent, then so be it.

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. You're suggesting that it's acceptable to attempt to avoid the small possibility that a person will respond in a rude manner to you by doing something extremely rude to that person. It's not an issue of any type of privilege to expect an answer to a completely reasonable question that you've asked someone. Its' a matter of common courtesy.

[Larry of the Lawn]

makes one nostalgic for the simpler ante-daguerreotypical days, when one showed up for courting trousers down & tackle out.

In the Golden Age of courting, the advent of spring was characterized by a massive demand for street-side illustrators and painters, as suitors contracted portraits of their junk to send to prospective partners. There was a line in the Canterbury Tales prologue about this deleted by Chaucer's prude editor.

[TerraPrime]

That's a bit of your privilege, as a male, showing, Terra. I, and most women I know, have at one time or another, been treated to verbal abuse (and worse) for being up-front and direct about not wanting to date someone. Yea verily, even after only one date. So I will say that one should behave in a manner that keeps one as safe as possible. If that means just going radio silent, then so be it.

Fair point.

My working assumption is that unless someone gives me an indication that they might act like an asshole upon hearing the rejection, then I will proceed with honesty. I accept that for women dating men, the bar of sufficient indicator might be significantly lower, due to the prevalence of male entitlement attitude that prompts this kind of shitty response to rejections.

Kind of reminds me of the responses we get from users when we delete their posts and warn them.

"Hey, your post was deleted because you were rude and acted like an ass in it."

"Oh yeah? You're a goat-fucking limpdicked faggot and I will not be censored by your liberal commie ideology!"

"... way to prove a point, Mr. Brilliant."

And so, after getting responses similar to those many times, I expect that level of discourse every time I go warn someone. I'm sometimes pleasantly surprised when the user was actually sincerely contrite or at least polite. So, yeah, I see some parallel here, though the type and the severity of aggravation that women face in real life are obviously worse and significantly more consequential than angry user PMs.