Dating 19 - Angels, Algorithms, and Alliteration

[alguien]

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. You're suggesting that it's acceptable to attempt to avoid the small possibility that a person will respond in a rude manner to you by doing something extremely rude to that person. It's not an issue of any type of privilege to expect an answer to a completely reasonable question that you've asked someone. Its' a matter of common courtesy.

It's sad, but not ridiculous. I've seen and read about too many dude freakin' out over a simple rejection.

[Inigima]

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. You're suggesting that it's acceptable to attempt to avoid the small possibility that a person will respond in a rude manner to you by doing something extremely rude to that person. It's not an issue of any type of privilege to expect an answer to a completely reasonable question that you've asked someone. Its' a matter of common courtesy.

A couple of points.

First, and this is important: nobody owes you shit in dating. If they don't want to respond to you, that's up to them. I realize that it sucks when people don't reply to you; I've complained about it before as well. But them's the breaks.

Second: When roles were reversed, and other people wanted to keep seeing me and I wasn't interested, I told some of them I wasn't interested, I said nothing to others. In both cases I wasn't sure what was best, and sometimes it is hard to find a nice way to express disinterest. Sometimes it's easier to just let it go.

Third: It isn't a small possibility. It's very common. That's Xray's point. You don't get to decide for them that your preference outweighs their risk.

[sologdin]

contracted portraits of their junk to send to prospective partners. There was a line in the Canterbury Tales prologue about this deleted by Chaucer's prude editor.

ha. can you imagine something that was too risqué to get into chaucer? consider, for example, this example of chaucerian dating, from the miller's tale:

This Absolon gan wype his mouth ful drie.
Derk was the nyght as pich, or as a cole,
And at the wyndow out she putte hir hole,
And Absolon, hym fil no bet ne wers,
But with his mouth he kiste hir naked ers
Ful savorly, er he were war of this.
Abak he stirte, and thoughte it was amys,
For wel he wiste a womman hath no berd.
He felte a thyng al rough and long yherd,
And seyde, "Fy! allas! what have I do?"

[sperry]

A couple of points.

First, and this is important: nobody owes you shit in dating. If they don't want to respond to you, that's up to them. I realize that it sucks when people don't reply to you; I've complained about it before as well. But them's the breaks.

Second: When roles were reversed, and other people wanted to keep seeing me and I wasn't interested, I told some of them I wasn't interested, I said nothing to others. In both cases I wasn't sure what was best, and sometimes it is hard to find a nice way to express disinterest. Sometimes it's easier to just let it go.

Third: It isn't a small possibility. It's very common. That's Xray's point. You don't get to decide for them that your preference outweighs their risk.

1) The term "owed" doesn't mean anything here. In the sense that nobody is legally entitled to be treated with courtesy, no, I'm not "owed" anything. I'm not going to go bang on her door demanding an answer. Doesn't mean that you should treat people like shit, though, just because you can. And obviously she realized that she had treated me with a lack of respect, since she apologized for doing so and let me know that she wasn't interested.

2) There are definitely scenarios where reducing or even eliminating contact are appropriate. Just can't agree if that scenario involved daily conversations for a period of months, followed by complete silence because a person that has clearly indicated they are interested in you asks you on a second date (and honestly, if we counted like getting a coffee or a drink or just hanging out together by ourselves it would have been like an 8th date).

3) Common in some contexts, yes. I'm sure it happens all the time in the world of online dating messages. I think the scenario is quite a bit different among people who have established themselves as friends before any dates happened, have mutual friends (and therefore references), and will see each other in real life whether they go forward with dating or not.

[lessthanluke]

1) The term "owed" doesn't mean anything here. In the sense that nobody is legally entitled to be treated with courtesy, no, I'm not "owed" anything. I'm not going to go bang on her door demanding an answer. Doesn't mean that you should treat people like shit, though, just because you can. And obviously she realized that she had treated me with a lack of respect, since she apologized for doing so and let me know that she wasn't interested.

2) There are definitely scenarios where reducing or even eliminating contact are appropriate. Just can't agree if that scenario involved daily conversations for a period of months, followed by complete silence because a person that has clearly indicated they are interested in you asks you on a second date (and honestly, if we counted like getting a coffee or a drink or just hanging out together by ourselves it would have been like an 8th date).

3) Common in some contexts, yes. I'm sure it happens all the time in the world of online dating messages. I think the scenario is quite a bit different among people who have established themselves as friends before any dates happened, have mutual friends (and therefore references), and will see each other in real life whether they go forward with dating or not.

Totally agreed.

[Lily Valley]

contracted portraits of their junk to send to prospective partners. There was a line in the Canterbury Tales prologue about this deleted by Chaucer's prude editor.

ha. can you imagine something that was too risqué to get into chaucer? consider, for example, this example of chaucerian dating, from the miller's tale:

I thought you were pulling my leg until I found this:

what eyleth yow to grucche thus and grone

Is it for ye wolde have my queynte alone

Wy taak it al! Lo, have it every deel!

Which sums up my feelings on monogamy perfectly.

6 pm date with Dave Matthews tonight. Gotta go home and get pretty.

[lessthanluke]

Have fun!

[Larry of the Lawn]

I thought you were pulling my leg until I found this:

Which sums up my feelings on monogamy perfectly.

Of course the cuckold husband needs to chill out a bit:

This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart, As greet as it had been a thonder-dent, That with the strook he was almoost yblent; And he was redy with his iren hoot, And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot, Of gooth the skyn an hande brede aboute, The hoote kultour brende so his toute, And for the smert he wende for to dye. As he were wood,for wo he gan to crye, "Help! Water! Water! Help for Goddes herte!"

[fuseprime]

I got back from my weekend away at the Poconos. I met a girl who is absolutely fantastic. She's goofy and nerdy and socially awkward, which pretty sums me up in a nut shell. I had mentioned in the last thread that we met back in July, but nothing came of it since I was away for a month, and she was just getting out of a relationship. I knew then that she was great, and unfortunately I never had the opportunity to see her again until this weekend (she's my friend's girlfriend's friend).

We pretty much picked up where we left off. The chemistry between us was fantastic. We just talked about nothing, and everything, you know? I have a date with her on Thursday, and then she's going to Georgia to be with her mother for a week for Thanksgiving. I'm pretty excited about where things between us could go. I don't think I've ever been this excited for a date before.

[MinDonner]

Update on the "try not to immediately ask blokes out for drinks in the first message" strategy: success! Though I only sort-of did that, in as far as offering the option to chat online OR arrange a meetup, mainly cos I had no idea how to start a conversation otherwise :leaving:

Anyway, date with a very tall and well-travelled 47-y-o booked for next week (unless he cancels as well). Not sure if there'll be any chemistry, as his profile was a bit dry, but he should be interesting to talk to, and damn, I need the practice at this dating shit.

eta: congrats Fuseprime! Hope it all goes well for you, but that sounds really promising :)

[Eyron]

1) The term "owed" doesn't mean anything here. In the sense that nobody is legally entitled to be treated with courtesy, no, I'm not "owed" anything. I'm not going to go bang on her door demanding an answer. Doesn't mean that you should treat people like shit, though, just because you can. And obviously she realized that she had treated me with a lack of respect, since she apologized for doing so and let me know that she wasn't interested.

2) There are definitely scenarios where reducing or even eliminating contact are appropriate. Just can't agree if that scenario involved daily conversations for a period of months, followed by complete silence because a person that has clearly indicated they are interested in you asks you on a second date (and honestly, if we counted like getting a coffee or a drink or just hanging out together by ourselves it would have been like an 8th date).

3) Common in some contexts, yes. I'm sure it happens all the time in the world of online dating messages. I think the scenario is quite a bit different among people who have established themselves as friends before any dates happened, have mutual friends (and therefore references), and will see each other in real life whether they go forward with dating or not.

Just a point of thought reading the last parts of this thread:

Maybe she just hadn't made up her mind yet? Seems to be the most simple answer to this. That perhaps she felt like she had treated you with lack of respect, doesn't imply she did anything wrong.

You don't know if she has had a rejection gone horribly wrong before. There is no way of telling if the nice guy you are seeing is going to go nuts on you from a rejection, hell women are killed by their husbands and boyfriends of many years all the time. We are not mindreaders.

[sperry]

Update on the "try not to immediately ask blokes out for drinks in the first message" strategy: success! Though I only sort-of did that, in as far as offering the option to chat online OR arrange a meetup, mainly cos I had no idea how to start a conversation otherwise :leaving:

Anyway, date with a very tall and well-travelled 47-y-o booked for next week (unless he cancels as well). Not sure if there'll be any chemistry, as his profile was a bit dry, but he should be interesting to talk to, and damn, I need the practice at this dating shit.

eta: congrats Fuseprime! Hope it all goes well for you, but that sounds really promising :)

Good luck!

Fuseprime as well.

[N/A]

Just a point of thought reading the last parts of this thread:

Maybe she just hadn't made up her mind yet? Seems to be the most simple answer to this. That perhaps she felt like she had treated you with lack of respect, doesn't imply she did anything wrong.

You don't know if she has had a rejection gone horribly wrong before. There is no way of telling if the nice guy you are seeing is going to go nuts on you from a rejection, hell women are killed by their husbands and boyfriends of many years all the time. We are not mindreaders.

I dunno eira , that's one way to get me to be an ass and ruin any potential friendship . I have feelings and shit too .

[KiDisaster]

I dunno eira , that's one way to get me to be an ass and ruin any potential friendship . I have feelings and shit too .

Couple things.

If she's going totally radio silent she isn't interested in continuing a friendship anyway.

Regarding feelings. Yeah, it sucks to be ignored or left hanging. Uncertainty is never fun, especially if you're a natural worrier like I am. If I've been in frequent contact with someone for weeks and been on a date or two and everything seemed like it was going well to me and then randomly all communication stops, I worry. Is she just busy? Did something happen to her? Is she alright? Did I do something to put her off or did she just lose interest? Etc. I know it's stupid, and I don't start blowing her phone up or anything like that, but I can't help worrying. It's just what I do.

Point is, it's a shitty feeling. No one is gonna deny that. We've all been there at one time or another I'm sure, both the women and men in this thread. Here's what you have to keep in mind though: Her concern for her safety trumps your feelings every time. Whether you're the kind of guy who would respond aggressively to flat out rejection or not.

It sucks and it's not fair, but it's the entitled douchecanoes who can't handle rejection and lash out when they're faced with it who are to blame, not the person protecting themselves from having to deal with that again.

Just how I feel about it.

[N/A]

Couple things.

If she's going totally radio silent she isn't interested in continuing a friendship anyway.

Regarding feelings. Yeah, it sucks to be ignored or left hanging. Uncertainty is never fun, especially if you're a natural worrier like I am. If I've been in frequent contact with someone for weeks and been on a date or two and everything seemed like it was going well to me and then randomly all communication stops, I worry. Is she just busy? Did something happen to her? Is she alright? Did I do something to put her off or did she just lose interest? Etc. I know it's stupid, and I don't start blowing her phone up or anything like that, but I can't help worrying. It's just what I do.

Point is, it's a shitty feeling. No one is gonna deny that. We've all been there at one time or another I'm sure, both the women and men in this thread. Here's what you have to keep in mind though: Her concern for her safety trumps your feelings every time. Whether you're the kind of guy who would respond aggressively to flat out rejection or not.

It sucks and it's not fair, but it's the entitled douchecanoes who can't handle rejection and lash out when they're faced with it who are to blame, not the person protecting themselves from having to deal with that again.

Just how I feel about it.

Well to me basically , she doesn't HAVE to do anything . Just don't expect anything in return . We go our separate ways and never meet again. But if she wants any sort of frienship or anything then she shouldn't do that .

I also don't like the idea of a free pass to being a douche . It's gonna happen and whatever but it's always a bad taste.

[sperry]

Couple things.

If she's going totally radio silent she isn't interested in continuing a friendship anyway.

Regarding feelings. Yeah, it sucks to be ignored or left hanging. Uncertainty is never fun, especially if you're a natural worrier like I am. If I've been in frequent contact with someone for weeks and been on a date or two and everything seemed like it was going well to me and then randomly all communication stops, I worry. Is she just busy? Did something happen to her? Is she alright? Did I do something to put her off or did she just lose interest? Etc. I know it's stupid, and I don't start blowing her phone up or anything like that, but I can't help worrying. It's just what I do.

Point is, it's a shitty feeling. No one is gonna deny that. We've all been there at one time or another I'm sure, both the women and men in this thread. Here's what you have to keep in mind though: Her concern for her safety trumps your feelings every time. Whether you're the kind of guy who would respond aggressively to flat out rejection or not.

It sucks and it's not fair, but it's the entitled douchecanoes who can't handle rejection and lash out when they're faced with it who are to blame, not the person protecting themselves from having to deal with that again.

Just how I feel about it.

My issue with this is that I don't think that just failing to respond is likely to prevent any kind of potential negative backlash to the rejection. Because it's still obviously a rejection, just one done in a much more rude and hurtful way than it could have been. In fact, that seems more likely to elicit a negative reaction.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

[rant]I'm usually fine with rejection. But one of the more recent women I tried to take out gave me the perfect example of the kind of shit that infuriates me. I ask her out on a date in person and she agrees. But every time we try to finalize a plan via text, she ignores the message. When we talk about anything else, she's responding pretty quick. She'll then smile when we see each other and try to converse and say she can't wait for the date. I chalk previous ignoring up as coincidence and try to finalize plans again, to the same damn result.

Fuck that shit, some people just like games and I'm not one for them. That I haven't sent her a gentlemans rant about her bullshit is a testament to my own self-control. I'm not entitled to the following things: a woman's time, a woman's body, a woman's resources. I am entitled, as is everyone else, to the following: some mutherfucking respect. [/rant]

[alguien]

So OKCupid is... interesting.

And apparently Tinder is just for sex hookups anymore. Who knew?

I opened profiles in both and have been messaged. Still haven't responded to much yet.

I'm telling myself that right now is a beta test and that I will be "fully" back on the dating scene once I've had my adventures in London and see what happens with my French crush there.

Still, it's nice to know that one is wanted. Or at good at making an interesting profile. (And for self-esteem purposes, that is what I shall keep telling myself) :)

[Arkhangel]

3) Common in some contexts, yes. I'm sure it happens all the time in the world of online dating messages. I think the scenario is quite a bit different among people who have established themselves as friends before any dates happened, have mutual friends (and therefore references), and will see each other in real life whether they go forward with dating or not.

No, it's really not. Maybe you're the exception, but many people out there and in particular many guys do not take rejection well when it's coming from women. If anything it's more significant in this context than in something like online dating - if some guy turns out to be an aggressive nutter online, all he can do is all her names. You'll see her in real life, how many more ways could you damage her life and/or physically hurt her if you turned out to be an aggressive nutter? You're not, but you can't blame her if she was being cautious.

[fuseprime]

[rant]I'm usually fine with rejection. But one of the more recent women I tried to take out gave me the perfect example of the kind of shit that infuriates me. I ask her out on a date in person and she agrees. But every time we try to finalize a plan via text, she ignores the message. When we talk about anything else, she's responding pretty quick. She'll then smile when we see each other and try to converse and say she can't wait for the date. I chalk previous ignoring up as coincidence and try to finalize plans again, to the same damn result.

Fuck that shit, some people just like games and I'm not one for them. That I haven't sent her a gentlemans rant about her bullshit is a testament to my own self-control. I'm not entitled to the following things: a woman's time, a woman's body, a woman's resources. I am entitled, as is everyone else, to the following: some mutherfucking respect. [/rant]

Thankfully, I've only ever had one experience with someone like that. It was perhaps four or five years ago. We went on a few dates, Hooked up. She would send me cutesy texts, and then one day...nothing. For the longer time I thought it was my cell service or something (I was really naive and optimistic in my early twenties). She more than likely didn't want to "reject" me, and instead opted for complete silence. I wasn't mad or anything then (or am now), like I said, I thought it was my phone being stupid! I just wish I could have known what I did, say, or act, to make her want to end things with me. :dunno:

So OKCupid is... interesting.

And apparently Tinder is just for sex hookups anymore. Who knew?

I opened profiles in both and have been messaged. Still haven't responded to much yet.

I'm telling myself that right now is a beta test and that I will be "fully" back on the dating scene once I've had my adventures in London and see what happens with my French crush there.

Still, it's nice to know that one is wanted. Or at good at making an interesting profile. (And for self-esteem purposes, that is what I shall keep telling myself) :)

Good for you alguien. I was never really successful in the whole online dating scene. I very much prefer meeting people, since that's where my advantage is. I'm totally bad at texting, or holding a proper conversation over the phone. :lol: