Offensive funeral speech

[Ken Stone]

My great uncle Bob died a few days ago and his funeral was today. Uncle Bob was developmental disabled but fairly high functioning. He could only speak in 2 to 3 word sentences but was very outgoing. At Christmas he would stop by and talk to every single person about his new hat, new shoes, new belt buckle, or the time he got to ride on a fire truck. He was a real sweetheart of a guy.

During the funeral the pastor gave people a chance to get up and tell stories about Bob. One of cousins did so and made the remark that he "enjoyed simple things in life, like....". I was like "ooh, she probably shouldn't have used the word "simple" but okay whatever. No harm no foul. But then towards the end of the funeral the pastor was giving his final soliloquy, and started saying that Bob had a simple faith, and simple love. And he continued on and on, using the term "simple" about 8 times. Each time he said it was like fingernails dragging on a chalkboard. He never called Bob simple, but it man oh man, it still came across as tone deaf.

I am tempted to send off an email to the pastor. I'm not really mad about it or anything, but I think he should find a better word. Am I out of line?

[Jslay427]

I don't think your out of line. You know he wasn't doing it on purpose, but using simple to describe someone like Bob over and over again isn't how he should have been laid to rest.

[Rrachel]

Hmmm I get what you're saying.

Simple can be a good thing sometimes, since it's a synonym of modesty and humble... but indeed, when you tell it so many times, you kind of bring the person down a little... usually, 'great' is a word more used on funerals... A great man, a great love for the other...

If you felt bad for the choosing of words I would defenitly let the pastor know just in case he might have it in mind for next speechs

[Ned Snow]

It might be a better idea to speak with the pastor in person.

[Ken Stone]

Hmmm I get what you're saying.

Simple can be a good thing sometimes, since it's a synonym of modesty and humble... but indeed, when you tell it so many times, you kind of bring the person down a little... usually, 'great' is a word more used on funerals... A great man, a great love for the other...

If you felt bad for the choosing of words I would defenitly let the pastor know just in case he might have it in mind for next speechs

It mostly had to do with the fact Bob was developmentally disabled. If he wasn't and they called him a simple man, I wouldn't have thought much of it.

[NestorMakhnosLovechild]

Honestly, I'd check with the family who arranged the funeral service before taking anything up with the pastor and asking if they had an issue. In my experience, when the pastor doesn't have a lot of experience with the deceased (and even when they do, sometimes), they will often ask the family for some thoughts on the person who died in order to frame their own little speech. Given that another member of the family used "simple" to describe him, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that that's how he was described to the pastor, and that's why he incorporated it into his speech.

[Dr. Pepper]

I agree that it's probably best to speak with those who planned the funeral about this before going to the pastor. It's often considered a virtue to live simply. Descriptions of a person embracing a life of simplicity can be standard funeral talk. It's uncomfortable and upsetting to hear someone use 'simple' several times in relation to a developmentally disabled person. On the other hand, those planning the funeral might have felt this was an important virtue to ascribe to their beloved relative regardless of Uncle Bob's disability. It's a touchy issue.

[sj4iy]

I can see what angers you about it, but since you weren't involved in the planning, I would just let it go. My 19 year old cousin died of cancer when I was 18, and the pastor used her funeral as a pulpit to 'call people to God', saying very little about her and repeatedly telling everyone that if they wanted to see her again, they needed to be saved. I have nothing against religion being talked about in funerals, but I am against when the pastor hijacks it for his own sermon, which is what this guy did in the most egregious way. But I bit my tongue, because nothing good would come of complaining. I think this situation is the same...just remember your Uncle Bob for who he was, and don't let stupid remarks get to you about it.

Sorry for your loss.

[Ken Stone]

Holy shit, the plot just thickened. I was telling my sister (who couldn't make it because she was out of town) about the funeral and she revealed that the pastor is her neighbor! I guess I won't have to send the email after all.

[Crazydog7]

I don’t often do this and I don’t want hijack what you are saying because what you are saying is right and fair but people with disabilities have to go through shit like this ALL THE TIME and it doesn’t end when you are 10, 20, 40, or 70 it never ends. I don’t blame nondisabled people the vast majority of them mean well especially at a funeral. This utterly stupid construct that people have of THE disabled as if all disabled people think alike, act alike and hold the same opinions about everything

Seriously don’t get me started on this we will go on for 20 pages but I want to say how grateful I am that your uncle had someone in his life that would even have this reaction its not something that a lot of disabled people have.

On the other hand stories like this

http://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/elmhurst/chi-elmhurst-murder-suicide-deaths-20140901-story.html

Are very real and they happen every day.

[Summah]

Unfortunately ableism is quite socially acceptable and many people can't understand how offensive their attitudes, beliefs and actions can be. But stories like that one are especially horrifying, there gave green other incidents of parents killing their disabled children and bring praised for hie much they loved and cared for their child, and then there are things like the "Ashley Treatment" which is some of the sickest shit I've ever heard in my life. I could also go on for 20 pages about this subject.

[karaddin]

I'm sympathetic to your anger on this Ken. I'll avoid derailing with my own rant but I see parallels with mistreatment of dead trans people by their families which is one I could rant about for 20 minutes. Completely understand wanting to see your Uncle Bob appropriately remembered.

[Wee baby Shamus]

Since Nestor has given the best advice about this subject I suggest we talk about good funeral speeches.

One of my Uncles past a few years ago. He lived in a small town his whole life and a handful of ladies said at his funeral that if some jerk was harassing them and he was there he remedied the situation real quick.

[zelticgar]

The most recent example of noteworthy funeral speech was Stern's eulogy of Joan Rivers.

Margaret Cho's description from the article:

In the morose silence Howard Stern said, "Joan Rivers had a dry pussy."

At first, the words just hung there, as no one knew exactly what to do. Of course I started laughing hysterically, and everyone else, remembering who we were there to honor, followed suit. Howard Stern actually choked back tears as he continued – "Joan's pussy was so dry it was like a sponge – so that when she got in the bathtub – whooooosh – all the water would get absorbed in there! Joan said that if Whitney Houston had as dry a pussy as Joan's, she would still be alive today…"