Gift Etiquette (charitable edition)

[Mlle. Zabzie]

The husband person and I alternate years to spend with our families on Christmas. This year is his family's year. The lovely in laws announced that instead of gifts adults would do charitable donations in honor of the giftee. Ok, I thought that was nice - not like I need more stuff (but they announced this AFTER I had bought them each a book and printed and framed pics of the kids for them - oh well). So the day after the announcement (meaning today) I sent them a choice of four charities that I really like. The response was "well it's already taken care of this year but we will keep it in mind for the future" followed by a list of their favored charities.

1. Was I wrong to suggest charities I support?

2. Was it rude of them to announce this gift giving plan 10 days before Christmas?

3. Would it be rude to do the donations in their honor to one or more of my favored charities?

4. What do people think about donations in lieu of gifts in any event?

[AverageGuy]

1. No.

2. I wouldn't say rude (because I'm nice like that) but it didn't really take people who might have already started Christmas shopping into consideration. I tend to do my shopping on Christmas Eve, but this is the kind of thing you might want to announce prior to Black Friday.

3. At this point, yes. You have a list of charities they support and you haven't already donated. While, again, they weren't really taking your feelings into consideration, doing the same thing to them is a little spiteful. As long as at least one charity on the list isn't one you have some sort of moral objection to, you should go with that one.

4. Not a fan generally. If it is talked about ahead of time, and with your idea of providing lists of charities, I think I'd be okay with it, as it takes some of the pressure off.

[Bryanfury]

1. Definitely not

2. Imo, yes. If you're gonna make a request or whatever, it's best to do it well in advance, maybe 3 weeks or more, so that people actually have time to plan for it etc while reducing the chance of the person already having bought gifts

3. Yes. You know what they want, and although I think it was rude to reject your charities, it'd be rude to reject theirs.

4. Half the time gift giving etc is just exchanging things people have asked for anyway, so I don't see a problem with donation things if it's been asked for. I wouldn't give or want a donation i it wasn't asked for though.

[Shryke]

1. Was I wrong to suggest charities I support?

2. Was it rude of them to announce this gift giving plan 10 days before Christmas?

3. Would it be rude to do the donations in their honor to one or more of my favored charities?

4. What do people think about donations in lieu of gifts in any event?

1) Hell no. That's the whole point of this shit. Though it also might be expected that they should already know which charities you'd like to fund.

2) Hell yes. 10 days before Christmas? Motherfuckers, tons of people are done already. Completely bullshit on their parts.

3) Rude? Maybe. But totally acceptable. Just send back a reply saying "well it's already taken care of this year but I will keep those charities in mind for the future". They are being bitchy as fuck with you with their reply anyway.

4) I'm not a fan, but that's more that it's something I don't want to do personally. I'm not against the idea if that's what other people want.

[Iskaral Pust]

No

Not rude but inconsiderate

Yes, it would come off as antagonistic even though they never asked for you preferred charities

I like the idea, especially among people who can and do buy whatever they want

At least your preferred charities are on the record for next year.

[Alarich]

Donation instead of a gift can be a nice touch (if you do it right the giftee will get the tax deductible for the donation as well - at least here in Germany), I also like the idea of lottery tickets for charitable causes. However, asking for it 10 days before Christmas is much too late and frankly, it reeks of "I have no idea for a present, let's kill two birds with one stone".

IMO, donations in someone elses name should always be concerted with the involved parties. There are certain causes and charities that some might find highly problematic and others find wonderful. If donor and giftee don't match on that account, it's really pointless. Of course, noone can reasonably expect that the donor will donate to a cause/charity he is not comfortable with. However, it really goes against the idea of a gift to donate to your favourite charity and then declare it in someone elses name and wrap it up as a gift. That's just lazy and frankly it's not gift, it's just something you do for yourself.

I would not recommend tit for tat donations, either. You have their list, you didn't make a donation yet, you should probably swallow this although it feels a little disrespectful on the part of your inlaws.

[Isis]

I think that deciding which charities to donate to as 'your' gift from them kind of defeats the object of it having anything to do with you.

Better for them to say, 'we have decided against the giving of gifts this year and have decided to make donations to charity INSTEAD', then it is not actually associated with you and is entirely their decision who they donate to.

So, yes, I think they are missing the point here and have sort of fucked things up. :)

(I'm totally fine with donations instead of gifts and also with just not doing gifts at all.)

ETA: (I speed-read pre-caffeine) Um, what? You should do what Shryke said and give 'their' gift to your chosen charities. Good grief. Some people.

[Xray the Enforcer]

1) No. Totally acceptable.

2) Yes. I usually have my shopping done by now.

3) Probably, but fuck them. They were already rude twice to you (first with the late notice and then with the rude answer) so feel free to pay it back. That said, the responsible adult would probably suck it up and donate to the least egregious of their chosen charities. That will set the stage for next year when everyone's charities of choice will be recognized.

4) I love the idea of giving to charity in lieu of giving gifts. We are in a similar financial situation -- can afford anything that would reasonably be given as a gift -- and we certainly don't need any more "stuff."

[TrueMetis]

1. Was I wrong to suggest charities I support?

2. Was it rude of them to announce this gift giving plan 10 days before Christmas?

3. Would it be rude to do the donations in their honor to one or more of my favored charities?

4. What do people think about donations in lieu of gifts in any event?

1. No

2. Yes

3. Yes but as that seems to be what they've done, fuckem.

4. I'm fine with is as long as the person who's having the donation done in their name asked for it. Just doing it in their name without letting them know or making sure they're fine with the charities in question is a dick move. I know of several "charities" that if someone made a donation to them in my name that would probably start a fight.

[Kikajon]

1. no

2. yes

3. now that you know what charitis they prefer it wouldn't be really reaaly rude, I would say not much appreciated though

4.if I understood they want donation made "in their name"! Really? It looks really bizarre, let's say..

I think they could give you a preference, not impose tha kind of gift you want to do..thay cannos know if you ahd already bought something, if you hade decided not to sped money but do something yourself (a scarf :) for them...

You can encourage donations, even to a charity of your choice, but it should remain at the level o a suggestion, nothing more IMHO

[Shryke]

The adult thing to do here is to look at the situation and realise that what they have actually done is donated money to a charity they liked in lieu of getting you a gift and then said "But totally get us a gift still".

The responsible thing to do at this point is to then say "Fuck these people" and do whatever suits you best.

[Elder Sister]

Rude is announcing 10 days before the holiday that we're doing charitable donations this year instead of gifts. That announcement would have been acceptable for next year, not this year.

It's probably a bit brassy to choose charities you favor, but compared to your Inlaws, you're positively tame. I say go for it.

[Elder Sister]

The adult thing to do here is to look at the situation and realise that what they have actually done is donated money to a charity they liked in lieu of getting you a gift and then said "But totally get us a gift still".

The responsible thing to do at this point is to then say "Fuck these people" and do whatever suits you best.

Amen to this.

[DreamSongs]

The husband person and I alternate years to spend with our families on Christmas. This year is his family's year. The lovely in laws announced that instead of gifts adults would do charitable donations in honor of the giftee. Ok, I thought that was nice - not like I need more stuff (but they announced this AFTER I had bought them each a book and printed and framed pics of the kids for them - oh well). So the day after the announcement (meaning today) I sent them a choice of four charities that I really like. The response was "well it's already taken care of this year but we will keep it in mind for the future" followed by a list of their favored charities.

1. Was I wrong to suggest charities I support?

2. Was it rude of them to announce this gift giving plan 10 days before Christmas?

3. Would it be rude to do the donations in their honor to one or more of my favored charities?

4. What do people think about donations in lieu of gifts in any event?

1. No

2. Yes. This should have gone out around Thanksgiving before people started shopping.

3. Yes. Two rudes don't make it right.

4. Donations are great, but something personal and heartfelt (like pictures of the kids) should still be given if its family.

[Mlle. Zabzie]

So a couple of things. First, the charities they have selected (Doctors without Borders and the Peace Corps) aren't per se bad charities. It's just not how I like to spend my charitable give (I prefer local charities - and there are a couple that I volunteer with that do great work (I sit on the junior board of one, which they know), I know where the money goes, and I wholeheartedly support the mission). Second, I have found out that the donations in our names have gone to their preferred charities so they are basically asking us for matching gifts. I'm just kinda peeved about it. So third, I'm thinking instead of donating in their name to the hospital where my kids were born earmarked for the NICU. My twins wouldn't be alive but for the amazing care they got there, and I am feeling like that is a bit less controversial and harder to argue with than a donation to one of my pet charities.

[sj4iy]

I would give them the presents I already had for them and tell them that you already had it done.

And the whole point of donating to a charity on someone's behalf is that it be a charity that they want, not one the gift giver want. I have the charities that I support, but I'm picky about them because I want to make sure that people are actually helped. Typically at Christmas I prefer angel trees (this year I did a child and a senior citizen) and toy drives (toys 4 tots or donations to the children's hospital). I do cash donations to other charities during the year, but I prefer to physically shop at Christmas.

I find the entire situation rude and unsupportable, myself, and I would say so.

[Xray the Enforcer]

So third, I'm thinking instead of donating in their name to the hospital where my kids were born earmarked for the NICU. My twins wouldn't be alive but for the amazing care they got there, and I am feeling like that is a bit less controversial and harder to argue with than a donation to one of my pet charities.

Excellent option.

[Seventh Pup]

I don't think it's rude to say "While I appreciate the donation to charity. We have already done our Christmas Shopping. Next year I look forward to doing this."

1. You were not rude assume that their announcement meant that the giftee could choose the charity. I thought this was how it was supposed to work.

2. It is extremely rude. Actually while I think their heart is in the right place, they went about this spectacularly wrong. This would be akin to 10 days before Christmas announcing that instead of buying gifts for everyone they where going to do a Secret Santa or some such. I announce before Thanksgiving that we are doing a handmade Christmas this year.

3. While I don't think it would be wrong to donate to another charity, if you know their preferred charity it's probably nicest to donate to that. Though I like your idea of donating to the NICU that saved your twins lives. They are basically telling you they want you to donate to one of their charities, that would probably be the best gift for them.

4. I like the idea. But I would hate to be put in the situation you've been put. I think your in laws did this completely wrong, and turned something that could have been a very nice thing in a selfish act.

[lady narcissa]

I would have said at this late point you've already purchased their gifts but you will give to a charity on their behalf next year. 10 days before Christmas is ridiculous. I guess they are last minute gift purchasers but not everyone operates that way.

Personally I'd hate to have someone donate to a charity in my name. I really am selective about which charities I give to and I'd hate to have someone add my name to another list. Now you can look forward to getting solicitations from their charities for years to come.

[Mlle. Zabzie]

Lady N I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess what they are giving me is a stream of junk mail!