Dating 22: Because everyone likes romantic hugs

[Littlefingers In The Air]

Continue.

[smegma]

Lummel and I discussed one thing that really turned me off about it, though. It's sort of like placing an order on there. I told the search engine what I was looking for, almost like ordering a pizza. I'm not naive enough to think that Mr. Wonderful is out there waiting for me, but there's a reason why I watch "It Happened One Night" every time it's on TCM. I like the mystery and spontaneity of the idea of just running into someone. And frankly, it seems off putting to be asking me for someone to have access to very personal answers to questions before they even have met me. I didn't answer a bunch of those. I feel like I'm a hundred years old, but that sort of offended my sense of decorum....sorry. I know I sound like an old fogey.

I don't think you sound like an old fogey at all, because I personally can't abide the way internet dating forces me to make choices about myself and others in order to find a "match". Other than a few very basic things - male, funny, open-minded, intelligent, and not a disaster of a physical specimen, I think there's a lot of nuances to other people that I'd choose to discover rather than deciding beforehand what makes up my perfect mate.

What it really comes down to though is that I just can't stomach *the hunt* for a relationship. If it happens, it'll happen because I met him through friends, or at a party, or on a train, or at a play, or like my current boyfriend - extracurricular activities like softball. Not because we were looking for someone specific, but because we were both receptive to a good thing when it came to us.

That's not to say that I'm in the right - I know lots of great matches that have come from internet dating. But I happen to be the kind of person with a large enough social circle, outside interests, and outgoing personality that I've never had a shortage of options or felt any stress when I was single to change that, and frankly I kind of like guys that are in the same boat.

Basically - you aren't wrong to feel that way, but you are so newly separated (I actually didn't even know - sorry to hear, unless it's a good thing - but it's probably a mixture of a good/sad thing, like most divorces) that you have lots of time to figure out what is right for you.

[Liffguard]

Since we're on the topic of online dating I thought I'd ramble a bit about why I decided to drop it (for the second time). First, I'm not really willing to pay for it so that leaves me with the free sites, of which the only two I've found with any significant userbase are OKCupid and Plenty of Fish. OKC was alright but whilst the overall userbase was fairly large, it seemed very limited in my area. Not many new people seemed to join and there weren't a huge number of people there in the first place within my parameters. It just got really boring and not a little frustrating to just keep browsing through the same list of faces that had already been eliminated from the running. I sent some messages out, got a few back, got one or two unsolicited, nothing ever came of any of it.

POF at least had a very large userbase with lots of new people joining fairly regularly. Unfortunately the actualy quality of 99% of the profiles was terrible. I lost count of the number of profiles that were literally nothing but "don't really know what to say here, message me and find out," which just complete negates the point of online dating in the first place. Of the remainder, like 90% were some variation on the theme of "I'm a down-to-earth, fun-loving girl who loves to laugh, going out and hanging out with my friends etc." which again I just could not be bothered with. I ended up finding a couple of profiles here and there that seemed interesting and sent some messages out but never heard anything back.

I found the whole process to be just incredibly mentally draining and had to stop.

[lessthanluke]

I have given up on dating for the time being with the realisation that I don't have enough time for it. It's either dating or the gym and the gym is always going to win.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

I have time for dating, but any woman I'm interested in is going to have to accept that I can only really hang out with her 2 or 3 times a week.

[lessthanluke]

I have time for dating, but any woman I'm interested in is going to have to accept that I can only really hang out with her 2 or 3 times a week.

I can hang out once, maybe, for a bit on a Saturday. Hah. I don't know how Chats does it.

[smegma]

I really like the A-list on OKC. Paying $50 for 6 months and being able to browse profiles "invisibly"? Yup, sign me up.

The thing that gets me both giddy and frustrated on OKC is 10+ messages a day. I had to stop, because I could have gone out on a date every single day, if I wanted to. (Being female and into men is a much different experience on OKC than the male experience...please know that, men). I'm way too busy for that.

But it got me some good-looking men whom I would ordinarily not have met, in any other situation. Unlike smegma, I don't have a lot of activities. I can't. I work way too much. Way, way, too much. I also don't have a lot of female friends - at my age, most of them are married with young kids, and we simply don't have much in common. I have all of two female friends, ok, three - and we see each other maybe once a month...again, I work too much. I'm certainly not going to meet anyone at work, because it is my firm opinion that executives should NOT date within the company; though employees may certainly do so (IMO).

So, that leaves me with online, the gym, or the bar. Online is easiest, as it can be done at anytime.

I also think you have a more specific idea of what you'd like, physically, than I would - which makes perfect sense in the world of the internet to reject any that aren't at least within throwing distance of those parameters.

I wouldn't date anyone without a substantial social circle - tried that once and I couldn't stand how few friends he had - so that's another possible drawback for internet dating (although not all OKCupid folks are in that boat, but more than I'd like).

I HAVE to have a substantial activity level or I'd be a hermit, since I work from home. Plus I live in Chicago - a huge city, with lots of options, and it's my hometown so I have not only friends that I make along the way, but those that I grew up with to keep the variety.

I actually inadvertently met my boyfriend through Craigslist - my friend and I wanted to join a softball team so I looked up activities on CL and joined a team. I had a boyfriend at the time and she was married, so it had nothing to do with finding guys - just looking to meet people that had the same interests as us and wanting to play. So I guess that's a level of internet-meeting that I'd be comfortable with - nothing for dating, but expanding my social options. My boyfriend was on that team and when I broke up with that guy (who happened to be the guy without a lot of friends) he and I connected on a bunch of things outside of softball - and here we are, three years later.

One of my best friends (who also happens to be an ex-boyfriend) just moved to LA and he's one of the most outgoing guys I know - he meets lots of people and makes a ton of friends, and is a comedian so he gets girls rather easily. He's been dating out there with a combination of girls he meets through friends and his comedy work and Tinder - it seems to be a nice balance of developing a social circle organically and building out a new one through unrelated internet connections. He's gotten a lot of hook ups, at the very least, which is kind of where he should be right now, so it's working.

[Elder Sister]

Well, I disabled the OKC account. 2 days and I was sort of overwhelmed by the messages and the date request - I'm not ready, and as much as I can understand why people like using it, I'm just not wanting to go that route. Smegma's description of the issues with it is pretty much how I feel about it as well. I may revisit it at some point, but right now, I don't even want to go on a date.

And I certainly don't feel like dealing with freaky messages. I felt too much like a cupcake in a bakery window.

[Larry of the Lawn]

A couple of my friends have used meetup.com when they've relocated to new cities to find friends with similar interests. It's cool because it's not a date, it's just a bunch of people going out for sushi or for a bike ride, but I imagine it would be a pretty good way to meet new people in a low-pressure, zero expectations kind of way.

[TerraPrime]

Re: Arkhangle

Whatever works for you.

To me, stating that "I want to get to sex in 3 dates" is no worse than saying "I'm looking for LTR and possibly marriage." Both are goals, and both are legitimate needs. As long as it's stated up front, what's the harm? For people who do want to get to sex in 3 dates, it's better for them to be upfront instead of lying about it to go to dates, then be frustrated when it doesn't happen, and turn passive aggressive or move on to the next target. Similarly, if someone is looking for LTR and romance, be upfront so that those wanting just fucks can wisely ignore them.

Dating will be a hell of a lot easier, imo, if people can be honest with themselves about what they need and then also be honest with others about those needs. Fuck the social niceties that impede expressing our wants and needs directly and politely. Those restraints generate more misery and drama than honest communications.

Re: Elder Sis

In general, I advice against lying on the profile aimed to finding romance and dates. If the other party is only contacting you on account of that one thing you lied about, what is s/he going to do when you reveal that it was a lie? Whether it is age, height, size of the cock, having children, etc., if the objective is to find a date, then be up front, imo. Those who matter won't care and those who care won't matter.

On the other hand, if you're setting up a profile for fuck dates, then you can lie about some things and people will just shrug it off. If you have the body to convince people that you're 35 and not 45, then by all means, go for it. It's not like you're planning on having a meaningful romance with a two-fuck-chuck anyway.

[Arkhangel]

Re: Arkhangle

[...]

Dating will be a hell of a lot easier, imo, if people can be honest with themselves about what they need and then also be honest with others about those needs. Fuck the social niceties that impede expressing our wants and needs directly and politely. Those restraints generate more misery and drama than honest communications.

I agree with you on that. I also think, however, that it's very clear that in reality that's just not how it works for the large majority of people (this thread has more than enough evidence of that).

[Er Rn]

Elder Sister,

I pretty much had the same reaction as you after my divorce when I decided to try online dating. I set up an OKC account, got some messages, freaked out, and disabled it for a few months. I was more worried about being recognized by someone I know in real life than by meeting or going on actual dates, though.* I live in a tiny area, so the odds were pretty good that it'd happen. Plus this area is very backward, and online dating still has a stigma attached to it.

Finally I just decided I didn't care, and to actually give it a shot. I re-activated my account and made an effort to respond to messages that went beyond a "Hey" and I sought out interesting profiles. The only man I messaged first, and later agreed to meet, turned out to be awesome and we've been together for around 6 months.

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in with my experience. Online dating can seem daunting and it isn't for everyone, but I'm glad I gave it a serious chance.

ETA- because it sounds like I'm ashamed of online dating. I'm not at all. I have a very public job, and this being a tiny area I'm sort of recognizable. I would never want my employer or my patients to stumble across my profile because I am adamant about keeping my private life private.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

So a girl that a good friend has been trying to sleep with wants to sleep with me. Tonight. God dammit, life.

[TerraPrime]

Re: Arkhangel

I agree with you on that. I also think, however, that it's very clear that in reality that's just not how it works for the large majority of people (this thread has more than enough evidence of that).

I agree.

But I also think that we need to be the change we want to see. *shrugs* If everyone continues to behave in the old way, then how will things change for the better?

In the case like what Mandy experienced, I think it's worthwhile to point out that his douche-ness is from his utter failure in (1) presenting his wants in an approachable way and (2) taking a rejection like an adult. I just hate seeing the justifiable annoyance at those two points of failure bleeding over to his stated desire to have sex by third date.

Re: LiTA

So a girl that a good friend has been trying to sleep with wants to sleep with me. Tonight. God dammit, life.

Oh man. That's a rough spot, albeit, also a first-world problem. :p

If you're a really good friend with the other guy then you might want to give him a private message up and say, "hey, I can turn her down and give you more time to make a few more attempts at wooing her." If you're up for it you might also tell the woman that you're going to say something to your friend. Who knows, this might turn into a great 3-some! :-D

[Littlefingers In The Air]

Re: LiTA

Oh man. That's a rough spot, albeit, also a first-world problem. :p

If you're a really good friend with the other guy then you might want to give him a private message up and say, "hey, I can turn her down and give you more time to make a few more attempts at wooing her." If you're up for it you might also tell the woman that you're going to say something to your friend. Who knows, this might turn into a great 3-some! :-D

Is there ever going to be a time where you don't give great advice?

[Elder Sister]

Is there ever going to be a time where you don't give great advice?

I was thinking the same thing. :)

[deleted01]

It comes as no surprise that you got loads of messages, ES. You are one hot lady. I have definite hair envy whenever I see your photos.

I'm not against online dating, but I'm not sure it's for me. I too like to know a person before starting any kind of relationship - online dating just seems so daunting. I've had a few comments about my relationship, like how can I be with my partner when we went to school together and saw each other grow up, where's the mystery, etc. But I actually love that aspect of our relationship. There's always something I don't know about him, something new to learn, and vice versa, and we always have something to talk about.

So yeah. I'd suggest finding a website for making new friends, if that's what you're after. Maybe a Facebook group for people in your area, or who enjoy something you do. I'd much prefer something like that myself. :)

[karaddin]

Arkhangel - I don't see many people bucking the social norms though, even in this thread most people follow the norms of the dating game to some extent or another. None of my relationships would have happened had I not stepped outside that.

On the information people are willing to reveal, I feel like you can try keep things private and then if they get out they have power over you, or you can just be open and then it loses its power. I have this attitude about everything, but you see it most regularly in my talking about trans stuff and my YouTube videos. Sure I might not want my family to watch some of that stuff because it will make them uncomfortable, but I just warn them of that and if they watch anyway it's their choice. If my future boss cares to look up my sexual habits he's probably not a boss I want to have.

Terra - After getting my dilators with the size marked on the side in cm and inches I'm convinced there's not a man alive who isn't lying about their dick size. 7" is fucking huge (and coincidentally the depth I have to get to).

[Starkess]

This is a weird thing to be upset about, but my boyfriend decided that we can't eat dinner together anymore. He likes to eat early--like insanely early. About 4:30 PM. I like to eat at 7 PM or so. I've tried to make that 6 for his sake, since I am the one who cooks, but it's hard to get home from work, do my workout, and cook dinner by 6. But the boy gets an upset stomach if he eats closer than about 5-6 hours before bedtime. Anyway, he's probably right that it just makes sense to eat separate meals, but gd it just makes me feel like roommates instead of a couple.

[karaddin]

That's not remotely weird to be upset about, that would really get to me so don't tell yourself off for it. It might be something you have to accept but that doesn't mean you are in any way wrong to be bothered by it.

To me eating together is such a huge "we are together" thing, in his position id be seeing doctors or something to figure out why eating later is causing discomfort rather than just eating separately. Some of that stuff can be a warning sign off serious issues anyway so I'd say she sounds get it checked out regardless.