Alia of the knife Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 To: Lord Walder FreyFrom: Maesters & JohnsonRe: Viagra Side AffectsDear Lord Frey,In regards to the side affects of our product, "snotty," red, bulbous noses, are not one of them, (geez we're not making hot sauce here).Here are the most common side affects affiliated with Viagra:Severe allergic reactions, (rash, hives, itching, difficulty breathing, tightness in the chest, swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue). Chest pain, fainting, fast or irregular heartbeat, memory loss, numbness of an arm, or leg, one-sided weakness, ringing in the ears, seizure or persistent vision changes, sudden decrease or loss of hearing, and congestion, sleep walking nude, and an erection lasting four hours or more.(On the matter of the four-hour erection, we urge you to seek a Maesters attention NOT beget another bastard for gods sake!!!!)If you have any other concerns regarding our product, please direct all inquiries to:Maesters & Johnson Alchemy Inc.90210 Kings Landing LaneWesteros, Westeros. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mother of Dragons Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 To: [email protected]From: [email protected]Fwd:Business PropositionSorcerer: I've been asked to seek you out by Lord Varys in order to provide him with your manhood for your comeuppance for the wrongs you dealt to him. He doesn't know yet that you are under my employ, and provide said dicks for said catalog. As my employee, I can provide you protection for now, but eventually the Spider will figure out our ruse and will come after us BOTH. I think it best we begin looking now for a replacement. You will, of course receive a severance package, which we can discuss.Please remember to encrypt any correspondence, as I've already had one message intercepted.Harry BallManagerDicks By Raven, INC.To: Ser Harry Ball, ManagerFrom: Lord Varys, Master of Whispers, CEO of Spiders, INC. Dear Ser Ball, One of my spiders intercepted this message during transit, and I have a business proposition for you. I looked through your catalog in an attempt to find my manhood, root and stem, to no avail. However, it gave me a better idea in its stead. I am searching for the root and stem of a mysterious sorcerer, last known whereabouts in the Free Cities. Not much is known about him or the reasons for his actions, except that he collects cocks, throws them in a blue flame, and scary voices ensue. If you are able to retrieve his cock and balls to me, please get back to me so we can negotiate a fair sum. Yours, Lord Varys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ser Cold Fingers Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 These are great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mother of Dragons Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Hey, I went for the easy. Gotta start somewhere! Oh I meant the dicks are actual candy! These letters aren't that easy to think of. Comedy writing is difficult!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mother of Dragons Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 To: Joso WhatshisnameFrom: Danaerys of the House Targaryen, First of her Name, etc., etc.,.etc., more titles, etc. Joso: Thank you for storming my castle the other day. I demand that you meet me again tonight in my private quarters. Make sure your cock is ready. Your Queen (I had a correspondence written out but chrome crashed on me :( So I'll probably post them separately so it doesn't happen again) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alia of the knife Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 To: Joso Whatshisname From: Danaerys of the House Targaryen, First of her Name, etc., etc.,.etc., more titles, etc. Joso: Thank you for storming my castle the other day. I demand that you meet me again tonight in my private quarters. Make sure your cock is ready. Your Queen (I had a correspondence written out but chrome crashed on me :( So I'll probably post them separately so it doesn't happen again) I hate chrome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eira Seren Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Dear Jon, Unfortunately I am unable to fill your Interlibrary Loan request for Lies of the Ancients. As you may be aware, the library here at Winterfell has sustained serious damage and this volume is in too poor a condition to send. Really, most of the books are now utterly soggy and the state of the whole castle just a complete disgrace. Yesterday caught that snotty rat Theon ripping out pages of Winter's Kings for bog roll. Old Gods, do you mind just signing Stannis's bloody contract! Regards, Myrtle Norrey, Sole Surviving Librarian Lyanna's TombWinterfell Crypt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mother of Dragons Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Dear Jon, Unfortunately I am unable to fill your Interlibrary Loan request for Lies of the Ancients. As you may be aware, the library here at Winterfell has sustained serious damage and this volume is in too poor a condition to send. Really, most of the books are now utterly soggy and the state of the whole castle just a complete disgrace. Yesterday caught that snotty rat Theon ripping out pages of Winter's Kings for bog roll. Old Gods, do you mind just signing Stannis's bloody contract! Regards, Myrtle Norrey, Sole Surviving Librarian Lyanna's TombWinterfell CryptMyrtle Norrey sounds very depressed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire of House Thorpe Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Dear Uncle Jamie, I can't believe you tried to kidnap me! What is wrong with you? Are you that daft that you would try to interrupt young love? I am so done with you and your crap! I love Trystane Martell and I'm going to marry him whether you like it or not, and you can tell mom that when next time you see her. Now please kindly get out while you still have your other remaining hand or I will call my friends the Sand Snakes and tell them to take the rest of your right arm off. Sincerely, Myrcella Baratheon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neumond Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 These letters are hilarious. :rofl: I´ll try one, too: To: Roose BoltonFrom: Stannis Baratheon Dear Mr. Bolton,despite our currently tense relations, I see it as my duty to inform you of some unsettling discoveries my spy mistress made in the course of her investigations.She has gathered knowledge of an extensive spy-network that has infiltrated the north.Our sources confirm the existence of this network on both sides of the wall. It seems every noble house and even random places in the woods are bugged.We recommend to not take any actions of political significance in front of suspicious trees.How the informations are transmitted from the trees towards the spy-central is not yet known.The location of the spy-central or who is responsible for it is also unknown.My spy mistress has made it her priority to uncover these details. We are in the process of interviewing possible informants. I´ll provide you some insights into our preliminary interview results:My spy-mistress thinks, the receiver could be in line with the Great Other.It seems people south of the wall are generally oblivious to the problem. This network also controls a plethora of drones.It is therefore recommended to make sure you or your son are indeed alone, before you attempt a revealing villain speech. You should establish a burning-routine to follow in case of doubtful reliability of something or someone. I´ll inform you of further findings. Sincerely yours Stannis Baratheon the one and true King of Westeros Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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