Dating 24 - How many eggs are in YOUR basket?

[Theda Baratheon]

You're not living on borrowed time mate, please don't think of it that way. Sending you big hugs and positive thoughts. you're a great guy and it really sucks to hear this has happened to you but I also genuinely believe you'll find someone who sees how ace you are and doesn't just see you as ''the cancer guy''. That's not you. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Lily Valley]

Chats, I'm sorry to hear that. There's more than one side to a story though. My best friend from childhood has MS and she is divorcing her husband. Her illness exacerbated his depression and it's just a bad situation for both of them. They've been married 22 years and it's just done. Nobody is mad.

LITA, I'm sorry I was so short on my last post. I think early disclosure is the right thing, but I am guilty of being "blunt" with my dates. I have a busy and stressful life and while my stresses are family related instead of health related (and have been for the past couple of years) I want to warn people so they can leave NOW rather than LATER.

I certainly don't think you'd be disingenuous if you waited a little while to disclose your health situation.

Please reach out to the people who have offered you comfort. You know you can always call me too. I love you, man. You can beat this. You are a young, optimistic, wonderful and compassionate man. Fingers crossed that this lady is a class act that deserves you. I have you in my heart and my prayers and I REALLY want you to come back down and visit again. Bring that chatty, irresponsible luggage-losing-awesome buddy of yours too. :grouphug: Altercation sends her love. We're all pulling for you.

In my news, I finally broke a very long dry spell with a 3am text from my favorite fwb. He swore me to secrecy as he is a-courting right now.

My answer was, "For God's sake man! Nobody around here cares enough about this old broad's sex life to talk about it. Sheesh!"

In all seriousness, I did appreciate the heads up. This is a small neighborhood and I would hate for a lovely friendship to wind up creating some drama down the line. In addition, I think it's my continued discretion that keeps him calling me at a million o'clock in the morning. He is a whole lot of fun and just a wonderful person. He also lives three blocks away. So very convenient. If I'm awake I always answer.

[lessthanluke]

I vote the latter. If that doesn't work then you can drop him.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

You should teach him.

[Larry of the Lawn]

In my news, I finally broke a very long dry spell with a 3am text from my favorite fwb. He swore me to secrecy as he is a-courting right now.

My answer was, "For God's sake man! Nobody around here cares enough about this old broad's sex life to talk about it. Sheesh!"

In all seriousness, I did appreciate the heads up. This is a small neighborhood and I would hate for a lovely friendship to wind up creating some drama down the line. In addition, I think it's my continued discretion that keeps him calling me at a million o'clock in the morning. He is a whole lot of fun and just a wonderful person. He also lives three blocks away. So very convenient. If I'm awake I always answer.

:thumbsup:

Question about FWB for anyone: How do you make it work long term? I've had several FWB situations that have lasted for a few months at best, before things got awkward. One went well for about a year, but then when I reconnected this spring it got bad in a hurry. I feel like I've always been very clear about expectations. In a couple of the situations we even remained friends while the other one of us was exclusive with someone else, but eventually both of us have been single again, and when the benefits start up, it goes funky. In one of these situations I was the one that wanted more of a relationship (the first time, and I decided not to go that route again). The rest of the time it's been on the friend.

So any advice for getting the FWB to stay healthy, friendly, and... beneficial, for everyone?

Eta: right now I'm chalking it up to immaturity on the part of all parties involved, and hoping that as I get older this will sort itself out. I have a couple of friends right now that I think would be up for it. One I definitely don't want to screw up the friendship, so I'm not going there; but the other one, well it wouldn't be as big of an issue for either one of us if things went south.

[Sullen]

Alright, so I'm just wondering this real quick...

A friend of mine is trying to match me with one of his friends, she's pretty and nice and all, but for the love of me I can't find her interesting, as we have different interests, and I find her a bit vapid to be fair.

Thing is, it's going pretty well with her, I feel like my lack of interest stops me from stressing out, which keeps me from committing mistakes like I'm used to, whenever we go out, it seems like we both have a good time. I really miss being in a relationship, and so does she, but I feel it would be rather disingenuous to commit to a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship with someone with whom you share little, and that quite frankly bores me a little. It confuses me, and I really don't know what I should do, or if pursuing such a relationship is even right, especially when I compare it to my previous relationships, and to my friends's...

But yeah, what do you guys think?

[Larry of the Lawn]

Alright, so I'm just wondering this real quick...

A friend of mine is trying to match me with one of his friends, she's pretty and nice and all, but for the love of me I can't find her interesting, as we have different interests, and I find her a bit vapid to be fair.

Thing is, it's going pretty well with her, I feel like my lack of interest stops me from stressing out, which keeps me from committing mistakes like I'm used to, whenever we go out, it seems like we both have a good time. I really miss being in a relationship, and so does she, but I feel it would be rather disingenuous to commit to a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship with someone with whom you share little, and that quite frankly bores me a little. It confuses me, and I really don't know what I should do, or if pursuing such a relationship is even right, especially when I compare it to my previous relationships, and to my friends's...

But yeah, what do you guys think?

It sounds like you don't actually like this person, but just like the idea of being in a relationship. Probably not a good idea to take it any further. I mean, you said it yourself in the bolded part, answered your own question. And i concur with that sentiment.

[Sullen]

It sounds like you don't actually like this person, but just like the idea of being in a relationship. Probably not a good idea to take it any further. I mean, you said it yourself in the bolded part, answered your own question. And i concur with that sentiment.

I do like her though, I simply don't exactly have romantic feelings for her...

But I don't know, that might be something that develops when I get to know her more, but so far, it really feels like it would be a relationship of convenience for both parties involved... And I feel like that would be quite terrible.

EDIT: I'm seriously considering telling my friend that it isn't a good idea, but still see the girl for night's out and shit. Movies, board games, a drink from time to time, that kind of shit.

[Arkhangel]

Sounds pretty simple, really. You've made a friend, congrats. Make sure she's on the same page and you're good to go.

[Bronn Stone]

Wise choice, Chats. But do not be shy with the ejector seat button if said fella is a poor or unenthusiastic pupil.

[Quorra]

I don't understand why you can't be JUST FRIENDS with her, Sullen. Just make it clear. It will be awkward for a minute, and then it won't be. Unless, she likes you more in which case maybe you can't be friends.

Sure, it's possible that you could grow to like her more, but if that's going to happen, then it's just as likely to happen when you're just friends (probably more so because there's no pressure to be more than that) so why push it?

[Quorra]

I called up my old friend, the divorced baby daddy who lives 4 hours away and I said, super-casual, that he should come hang out sometime. He seemed super surprised and really excited about the idea. Almost too excited. Apparently he was going to come here soon anyway because an old friend of his is getting out of the nearby prison and they wanted to spend some time together and like, he thinks we could all hang out. (!)(?) Oh, Birdman, what have you gotten yourself into?

[Arkhangel]

I'm not sure "come and hang out with me and my buddy who just got out of prison" is a great sign as far as whether he wants a romantic relationship, TBH.

[TerraPrime]

Catching up....

Re: Chats

In my experience, some people can be taught and some can't. It's just like any other hobby, really. Say, you really like... biking. You want to go on different bike excursions every week. Your new beau is not into biking. You can teach him and show him how enjoyable it is, but he may remain just not that interested in it. Like, he'll come if you plan everything and do it, but he never initiates and it's clear that he's only doing it to make you happy. It's sweet in a way, but not the same as with another bike enthusiast who will spend time planning the route with you and talk about new models of bikes coming out and watching Tour de France together.

And just like any other hobby, one area of incompatibility isn't always a deal breaker, although it can be. Just really comes down to the two people involved.

Best of luck.

Re: LFiTA

I also had no idea about your recovery. Much love and good thoughts.

Re: larry

I keep my fwb's at a distance socially. That is, I don't go out to movies with them or invite them to parties. When we meet face to face, it's to fuck. We chat online periodically with polite conversations about work and life. But I deliberately keep a sharp separation to avoid the confusion and the mixing of signals. That has worked out for me, but I am not sure if it is the right path for everyone. Obviously, stating the respective intentions up front is critical, but also, doing things to avoid the blurring of lines is also very important because sometimes, having the best of intentions simply isn't enough. The other partner in question will have to be okay with this arrangement, too, and not get the feeling that they're being devalued as just sex objects, etc.

Re: Quorra

I question the judgment level of a man who suggests a get-together with his just-out-of-prison friend with what could potentially be the prelude to a romantic relationship. Either he's just utterly daft in social situations in general, or the idea of possible romance is completely off his radar and he's not even considering this possibility. If it's the second case, then it remains to be seen if he's just caught by surprise and not reacting well, or if it really is something he doesn't want.

I suppose a third possibility exists, too, which is that he deliberately proposed this to forestall any ideas of romance without having to reject your casual offer to come visit, i.e., he's trying to bro-zone you.

But, seriously. Who does that? Have you made known to him that you have a passion for getting to know ex-convicts? That you really love Orange is the new black and wish there's a male version of it? Like WTF?

[Melphis Amekia]

I do like her though, I simply don't exactly have romantic feelings for her...

But I don't know, that might be something that develops when I get to know her more, but so far, it really feels like it would be a relationship of convenience for both parties involved... And I feel like that would be quite terrible.

EDIT: I'm seriously considering telling my friend that it isn't a good idea, but still see the girl for night's out and shit. Movies, board games, a drink from time to time, that kind of shit.

Basically, this is what happened between me and Parkour Girl, except opposite in the way it was she who told me she wanted to be friends with me and nothing, or well, floundered around the issue since she was afraid I would fuck-her-off-friendzone-style, but I was OK with it and she is awesome as a friend. I think you should just tell her you feel for her as a friend and nothing more, it will be awkward at first but go past that and you might get a really good friend.

[Lily Valley]

Larry, I've had a whole bunch of arm's length style fwb. They're not nearly as distant as Terra describes. We might eat dinner once in a while and we're always very friendly when we run into one another, but don't necessarily hang out.

This one falls into that category. He literally will text around 3 am when he gets off work. I take a quick shower and go over there. Every once in a while we'll run into one another and I'll get a "My place in 20?" type of a message. He has dated several women since the first couple of times we hooked up. I know he prefers to be discreet. He dates within our neighborhood and doesn't like people talking about him. The most we do outside of that is watch Star Trek together before round II. I rarely sleep over and I never EVER leave anything at his house. This has been going on in between his girlfriends for 4 years.

Normally I am much friendlier with my lovers. They are people I am already friends with and we're just adding a new pastime. This has only gone weird for me once or twice. Usually the only reason the sex stops is out of courtesy to another partner. I think this works so often for me because I really, genuinely don't think of sex as a big deal. It's really, really fun. It's a really nice thing to share with other people, but that's all.

[deleted01]

I'm having a fairly shit time all round at the moment, but after an argument with my SO, I'm left wondering whether we're good for each other long-term. I'm super emotional right now, so I just need to sound it all out and work out where to go from here.

Long story short, due to many reasons, my need to get my own place is severe. I've been feeling it keenly lately, and I sent a message to my SO basically saying, I don't think I can wait much longer, once my job goes permanent and is more secure, I want to go ahead and look for a place. There was the assumption that he would come with me, even if he hadn't managed to find a brilliant job by then, but really I was making a decision for myself, with the option for him to come along if he wanted to.

He has a habit of making things about himself. He also has a habit of hassling me when we argue - I usually want to calm down, he wants to talk about it straight away. He did that again tonight, and expected me to apologise for "changing our plans" and "springing this on him".

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he's acting like a complete tosspot? Is it unfair for me to put my individual needs above the relationship? I don't usually, but my family & living situation is a special case, as some of you know in more depth. He's upset I didn't discuss it with him, but went ahead and made a decision by myself (which, as I pointed out, I am quite capable of doing, but that's not actually what I did. It would still be a few months and take some planning before anything happened). And so I'm upset that, despite me already being upset, his immediate reaction is to go on about himself, have a go at and insult me (apparently I'm cold and never apologise when I'm wrong), and expect me to be apologising for everything.

He's not usually nasty, generally he's nice and supportive, but sometimes he can be a real bastard. Sorry for the rant. I still don't know what to do next.

[lessthanluke]

I'm having a fairly shit time all round at the moment, but after an argument with my SO, I'm left wondering whether we're good for each other long-term. I'm super emotional right now, so I just need to sound it all out and work out where to go from here.

Long story short, due to many reasons, my need to get my own place is severe. I've been feeling it keenly lately, and I sent a message to my SO basically saying, I don't think I can wait much longer, once my job goes permanent and is more secure, I want to go ahead and look for a place. There was the assumption that he would come with me, even if he hadn't managed to find a brilliant job by then, but really I was making a decision for myself, with the option for him to come along if he wanted to.

He has a habit of making things about himself. He also has a habit of hassling me when we argue - I usually want to calm down, he wants to talk about it straight away. He did that again tonight, and expected me to apologise for "changing our plans" and "springing this on him".

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he's acting like a complete tosspot? Is it unfair for me to put my individual needs above the relationship? I don't usually, but my family & living situation is a special case, as some of you know in more depth. He's upset I didn't discuss it with him, but went ahead and made a decision by myself (which, as I pointed out, I am quite capable of doing, but that's not actually what I did. It would still be a few months and take some planning before anything happened). And so I'm upset that, despite me already being upset, his immediate reaction is to go on about himself, have a go at and insult me (apparently I'm cold and never apologise when I'm wrong), and expect me to be apologising for everything.

He's not usually nasty, generally he's nice and supportive, but sometimes he can be a real bastard. Sorry for the rant. I still don't know what to do next.

Just going off the details in this post I don't think you did anything wrong and yeah he comes across as a jackass(in this situation) I don't really have any advice but I'm in a similar place right now so I feel your pain and just sending hugs basically!

[deleted01]

Just going off the details in this post I don't think you did anything wrong and yeah he comes across as a jackass(in this situation) I don't really have any advice but I'm in a similar place right now so I feel your pain and just sending hugs basically!

Sorry to hear it, it sucks to be at odds with the one person you expect to support you in (almost) everything. Hope your situation gets sorted out soon.

ETA: I tried to explain the above to him, but he wasn't getting it. That's why I like time to cool off before discussing things - he doesn't listen, he gets angry and upset, and says nasty things. I have no doubt that he'll sleep on it, realise he was a twat and apologise, but the way I'm feeling at the moment, I don't want to hear it.

[TerraPrime]

Drac:

On one hand, big life decisions should be made in consultation with one's SO. So it's right to be upset when one'S SO goes and makes that decision without informing or working with you.

On the other hand, he should have known the stress you're under from your living arrangement, and he should be supportive of your need to get to a healthier place.

In the should-have-done world, I would say that you should have brought this urgent need up in a discussion with him, making clear that it is VERY URGENT that you move out on your own ASAP. At that point, he will feel consulted and informed, and seeing your distress, will gladly agree and help you get to that point. Sometimes, I've found, it's important to let the other person come to the same conclusion as opposed to telling them what to do. Communication works better when they feel that they have a stake in the outcome. If you lay out the situation and your stress level and just ask "what can we do?" I am guessing that you will get to the same outcome anyway, whcih is for you to move out asap.

Meanwhile, in reality land, this has happened. As an outsider, I would not frame it as finding out if he's a tosspot or not. I think he clearly focused on the wrong issue at the time. In other words, he is right to feel miffed at the way you have unilaterally decided on a big issue, but he should have enough perspective to know that this is not the time to berate you over it. Something to bring up afterwards, but not right now. At the same time, may I suggest that you validate his feeling of being left out on this decision and not use "it's my life I can make my own decisions without you" as an explanation. Of course you can make your own decisions without him, but that's not why you pick an SO, right? And after you validated his feeling of being left out, you should explain then how his reaction to it was not constructive enough, and he should recognize that he didn't handle it in a way that's helpful to you. Not that his complaint is without merit, but how he expressed it and the timing of it were both wrong.

At any rate, I am sorry that life is throwing stressors at you. Couples tend to fight when there are external stressors. It is difficult to navigate, without a doubt. You're probably feeling besieged and not finding the type of comfort and support you expect to from your SO. I hope both sets of situations start to resolve well for you.

ETA

My husband and I are like you and your SO in style of communication - I like to think, reflect, then talk and he likes to resolve things NOW.

Our compromise is this: When I feel overwhelmend and need time to process, I tell him so, but I also give him a time limit so he knows it is going to get resolved. So I will say "I can't talk about this right now because I am overwhelmed. I need time to cool down and think. Let's talk in 2 hours/after dinner/tomorrow morning." If you do this, be prepared to really follow through your promise of engaging him in the talk and not keep putting it off.