Facing the prospect that I won't have my own children

[Quorra]

This prospect is like a little flicker of a shadow on the periphery of my consciousness, just that whisper you hear when you are falling asleep at night. But it is growing larger and more prominent.

I'm starting to get depressed about it. I don't know if this is going to become such large and painful constant presence in my life forever, something I'll have to accept and deal with and just become a sad, regretful person.

Or will I grow bitter towards others and their families?

Or do I have to firmly establish some sort of stoic sense of acceptance / denial of my sadness and push it down and smother it with consolations for myself?

I'm 28 and not in a relationship. At this point, it doesn't seem likely because I'd have to meet someone, get to know him, fall in love, trust that he's going to be a good father and husband.....and then hope I get pregnant.

I was just visiting a doctor who was pretty cold and clinical about the possibility and told me that if it was something I wanted, I had to decide now and start NOW now now or else the chances would be pathetically small. I almost feel as if there would be a greater consolation in him telling me I had NO chance, ever, that I was born broken and barren. At least I could get angry at the cosmic injustice instead of feeling like a failure.

I feel very sad about it. What did I do wrong? How has this passed me by? Is there some greater reason behind it?

Now I'm just a pathetic cliche of a woman who wants a baby, right? Barf.

Women have lied to ourselves and shamed ourselves into thinking we didn't want to plan on children when we were young. But the only people we hurt were ourselves.

As a kid I always just assumed I'd have a family, and I always planned on what I would do differently from my own parents and it would be a source of pride for me.

How have you dealt with this, if you have?

[Isabel]

You are only 28:) i am 31 and also dont have kids, but its still possible to get kids:)

See below link.

So dont give up yet and think of different plans and possibilities!

http://www.babycenter.com/0_age-and-fertility-getting-pregnant-in-your-30s_1494695.bc

[Quorra]

And, you know what? The others take that shame/cliche nonsense! Why should I have to feel embarrassed and pathetic just because I want kids? Because it puts off guys and makes me seem needy? Why should I have to carefully craft this feigned strong independent sexy mystery nonsense when people only do that because they're trying some reverse psychology to actually seem more attractive to men.

[NestorMakhnosLovechild]

Sounds like both you and the Doctor are being more than a little bit harsh. 28 is still pretty young, and you have six or seven years before you hit that magical "age 35" where the risks of pregnancy increase (but not to the point that the average person should be dissuaded from having a child).

I think you need to really think about how much having a child means to you. If this is really one of your life goals, and something that you can afford on your own, then you should at least seriously consider the possibility of having your own child (or adopting one) WITHOUT a partner. This is not something you have to decide immediately. You might start "seriously considering" it now and give yourself until you're 30 to make a decision. If, at that time, you decide it's what you want to do... go for it.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

I don't know exactly who you feel but I can say the possibility of not becoming a father frightens me. I'm never going to do great things or be remembered for anything so the best I could hope for is leaving behind children who might. I see they way my mother talks about her parents and I want children to talk about me like that when I'm gone.

[Quorra]

I don't know exactly who you feel but I can say the possibility of not becoming a father frightens me. I'm never going to do great things or be remembered for anything so the best I could hope for is leaving behind children who might. I see they way my mother talks about her parents and I want children to talk about me like that when I'm gone.

But you're a man, you have decades of baby juice backed up in the barracks.

[Larry of the Lawn]

And, you know what? The others take that shame/cliche nonsense! Why should I have to feel embarrassed and pathetic just because I want kids? Because it puts off guys and makes me seem needy? Why should I have to carefully craft this feigned strong independent sexy mystery nonsense when people only do that because they're trying some reverse psychology to actually seem more attractive to men.

You shouldn't. And there are plenty of guys out there that want a family too. You might be surprised. Also, not to minimize the stress of what you're going through, but adoption is a great option. My dad remarried, and his wife was unable to have children, but their 3 adopted children have been the great joy of their life.

[Quorra]

Sounds like both you and the Doctor are being more than a little bit harsh. 28 is still pretty young, and you have six or seven years before you hit that magical "age 35" where the risks of pregnancy increase (but not to the point that the average person should be dissuaded from having a child).

I think you need to really think about how much having a child means to you. If this is really one of your life goals, and something that you can afford on your own, then you should at least seriously consider the possibility of having your own child (or adopting one) WITHOUT a partner. This is not something you have to decide immediately. You might start "seriously considering" it now and give yourself until you're 30 to make a decision. If, at that time, you decide it's what you want to do... go for it.

But what if it takes 6 or 7 years before I find someone I want to make a family with?

I guess the big word here is FAMILY. I want FAMILY not just babies. I don't want to be a single mother. Is that my only option now?

[Quorra]

You shouldn't. And there are plenty of guys out there that want a family too. You might be surprised. Also, not to minimize the stress of what you're going through, but adoption is a great option. My dad remarried, and his wife was unable to have children, but their 3 adopted children have been the great joy of their life.

Were you able to see how their adoption process went? What was your take on it? Did it seem difficult?

[Dr. Pepper]

Well, it really depends on how you envision family to look. Is your image of ideal only one thing? Are you willing to compromise on that image?

I'm currently pursuing single parenthood. In my case, I'm asexual (meaning I do not experience sexual attraction) and I have always had a very low interest/tolerance for romantic relationships. I could never imagine myself with Mr. or Mrs. Right because I just had no desire to even look. For this and other reasons, I used to act as though I had no intention to have kids. I thought I couldn't even try since I had no intent to create a certain type of family. Which is strange. I'm wildly liberal and yet I was still thinking like a conservative bimbo who operates as though family can only exist with two parents and 2.1 children.

Well, I decided that I did want children and that wanting children did not make me a barf-worthy cliche because people want children and that I would pursue it. So I have. There are lots of different paths. Simple sperm donation, fostering, adopting. There are even co-parent matching sites where two (or more!) people decide they want to intentionally have a child together without pursuing a romantic partnership with one another. I actually find this concept very fascinating, though it is can be difficult to find a match.

Depending on where you live, being a single parent barely even raises eyebrows these days. If it's something you want to do and you are able to do so on your own, single parenthood is an option to explore.

[Quorra]

After I left the doctor's office I sat in my car and cried and smoked 3 cigarettes because eff my body.

[NestorMakhnosLovechild]

But what if it takes 6 or 7 years before I find someone I want to make a family with?

I guess the big word here is FAMILY. I want FAMILY not just babies. I don't want to be a single mother. Is that my only option now?

I think it's pretty dismissive of you to suggest that a single woman and her child are not enough to constitute a "family." If you want some non-judgmental advice over a sensitive issue, I think it behooves you to be a little less judgmental about your options, or the options that other people might take in your situation. I know a lot of single mothers - some by choice, some by circumstance - and it's insulting to suggest that they are any less of a family because dad is not in the picture full time or not in the picture at all.

You obviously have other options other than single motherhood, but you finding a husband who wants kids is NOT guaranteed. You can choose to wait it out and see what happens. You can choose to freeze some embryos and make a decision later on. Or you can choose, if you value motherhood enough, to decide to go through with it regardless of your relationship status. These are your calls to make.

[Quorra]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be judgmental.

It's an idea I had of a family, meaning, I don't have to do it on my own. My aversion to single motherhood is of the burden of responsibility and of being the only parent. I want the multiple relationships of a family consisting of more than caregiver and child.

I am taking a lot for granted and being whiny. I want it known I'm admitting that now.

You're right. I do have options that I should be grateful for and I should stop stubbornly insisting that life is over just because I might not get exactly what I thought I wanted.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

But you're a man, you have decades of baby juice backed up in the barracks.

Right, which is why I can never know how you feel. My only real worry is after a certain point finding a woman willing to have a baby with an old man.

[Quorra]

Well, it really depends on how you envision family to look. Is your image of ideal only one thing? Are you willing to compromise on that image?

I'm currently pursuing single parenthood. In my case, I'm asexual (meaning I do not experience sexual attraction) and I have always had a very low interest/tolerance for romantic relationships. I could never imagine myself with Mr. or Mrs. Right because I just had no desire to even look. For this and other reasons, I used to act as though I had no intention to have kids. I thought I couldn't even try since I had no intent to create a certain type of family. Which is strange. I'm wildly liberal and yet I was still thinking like a conservative bimbo who operates as though family can only exist with two parents and 2.1 children.

Well, I decided that I did want children and that wanting children did not make me a barf-worthy cliche because people want children and that I would pursue it. So I have. There are lots of different paths. Simple sperm donation, fostering, adopting. There are even co-parent matching sites where two (or more!) people decide they want to intentionally have a child together without pursuing a romantic partnership with one another. I actually find this concept very fascinating, though it is can be difficult to find a match.

Depending on where you live, being a single parent barely even raises eyebrows these days. If it's something you want to do and you are able to do so on your own, single parenthood is an option to explore.

Do you think it is difficult to adopt when you're single?

[Quorra]

Right, which is why I can never know how you feel. My only real worry is after a certain point finding a woman willing to have a baby with an old man.

Is it important to you that you one day have your own progeny?

[Quorra]

I suppose it is telling of how little I truly know what it would mean to have kids, considering I'm still so prideful and afraid of appearing weak, and compromised, and that I fall apart when things don't go the way I want them to. I would imagine that the experience of raising children provides ample opportunity to face that music.

[Zoë Sumra]

I realise some women have a clinical condition related to speeded-up menopause that means they have to have babies early or not at all. If you don't, I wouldn't stress yet.

I met my now-husband when I was 28. We decided to have kids when I was 29, got married when I was 31, and are going to have our first kid (God willing) when I'm 35. (He's eighteen months younger than me, so no real gap.) These things happen at different people's life stages, and if you don't have a biological reason to panic yet, just relax. Most people say there's actually a better chance of getting into a long-term relationship when you're not looking for one, because you're more relaxed and more yourself in that condition.

[Dr. Pepper]

After I left the doctor's office I sat in my car and cried and smoked 3 cigarettes because eff my body.

Smoking is probably one of the worst things you can do if you are hoping to prolong your baby-producing years. Not trying to be a jackass. I was a smoker for 15+ years.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be judgmental.

It's an idea I had of a family, meaning, I don't have to do it on my own. My aversion to single motherhood is of the burden of responsibility and of being the only parent. I want the multiple relationships of a family consisting of more than caregiver and child.

I am taking a lot for granted and being whiny. You're right. I do have options that I should be grateful for and I should stop stubbornly insisting that life is over just because I might not get exactly what I thought I wanted.

I encourage you to really challenge your idea of what family means. It's possible to have another caretaker while also technically still being single. I mentioned co-parenting matches, which is one option. I have come across all sorts of groups that are created to help put more caretakers in single parent families.

Do you think it is difficult to adopt when you're single?

Not really, depending on where you live. Unless you are a single man. Single men face a lot of discrimination in the adoption world. Single women, not so much. If you're doing a private domestic adoption where birthmothers often pick the adoptive parent, many birthmothers come from single parent families so actually feel comfortable with that model so you won't necessarily face discrimination in that way. Foster to adopt doesn't discriminate against single women (again, this is depending on where you are). Some international adoption programs might require married couples, but most do allow single woman adoption (tough luck if you're a man, though).

[TerraPrime]

I think your doc was being overly dramatic about it. As Nestor mentioned, 35 is the line for "high-risk" pregnancies, and even then the majority of child births take place without much ado.

I'd also point out that it can make for a really toxic world view to consider, for yourself, not getting married and reproducing by a certain age cut-off is a "failure." It's not a good way to, imo, to go about assessing the value of your life.