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Thinking about contacting 2 people after 7 years to apologize. Need advice.


Quorra

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I would like to get some strangers' unbiased opinions about this.



7 years ago I had 2 very close friends whom I loved.



But I ruined it and I regret that. I want to contact them now to apologize and to tell them I've always regretted the way I messed things up between us. I should have apologized sooner but I was prideful and stupid and felt like it was too late back then. Is it too late now?



People I know personally have all said to just let it go, it's over, that this would be a waste of energy unless I want to make a huge effort to try to be friends with them again.



I don't expect us to be friends again. I feel remorse all the time. I just want to say I'm sorry, and that I've been sorry for 7 years.



If you were me, would you try to contact them just to say you're sorry after all this time?



More importantly, If you were them, what would you think about some previous friend who had turned out to be a jerk, sending you a message after 7 years to apologize?





Details:


Back then, we got to be close friends - they lived together for 4 years - but after a couple of years they each drifted away from me, seemingly without explanation.



The reason they did, which I learned too late, is because I was not such a great friend to them. I was selfish and immature, took advantage of them and even when they started to disconnect from me I didn't get the hint. I just got angry with them, shut down and shut them out.



I didn't communicate with them that I felt like I was losing them and that I was confused and scared. I didn't realize my own mistakes which lead them to reject me. So I shut them out in anger and hurt pride.



I kind of did start to get the hint that they didn't want me around anymore, but instead of changing my behavior or talking to them, I made it worse by forcing things - showing up uninvited, staying over, pretending we were besties still - continuing my jerky behavior but even more so - maybe hoping to goad them into a fight to get things out in the open.



Finally I thought the best thing i could do was keep my head up and never speak to them again. Shortly after that decision I regretted it, but I stuck to it anyway. Because I was stupid, and an asshole.



I might have been able to save our friendship if I had: 1, recognized my behavior as being hurtful, selfish and annoying; 2, talked to them about not wanting to lose them.



But I didn't. So I lost them.



I think about how great they were, how much I lost, how we might still be friends today if I'd handled it differently. I regret the way I treated them and I want them to know that.



Maybe it's only so that I can feel better, but I also just feel genuinely bad about treating them like crap. I'm sure it seemed to them that I used them until they were no longer useful then dropped them in the garbage.




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If you've been carrying it around all this time, you should definitely find a way to let it go. Apologizing seems to me a good way to do that.

Be sincere, and don't expect anything in return from them.

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My gut reaction was to agree with the folks who said -

just let it go, it's over, that this would be a waste of energy unless I want to make a huge effort to try to be friends with them again.

But - I think it's fine so long as you keep it simple, to the point and limit the outpouring of emotion in your message.

Reason I say that is, I had someone send me a short note of apology on FB a few years back (in short, a dude several years older than me who'd been a bullying jerkface eons ago when I was in middle school) and it improved my opinion of the guy tremendously.

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Keeping it simple, and simply apologize?



I was also uncertain - should I decide to say anything at all - about how much I would say.




I've never felt more long-term messed-up broken-hearted over a relationship than with these two ladies. No ex-boyfriend ever meant this much to me. I've never had a close friendship with anyone since them, and I think it's because of how upset I've been over losing them through my own behavior. It's got to be one of the biggest regrets of my life.



But, you think I probably shouldn't say all that?



I try to make new friends sometimes with other women, and I can't regain that heedless enthusiasm that I had for them in the beginning. There is truly nothing in the world like being best friends with someone with total confidence and openness and uninhibited love.



I think when I met them, I sort of fell in love - not romantically - but maybe even deeper, because it was platonic and defined by such a connection that I could identify with them more than I ever could with a man who has fundamental opposites to me.



I stalk their facebook pages. Shameful, I know.


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My gut reaction was to agree with the folks who said -

But - I think it's fine so long as you keep it simple, to the point and limit the outpouring of emotion in your message.

Reason I say that is, I had someone send me a short note of apology on FB a few years back (in short, a dude several years older than me who'd been a bullying jerkface eons ago when I was in middle school) and it improved my opinion of the guy tremendously.

So I'm assuming his note was just a brief apology along the lines of "Sorry I was such a jerk back then"

Do you think a longer more heartfelt message would only dredge up past hurt feelings and anger?

Contacting them now might seem like I'm asking them for forgiveness, which they don't have to give. And it might upset them. It might also make me feel even worse depending on the reaction or lack of reaction from them.

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Apologize if you can do it


1. briefly


2. without expectations



Don't turn it into this huge emotional burden where you tell them that you feel remorse all the time. And don't try to draw it out into a bunch of conversations or a request for a personal meeting.



For example, I know you were telling us some context, but you've said a number of things in the OP that should be left out - that you have been sorry for seven years, that you were confused and scared, that you might have been able to save the friendship if you'd acted differently. Just say you're sorry and leave it at that.





I've never felt more long-term messed-up broken-hearted over a relationship than with these two ladies. No ex-boyfriend ever meant this much to me. I've never had a close friendship with anyone since them, and I think it's because of how upset I've been over losing them through my own behavior. It's got to be one of the biggest regrets of my life.



But, you think I probably shouldn't say all that?




NO! nonononono. Can't you see that you're making it about you instead of about them?


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I agree with keeping it short and sweet. Get whatever you need off of your chest and don't expect anything in return. If getting nothing in return is going to make you feel worse, just move on w/out the note.


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Something like



"I've always regretted that I hurt you and ruined our friendship back then. I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry and I hope that you are doing well. I wish you all the happiness in the world."



?



Is that too weird and cheesy? All the happiness in the world sounds like a message in a wedding guestbook.



I honestly feel sorry, and not just suddenly but have always been sorry. I do want them to be happy. They're great. I was a jerk. I don't know how to say this.


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If it makes you feel better and lifts a weight off your shoulders then go ahead and make an attempt. I will tell you this from experience though, if your apology will bring up hurtful memories that should otherwise be left alone, then maybe you shouldn't. Just weigh the benefits of getting it off your chest and IF it would cause your two friends any further hurt, and you have your answer as what to do.

Even if the apology doesn't reconcile your relationship, as long as your not causing anymore pain, then go ahead and get it off your chest. Hope this will help you. :)

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I guess I have no way of knowing whether or not it would upset them, so maybe I shouldn't say anything. First I thought it would be a gift to them, in case they ever felt bad about it, I wouldn't want them to.


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Sure, send them a message, but keep it very short and don't hold out hopes of getting anything meaningful back. I would actually give yourself a word limit, or at least a sentence limit, to stop yourself from getting carried away. Something like, "Dear X,I know it's been a long time, but I just wanted to let you know that I have come to realise how wrong my behaviour was back when [....], and I regret the trouble I caused you. I hope you're doing well, and wish you all the best for the future," and that's it.


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If it makes you feel better and lifts a weight off your shoulders then go ahead and make an attempt. I will tell you this from experience though, if your apology will bring up hurtful memories that should otherwise be left alone, then maybe you shouldn't. Just weigh the benefits of getting it off your chest and IF it would cause your two friends any further hurt, and you have your answer as what to do.

Even if the apology doesn't reconcile your relationship, as long as your not causing anymore pain, then go ahead and get it off your chest. Hope this will help you. :)

There'd be zero benefit for me if I caused them further hurt. I don't know if there's a way to apologize that would be appreciated.

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I guess I have no way of knowing whether or not it would upset them, so maybe I shouldn't say anything. First I thought it would be a gift to them, in case they ever felt bad about it, I wouldn't want them to.

Well, you don't have to go into specifics, but, are you apologizing for something that caused a lot of emotional damage to them? I mean, if this is just about a spat or some immature fight, then I don't see where it would cause additional pain.....

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Maybe you apology should focus the emotional pain you caused to them rather than the damage you caused to your friendship. The latter could be construed as selfish, like your only sorry because of how it affected you. I'm not saying that's how what you mean, but there is a risk it can be taken wrong.


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Quorra,

If you've been carrying it around all this time, you should definitely find a way to let it go. Apologizing seems to me a good way to do that.

Be sincere, and don't expect anything in return from them.

Nas has the right of this, if you go in expecting something from them, it will fail. Go in apologize sincerely for the wrong you did them, keep it brief, do not expect them then renew contact.

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I really appreciate this advice.



BearShin, thank you. That's a good point.



I suppose it's possible that by the time I was crying over what I did, they were heaving sighs of relief that I was out of their lives.


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If you've been carrying it around all this time, you should definitely find a way to let it go. Apologizing seems to me a good way to do that.

Be sincere, and don't expect anything in return from them.

Very much this. If your intent is to apologize because you know you owe it to them, then by all means, do it.

If your intent is to apologize because you want to renew the friendship, don't. These people don't owe you anything, and the best possible way you can make amends to them is by apologizing, letting them know you learned from the mistakes you made, and that you don't treat people this way anymore.

I understand what it's like to have to apologize and make amends for bad behavior; all responsible adults do. I think it's great that you see where you went wrong with these relationships; so many people never learn from their mistakes.

Best of luck to you! :)

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I'm glad I started this thread because if I just went with my first thoughts I might have sent them each a long-winded and self-involved emotional thing which would have been a bad idea. I really want to get this right. I think just a facebook message, I guess. It's the only way I could contact them.


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