Is It Possible to Reconcile with My Ex?

[Stan Man]

This is a fairly petty and ridiculous thread, so don't feel compelled to read or answer. I'll give the background in the briefest manner possible.

• Started dating GF when I was 17, she was 15.
  
• Never had sex.
  
• I never really wanted to experiment with alcohol or drink at all, because of alcoholic tendencies in my family.
  
• We were long-distance after the first year (we saw each other every few weeks). Over the course of three years we gradually grew apart, but remained in a relationship 'cuz feelings.
  
• When I was 20 I went to a party with friends and got buzzed (four drinks over three hours). Told her I would text her at 10, texted her at 11.
  
• She got angry because I drank (when before I never really wanted to) and texted her late (something I was prone to doing). Also angry because biannually I would go on cruise vacations with my family, which meant no videochatting, very little phone calling.
  
• Snowballed into days of emotion and fighting. When I realized there was no coming back from it, I poked the flames to make her angrier at me so she would be more susceptible to breaking up with me (it was something I know she had wrestled with, but would never have the courage to say unless I did it first).
  
• I went on my vacation and tried to forget all of it.
  
• After a month of not speaking, I tried to talk to her and reconcile now that our emotions had subsided. She said she was perfectly happy without me and was not ready to speak.
  
• That was in January. It's almost six months since we've really spoken to each other.
  
• I feel horrible because three years of a loving relationship was crushed in one day, and we've had no mutual closure. I'm normally good at controlling my emotions, and I've been great at break-ups in the past, but I think about her nearly everyday, and dream about her a couple times a week.
  
• I constantly wonder what would happen if I wrote her a letter or called her. A thousand scenarios run through my mind. I know that, after the break-up, she was not emotionally well and saw a therapist. I'm afraid that any further contact with me might upset her.
  

I absolutely don't want to get back together with her, but she was my best friend and partner for over three years, and it's tough to deal with the repercussions. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I'm afraid to go out, in case I run into her.

Sorry for the extremely petty question, but it's really been digging at me the past few weeks.

[Elder Sister]

You "absolutely don't want to get back together with her", she's not stable, and you think it might harm her if you contact her.

No, you don't need to get back together with her, call her, or even think about her. Just move on.

Just my .02. Best to you. :)

[NestorMakhnosLovechild]

Here's my suggestion.

[litechick]

I'm afraid that any further contact with me might upset her.

There's your answer. If you care about her and acknowledge that contact would upset her, leave her alone.

For the vast majority of people the first serious relationship doesn't work out. Six months seems like a long time but it really isn't. Give it a couple of years. Start dating, focus on other pursuits, learn what you can from what happened and treat your next girlfriend the way you wish you had treated her.

[Westerosi Coast Gangster]

Starting this thread proves you need to fly out to wherever she is and goto her bedroom window with a boombox.

You'll thank me later.

[Ferrum Aeternum]

• I feel horrible because three years of a loving relationship was crushed in one day, and we've had no mutual closure.

Very few breakups achieve "mutual closure."

Also, if you tried to talk to her a month later and she was having none of it, there's your sign that you need to move on once and for all.

I'm normally good at controlling my emotions, and I've been great at break-ups in the past, but I think about her nearly everyday, and dream about her a couple times a week.

Dreaming is just an incredibly weird thing that you shouldn't read too much into. My dreams are regularly populated by people I haven't seen (or whom have been dead) for a decade or longer.

[Westerosi Coast Gangster]

Only if the boom box is playing "Every Step You Take" by The Police though. Whenever I get married again, I'm going to make sure that song is played at the wedding. It's so romantic!!!

that song has stalker undertones which is exactly why I love it.

[zelticgar]

This sounds like a starter relationship. Give it some more time and you will look back on it fondly but with the realization that it was simply a step along the way. Hopefully you will have learned some lessons that will make you a better person and will allow you to be a better partner in the future.

I would hold off on contacting her for a while longer. If she was really rocked by the breakup she is probably just about getting over it and will need more time. I would give it a try after a year has gone by so at least you give it one more attempt so you can try for some closure. Try to wait until you are in another relationship. Sometimes those closure attempts turn into hook ups and that is generally a recipe for disaster.

You should also take some advice from this guy.

[baxus]

Dude, you're 20 years old, based on "I was 17 when we started dating" and "3 years of a relationship".

You have been presented with a shot at a clean break.

Use it and move on.

It may seem like a huge deal but trust me (I also had a 3 and a half year relationship end a week before my 20th birthday) when I tell you it's not.

[Larry of the Lawn]

Starting this thread proves you need to fly out to wherever she is and goto her bedroom window with a boombox.

You'll thank me later.

Fun fact -when they shot that scene Cusack is.actually playing a Fishbone tape, not the song in the movie.

[Quorra]

I agree with zelticgar, ferrum, and litechick. You are still getting over it and that's normal. You both need more time. A sense of closure is rarely achieved by one decisive conversation. A sense of closure will probably come over time. You may always and forever think about her now and then, and that's okay. This relationship was important to you, so value it for what it was at the time and use what you learned from it in future relationships.

I've been there where I'm terrified to run into an ex in public, and feeling unsure about how things ended. That's totally normal and I got over it. Look to the future. As to your original question: Yes, it's possible to reconcile but I would suggest giving her more time.

[DeathYon]

Move on.

[Glaurung]

I think that perhaps you might just be a bit lonely and this can have an affect on your feelings, making your feelings for her seem stronger than they really are. Give it time and it will go away. Maybe you could try dating somebody new.

Dreaming is just an incredibly weird thing that you shouldn't read too much into. My dreams are regularly populated by people I haven't seen (or whom have been dead) for a decade or longer.

This. Dreams mean nothing. I was with my one ex for 5 years, but I haven't seen or talked to her for 7 years. I still occasionally dream about her and I have absolutely zero feelings towards her one way or another.

[MerenthaClone]

You should 100% not try to reconcile. Move on. "Closure" is something that people rarely get and trying just makes it worse, imo.

[Isis]

Try to forget about closure. Ultimately, seeking closure means you're giving another person the power to give (or not give) you something and if they don't then you can't let yourself move on. Work things through in your own mind. As much as you think another person can give you answers that can make you feel better, you mostly just need to accept what has happened and put it behind you.

As others have said, you should be trying to learn what you can from your past mistakes - that is what life is all about really.

[LucindaMara]

Her loss.

Men have a much harder time letting go of a relationship than women do. ((Probably at least partially because women vent thier feelings with friends, while men tend not to do so.) Unfortunately, your love life will probably involve many more instances of frustration and sadness. Fall six times; stand up seven. Get yourself up and move on. It's true that closure is a rare commodity. It's natural for you to hesitate now in regard to dating--you're not alone there. Still, think of the opportunities you're missing to meet Miss Right.

[Greywolf2375]

Is it possible? Absolutely.

Should you take those steps....no. You've already answered the questions yourself - you don't want to get back together, contact would be painful, etc.

[The_BlauerDragon]

I agree that you should not even try to reconcile with this girl. I would like to make that clear before I say anything else. I sympathize with your plight, but I cannot help but suspect that there is a great deal more to this story that you are not telling us.. perhaps more than you actually are aware of yourself.

Forgive the following barrage of questions and comments, but I want to illustrate a little bit of what I was thinking when reading through your original posting to make my suspicions a little clearer and more understandable.

You made it a point to note that you'd never had sex with her. Is this something you regret? Is it mentioned because you did have sex with someone else during that time? Is it because she had sex with someone else? You mentioned being prone to late texts and her being upset that you'd go on an annual cruise and be out of contact. Why was there such lack of trust? Specifically, it sounds like, she was not able to trust you. Was this paranoia, or was it justified? Is there a reason why this information is relevant? The drinking. Why is that an issue? Okay, you have tendencies in your family and that explains your aversion... what is her reason for objection? When she bounded off and said she was happy being rid of you, it sounded like perhaps you viewed the breakup as her excuse to get away from you. Did she have someone else on the side that she wanted to leave you for anyway? Did you have someone else on the side?

Maybe it is just me, but something here just rings hollow to me. It is almost like a poorly pieced together narrative trying too hard to paint a sympathetic view of one side of the argument while presenting veiled facts that speak to the contrary. It has me wondering why my B.S. detector is going ballistic. Is the damned thing on the fritz again, or is it fully functional?

[Stan Man]

You bring up a lot of questions that I left kind of blank for conciseness, but I can answer it just to make things clear. :)

You made it a point to note that you'd never had sex with her. Is this something you regret? Is it mentioned because you did have sex with someone else during that time? Is it because she had sex with someone else?

No, I never had sex with anyone else during that time, and I'm 100% positive she didn't either. She just felt like she was never ready for it, and I respected her wishes. After three years, though, it got frustrating. She never suffered from any previous event that made her scared, I think she just came from a very conservative family and, from what I could tell, she thought the very notion of sex disgusting.

You mentioned being prone to late texts and her being upset that you'd go on an annual cruise and be out of contact. Why was there such lack of trust? Specifically, it sounds like, she was not able to trust you. Was this paranoia, or was it justified? Is there a reason why this information is relevant?

It wasn't a trust issue, it was an emotional one. Since we were already long distance, she didn't like the idea of me spending time abroad (with hardly any communication) than with her. This was a controlling factor, and it really bugged me but I never gave in (I'm really obstinate). We talked every single day, texted a lot, and going a week with only a few thirty-second phone calls bothered her a lot. I think she was lonely.

The drinking. Why is that an issue? Okay, you have tendencies in your family and that explains your aversion... what is her reason for objection?

She believed I should strictly follow the law (in America). No drinking under 21. It's a law I've always thought is ridiculous. Her objection was that (1) I blatantly broke the law. (2) Since she has alcoholic family members, I was being inconsiderate towards her because I might become an alcoholic.

When she bounded off and said she was happy being rid of you, it sounded like perhaps you viewed the breakup as her excuse to get away from you. Did she have someone else on the side that she wanted to leave you for anyway? Did you have someone else on the side?

I don't think she had anyone on the side, and I definitely didn't. I know that the reason we broke up was the emotional stress of long distance, catalyzed by doing things she didn't agree with (drinking under 21). When she started telling me that I should be ashamed for what I had done (I wasn't), I knew it had to be over.

So she was obviously controlling and overemotional and ridiculous. My problems arise because, despite that, she was such a crucial part of my life for three years. She helped me through family deaths, personal problems, etc etc, and it stinks that someone who was almost literally my other half has sworn to ignore me at all costs.

But all of your responses have helped me realize maybe it's not worth it. If she wants to discuss it, she'll come to me. Six months is a while, but I think I'm overcoming it slowly.

[The_BlauerDragon]

Glad to hear that our merry little band of misfits might have helped you on the road towards recovery. I'm sorry that I had to go whole ham on you, but the gaps in what you presented were setting off alarms in my overly suspicious and notoriously cynical brain. Thanks for the clarification. I'll regift you with a highly sanitized version of a piece of wisdom an old cowboy gave me once.

Remember, being in a relationship is a lot like riding a horse. Getting tossed off of one can hurt, but the only real way to get over it is to climb back into the saddle.

The original advice:

Women are like horses. The only way to get over one is to get on one.

Which, I always thought was horrible advice until I washed it down, sanitized it, analyzed it, and found something useful I could take from it.