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Dear Donkey...


Nas!

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With the plethora of recent threads in Gen Chat soliciting advice on all manner of topics, it has become clear that this community needs a lot of help.

I humbly submit my services with this thread. Having (briefly) ascended a few years back, I have picked the brains of the gods themselves, and returned with all of their great wisdom. It would be my honour to pass this on to you people, for whom I have a great and undying love.

Please don't be shy!

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Dear Donkey,

What if Bender was human?

This is a serious advice thread, RRL, not a 'What If' machine, so I'll give some serious advice: pull your finglonger out of your ass.

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Thank you, but I prefer to get my wisdom from

.

Well, goats do have their own unique (albeit heathen) perspective, but be warned: they'll just tell you what you want to hear.

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Dear Donkey,

I sometimes find it difficult to express the fullness of my being to mortal humans. Do you have any suggestions on how I can better connect with my lessers?

Sincerely,

Lonely Androgynous Alien Sex God

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Dear Donkey:

I am hoping you will settle a disagreement I'm having with friends and family members. Is it wrong of me to bite the bottom of the chocolates if I'm not sure what they are? Sometimes, I'm not in the mood for an orange cream, and would prefer a nutty nougat. My family says that this kind of behavior is selfish and wrong. I do not agree. It's my candy; I'm not hurting anyone. And anyway, they look fine in the box. You can't tell unless you pick one up to eat it. Big deal.

Also, do you think it's odd that a single woman collects dental molds? Am asking for a friend.

All the best,

A novice tooth aficionado

P.S. Are you available for social outings?

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Dear Donkey,

I am soon going on a 2500-mile road trip. What should I bring for fun?

-JonSnew

Dear JonSnew,

Good question. I often in my younger days travelled across great deserts, and it can get a bit dull after a while. The sagely Brothers Finn once opined: "everywhere you go, always take the weather with you", and I think these wise words were for you. Bringing weather to new places is a fun way to make friends and impress the locals. You do risk provoking the odd witch hunt, however, so maybe stay away from any towns with gallows in their town squares.

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Dear JonSnew,

Good question. I often in my younger days travelled across great deserts, and it can get a bit dull after a while. The sagely Brothers Finn once opined: "everywhere you go, always take the weather with you", and I think these wise words were for you. Bringing weather to new places is a fun way to make friends and impress the locals. You do risk provoking the odd witch hunt, however, so maybe stay away from any towns with gallows in their town squares.

I tried this, but couldn't fit all the weather into my Honda Accord. I had to rent a trailer.

Also, are you only going to answer questions that interest you? Because this is going to cause some donkey abuse up in here.

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Also, are you only going to answer questions that interest you? Because this is going to cause some donkey abuse up in here.

Have patience, ES. The Donkey needs time to craft his responses. Also, he has a day job.

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Dear Donkey,

I sometimes find it difficult to express the fullness of my being to mortal humans. Do you have any suggestions on how I can better connect with my lessers?

Sincerely,

Lonely Androgynous Alien Sex God

Dear LAASG,

Androgynous Alien Sex Gods are some of the loneliest beings I've ever met. Maybe you are coming on too strong? Or not strong enough? Try being more assertive. Or less assertive. One of those might work.

Alternatively, you might try starting with a compliment. Mortal humans are curiously vain creatures, and nothing makes them believe that they like you more than believing that you like them. Then, once you have their attention and trust, you can slowly reveal the terrifying depth of your inner self.

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Dear Donkey,



Before I broke up with my ex, she gave me a GameBoy Advance with the original Pokemon game. I want to get of everything associated with her, but I also don't to throw away a precious artifact. Opinions?



-JonSnew


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When, oh when, will Budweiser bring back those whimsical "Whasssup" commercials?

They left our world far too soon.

They came to us when our need for them was the greatest, Ix, and they shall return to us when humanity yearns together as one for their whimsy.

Keep eternal vigil, and have faith in the Market for the Market corrects us all.

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Dear Donkey,

Every time I push my immense boulder up the hill, it rolls back down and I have to do it again. How do I maintain my sense of accomplishment and purpose?

-S

Dear Lazarova,

I find that it sometimes helps me to clarify my situation by approaching my problems from another angle. Were I you (and perhaps I am, as there has been some confusion on this point in the past), I would consider what my life would be like if I were to successfully balance that boulder on top of the hill. I mean, there's no question that I would be properly stoked about what I'd done. I'd be all like: "hey, dude! Wazzzzup? You seen that big boulder up on top of yonder hill? I DID THAT!" And people would be pretty impressed and buy me drinks with little plastic swords in them. Doubtless I would get more action than a teenaged Bob Weir, too, which would be great.

But glory fades, and someday everyone would just take that big rock on the hilltop for granted, and I'd be just some bitter old dude trying desperately to live off the fading memory of my one and only accomplishment in life.

Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say that you can get what you want and still not be happy. So suck it up and keep pushing, Buttercup.

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Dear Donkey:

I am hoping you will settle a disagreement I'm having with friends and family members. Is it wrong of me to bite the bottom of the chocolates if I'm not sure what they are? Sometimes, I'm not in the mood for an orange cream, and would prefer a nutty nougat. My family says that this kind of behavior is selfish and wrong. I do not agree. It's my candy; I'm not hurting anyone. And anyway, they look fine in the box. You can't tell unless you pick one up to eat it. Big deal.

Also, do you think it's odd that a single woman collects dental molds? Am asking for a friend.

All the best,

A novice tooth aficionado

P.S. Are you available for social outings?

Dear ES,

This is a very serious topic, I agree, and I will do my best to guide you:

When you are playing a 4-4-2 against a five person midfield, you are faced with an initial conundrum: do you grant possession to your opponents and try to hit them on the counter-attack? Or do you ask one of your forwards to play deep, busying the person anchoring their midfield and making up the numbers in the centre of the park? You could play it either way, really, depending on what type of forwards are available for selection. Good luck!

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Dear ES,

This is a very serious topic, I agree, and I will do my best to guide you:

When you are playing a 4-4-2 against a five person midfield, you are faced with an initial conundrum: do you grant possession to your opponents and try to hit them on the counter-attack? Or do you ask one of your forwards to play deep, busying the person anchoring their midfield and making up the numbers in the centre of the park? You could play it either way, really, depending on what type of forwards are available for selection. Good luck!

Donkey, I love you, but this advice sucks.

What about dating your mom's parole officer? Any thoughts on that?

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