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Friends with ex - Good idea or not?


satori26

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So, on the same train of thought of so many of the topics that get posted over here in this forum, I was looking for help with my own relationship problem.



This is going to be a little long because I need to unload into the ether of the internet. The main question is already in the title, so yeah, there's the TL;DR



Duhduhduh...



I just got out of a three and a half year relationship. The relationship was AMAZING at the start, like in the movies, romantic, fantastic, butterflies, cute awkwardness, the whole wooing with notes and gifts and amazing dates with the birds singing, etc. Slowly but surely, it got way too comfortable, and I found myself more or less molded into her and her life and her friends. She became very controlling and jealous. Admittedly, I was (possibly still am) very insecure socially, so it was a mutual thing. We broke up a couple months ago. I actually moved out only last week, as I was thinking we could still be friends, but I met a new girl, and she flipped out, starting talking about getting back together urgently, told her NO WAY, cue my time to move the hell out of there.



We seemed to have smoothed things out, but I'm afraid of going back to the place I was when I was with her. I was miserable. I had a drinking problem (yes, yes, my fault, I should have just ended it LONG AGO). I would just get obliterated. In retrospect, I think I was trying to commit silent suicide out of guilt that I couldn't make it work.



It's really hard to break things off completely though. She has my cat and my dog, as I'm in a transitional place where I can't keep them. I miss my neighbors who I was good friends with. She is friends with some of my friends (although because she was so controlling, I never really succeeded in making good friends with most people when she was around). She often goes to the same social things I do. She was basically my only confidante for years, although not a very good one.



Dunno what to do. I want to salvage the parts of my life that I liked when I was with her, but I'm really nervous about regressing. Plus, we could be friends. Maybe.



So... is it even possible to be friends with your ex? One of my friends said no, for precisely the concern I had, namely that you would find yourself instinctively taking on the traits and finding yourself in situations which you were most likely looking to escape by breaking up with them in the first place.



Thoughts?


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Based on what you said, it doesn't sound like it would be a good idea for you to be friends right now:


1. She's controlling and tried to reverse the breakup because you'd gone on a date with someone else


2. You were miserable in the relationship and drinking too much very recently


3. She prevented you from becoming close with other friends



It sounds like you need to get your life back together without distractions.



One specific relationship is different from declaring whether it's possible to be friends with any ex. If you get to a place in the future where you are more secure, less able to be manipulated, and not going to reciprocate bad behavior, and you and she are still running in the same circles, maybe you can have a friendship. As long as you're both still flailing, it seems more likely that you're going pull each other down than build a healthy friendship out of a troubled romance.


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If you get to know enough your ex during the relationship, then why not, be friends. I am friend, and a good one, with my last ex, whom I lived 5 years with. We couldn´t see each other at first, but then, when all hard feelings wear out, the grudges and all, you can see that she/he was actually a good friend, too. My ex has a boyfriend and I have no problem in hearing about him. Peace.



I am completely hated or ignored by the others tho.


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I'm still active friends with exactly one ex in my lifetime, and that was only a 6 month (but very intense) relationship. My gf's that I lived with or dated for years I was never able to really connect with at that 'friend' level. It was always too weird for everyone.


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I think it depends on the nature of the break up. I am still really good friends with an ex who I parted ways with on good terms (which is fortunate really, as we see each other pretty much every day). We aren't awkward or anything around each other, which is always a plus. I can imagine situations where being friends with an ex is unlikely to work out though.

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It's very possible to be friends with an ex, although I'd echo that it's not likely a good idea for the OP to try and remain friends with this one. Sounds like lots of bad mojo going on there.



I remained close with my first LTR for several years after our split, but she and I were always really good friends (in fact, that's all we were by the end, which was why we called it quits) and the decision to part ways was about as mutual and amicable as it gets. Despite the fact that we broke up 12 years ago I can honestly say I've never had a better friend in terms of trust and intimacy. She's married with a kid now so I limit communication with her today out of respect for that, but I still miss her friendship.


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I think with most breakups that a little bit of time and distance really does make friendships possible. It sounds like this particular case it's in your best interest to keep things cordial since you are tied to her socially and through your pets, but maybe develop some of your own life a bit more - and give her time to do it on her own, too.



For what it's worth, I'm friends with almost every guy I've ever dated except for one, including my ex-husband.


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I think your question is entirely too broad; instead of asking whether you can (generally) be friend with your ex, to which you'll get a variety of answers, you should be focusing on whether you can be friends with this ex.

Spot on.

In some cases, it can work well. In a few cases, it's a matter of self-preservation to cut most if not all ties, because that relationship is just so damaging.

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You have to take situations like these one at a time, there's no generic answer that applies to all people. I'm great friends with some of my ex's, there are some I don't ever want to see again. Just depends on the type of person you and they are and your relationship and how it transgressed. From everything you put out there, keeping a cautious distance might be for the best. Not saying you should stonewall her, but until she demonstrates some signs she's grown past the issues that drove you apart, it might be a good idea not to let yourself get burned again.


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Being friends with exes, long term, is really hard. The only time it has ever really worked out is when we didn't date long and the friendship is casual -- we talk occasionally and that's about it. Mostly I think it doesn't work.

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I think with most breakups that a little bit of time and distance really does make friendships possible. It sounds like this particular case it's in your best interest to keep things cordial since you are tied to her socially and through your pets, but maybe develop some of your own life a bit more - and give her time to do it on her own, too.

This. All of the exes that I'm friends with featured a decently long period of time where we didn't talk or interact, both moved on, and then started being friends again because of mutual friend groups. You can't, imo, go straight from dating to being friends since you have to re-learn how to be friends first, which you can't easily do while you're also still trying to sort out the breakup. Which includes dealing with why you all broke up in the first place, so a mutually amicable breakup is going to make that a lot easier.

So, OP, you can be friends with your ex. Just not now, and probably not with this ex one.

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I have pretty healthy relationships with most of my exes, but you have to take each case on an individual basis. And while a friendship may be possible some time down the road, it's often too raw and hurtful in the short term after the breakup. My ex who was the great love of my early 20s is a dear friend of mine now, we've been to each other's weddings and all, but oh my heavens I was such a dipshit around her and about her for the first year or two after we broke up.



This relationship, though, sounds like you should probably just stay away for a long long time.


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I was such a dipshit around her and about her for the first year or two after we broke up.

Yeah, I'm more surprised that my exes are friends with me after behaving like such a moron post break-up. I couldn't do it short term - we only ended up being friends after about 2-3 years. As some of the others have said above, time and distance helped me put things in perspective.

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as has been said, generically - yes, you can be friends with your exes. Even close friends after a time. But specifically for this ex...maybe not...at least not yet.


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