Theda Baratheon Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 . Casually harming myself for reasons I don't even remember (and not just physical harm, harm in every damn way possible ) however is the worst. Seriously, you know you're doing shit that's going to have bad consequences, and then you still go ahead and do it (in my case I did it because I knew it ) i totally relate to this. i have only ever genuinely ''self harmed'' in the sense of inflicting direct damage and violence to my own body once. when i was about 13/14 i couldn't deal with being bullied every single day so i heated up my hair straighteners and clamped them down on my arm and i NEVER did anything like that again so i always thought ''oh iv ## never self harm'' until i realised recently i have been self harming in smaller forms for years like pulling out my hair, picking scabs, cracking my knuckles, cutting off chunks of my hair and telling people i was ''just bored'' and leading them to believe it was just a quirky thing i do. i constantly do things that i now call ''self sabotage'' and have been doing this for years. i know that if i have a rash and then i itch it its going to get a hell of a lot worse and im going to have horrible looking skin on my face but then i do it anyway and feel so ugly and hideous Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The King in Black Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 i totally relate to this. i have only ever genuinely ''self harmed'' in the sense of inflicting direct damage and violence to my own body once. when i was about 13/14 i couldn't deal with being bullied every single day so i heated up my hair straighteners and clamped them down on my arm and i NEVER did anything like that again so i always thought ''oh iv ## never self harm'' until i realised recently i have been self harming in smaller forms for years like pulling out my hair, picking scabs, cracking my knuckles, cutting off chunks of my hair and telling people i was ''just bored'' and leading them to believe it was just a quirky thing i do. i constantly do things that i now call ''self sabotage'' and have been doing this for years. i know that if i have a rash and then i itch it its going to get a hell of a lot worse and im going to have horrible looking skin on my face but then i do it anyway and feel so ugly and hideous The disturbing part is I remember I liked it. Scratching, cutting, making myself bleed, shit there was a time I would do it without even realising and couldn't bring myself to stop. Yet there was this perverse satisfaction in it. That's just the bodily stuff though ; there are times when I've screwed with my work, relationships, etc, out of a similar inner desire Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 there is a website in my signature that some of you may find quite helpful where you go to talk to ''listeners''. i use it sometimes but i've stopped for awhile. 7cups of tea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I've never done the self harm thing. I was always far too cowardly for that. Having really bad thoughts about harm coming to me maybe but I could never do it to myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The King in Black Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I've never done the self harm thing. I was always far too smart for that. HaVing really bad thoughts about harm coming to me maybe but I could never do it to myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NestorMakhnosLovechild Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I've never done the self harm thing. I was always far too smart for that. HaVing really bad thoughts about harm coming to me maybe but I could never do it to myself. While I appreciate what you're trying to do, I think we just need to recognize how problematic it is to try to talk about mental illness and the impact that mental illness has on one's behavior in terms of qualities like smartness (and conversely stupidity) and cowardice (and conversely bravery). It's problematic to suggest that not engaging in self-harm behaviors is smart, as it implies that those who engage in physical self-harm are stupid. And it's also problematic to suggest that not engaging in self-harm is cowardly, as it implies that those who do engage in self-harm are brave. The experience of mental health issues are highly individualized and I think that talking in terms of smartness/stupidity and bravery/cowardice gloss over the individualized experience that a person has with mental health issues, and implies a "one size fits all" experience that can be overcome if you just have the right inherent personal qualities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I've never done the self harm thing. I was always far too smart for that. HaVing really bad thoughts about harm coming to me maybe but I could never do it to myself. A person who doesn't hate himself would say it like that but I appreciate it. I should look at it that way. Yesterday I was talking to my father about a woman who I've been out with a few times does volunteer work with the Wounded Warrior Project. It took it to a dark place pretty quick as I tend to do and said something like I if I were in that situation I would hope I would die outright or have someone put a gun in my hand so I could end it. That kind of upset him and he told me that men and women who live like that are the bravest kind of people. I think he finally understands that I'm not joking when I say I'm a coward. I hate myself enough as it is and I don't think I could bare living like that. I have also said on more than one occasion that I'm too stupid to be dishonest Nestor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spring Bass Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I've had intrusive thoughts about self-harm and harming others (the latter more in the past, the former now). It's mostly been limited to harmful compulsions, like when I start constantly twisting/turning/cracking my neck because I felt like there was a mysterious bulge and scary stiffness to it. It was comforting to learn that intrusive thoughts are an actual thing, that most people have to deal with even if obsessive, repetitive ones are a problem (and possible sign of OCD). I had no idea what they were before that - I thought it was just a sign that something was wrong with my brain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Marquis de Leech Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 These past months I've been going through my worst bout of depression in four years. Winter doesn't help, but ruminating over past failures (especially past failures that affected other people) is a terrible thing. It's been chocolate and anti-depressants this winter. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I've had intrusive thoughts about self-harm and harming others (the latter more in the past, the former now). It's mostly been limited to harmful compulsions, like when I start constantly twisting/turning/cracking my neck because I felt like there was a mysterious bulge and scary stiffness to it. It was comforting to learn that intrusive thoughts are an actual thing, that most people have to deal with even if obsessive, repetitive ones are a problem (and possible sign of OCD). I had no idea what they were before that - I thought it was just a sign that something was wrong with my brain. I suffer from intrusive thoughts too, that always make me act compulsively. Drove past a cyclist? Definitely knocked him down. Must check mirrors. Going to bed? Definitely left the window open. Must get up and check. That kind of thing. It gets pretty tedious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Westerosi Coast Gangster Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 The thing is i shower every single day without fail, i wash my hair, brush my teeth, get out of bed before the afternoon so i dont feel like im depressed enough for people to take me seriously even tho all i have energy to do is those things, go to work, come back from work, play some video games/watch tv and sleep. And its not for desire to just stay in and watch tv all the time i actually LOVE walking and i live in a fucking valley near mountains that I could go for walks on and have done but i just stop myself from doing it because im too tired and i dont want anyone to see my face because its disgusting In a non-creeper way, your face is not disgusting. I kind of have a complex about my body, and while I guess I know I am in pretty decent shape I still feel like it's no where near what people tell me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trebla Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I have clinical depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Suffering from chronic back pain made it worse but the depression has always been there since I was a teenager. I self-medicated with alcohol and sex for years without realizing what I was doing. The PTSD stems from an abusive childhood and then being married to an abusive spouse. I basically married my father. My dad would not appreciate being compared to my ex-wife. :P I take medication and I see a psychologist. I went into a 21 day pain management program in May which also helped a bunch. I use meditation when I can, emphasizing Diaphragmatic breathing which has helped A LOT. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diaphragmatic_breathing I belong to a pain management support group and have gotten quite a bit out of it. I would echo Nestor's thoughts on being careful on the wording we use. eta: missed a word Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 In a non-creeper way, your face is not disgusting. I kind of have a complex about my body, and while I guess I know I am in pretty decent shape I still feel like it's no where near what people tell me. thank you yeah i feel like i don't know what people are on about when theyre nice about my appearence like theyre seeing someone else i have suspected body dysmorphia for awhile but i dont want to sound like a hypochondriac or someone that wants to be ill....i dont Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maarsen Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Theda, always remember that people, like me, are nice to you because they actually like you and do like to read what you write. It took many years to get to this point in my life so there is always hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrackerNeil Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 It's been both wrenching and touching to read what's been posted here. I hate that we're allowed to seek help for a physical problem--nobody would question us going to a doctor for a sprained wrist--but when we have a mental illness we're made to feel ashamed and broken. (Or told to "get over it.") I "recovered" from depression about 17 years ago, but I don't think depression is something from which you recover fully. You just manage it, hopefully a little better with each passing year. Depression's a sneaky thing, too; some people, like me, present normally even if they are struggling just to get through the day. I wrote about my experiences on my blog, if anyone's interested. (I won't clog up the thread with a repost.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 It's been both wrenching and touching to read what's been posted here. I hate that we're allowed to seek help for a physical problem--nobody would question us going to a doctor for a sprained wrist--but when we have a mental illness we're made to feel ashamed and broken. (Or told to "get over it.") I "recovered" from depression about 17 years ago, but I don't think depression is something from which you recover fully. You just manage it, hopefully a little better with each passing year. Depression's a sneaky thing, too; some people, like me, present normally even if they are struggling just to get through the day. I wrote about my experiences on my blog, if anyone's interested. (I won't clog up the thread with a repost.) Seeing someone for help isn't seen as shameful in my family. My aunt committed suicide when I was a small boy so my father always took and still takes stuff of that nature very seriously. I'm more like you in that respect. People who I tell have no idea I'm dealing with depression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrackerNeil Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Seeing someone for help isn't seen as shameful in my family. My aunt committed suicide when I was a small boy so my father always took and still takes stuff of that nature very seriously. I'm more like you in that respect. People who I tell have no idea I'm dealing with depression. That is a good thing, then. Would that more families were that way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 That is a good thing, then. Would that more families were that way! It took a young woman's suicide but I consider myself lucky. That's the real reason why I could never hurt myself. My father shouldn't have had to deal with that once, my mother would die, my older sister would probably start using again and my little sister might actually die too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The King in Black Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 While I appreciate what you're trying to do, I think we just need to recognize how problematic it is to try to talk about mental illness and the impact that mental illness has on one's behavior in terms of qualities like smartness (and conversely stupidity) and cowardice (and conversely bravery). It's problematic to suggest that not engaging in self-harm behaviors is smart, as it implies that those who engage in physical self-harm are stupid. And it's also problematic to suggest that not engaging in self-harm is cowardly, as it implies that those who do engage in self-harm are brave. The experience of mental health issues are highly individualized and I think that talking in terms of smartness/stupidity and bravery/cowardice gloss over the individualized experience that a person has with mental health issues, and implies a "one size fits all" experience that can be overcome if you just have the right inherent personal qualities. You're right. Sorry about the wording folks. Just from where I stand overcoming your urges to do so to yourself should in no way be considered cowardice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 You're right. Sorry about the wording folks. Just from where I stand overcoming your urges to do so to yourself should in no way be considered cowardice. No apology needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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