Spring Bass Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Goddamn apathy, except for the anxiety of course - that flares up and down, tailing the intrusive thoughts when I screw up and give them them attention and fear. And the headaches, which seem tied to the apathy somehow, like my head starts hurting whenever I try to feel something. The headaches are mild, though, compared to that feeling of apathy, like all my feelings except anxiety have been dampened. I'd be happy just to feel truly angry right now, to feel it liked I felt it not many weeks before. I'm hoping I start to feel better by September 1st. That's my self-set deadline for treatment, if I don't feel noticeably better and improving by September 1st. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyoshi Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Big hug to everyone. I'm glad a thread like this is alive again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrackerNeil Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 One thing that helped (and still helps) me to get through was a commitment that although you can't think your way into good living, you can live your way into good thinking. That's hard to parse, I know, but it's basically a more complicated version of "fake it 'til you make it." I stopped waiting for the person I was going to somehow become and started acting like the person I wanted to be, which meant just doing stuff and hoping my mind followed. Largely, it has worked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I live in a house full of negativity and anger, and everywhere I turn there is something bad happening. I've posted some of the stuff before, and it really does come down to the little things that are going to make me lose my rag - my stuff being stolen, being kept up at night, etc. - as they just pile on top of the big things. Escape isn't an option just yet. Soon (within the next 6 months, hopefully), but not yet. I came off antidepressants a couple of months ago, and gave up chasing counselling, and all my usual coping mechanisms are failing. I'm getting daily stress headaches, I'm tired, quiet, moody at work. I can feel myself reaching breaking point, and I know I'll do something I'll regret. I worked hard to get away from my past and be a better person, but since being back in this situation, I can feel myself slipping back, being more like the people around me, which is the most upsetting thing of all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spring Bass Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I'm so sorry, Dracarya. That sucks. I feel kind of bad mentioning that I was happy to actually feel angry and irritated today at work. It almost felt warm after days of apathy and anxiety muddling up everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HexMachina Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Is it feasible for you to leave for a few days Dracarya? Like, check into a cheap hotel with your SO for a bit? Sounds like you need a break, and since you can't get away completely yet, something temporary might help for a while. Not sure if this is any use to you or not but thought I'd offer the advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I'm sorry Drac :( Hang in there mate, you'll get your own place soon enough (internet hugs)I'm so sorry, Dracarya. That sucks. I feel kind of bad mentioning that I was happy to actually feel angry and irritated today at work. It almost felt warm after days of apathy and anxiety muddling up everything.i never like being irritated but sometimes i really relish being angry, it happens so rarely that it would have to be something pretty bad to justify it and sometimes i just want someone to start a fight with me so i can lash out and be angry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Is it feasible for you to leave for a few days Dracarya? Like, check into a cheap hotel with your SO for a bit? Sounds like you need a break, and since you can't get away completely yet, something temporary might help for a while. Not sure if this is any use to you or not but thought I'd offer the advice We are going away for Christmas, thank the gods, but it feels like forever away. Money is a bit tight at the moment, but it's definitely an idea. We tend to spend weekends at mine too (it is actually preferable to his, as we have the use of another room other than the bedroom), but I might just stay at his one night this weekend, gets me out of here for a bit at least - even if I do have to deal with his family and their crap instead. Sigh. I might see if it's feasible for us to have a couple of days off work and get away in October - his graduation is on the 15th, and then the Gollancz festival is that weekend. So maybe we could work something out around then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HexMachina Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 We are going away for Christmas, thank the gods, but it feels like forever away. Money is a bit tight at the moment, but it's definitely an idea. We tend to spend weekends at mine too (it is actually preferable to his, as we have the use of another room other than the bedroom), but I might just stay at his one night this weekend, gets me out of here for a bit at least - even if I do have to deal with his family and their crap instead. Sigh. I might see if it's feasible for us to have a couple of days off work and get away in October - his graduation is on the 15th, and then the Gollancz festival is that weekend. So maybe we could work something out around then. Hope you get something sorted. I know what it's like to feel that need to get away for a while, and I do 't even have the issues with my family that you have. So I can only imagine how frustrated it must make you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Tyrion I Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I live in a house full of negativity and anger, and everywhere I turn there is something bad happening. I've posted some of the stuff before, and it really does come down to the little things that are going to make me lose my rag - my stuff being stolen, being kept up at night, etc. - as they just pile on top of the big things. Escape isn't an option just yet. Soon (within the next 6 months, hopefully), but not yet. I came off antidepressants a couple of months ago, and gave up chasing counselling, and all my usual coping mechanisms are failing. I'm getting daily stress headaches, I'm tired, quiet, moody at work. I can feel myself reaching breaking point, and I know I'll do something I'll regret. I worked hard to get away from my past and be a better person, but since being back in this situation, I can feel myself slipping back, being more like the people around me, which is the most upsetting thing of all. Feel better soon! My thoughts are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lummel Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I live in a house full of negativity and anger, and everywhere I turn there is something bad happening. I've posted some of the stuff before, and it really does come down to the little things that are going to make me lose my rag - my stuff being stolen, being kept up at night, etc. - as they just pile on top of the big things... It may not be the best time for this if there’s nothing to emotions except sensations plus thinking, it follows that nothing you could ever experience in life, no matter how terrible, will ever be anything more than a bunch of thoughts, plus a few physical sensations. And you can probably handle that. Telling you that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger sounds more than trite, particularly when you feel yourself being dragged into the dark side, but on the plus you are conscious of it and conscious that its not where you want to be. If you can't get away, is there some refuge where you can recharge your psychic batteries - a park bench where you can sit in peace for a while, a library or museum where no-one will bother you and you can spend some time for free, or perhaps you could volunteer for some charity or something like that just to give yourself a change of air and mix with people who (hopefully) don't grind and grate on you and so give yourself a bit of recovery time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 It may not be the best time for this Telling you that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger sounds more than trite, particularly when you feel yourself being dragged into the dark side, but on the plus you are conscious of it and conscious that its not where you want to be. If you can't get away, is there some refuge where you can recharge your psychic batteries - a park bench where you can sit in peace for a while, a library or museum where no-one will bother you and you can spend some time for free, or perhaps you could volunteer for some charity or something like that just to give yourself a change of air and mix with people who (hopefully) don't grind and grate on you and so give yourself a bit of recovery time? Yeah I do this when I can, think I need to do more of it. I like staying in my pyjamas at the weekend and vegging out with my SO, but with the tensions in the house, I feel like I have to go out all the time. I'm at work all week anyway, I'm tired, and then I don't have a home where I can relax. I know it's a small thing, but it really irritates me. The weathers meant to be nice tomorrow, maybe we could get out for a few hours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The King in Black Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Yeah I do this when I can, think I need to do more of it. I like staying in my pyjamas at the weekend and vegging out with my SO, but with the tensions in the house, I feel like I have to go out all the time. I'm at work all week anyway, I'm tired, and then I don't have a home where I can relax. I know it's a small thing, but it really irritates me. The weathers meant to be nice tomorrow, maybe we could get out for a few hours. Find a zone for yourself. It can be anything: A resteraunt, a library, even your car. It should serve as your very own personal space ; one where chances of bumping into acquaintences are minimal. The objective is to just have time and space to you, for you; even if it is a busy public space, you can be by yourself with nobody to come disturb you. That's something that helps me. In the end, you don't really need isolation as much as solitude , so I used to just go visit new resteraunts alone and be there for some time by myself. No need to do any activity or even think ; just sitting by myself would rejuvinate me, make me feel much better ( a library is the best option for such a space ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Tower of Almond Joy Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Hello Everyone! How are you doing today? Good I hope! I read this thread every day, although I have not been posting. Working up my nerve to do that. I am very shy, more so on the internet. I'm fine when it comes to giving advice, but when it comes to what is going on with me, well that's a different story... Has anyone heard from the OP, Asharya Tarstark? I am concerned that she has not posted since she started this thread. Ashara, please come back and check in and let us you are ok. Just a Hi will do. You don't have to write anything if you don't want to. And while you are here, get some big 'ol squishy internet hugs from your friends. ; D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Find a zone for yourself. It can be anything: A resteraunt, a library, even your car. It should serve as your very own personal space ; one where chances of bumping into acquaintences are minimal. The objective is to just have time and space to you, for you; even if it is a busy public space, you can be by yourself with nobody to come disturb you. That's something that helps me. In the end, you don't really need isolation as much as solitude , so I used to just go visit new resteraunts alone and be there for some time by myself. No need to do any activity or even think ; just sitting by myself would rejuvinate me, make me feel much better ( a library is the best option for such a space ) I definitely feel this way more since having a car again. I know I can walk out the door and get away if necessary, which definitely helps. My problem is that I need to have that. I'm desperate for a home again, one I feel safe and welcome in, one I don't need to have an escape plan for. *breathes* Only a few more months - and these suggestions will help in the meantime. I've been here for a year now, I can deal with a bit longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Drac. :grouphug: Do you have other friends, outside of the immediate family circle, with whom you can socialise and rely on and relax in their company for a few hours? Other than that, I do hope you manage to get away at least for a few days. I admire your strength and I trust you can survive some time more until you can move out. Good luck and all my sympathies for your situation. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Drac our situations are very different in a lot of ways but I can totally relate both to the exhaustion that comes with home not being a refuge and with feeling you are being dragged back to a past you have struggled to get away from. I had what was pretty close to a total breakdown last week. I've mostly pulled myself together again now but it's a constant stuggle. I just try and always have something lined up that I can really look forward to so I can walk towards just getting to x date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Hello Everyone! How are you doing today? Good I hope! I read this thread every day, although I have not been posting. Working up my nerve to do that. I am very shy, more so on the internet. I'm fine when it comes to giving advice, but when it comes to what is going on with me, well that's a different story... Has anyone heard from the OP, Asharya Tarstark? I am concerned that she has not posted since she started this thread. Ashara, please come back and check in and let us you are ok. Just a Hi will do. You don't have to write anything if you don't want to. And while you are here, get some big 'ol squishy internet hugs from your friends. ; D I'm doing better than I was. I've tried to keep busy this week. And if I stay occupied I handle things a lot better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Hello Everyone! How are you doing today? Good I hope! I read this thread every day, although I have not been posting. Working up my nerve to do that. I am very shy, more so on the internet. I'm fine when it comes to giving advice, but when it comes to what is going on with me, well that's a different story... Has anyone heard from the OP, Asharya Tarstark? I am concerned that she has not posted since she started this thread. Ashara, please come back and check in and let us you are ok. Just a Hi will do. You don't have to write anything if you don't want to. And while you are here, get some big 'ol squishy internet hugs from your friends. ; D I noticed OP hadn't made an appearence again. Hope you're okay, Asharya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The King in Black Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 :grouphug: to Drac and Asharya Guys, I can't work. No matter how hard I try I just can't. A really important presentation is up for this Monday, I don't have a lot of time, but every damn time o sit down to work I get to damn nervous and anxious. How do you deal with tension and anxiety at the same time ? I literally can't get anything done, so any help will be appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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