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You're the Head of a Noble House - Riverlands Edition IV


James Steller

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Imagine you're the Lord of a Noble House in the Riverlands (assume that it's been around since the Targaryen Conquest, 159 years ago). You're a seventeen-year old, and the only surviving son of your father, a noble lord who bravely (and maybe foolishly) joined in Daeron I's conquest of Dorne, and stayed on as a garrison commander. You were considered too young at the time, squiring for Lord Mallister, who also knighted you six months ago.

Now, however, terrible news has been revealed: your father is dead, murdered by the Dornish, and you are now the head of your family. Your surviving relatives are made up of your mother, aged 36, your father's brother, aged 33, your sister, aged 18, and your father's bastard, aged 12.

All of them have been devastated by your father's death. Your sister, who has never been close with you, has taken it hardest of all, and urges you to go south and avenge his death. You have the smallest of doubts about the motives behind her suggestion, given what she has to gain should you die. Your uncle, meanwhile, is urging you to stay, but you are intimidated by his reputation as a great knight.

Your mother, meanwhile, is pushing you to send your father's bastard away to the Silent Sisters. She understandably hates her, seeing her as an ugly and wayward brat, but you have always seen her as the younger sister you never had. She is devoted to you, and hopes you will look after her.

Meanwhile, your mother also says you should marry as soon as possible. Several lords have come forward as a result. Lord Blackwood and Lord Bracken both offer their only daughters as potential wives, Lord Darry suggests his eldest or his middle daughters, depending on which you like better, and Lord Frey invites you to the Twins to take your pick of his four daughters. Also, Lord Mallister has offered his heir to wed your sister. He asks you, being the head of your house, but you know that your sister despises the heir. On the other hand, Lord Piper, an old yet robust man, has recently lost his first wife and children to a sickness and is interested in wedding your sister as well, who is almost a third his age.

But what none of these lords know, however, is that you were smitten a long time ago, as a young squire in Seagard. You and the castellan's youngest daughter were loves for the last two years (you were in fact meeting her in secret a week before you returned home to receive the news of your new lordship). Now this girl, who is almost sixteen, has recently travelled to your castle in great secrecy, saying that she is pregnant with your child. You are aware that if you marry her, you will disgrace your family name and insult your fellow lords. If you take her in, you will likely embarrass your mother and new wife, whomever she is. And if you abandon her to Seagard, not only will it break both your hearts, but she and her child will fall under the claws of your sister, should you marry her to the heir, or the heir himself, if you refuse the offer of marriage.

 

How do you run this household?

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Hurray, these scenarios are back!

Alright, first things first. I'm not going to Dorne. If my father was stupid enough to go south with Daeron, then so be it, but spare me from that desert death trap.

My sister might have ulterior motives for wanting me gone, though I'm not sure why my uncle should be considered a threat, seeing as he's giving me sensible advice. I'll make sure to keep him at arm's length though, just in case.

My mother means well, and she's right to be pissed at my Dad's infidelity, but the girl didn't ask to be born a bastard, and I won't send her to the Silent Sisters unless she wants to go. I'll look after her and see if I can get her a nice guy to marry her and treat her well.

But yeah, now for that situation you seem to have set in place to screw us up no matter what. But I'll go with what I'd likely do.

I'll keep the love of my life in the keep somewhere, and look after her as best I can. I don't want to pick a side in the Blackwood/Bracken feud and the Freys are the Freys so I'll pick one of Lord Darry's daughters. My sister will go to Seagard, because I owe the Mallisters big time for how they raised me and knighted me. I'm going to assume that the heir is actually a good guy who likes my sister, but she sticks her nose up at him because he's her younger brother's best friend. Hopefully they can make things work out.

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Fuck my sister, I will stay. Stay, and marry the youngest Frey of the four. I will send my bastard sister (the literal bastard, not the other one) to a village close to my castle, where her mother lives, and help them both in whatever they need. Marry the sister to Lord Piper, because she deserves it.

And the girl I love... well, she will understand all this shit I going through. Let her safe in Seagard, Lord Mallister is a nice man. She can see me when she wants, secretly, of course.

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Let her safe in Seagard, Lord Mallister is a nice man.

A nice man who you turned down after all he did for you. He and his son will both dislike the snub, and apparently the heir knows about your lover, so if you send her to Seagard he's gonna make the poor girl's life a living hell.

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A nice man who you turned down after all he did for you. He and his son will both dislike the snub, and apparently the heir knows about your lover, so if you send her to Seagard he's gonna make the poor girl's life a living hell.

Oh, sure... the guy who made this is really serious, I spent eight minutes thinking. This is rare.

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Fuck my sister, I will stay. Stay, and marry the youngest Frey of the four. I will send my bastard sister (the literal bastard, not the other one) to a village close to my castle, where her mother lives, and help them both in whatever they need. Marry the sister to Lord Piper, because she deserves it.

 

Thought you were going to go all Lannister on us there for a minute

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I stay to rule my lands, my father's folly created this mess in the first place and I will be damned if my house will fall into disarray by following his example.

First I tell my mother to know her place, if I need her advise I will ask for it, I am not sending away my sister to make her feel better.

Meanwhile I ask the Targaryen crown, on behalf of my late father who bravely died in their service, to legitimize my bastard sister as a member of my house so that I can find her a suitable husband in due time.

I tell Lord Mallister that my newly legitimized sister will gladly marry his heir, and thank him for the honor of bring our two families closer. I offer a rather large dowry to help convince him that the match is better than my older sister.

I then marry my older sister to Lord Piper. Being that his wife and children all died, my sister's children will inherit the House Piper.

I thank the Lords Braken, Blackwood, Frey and Darry, but tell them that I am not ready to wed yet. None of their marriages offer much in the way of prestige or power so I wait for a better offer. I offer instead my uncle to wed the second daughter of Lord Darry/ or a Frey daughter, which ever accepts. I give my uncle the position of Man-at-Arms in my hold and pay him handsomely to serve an protect the family.

I tell my mistress that she can come to my hold and give her a job in the household and take care of her and my child, publicly accepting the child as my bastard. But I do not marry her.

 

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Okay,

My father died in a battle to where he wanted to go, so how could I avenge him? Go to Dorne and shout "Who killed my father?! I challenge him!" ? Also I'm young so probably have not enough skills to slaughter every Dornishmen. Battles and deaths are ordinary things in our Westeros. So I stay at home.

Since I like my father's bastard as my sister, I won't send her away. If my mother doesn't like this then I tell her to go marry and live with the old Lord Piper :D Maybe she can still give birth to a child. So my half-sister stays with us, and later I find her someone as a husband.

My sister doesn't like the Mallister heir, so if I suppose that I like my sister, then I won't send her to Seagard. However it would be great deal to our House, so I try to convince her to give the boy a chance.

What would the other Lords say if I take my bastard in? I don't really care much, there always were and will be bastards in Westeros, it's not a big deal. So I tell the Lords that "See? I can produce an heir!" So I take them in, have sexy time with the girl in secret till I marry, but then she can stay there only as some kind of a servant coz I have to take care about my House and marry a noble woman. But also I will take care about my bastard if she really is pregnant.

So I take the Blackwood girl.

And my father's brother, my uncle? Let's drink somethig.

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As the lord of the house, as the person in the leadership position, I cannot put my wants and my desires ahead of my duties.  The Castellan's daughter went into the relationship knowing the potential consequences.  This will cause hardship for her.  I will mitigate her hardships and offer assistance, if I can.  But my duty to my family tells me I need to ally with a powerful house.  The Freys and the Darrys were the powerful ones of that time.  I would pick the daughter of one house. 

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First off, not going to Dorne, not no way, not no how. I tell my sister that as much as I wish to avenge my father’s death, he would not have me run blindly into the desert to die as he did. What is paramount is keeping our House afloat.

 

I am not sending my Rivers sister to be a Silent Sister. I tell my mother that although I understand her hate for the girl, she is a remnant of our late father and she shares my blood, and she is not going to be sent to the Silent Sisters. If my mother bridles and threatens violence on her, I tell her that the Sisters might be glad to take an older initiate. (By the way, if my sister balks, same implicit threat.) With that said, I tell my Rivers sister that she should probably think about keeping her distance from my lady mother.

 

I take my bastard son into my house. I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t. But my overlord’s House words are ringing in my head: family, duty, honor. So I have to break it off with the castellan’s daughter, but I tell her that if she wishes, I will grant her a small plot of land for her and our son, and that when he comes of age, he can be sent to squire and eventually become a knight in our household.

 

As for the marriage proposals, I don’t want to piss off either Bracken or Blackwood by picking a side. The Freys, I feel, bring way too much baggage. I suppose one of the Darry daughters will have to do. Of course, I’d like a bit more detail into their personalities. ;)

 

My sister goes with the Mallister heir. She may hate him, but she will eventually be the Lady of Seagard, and there are far worse fates to be had. (With that said, I do wonder if maybe I ought to write the king about legitimizing my bastard sister, so she may marry Lord Piper if he's amenable?)

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I am not sending my Rivers sister to be a Silent Sister. I tell my mother that although I understand her hate for the girl, she is a remnant of our late father and she shares my blood, and she is not going to be sent to the Silent Sisters. If my mother bridles and threatens violence on her, I tell her that the Sisters might be glad to take an older initiate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoIHQbs_TKg

(It was also fun reading your response in Frasier's voice, with a touch of Tom Kane from "Boss")

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoIHQbs_TKg

(It was also fun reading your response in Frasier's voice, with a touch of Tom Kane from "Boss")

All boys of House Crane squire for House Kane. Except for the one that ended up squiring for House Costanza. He came back and all he could say were the Costanza house words: "Serenity now!"

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I would send my "honourable" uncle to dorne to take my father's place in order to "avenge" him and keep ib the crown's good books. 

I'd marry off the castellian's daughter to a trusted household knight with many lovers. Promising him gold and position for his discretion, maybe send him to Dorne too... XD

With the crown on my side I'd attempt to legitimise and marry off my half-sister to Lord Piper, failing that to another household knight. 

Then for the legitimate children I'd host a feast and invite suitors and their families to court my sister and I, this could also serve to display the prestige of our house. My sister can choose a husband for herself amongst the men present. Mother can suck a lemon. I'd pick the girl with the most prestige... and the nicest ass. XD

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First, I send my uncle to Dorne to retrieve my father's bones, it is highly honorable task, it will grant the whole family some comfort and by the time he is back I will consolidate my power so he doesn't get any funny ideas

Next I marry the eldest daughter of Lord Darry, but I keep my bastard child and his mother in the castle.

Sister is definetly going to Seagard, and mother can be broached about marrying Lord Piper when they both finish mourning.

Bastard sister will remain at home and in time will get suitable marriage.

P.S. I am so glad these are back, I was missing them, great job man.

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Okay so to begin, I am definitely not going to Dorne. My sister can screw if she thinks she can get rid of me so easily. As far as Unc, he can be named Master at Arms if he wishes, I'd like to keep him around.

 

As a member of House Tully I do not need young Bran Stark to remind me of our words "Family. Duty. Honor." Family comes first. I respectfully decline the other lord's offers and I marry the girl from Seagard. Seeing the problems firsthand between my mother and younger sister, I want to avoid the bastard problem. The child will be raised as my heir and I begin working on the spare.

 

My bastard sister stays at Riverrun and is given a lady's education. I could try to petition the King for her legitimizing, but it seems unlikely. Perhaps with my father's service, but if not she's still my family.

 

I marry my sister to Lord Mallister's heir. I let my friend know what he's getting himself into with a woman that doesn't like him. If my younger sister is legitimized I offer her hand in place, but this alliance gets sealed.

 

If my mother continues to be a problem with my younger sister, I begin to see if Lord Piper would consider an older bride, after all a flower bloomed is still a flower.

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Well, I am a cautious man. I am suspicious of this honorable uncle even if his intentions are good. I will send him to Dorne as a emissary to retrieve my father's bones with a small escort to keep him safe. By the time he comes back, I hope to secure my rule over my holdfast. IF the Crown needs my help, I will send a larger retinue with him in case to represent my house. I will tell my sister to not let her emotions get the best of her and that going to Dorne would be stupid now. 

I will tell my mother that though I love her, she is not the ruler of this castle. I love my bastard sister and she loves me, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. However, if she wants to go and join them on her own free will, then she can. If she wants to stay, then she will stay. Hell, I might even look at a few minor houses that will amicable to have my sister as his wife. 

I don't want to pick a side in the Blackwood and Bracken feud. Despite the Freys reputation now, we don't know the personality of the Head of that house during this era. He might be a nice or greedy or cruel or weak - I just don't know. So I'll pick the safe choice and marry a daughter of Lord Darry. I would wed my sister to Lord Mallister's heir. She needs to do her duty and it would be good to send her away from influencing my castle. 

Tons of lords have bastards so it doesn't really matter. I fathered the child before I was married, so the slight won't be as bad. I will acknowledge the child when it is born (they will stay in my castle) and set up her mother with a cottage out of sight.  

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Imagine you're the Lord of a Noble House in the Riverlands (assume that it's been around since the Targaryen Conquest, 159 years ago). You're a seventeen-year old, and the only surviving son of your father, a noble lord who bravely (and maybe foolishly) joined in Daeron I's conquest of Dorne, and stayed on as a garrison commander. You were considered too young at the time, squiring for Lord Mallister, who also knighted you six months ago.

Now, however, terrible news has been revealed: your father is dead, murdered by the Dornish, and you are now the head of your family. Your surviving relatives are made up of your mother, aged 36, your father's brother, aged 33, your sister, aged 18, and your father's bastard, aged 12.

All of them have been devastated by your father's death. Your sister, who has never been close with you, has taken it hardest of all, and urges you to go south and avenge his death. You have the smallest of doubts about the motives behind her suggestion, given what she has to gain should you die. Your uncle, meanwhile, is urging you to stay, but you are intimidated by his reputation as a great knight.

Your mother, meanwhile, is pushing you to send your father's bastard away to the Silent Sisters. She understandably hates her, seeing her as an ugly and wayward brat, but you have always seen her as the younger sister you never had. She is devoted to you, and hopes you will look after her.

Meanwhile, your mother also says you should marry as soon as possible. Several lords have come forward as a result. Lord Blackwood and Lord Bracken both offer their only daughters as potential wives, Lord Darry suggests his eldest or his middle daughters, depending on which you like better, and Lord Frey invites you to the Twins to take your pick of his four daughters. Also, Lord Mallister has offered his heir to wed your sister. He asks you, being the head of your house, but you know that your sister despises the heir. On the other hand, Lord Piper, an old yet robust man, has recently lost his first wife and children to a sickness and is interested in wedding your sister as well, who is almost a third his age.

But what none of these lords know, however, is that you were smitten a long time ago, as a young squire in Seagard. You and the castellan's youngest daughter were loves for the last two years (you were in fact meeting her in secret a week before you returned home to receive the news of your new lordship). Now this girl, who is almost sixteen, has recently travelled to your castle in great secrecy, saying that she is pregnant with your child. You are aware that if you marry her, you will disgrace your family name and insult your fellow lords. If you take her in, you will likely embarrass your mother and new wife, whomever she is. And if you abandon her to Seagard, not only will it break both your hearts, but she and her child will fall under the claws of your sister, should you marry her to the heir, or the heir himself, if you refuse the offer of marriage.ne 

How do you run this household?

I will mourn my father but I will not trouble myself further with the Dornish.  Vengeance will do me no good as I now have to step up and rule. I will however allow my uncle and some knights to seek the identity of my father's killer and the manner in which it happened.  Also to make sure my father's body will be returned to the Riverlands for burial. Depending on how my father died might do something in time but first I must focus on my lordship.

 I will also ignore any more idiotic advice from my sister or mother for that matter. I am the Lord now and I will rule as I see fit. It's clear my sister and I don't see eye to eye so marrying her off would be the first order of business. I tell her the opinions between Lord Mallister's heir and Lord Piper. Considering her hatred of the Mallister heir she would likely choose Lord Piper. After all her children would rule after her and Lord Piper is old. Making her Lady Piper would help reign any ambitions she should have for my seat. I would of course apologize profusely to Lord Mallister but since he is basically my foster father I am sure we will remain on good terms.

Next I will marry one of Lord Darry's daughters. No one in their right mind would get caught in the middle of the Blackwood/Bracken feud. The Darry's are an old and powerful house and close to House Targaryen. I would meet with both his daughters and choose one of them. Probably the hot one but say one is very clever I might choose her instead (not a lot of info to go on). I would also ask Lord Darry to help me with the problem of my younger sister. Knowing the Darry loyalty to the crown I would ask if he would talk to the King in order to legitimize my younger sister. I would also note it would have pleased my father would died valiantly (at least I hope) against the Dornish. Also I will get my new bride with child as soon as possible. Nothing brings stability like an heir.

Now that my younger sister is legitimized I would offer her to Lord Mallister heir. I assume my father and Lord Mallister were friends (why else did I squire at Seaguard?) I explained that it was my father's wish that she be legitimized. Perhaps my mother would be wroth with my bastard sister being legitimized but now that my sister is gone to Seaguard there is little she can do about it. I might send her to the Silent Sisters if she continues to harass me or perhaps marry her off again.

Now to the delicate issue of my lover... I must do my duty to my family.  I regretfully ask her to return to Seaguard where my sister and my friend the heir would attempt to find a good marriage for her. 

Finally once my uncle returns with news and I decide what to do with the Dornish question. Also if my uncle (Blackfish??) is still unmarried I will see if Lord Frey still has daughters he needs wed. If he is already wed I will ensure he has an important role say Master at Arms at my castle or at one of my allied houses if he so prefers.

(BTW James I really like these, please do more.)

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