386 replies to this topic

[Lord Qyburn]

Any chance we could get this started again? It was one of my favourite topics back when I was but a wee lurker on the old board.

What is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger.

[Monboddo]

To be honest, I think if anyone else wrote ASOIAF, it would suck.

I'm a very succinct literary critic. :P

[Doran Doran]

Piers Anthony could handle it, I think. The man who wrote such deathless epics as The Color of Her Panties should be right at home with all the incest and kiddie fondling.

[DrownedCrow]

If it were written by Robert Jordan (ok so its been done before)...

....A number of characters would have to grow their hair out, in order to sustain the braid-tuggings to page ratio of between 30 and 40, the norm for the Wheel of Time series. In fact all female characters would have to pitch in to some degree. It wouldn't hurt if one or two became radical feminists either.  However, the amount of lesbian action(post-AFFC) is just about dead on.

[Frank Stark]

By Terry Goodkind...

The Others are actually misguided followers of a corrupt despot who keeps them in line by pretending to run a "true" Communist society.  Bran is actually going north of the Wall to lecture them all on the merits of capitolism and democracy.

[Werthead]

By David Eddings...

The Others aren't that bad really! They're just misunderstood nice chaps. If Jon just sat down and chatted to the chief Other, then he could completely bring him around to Jon's way of thinking in about six minutes. Jon would then give him a nudge and a wink and set him up with Melisandre.

Meanwhile, Myrcella would actually turn out be the avatar of a cute pixie-goddess, transform into a floating gem thing, and then giggle a lot and say "It doesn't matter about the incest, Mum, I love you anyway!"

The books would also be about half the size as Eddings more 'concise' powers of description take over ("King's Landing was a big city, the Wall was a really big wall, Tyrion was short"). However, there would be a sequel series in which exactly the same plot unfolded, merely removed to a slightly different-looking continent.

[Bran's Muffin]

If it were written by JK Rowling...

There would only be one POV but lots of "cute"/"annoying" sidekick characters. Each book would have a new teacher-type person who would die/turn evil/lose his memory/have his mask ripped off and revealed to be Petyr Baelish who would've gotten away with it to if it weren't for you meddling kids, by the end of said book to make room for the next book's teacher-type person. And there would be A WHOLE LOT MORE SHOUTING GOING ON!

Edited by strangerface, 28 November 2005 - 03:21 PM.

[Frank Stark]

"be Petyr Baelish who would've gotten away with it to if it weren't for you meddling kids"

Absolutely hilarious!  I keep telling people Harry Potter plotlines remind me of Scooby Doo, and all I get are blank looks.

[BranTheBuilder]

If written by Umberto Eco, it would be twice as long and we would have all given up after the massive digressions concerning the precise history of EVERYTHING EVER in the first 3 "chapters"

If written by James Joyce, the critics would love it, but noone would be able to read more than 5 pages in a single sitting... without going completely insane!

[Andhaira]

If written by robin hobb the story would be from the pov of Jon, who would have gone to train under the faceless men as an assassin instead of arya, along with his direwolf ghost. He would have been the most powerful warg and most skilled assassin in existance.  The others would turn out to be people who had their souls stolen from them via dark witchery! The novels would be increadibly depressing however...so much so that only the most dead hearted would be able to read them.

(oh and jon would spend every novel trying to woo a new girl, only to have her die, or marry someone else i the end.)

[Roose Bolton's Pet Leech]

From A Portrait of the Maester as a Young Man by James Joyce (author of Baratheon's Wake)...

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a dragon coming along down the Kingsroad and this dragon that was coming down along the Kingsroad met a nicens little boy named baby Aemon...
His father told him that story: his father looked at him through a glass: he had a hairy face.
He was baby Aemon. The dragon came down the road where Bob Baratheon lived: he sold lemon cakes.

A bear there was,
A bear, a bear

He sang that song. That was his song.

All black and brown and covered with hair

Edited by Roose_Bolton's_Pet_Leech, 28 November 2005 - 07:05 PM.

[Carmius]

Ah yes, I remember. One of my friends and I were working on "The Usual Lannisters" though it didn't get too far.

"The greatest trick the Others ever pulled was convincing Westeros they didn't exist"

[High Septon]

I lurked through the thread at the other message board as well, it was absolutely hilarious  :) We're not worthy.

Written by George Orwell...
The only PoV would be Jon Snow, who lives his life on the Wall defending the realm against the perpetual threat of the Others, strengthened by the eternal wars and chaos in Westeros. Every day, Jon and his brothers devotes twenty minutes of hate to the treacherous Petyr Baelish, who really is in league with the Others.
However, Jon has his doubts about the Other existence, and ends up joining a rebel group called the Wildlings, and falls in love with a girl called Ygritte. But...

Jon: They caught you as well, Mance
Mance: They caught me long ago, Jon.
(Jon suffers through horrible torture for his thought-crime)
Mance: You see, Jon, you're right; the Others does not really exist. ICE is FIRE. For you to fully understand the beauty of this, you must face your deepest nightmares.
(Jon is brought to Black Cell 101, where his stepmother appears)
Catelyn: It should have been you, Jon. It should have been you.
Jon: NOOO!

[Roose Bolton's Pet Leech]

High Septon, on Nov 29 2005, 13.32, said:

Written by George Orwell...
The only PoV would be Jon Snow, who lives his life on the Wall defending the realm against the perpetual threat of the Others, strengthened by the eternal wars and chaos in Westeros. Every day, Jon and his brothers devotes twenty minutes of hate to the treacherous Petyr Baelish, who really is in league with the Others.
However, Jon has his doubts about the Other existence, and ends up joining a rebel group called the Wildlings, and falls in love with a girl called Ygritte. But...

"Under the spreading weirwood tree, I sold you and you sold me."

:D  :D  :D

[Rob]

Andhaira, on Nov 28 2005, 17.03, said:

If written by robin hobb the story would be from the pov of Jon, who would have gone to train under the faceless men as an assassin instead of arya, along with his direwolf ghost. He would have been the most powerful warg and most skilled assassin in existance.  The others would turn out to be people who had their souls stolen from them via dark witchery! The novels would be increadibly depressing however...so much so that only the most dead hearted would be able to read them.

(oh and jon would spend every novel trying to woo a new girl, only to have her die, or marry someone else i the end.)

I figured if it were written by Robin Hobb it would be about the angst Jon and Bran feel for being a warg (having the Wit, perhaps).  They will never truly master their skill but will always encounter those better than them at it.  There would be no battles over succession, Skilled would get it.  Varys would be turned into a prophet.

It would not change in that many people would die and/or be tortured.

[Werthead]

As written by George Lucas.

A Feast for Crows would be the first book released and would be very good and quite revolutionary. A Dance with Dragons (actually fleshed out by Irvin Kershner) would be astonishingly good, a classic of the highest order and would attract the greatest praise. Lucas would suddenly feel an urge to chop three books off the end of the series and finish instead with The Winds of Winter (co-written with a random Welsh bloke). Critics are divided about the Others being defeated by an alliance between the Night's Watch and a race of cute teddy bears.

George Lucas would then wait 16 years until his brain cells had started decaying and write A Game of Thrones. Children enjoy the book, but adult readers are confused and disgusted by the presence of a comedy CGI creature who keeps blocking the narrative flow ("The things I do for love..." "OH! MEESAR BRANNY, NO SHOULD BE CLIMBING UP BIG TREE!" "Sh!t!"). The happy ending where Ned lives also seems curiously out of place.

And so on...

[Lord Qyburn]

So far every bit as funny as the last one, keep it up!

[TolAddict]

What if A Song of Ice and Fire was written by a female author who's actually pretty good, like Ursula K. le Guin? Or maybe Anne McCaffery?

[Lord Qyburn]

TolAddict, on Nov 28 2005, 20.40, said:

What if A Song of Ice and Fire was written by a female author who's actually pretty good, like Ursula K. le Guin? Or maybe Anne McCaffery?

If ASOIAF was written by Anne McCaffery, then Dany would be too busy agonizing over her feelings for Ser Jorah and playfully frolicking with her dragons to retake Westeros.

*Note that I have only ever read one Anne McCaffrey story.

[TolAddict]

Yeah, I agree, I don't quite think McCaffery would be the right person to take over A Song of Ice and Fire. I think le Guin would be a good read though, even though it would be a definite departure from Martin's style of writing.