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Goodkind XXX v.2.0: Coiled for Success


Larry.

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am I alone in snickering whenever I hear or see the name "Panis Rahl"? :smoking:

After your post you aren't.

Anyway, I've begun seriously appreciating other authors ever since my re-read of Naked Empire.

I mean, if you really want to wow a book critic, give them 3 pages of Naked Empire, then give them the book you want them to review, clearly stating that the two are different books, and you'll get a shining 5 star review and a statement "Clearly better than any non-fantasy novel!"

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"CAPTAIN SENSORS ARE DETECTING SOMETHING COMING UP IN THE NEXT 6 CHAPTERS AHEAD!" said the ensign of the S.S. Discord. It was nerve-wracking, navigating the wasteland of a Goodkind thread. They had narrowly a coil field, which looked like it needed to be uncoiled.

"Calm down ensign, what is it?" The Captain said, glancing at the scope.

"It appears to be another Deus Ex Machina!" Said the ensign, clearly worried.

"If we run into another Deus Ex Machina, we could be as crippled as if we where punched through the stomach, and our spine ripped out. Lets hope we don't run into another almost-rape at least, or we could be as crippled as a preteen girl kicked in the jaw." Thought the Captain, who was thinking dark Captain thoughts.

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Uh, lets see....Dick gets a message from Jagang to have a meeting. Apparently he has Ann's journey book and sent the message through that to Verna's book.

Verna had been totally surprised by the contact. Richard had not. He had been expecting it. In fact, he was the one who had asked Verna to check in her journey book for a message.
In fact, nobody is allowed to have an idea except Dick. Then Dick meets with Jagang (not really him, just him in the mind of one of his stooges), and Jagang issues the usual threats. People are going to be raped and tortured and die horribly. Blah blah blah, nothing new. But Dick has the opportunity to surrender and spare the people, but him and Kahlan have to die and Nicci has to be handed over to Jagang. Dick tells him that he'll think about it. In the meantime he needs to get his ass to the underworld.
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So where was I? Oh yeah, Dick is going to the underworld so he summons Denna to go with him. That's right, her spirit. As he goes in with Denna, that monster that's been following him shows up and chases him into the underworld. Big trouble for Dick. As they fight the monster Dick does something risky, I guess, and Denna can't help him any longer and she's afraid he won't be able to find his way back to the world of the living and she leaves. Despite the battle they have a very touching moment. Suddenly Dick finds himself.....wait for it....in the spirit hut of the Mud People!!!! OMG!!! But it gets better. Outside the spirit house is Rachel!! And Chase!!!! Holy Crap!!! Chase and Rachel had both been sent there by their respective dead mothers to meet Dick and get him to Tamarang. Chase brought horses, but Gratch had to leave. No touching meeting between Dick and Gratch. Aww.

Finally we see Zedd again. Him and Rikka and Tom got their asses kicked by Six, despite all of Zedd's talk about how to take on a witch. Their in a prison in the Tamarang castle, which happens to be the exact same cell where Dick was in Phantom, which means.....First Wizard Baraccus' book "the Secret of a war wizard's power" is still in that cell where Dick hid it. Phew, what a relief. I really didn't know if he was going to get that book back, and I'm fairly certain that it's important.

Back in D'Hara everybody is boo hoo hooing because it's been ten days since Dick went to the underworld and hasn't come back. So they give him up for dead (such little faith these guys), so Nathan, as Lord Rahl, decides to go ahead with the surrender to the IO, and has Nicci put in a cell to await Jagang. Most unfortunate turn of events. Will Dick get back in time to save the day?

Kahlan is still with Samuel, who is being very creepy. At some point she touches the Sword of Truth, and that reawakens some kind of awareness of who she is. I don't know why really. But Sam tries to rape her and so she uses her power on him. Blam, no more Sam. He confesses to be working for Six and that was where he was taking Kahlan. Six is in Tamarang, so Sam was taking her there. Wait!! Zedd is in Tamarang, OMG and that's where Dick is going!!! OMG everything is starting to come together in a way that I never could have dreamed!!!!

Yup, whaddaya know. Dick is almost at Tamarang and bumps into Kahlan as she's coming the other direction. It's not quite the touching reunion, since Dick isn't allowed to tell her anything too emotional about their life together, so it's kind of awkward as Kahlan presses him for answers (while under her power Samuel told her that she and Dick were married), but Dick evades them, the need to press on to Tamarang is super important. Kahlan's all upset. Sitting around a campfire that night we're treated to a brief history of magic by Dick, all the way back to the great war, for anybody who may have forgotten (like Kahlan, as if she really needed to know all this). Blah blah blah, and while Kahlan sleeps, Dick slips a hand up her skirt for a quick slippery grope. Ha ha. Just making sure you were still paying attention to this drivel. While she sleeps Dick carves a little statue out of wood for her. A miniature of that statue "spirit" that she had before. It's touching, and I cried just a bit, it was sooooo beautiful. Her reaction is typically gushing.

It was a carving of a woman with her back arched, her head thrown back, and her hands fisted at her sides. It was the embodiment of the spirit of defiance against forces that would subdue her. It was a carving of nobility and strength..blah blah....Kahlan reverently lifted it from his hands and clutched it to her heart as she broke down in tears.

I need a break. More later.

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It was a carving of a woman with her back arched, her head thrown back, and her hands fisted at her sides. It was the embodiment of the spirit of defiance against forces that would subdue her. It was a carving of nobility and strength..blah blah....Kahlan reverently lifted it from his hands and clutched it to her heart as she broke down in tears.

I laughed. I cried. I retched. I laughed a little more. Then passed out from the drinking.

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:rolleyes:

More face-painting, a (mini) statue, and Kahlan is almost-raped again? :sick: Is this for real?

It's not complete without an evil chicken-that-is-not-a-chicken though. Or possibly other farm animals of destiny (e.g. noble goats).

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It was a carving of a woman with her back arched, her head thrown back, and her hands fisted at her sides. It was the embodiment of the spirit of defiance against forces that would subdue her. It was a carving of nobility and strength..blah blah....Kahlan reverently lifted it from his hands and clutched it to her heart as she broke down in tears.

:lmao:

They pay money for this? I think I have the wrong job. Seriously, like a 14 year old fangirl writing corny romance slash fic... on a bad day.

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All right, so Dick and Klan go to Tamarang and just walk right in to the palace and to the cell where Dick hid the book. Just walks right in. Zedd and co. are in the cell and woopie everybody is happy to see each other. Dick gets Zedd to touch the SoT so now he knows who Kahlan is. Blah blah blah. Dick gets the book and is really excited, because when he had it back in Phantom it appeared that all the pages were blank. He assumed this was because he had lost his powers, but now that his powers are back, all the pages are still blank. It's a big book full of blank pages. So...

Richard looked heartbroken, angry, and puzzled all at once. "I don't understand."

"Wizard Baraccus left you a wizard's rule."

"What wizard's rule?"

"The rule of all rules. The rule unwritten. The rule unspoken since the dawn of history."

Richard ran his fingers back through his hair. "We don't have time for riddles. What did he want me to know? What is the rule!"

Zedd shrugged. "I don't know. It's never been spoken, and has never been written.

"But Baraccus wanted you to know that it's the secret to using a war wizard's power. The only way to express it, to make sure that you would grasp what he was intending to tell you, was to give you a book unwritten to signify the rule unwritten."

Everybody get that?

Then Six shows up and is pretty pleased with having everybody there, but then Six's mother shows up. Yup, her mother. Six is pretty distressed at seeing the old woman. Mommy dearest starts telling Six how dissappointed she is with her, Six's skin starts to bubble and then Mommy tears Six's skin right off of her. Hooray. Then mommy shimmers and turns into Shota. Everyone is amazed. So Dick has to get back to D'Hara, and fortunately Shota has a dragon waiting for him.

But first he has to suit up.

More soon.

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I am very glad that i gave up after the first book. I started reading it, having heard about all the hype surrounding this guy, and i finished and went: thats it? It was lame.

Moose, you are a god for working your way through this drivel. A better man than i. And your avatar is great, because it looks like your about to let loose with some coiled fury.

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So Six was Shotas daughter...? Then why was sammy working for her? Also, why didnt Shota decide to reign in her little kiddo earlier? Should I even be asking these questions?

Oh, and one more. Why does touching Dicks sword make you remember Klan?

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And your avatar is great, because it looks like your about to let loose with some coiled fury.

That's fat Tairy squeezing out another volume.

So despite being in a big hurry to get back to D'Hara and save the day, Dick has to put on the war wizard outfit. Naturally, Kahlan gets all wet at the site of him.

He looked like Kahlan's idea of what a war wizard should look like. He looked like a commander of kings. He looked like Lord Rahl.
So they all head outside to where the dragon is waiting and Dick is dissappointed that it isn't Scarlet the Harlot. Dick has a little chat with the dragon and it turns out that this is Scarlet's son Gregory. Yup, that's right. For those of you who don't recall, Scarlet named her baby dragon "Gregory". I have nothing against the name Gregory, but for a dragon it sounds pretty damn stupid. Why not Dave? Or Joe? Allen? Mike? Wesley? Anyway, Greg has been told about Dick by his mom so he agrees to carry everyone to the People's Palace (except Shota, she stays behind for some reason we never learn). So Dick arrives at the palace and everybody is thrilled to see him, until he tells them that he is going to surrender to Jagang in order to spare everyone's lives. Then they get kinda mad.

Later, Dick is waiting for Jagang in the Garden of Life and he and Kahlan are blah blah blahing about history when Dick has a big revelation and suddenly everything makes perfect sense. Jagang and the Dark Sisters show up, Jagang makes some mean comments about Kahlan, and then goes to get Nicci, leaving the Sisters to begin the work with the boxes of Orden. When Jagang walks into Nicci's cell she claps a Rada'han around his neck. Betcha didn't see that coming. Nicci now has control over Jagang and starts taking him back to the Garden of Life. They walk in to find all the Sisters smiling, and so is Dick. I think he may be up to something. The sisters have opened one of the boxes, and just like when Darken Rahl opened one there are all these pretty lights, but that soon turns to darkness and the sisters realize that something is going wrong. Just like when Darken Rahl opened a box. And, just like when Darken Rahl opened a box, the time it will take to kill the sisters is about as long as it takes for Dick to explain to them why they are about to die. No more, no less. Dick tells them that the first line in the Book of Life (which, as you will no doubt recall is important to operating the boxes) is "Those who have come here to hate should leave now, for in their hatred they only betray themselves." Apparently if you open any of the boxes for any reason that isn't "good" you get killed. The Book of Counted Shadows was bullshit all along, it was a big trick to make sure that if the wrong kind of people tried to open a box, they would be dead meat or something. It takes Dick a few pages to explain it all, but that's the heart of it. As soon as he shuts up, all the Sister's are vaporized. Well timed, Dick. Dick and Jagang argue for a bit, quite pointlessly as Jagang screams about how righteous he is, and Dick trying to explain that Jagang is just a douche. At the end he gives a signal to Nicci and Jagang drops dead. So long Jagang.

After that, Dick takes the sword of truthiness, cuts his arm with it, and then starts touching the boxes of orden. The one and only time he says "blade be true this day." Now Dick is commanding all the power of orden and gives the only real speech of the book. He goes on for a few pages about embracing life/death, whatever, and creates a duplicate world. Yup. A new world. One is for Dick and all the good people, the other for the Order and all the bad people. Jennsen and all the other "pristinely ungifted" people decide to stay in the world for the Order, since that one has no magic. They don't want to contaminate Dicks new world or wipe out the magic that will be there. How noble.

"Wait a minute", you may be thinking (if this crap hasn't destroyed your ability to do so). "What about Chainfire? What about Kahlan's memories and the sterile field and all that shit?"

Here ya go: Kahlan stepped close, slipping an arem around his neck. "Richard, I love you."

Richard circled an arm around her wast, his feelings overwhelming him.

"I don't understand. It wouldn't work if the sterile field was breached with foreknowledge."

"I was proteccted," she said with a crooked smile.

Richard frowned. "Protected? How?"

"I had already fallen in love with you all over again. I didn't need a sterile field. I think that from the first moment I saw you in that cage as it rolled into the Order's camp I started falling in love with you. In everything you did, you revealed just what kind of man you are - the man I fell in love with so long ago, the man I married in the Mud People's villiage.

"When you gave me that carving of Spirit, it confirmed everything I had come to know all over again.

"Art reveals the artist's inner self. Art reveals a man's ideals, what he values. Anyone with that much reverence, that much passion for the nobility of the human spirit, could only be a man who shares my passion for life."

Did anyone else just vomit a little in the back of their throats?

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So Six was Shotas daughter...? Then why was sammy working for her? Also, why didnt Shota decide to reign in her little kiddo earlier? Should I even be asking these questions?

Nope. She was just using an illusion to appear that she was Six's mother. And Rachel's mother and Chase's mother I think. She was being sneaky to make sure that everything would fall together nicely.

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And now the moment you've all been waiting for:

Jennsen and Tom are married and living in the nasty world, but its not as nasty as it used to be. They have a farm and are pretty happy. Tom discusses big news:

"And I think the sow is going to have her litter any time now. I tell you, Betty is beside herself. The way her tail is wagging, I have the feeling that she thinks the piglets are going to be hers."

Betty, Jennsen's brown goat, loved her new home. She got to be newar Tom and Jennsen all the time and she could rule the roost. Betty had a couple of horses she was in love with, a mule she tolerated, and chickens that were beneath her. She would soon have her own kids.

So, Betty is into pigs and horses. Neat. But ofcourse she knows that chickens are evil.

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Betty had a couple of horses she was in love with, a mule she tolerated, and chickens that were beneath her. She would soon have her own kids.

It actually says that?! :rofl:

So is this it? It's all over?! Ending with farmyard allegories would be quite fitting i suppose.

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