[Rakehell]

Shamelessly ripped off from Inspired by Ars Technica, the "You have two cows." Fantasy Book Edition thread.

For those unfamiliar with it, the two cows are often used to present a highly simplified and often absurd analogy to political or economic systems, such as:

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to someone else.
Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and evenly distributes the milk.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

On with the analogies....


Perdido Street Station - You have two cows. One has steam-powered legs.

Dzur - You have two cows. You kill one and make dinner using the flank steak lightly cooked in olive oil with garlic, shallots, paprika, 5 different kinds of pepper and turmeric. It is served with a red wine reduction sauce flavored with tarragon, basil and vinegar on a square plate with rounded corners and filligreed edges.

The Anita Blake series - You have two cows. They want you to be their leader but you have to have sex with them first.

Wizard's First Rule - You have two very odd-looking cows.

Or

Wizard's First Rule - You have two cows. One makes you fall in love with it eat your own genitals and the other punches a melon-sized hole in your chest.

The Wheel of Time - You have two cows. Eventually they will drive you insane just like everyone else who has had two cows.

A Song of Ice and Fire - You have two cows. They both get killed.


This is what happens when I get bored at work....

[MinDonner]

You have two cows...

Laurell K Hamilton:
One of them turns out to be a were-cow and has kinky bondage sex with the other one, who is a vampire cow.

Shakespeare
One of them is a bull in disguise, who falls in love with the other cow with hilarious consequences.

Robert Jordan
One of the cows sniffs and folds her legs beneath her udders, while the other one tugs her braid and smooths her skirt.

[Xray the Enforcer]

Prince of Nothing
Both cows are skin-spies. And then death comes swirling down.

This post has been edited by Xray the Enforcer: 08 July 2008 - 07:48 AM

[Peadar]

Philip K. Dick You have two cows. One of them watches you when your back is turned. The other has stolen your drugs on behalf of the government.

[Xray the Enforcer]

The Inferior
If you don't kill and eat those two cows, they will kill and eat you.

[Peadar]

The Bible You have two cows. Two chickens. Two giraffes. And an ark.

[Peadar]

Robinson Crueso You have two cows. They're starting to look mighty attractive.

[Myrddin]

Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
You have two cows. They are both off-world galactic hitch hikers who don't take you with them when the Earth is bulldozed.

This post has been edited by Myrddin: 08 July 2008 - 08:08 AM

[MinDonner]

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
You have two cows. One of them is a right evil bastard. And come to think of it, you've never seen them both in the same room...

[Blue Roses]

Star Wars

You have two cows. One is your long lost sister and then the other turns round and declares 'I am your father' in a raspy voice.

[Agulla]

Scar Night/Iron Angel: "You have two cows; they will end up in hell eventually.

Shadowbridge: "You have two puppet cows".

Neuropath: "Your brain has two cows".

Battlestar Galactica: "You have two cows and they have a plan".

[MinDonner]

Jane Austen:
Alas, I can never wed because all I possess is two cows, what will become of me?

Tolkien
Two cows to rule them all.

[Hereward]

Julian May: Two cows, one operant, one latent. Doomed to conflict.

Stephen Donaldson: Two cows, one has BSE and complains about it, a lot. The other falls in love anyway.

[Mlle. Zabzie]

Narnia You have two cows, and you can't get either one to shut up.

Phillip Pullman You had one cow, as close to you as part of your soul, but the Catholic church stole it from you.

This post has been edited by Zabzy: 08 July 2008 - 08:37 AM

[Myrddin]

Elfquest
You have two cows. One is obsessed with finding more cows and the other just wants to look at the stars and eat dreamberries.

[MinDonner]

Hal Duncan
Your two cows are actually different versions of the same cow from alternate parts of the Vellum, and avatars of the Sumerian cow-god. And they're both gay.

[Peadar]

The Sword of Shannara Two Cows to rule them all.

[Agulla]

The Blade Itself: "Say something of your two cows, say that they are pawns in a game played by mighty badass bastards, just like you".

Altered Carbon: "You have two cow sleeves; they will have to do until you find better ones. Thanks to your envoy training you can overcome this problem and move to the next screen".

[BranTheBuilder]

World War Z: You have two cows, but they are eaten by Zombies.

Sergei Lukyanenko: You have two post communist cows, one of them is incredibly powerful, tho other moreso. they both battle the forces of darkness.

Deadwood: you have two c#cksucking cows, but they are c#nts and end up being fed to Mr Wu's Pigs.

[MinDonner]

Erikson:
Your two cows have hitherto-undiscovered cow powers, with which they will defeat the slightly-less-badass ancestors of cows that we thought had become extinct.