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Barbarian Snark Thread, Part the Third

MinDonner

By MinDonner,
in Literature

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MinDonner Council Member

MinDonner

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ONE HUNDRED YEARS AFTER RUSSIA'S LIGHTNING WORLD WAR III VICTORY, AMERICA STRUGGLES OUT OF THE RADIOACTIVE RUBBLE TO THROW OFF THE SHACKLES OF SOVIET DOMINATION. LEADING THE AMERICAN REBELS IN THEIR MOST DESPERATE HOUR IS THE ULTIMATE SOLDIER OF SURVIVAL, THE DOOMSDAY WARRIOR HIMSELF, TED ROCKSON. BUT EVEN ROCKSON CANNOT ESCAPE THE CARNAGE AND THE RUSSIANS PLUCK HIM - BADLY INJURED - FROM THE BATTLEFIELD AND ADD HIM TO THEIR SLAVE LABOUR FORCE.

THE SOVIETS DON'T KNOW WHO THEY'VE CAPTURED. AND ROCKSON, SUFFERING FROM LOSS OF MEMORY, DREAMS ALONG WITH THE OTHER WRETCHED CAPTIVES OF THE FAMOUS DOOMSDAY WARRIOR WHO MIGHT SOME DAY RESCUE THEM FROM SLAVERY. BUT SOMEWHERE BURIED IN HIS SOUL ROCKSON'S TRUE SELF FIGHTS TO EMERGE. WHEN IT DOES, NOTHING WILL STOP HIM FROM STRIKING A SMASHING BLOW AGAINS THE ENEMY - OR DIE BRINGING GLORY TO THE NAME OF THE....

DOOMSDAY WARRIOR

(continued from here - this is DOOMSDAY WARRIOR - AMERICAN REBELLION by the incomparable Ryder Stacy. Fuck yeah!)

Let's leave Rock shovelling corpses for a moment, and see how his girlfriend's getting on.

She's been taken to Nazi HQ, a big cylindrical marble building with air-con that makes it "arcticly cool" inside. A high-ranked Nazi with (of course) a scar and an eye-patch seems very pleased with this purchase, and sends a lackey off to fetch some "templates" while he observes her from a distance. She takes this opportunity to have a look round at the oil-paintings on the walls; most of these are your standard Nazi propaganda of evil Jews being crushed beneath Teutonic jackboots, etc etc, but as no barbarian book would be complete without some pornographic art, there's also this:

She turned to the largest illuminated oil painting and gasped. A tuxedoed Adolph was sitting in a Victorian chair, calm, in control, fatherly. And half-lying at his feet was Eva Braun. Not the mousy Eva Braun, Hitler's mistress, that Rona had seen old file photos of in Century City, but a greatly idealised, perfect Eva Braun. She had reddish-blonde locks down to her bare very ample breasts - breasts with tiny pink nipples. Eva sat absolutely naked, long-leggedly stretched out looking up at her man, the Fuhrer. Rona realised that Eva's face reminded her not of the real Eva Braun but of someone else. Then she nearly gasped - it was her own face. And that full body, strong and big-boned, yet graceful, sexual like a cat - it was Rona's!

Firstly - sexual like a cat?? Secondly, is anyone else reminded of Zap's Hitler porn? Thirdly - :rofl: So many things wrong in such a short paragraph! And it only gets worse from here on in...

Eye-patched guy (Von Reisling) offers her some schnapps, then the guard turns up with the templates, which apparently are skull templates for measuring racial characteristics. A scantily-clad heroine alone in the room with a fiendish Nazi, and all he's going to do is measure her skull?

He opened his desk and took out a long sharp dagger and approached her. "Relax," he said with a dark smile, "I only wish to remove your garments. These silly clothes will need to be cut off." He began cutting off her sheer clothing and she couldn't do a thing to stop him. He took his time, pausing and half gasping as he sliced away the red halter top. The fullness of her white tipped breasts came free.

"Such a wonderful roundness," he said. "Like a German goddess." He reached out to touch her, squeezing the flesh fruits between his icy fingers (:lmao:). "Ah, let us see the rest," he said with a hoarse whisper, drawing back. He continued to cut away at her garments which fell to her feet, until the only thing she had on were the sparkling red high heel shoes.

NOW he can look at the skull templates, and it turns out that... gasp! She fits template #6! Which means that she is the actual reincarnation of Eva Braun!!!

Rona takes immediate advantage of this, telling the guy to grovel at her feet and lick her shoes, which he duly does. Then she is taken off to special Living Goddess quarters (apparently all Nazis now worship Eva Braun) and given the full luxury pampering treatment, and all the pictures of Hitler that she could ever want - but all she wants to do is leave and find Rock!

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lacuna Council Member

lacuna

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"Special Living Goddess-quarters", which he just happens to have ready in just such an occurrence... :blink:

Also, Eva had "tiny pink nipples" in the painting! Not white! How can this be Eva Braun V 2.0? How, I say?!?

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Lummel Council Member

Lummel

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Meanwhile in another part of Nazi-HQ Herman von Mueller-Thurgau is forced to hand back his eye patch and face the indignity of having to use both his eyes to see as part of his cermonial dismissal for having an insufficent number of Adolf Hitler portraits on display in his private quarters.

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MinDonner Council Member

MinDonner

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Let us not forget that this is the very same Nazi who earlier declared his lack of superstition, and was also planning to preserve Rona in formaldehyde along with all the other people who had "defied him"...

But anyway. Back to the bad guys, and this time it's time to meet the baddest one of all - Colonel Killov!

Chapter Nine

Our villain starts off by chuckling to himself about how he'd executed his previous butler for dropping a saucer, so we can tell straight off exactly how villainous he is. As befits the nemesis of a typically mighty-thewed hero, he is also frail and unhealthy; his drink of choice is vegetable juice laced with megavitamins (as opposed to a good hearty cheeseburger, I suppose), and he takes many pills, making him skeletal and gaunt. I guess I'm kind of picturing Peter Cushing at this point.

He muses for a while on his nefarious plans, which somehow involve convincing Von Reisling to turn against Premier Vassily and President Zhabnov, so off he goes to join the party at Goerringgrad, where he receives a fabulous welcome:

The chopper landed in the center of a clearing with a swastika burned into the grass. Then the red carpet was literally rolled out for Killov, along with all the amenities of supreme command - twenty-one gun salute, goosestepping Nazi troops, the requisite reviewing of the honor guard. Von Reisling in sparkling patent leather riding boots came eagerly forward. He kissed Killov - with a hidden grimace - on both cheeks, so sullen and discoloured. My God, Von Reisling thought to himself, the man was like a living skeleton, almost without real flesh at all.

They share a drink and exchange pleasantries, before signing a treaty that they both intend to break as soon as it's convenient. Then Killov heads back to Denver, popping a couple more pills on the way:

The pills gave him a certain sexual charge, hot sensations that streamed through his body, bringing a smile to the tight face. A sexual thrill he could not get from his missing testicles - the ones he had never been born with.

:stunned:

Uhuh.

Just in case we haven't yet gotten the memo that this is a Bad Man, he then receives the news of Vassily's stroke, and starts to gloat about how he plans to roast Zhabnov like a pig on the White House lawn, which terrifies his pilot no end...

For Killov at that moment with his translucent skin, his eyes filled with murderous madness, his face as narrow as a skull, looked like nothing less than death itself - searching for souls to take back to hell.

Nothing like well-rounded characterisation is there? :lol:

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A wilding Council Member

A wilding

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NOW he can look at the skull templates, and it turns out that... gasp! She fits template #6! Which means that she is the actual reincarnation of Eva Braun!!!

Late to the party, but this is just ... wonderful. :lmao:

I can just see all those tea-bagging (is that the right phrase?) Americans playing "the neo Nazi and the slave-girl-who-turns-out-to-be-a-reincarnation-of-Eva-Braun" as a bedroom game. After all we all know how inventively kinky right wingers can get in private. ;)

But now I am quite genuinely curious about the back story. Apparently the Nazis won, Eva Braun never became Eva Hitler, yet has somehow become part of the Nazi pantheon anyway? I expect an explanation for this. <_<

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MinDonner Council Member

MinDonner

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Chapter Ten

...and back to Rock and the filthy slaves. Stacy is trying to do two conflicting things here - 1) make a big deal of how badly the slaves are treated and how hard they are overworked, with their 16-hour workdays and rancid gruel and hundreds-a-day-die-from-overwork and recalcitrant-slaves-tortured-to-death... and 2) blame the slaves themselves for how gross they are. This isn't quite the Dray Prescot-esque disdain for slaves as some kind of lower lifeform, more some bizarre belief that Real Americans couldn't possibly have been enslaved unless they'd chosen to be... :unsure: Anyone read any Auschwitz memoirs? I'm guessing Stacy hasn't.

Suddenly Rockson jumped up in a rage at the barbarians around him. He stood in the middle of the floor, stepping over men, and yelled out to them.

"You are not men. You're animals. You're scum. But not because you are, because you let them make you into it. You believe all their goddamned lies, that you are fools, incapable of anything. You let them break your wills as if you were nothing. Look at your goddamned selves won't you! You look like cavemen, faces filled with wounds, teeth falling out. Yet you do nothing. Don't you see? Don't all you goddamned fools understand?"

They looked at him in confusion, incomprehension. Their eyes were wide with fear and curiosity. His words, the stranger's words hurt them. Hurt their brains. There was too much down there. They knew somehow he was right - that they had once been different, once been men. And now - now were - what?

What marvellous disdain for the rest of humanity! Aside from Foster 236, who is still plotting his vengeance (like a real man? Oh no, he's a bad guy, so he can't be), all the other slaves are reduced to this faceless bovine crowd, who don't even have dentists! It's enough to make you hang up your Freedom Tray in disgust. Rock, indeed, gives up his browbeating for a moment, and goes to sleep, where he has terrible dreams about his mum getting raped by a commie.

More corpse disposal the next day, but this time on his way out, Rock spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, looking down at him from atop a 10-story building several hundred feet away. From the minimal yet flowery description of her fairy-like gossamer gown and fiery hair like a waterfall of flame, this is almost certainly Rona; she spots Rock and starts shouting something to him, but clearly his Doomsday Warrior super-hearing is not up to the same standards as his Doomsday Warrior super-sight, and he doesn't catch a word of it. And besides, there are anthrax-laden corpses to dispose of, which merit much more description than some girl...

The Anthrax germs had done their dirty work fast, and destroyed the lungs and nervous systems of its victims. When the garbage crew moved the dead Germans, blood spurted out of their mouths and eyes. Every touch of their flesh produced spurts of the still bright red liquid from every orifice of their bodies as the entire internal structure had broken down into ooze.

:rofl:

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