MinDonner Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Continued from here. The story so far...In the postapocalyptic world of the United Soviet States of America, 2089AD, TED ROCKSON, the ULTIMATE AMERICAN, has been tasked with escorting two worthy citizens from the incongruously futuristic and liberal Century City, in a bizarre show of non-democracy, across the torrid wastes, to partake in the ReConstitutional Convention and cast a meaningless vote for the one guy who happens to be running for President for some reason (he is also Rock's girlfriend's dad). But! A Russian spy called Charlie Whiskers plots to sabotage the meeting! And the team have just been hit by a massive earthquake! And some glowing deadly creatures called Glowers (who also hate communism) are on their way there as well! And Colonel Killov (who is thin and takes lots of pills) wants to destroy the world! Will Rock and Kim ever be reunited? Will anyone see through Charlie Whiskers's disguise? How will they even escape from this earthquake??Well then. Much as I was expecting Rock to have been knocked unconscious yet again by the quake, Chapter Twelve informs us that as suddenly as it had begun, the quake was over, and Rock is immediately back up on his feet. From fifty feet away he can somehow tell that the unmoving body of Shriver is still alive, but there is no sign of Chen or Keppel!Actually, Chen is behind him, which Rock masterfully realises by turning "a full hundred and eighty degrees". Phew! But, he is trapped on the other side of a crevasse, forty feet away. Somehow Rock throws one end of a rope to him (??) and he manages to swing across (???) - but where is Keppel?A groan of agony from the bottom of the crevasse answers that question. So, the two men climb down and find themselves in a cave full of small round tunnels. Rock thinks he knows what they are (he says mysteriously) but hopes they don't find out. *ominous music*Keppel is not in a good way. One of his eyes has been sliced in half, both his arms are broken, and his chest is half crushed. But, he is still alive! And now follows what is possibly the stupidest passage in the entire book. Yes, you heard that right."Can you do anything for him?" Rockson asked. Chen's fighting abilities were his primary focus, but he had also studied widely in the oriental healing arts - shiatsu, acupuncture, Chi alignment, and herbal healing.*diez and is ded* :lmao:Fucking acupuncture? And Chi alignment???? This is your First Aid guy?? Alas, all Chen can do is increase Keppel's Chi Kung flow while they strap him up to be lifted out (with a rope that was far too short to reach the cavern floor a page or so ago). But then!Suddenly they both heard sounds at the same instant. Scuttling, crawling noises coming from all sides of the cavern. Rock turned his hip with the lantern on it at one of the walls. From out of the circular tunnels were pouring megapedes, hundreds of them - nearly three feet long, with slimy brown bodies and thousands of tiny undulating legs moving them forward at a high speed. Four long hooked mandibles opened and closed like threshing scythes in each jaw, snapping, anticipating dinner.How will our heroes get out of this one? :uhoh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Spoon Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 A full hundred and eighty? Shit, this man is a god of war! Though the centipedes shouldn't be much of a problem. I gather if you fight them like a truthy individual and not some kind of communal drone, you'll be ok. Also they have jaws - a few good kicks in the name of Liberty should sort that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 And a shot or two for justice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyelesbarrow Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Fucking acupuncture? And Chi alignment???? This is your First Aid guy?? In fairness to acupuncture, Jet Li did show us in Kiss of the Dragon that it can kill. And you know, if this whole sidekick thing fails, Chen can always open a massage parlor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 With clockwork precision, Rock and Chen put Keppel on the floor and draw their weapons! Rock starts blazing away with his shotgun pistol, and Chen throws a few "death stars" at the advancing megapedes. (yes, this was published in 1986. I find Stacy's lack of knowledge disturbing.) But the megapedes keep on coming! They are too stupid to know that they are getting killed, and are in a feeding frenzy! Probably because they've been stuck in a cave under a featureless barren wasteland with nothing to eat for a hundred years.Eventually they clear a path to a ledge (Rockson gets bitten by the front half of a not-quite-dead-yet megapede, but it's not serious) and start to winch Keppel up on the rope (that is now long enough for a winching mechanism - perhaps Shriver is swiftly weaving more rope at the top while we speak?). But then, one of the megapedes jumps up and bites through the rope!The rope snapped, and Keppel fell back to the cavern floor. Within seconds a swarm of the things was on top of him, ripping at the white flesh, sucking the blood from the gaping chest wound."Oh God," Rock said, his mouth hanging open for a second. Chen pulled out two of the exploding starknives and without hesitating threw them into the writhing mass of megapedes atop the dean. The explosions turned the feast into a bloodbath - ripping the slurping insects into pieces along with Keppel. Rock and Chen stared down at the unrecognizable pool of blood and countless severed brown legs.As opposed to all those recognizable pools of blood they come across? And this is also the first time I had any inkling that "Dean" was not a name but an honorific.One paragraph later, Chen reveals himself to be more morally complex than Richard by thinking of how terrible it was that he had to do such a thing, even though it was right, and how the image will haunt him forever. Yes, even a zero-dimensional ethnic sidekick beats Lord Rahl in the "believable human characterisation" stakes.But, the megapedes are still coming, and now they have chewed through the entire rope, and our guys are stuck! Chen is down to his last eight starknives, and Rock only has fifteen cartridges left!"I think this is it, pal," Rock said."Somehow I think I would rather have gone out fighting the Reds - but - I guess Mr Death doesn't give you much of a choice about how you want to go." Suddenly there was a big commotion below. The chow was all gone, and most of the megapedes hadn't had their fill. They began fighting one another, the victors quickly digging into the heart and brain of their foes. The squealing sounds rose to a crescendo as the blood-coated arthropods stood on their ends, raising their heads in the air and twisting round, searching for more food. Their jaws opened and closed, the four razor-sharp mandibles coming together with a sickening snap and then opening again. Their tiny yellow eyes, stuck deep back in brown-scaled heads, looked for the slightest trace of motion. Then suddenly, remembering or slowly sensing their presence, the entire swarm of the killing horrors turned towards Rock and Chen, their mandibles focusing up toward the ledge. Nearly two hundred of the megapedes, their fronts raised up, their thousand legs wriggling in a wavelike motion, looked up at the two freedomfighters. Their swordlike jaws began snapping quickly as black saliva poured from their mouths.Over to you guys. How do you think Rock and Chen are going to get out of this one?(hint: it's really stupid. And has happened in both of the previous books.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kuroishi Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 They are helped by some America-loving-mutants ex machina? Wait, did that happen in the last book? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Nan Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Yeah, I'm going to go with the glowers from chapter ten. Who are going to make the wench freak right out, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darzin Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 They pass out... and the megapededs don't eat dead things Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lacuna Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 It feels like the authors are building this Shriver woman up for "redemption through self-sacrifice". She takes a look at Rock, realizes that he's super-duper awsum!!!, and jumps into the fray to buy Rock the seconds he needs to climb out.Cue violins, and Rock is the only voter in this shambolic election. Because awesomesauce-votes are the only ones that count. :bowdown: Curse my shitty memory for not remembering if this happened in the previous books as well. :dunce: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 Sorry lacuna, heroic self-sacrifice is only for MEN, and only counts if you kill some commies in the process. Megapedes just don't cut it.No, our rescue comes in the form of... the Rock Squad! Who always seem to be conveniently on hand to rescue Rock from whatever inescapable scrape he has gotten himself into, whether under attack from elite ninjas, or trapped on the roof of Pavlov City...Chen flings his last couple of death stars as Detroit drops a load of "beautiful pineapples" into the cave to blow up some bugs, before rappelling down himself for a brief manly reunion."How the hell are you?" Detroit asked, laughing, and put his hand out for Rock to shake."Never better than right now," Rock said, a huge grin on his tanned rugged face. "But how the hell did you-?""Can't talk right now - sorry" Detroit said, ripping off two more of the grenades and tossing them into the mess below.Why, how rude!Archer also joins them and blasts the megapedes with napalm, and then everyone escapes (except the unfortunate Keppel). Hurrah! But how did this miraculous rescue come to pass? Detroit explains."Well, after you left Century City, the rest of the team and I got together and felt that you just wouldn't enjoy the trip without our company. So McCaughlin, Archer and I followed you from a distance, figuring we'd be your ace in the hole, when and if you needed us. I know we'll get hell to pay for it when we get back - but -" he shrugged his shoulder."Remind me to tell you to follow me all the time," Rock said, slapping the freefighter on the shoulder.Yep. Despite Rock's awesome wilderness skillz and the vital importance that they not be followed to this sekrit meeting, his squad were able to track him across a fifty-mile barren white crater of mathematical flatness without being spotted, and were still able to get there in time to rescue him after about ten minutes of being stuck in a cave. Next chapter features superspy Charlie Whiskers, but I can't believe the plausibility meter can go any lower... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord O' Bones Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 the Rock Squad! Well played. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Indeed well played. No one ever expects the Rock Squad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erik of Hazelfield Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Lucky thing they got out of the earthquake all right! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 Chapter Thirteen, as promised, brings us the further adventures of Charlie Whiskers. But, fear not, it's a short one.He spits a gob of chewing tobacco as his internal monologue gives us a bit of backstory. He, Pete and O'Grady had managed to wangle themselves a lucrative contract to supply the ReConstitutional Convention with furs (?! - for reasons unknown, though it's good to see that proper governmental subcontracting is still in place in the future; I'm presuming they put it out to tender as best practice dictates), and now Charlie is back to deliver the order, having whacked his mates in their sleep. Cos that's the kind of cold-hearted commie bastard he is.The guards at the convention site are suspicious at first, but a few more gobs of baccy and he has them convinced.The two men looked at each other and then back at the grizzled old trader. He had to be all right. No Red could look or act like that. The men let their guns drop slowly and their stern faces relaxed as they waved the fur man forward with their hands."Come on, ol' timer," the darker one said, "we'll buy your furs.""Well now, that's more like it," Charlie Whiskers grinned from ear to ear, revealing three missing teeth that had been surgically removed by dental surgeons back in Moscow.Gasp! Now he is inside Convention Ranch! (you'd think the name would be a giveaway?) No doubt this success will enable him to buy a huge mansion on the banks of the Volga, which Stacy seems to think flows through Moscow. With a swimming pool, even! He continues to spit tobacco as he wanders through the base, thus completely fooling everyone, who clearly can't imagine a commie doing such a thing. And at last manages to find a clear space where he can park his mule and contact HQ with a secret mule packbelt radio. Ready the neutron bomb. Prepare to strike! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord O' Bones Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 He continues to spit tobacco as he wanders through the base, thus completely fooling everyone, who clearly can't imagine a commie doing such a thing. Never have I been so proud to be an American. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maithanet Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 And at last manages to find a clear space where he can park his mule and contact HQ with a secret mule packbelt radio. Ready the neutron bomb. Prepare to strike!This is the plan? This is all the work the Russians are leading up to? Nuke the meeting? Charlie Whiskers didn't even need to go into the camp, he could just radio them from behind a rock somewhere. Is the important thing that he waits until Rockson is there, to make sure that the nuke gets all of em? Because you don't need a two-book brainwashing plot to do that. No, a simple camera will do fine. Do the Soviets...have cameras? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Never have I been so proud to be an American."He's filthy and gross! He must be one of us!" :lol:This is the plan? This is all the work the Russians are leading up to? Nuke the meeting? Charlie Whiskers didn't even need to go into the camp, he could just radio them from behind a rock somewhere. Is the important thing that he waits until Rockson is there, to make sure that the nuke gets all of em? Because you don't need a two-book brainwashing plot to do that. No, a simple camera will do fine. Do the Soviets...have cameras?I'm rather confused by this myself. All the earlier chapters seemed to indicate that the biggest danger was of the delegates getting captured and tortured so that the locations of the Free Cities would be revealed, but now it appears that the Commie plan is merely "blow up a maximum of four important citizens from each city", which hardly seems worth the effort. But anyway. Let's get on with Chapter Fourteen.The flat white crater is moving about beneath their feet, healing up the earthquake cracks and reverting to its earlier flatness, so the remainder of this bit of journey is easy peasy. This allows Rock a moment to consider the political ramifications of the Rock Squad's rescue mission.He knew there'd be hell to pay when they got back to Century City, with all the liberal council members attacking them for not following the Council's orders - and they had a point. Democracy had to control the military - otherwise they were just like the Reds. Still, when it came to survival - the wolves and the megapedes and a thousand other mouths waiting to devour whatever came down the pike didn't care about democracy - or rules and regulations.Detroit and Rock and McCaughlin banter for a few paragraphs about how often they have saved each others asses, and then there's the usual heroes-on-a-journey filler stuff - they stop to camp, Shriver has a wash, they eat roast pork etc etc... Rock is now more kindly disposed towards Shriver, as she has come this far without complaining and is no longer such an ivory-tower liberal, of the sort you would undoubtedly get in a rebel fortress. But now he has to go out scouting alone.He felt the need to absorb the energies of the land and be alone for a night. His sixth sense worked best in the dark, in the silence of the animal songs.Yep, he's off to commune with nature and see his singing ferrets again.But this time, in the middle of the jungly forest, he finds an abandoned town, with main street shops and everything! And piled up inside one of the buildings is a mountain of skulls! Who could be responsible for this??...to be continued... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lacuna Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 The flat white crater is moving about beneath their feet, healing up the earthquake cracks and reverting to its earlier flatness, so the remainder of this bit of journey is easy peasy.......... :stunned: !?!And ....................... :stunned: !?!?!?!?! at myself for being surprised. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Nan Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy. You in America will see that some day.Come to the dark side, Rock! :commie: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Sorry, didn't mean to keep you all in suspense for so long, only intended to take a short break in a long chapter... but onwards!The moon suddenly flickered on like a neon light, and he could see them - women. Primitive, dirty, covered in rags and ratty furs, their faces burned with rage as they came at him. He could see hundreds of eyes peering from within the darkness. A clawing body landed on him from above, but Rock flipped it over his shoulder to the street. He turned the brid around and tore off down the street. He didn't want to shoot any of them. Women, hell, he had sensed something about these attackers. He still held fire. He certainly wasn't in the mood for killing women. Why the hell were they after him, anyway? Now, they poured from all the buildings, running and stumbling towards him. Some were naked - they were savagely beautiful."Take him! Take him alive. Take him for Barbarah - our goddess - and for us," voices screamed, urging the primitive women on. They came forward, more than he could count, young, filth-encrusted raven-haired women, with long, strong-looking arms and legs - sinewy, agile as cats. They rushed at him.Yikes! Handy of them to remind each other who Barbarah was though, otherwise that could have been a bit confusing.Rock shoots some warning shots, then tries to ride off, but in the intervening few seconds, the women have managed to build a big barricade across the street! Luckily Snorter is quite capable of jumping over this 8-foot obstacle, though they inadvertently pick up a passenger mid-jump; Rock knocks her lightly on the jaw for a convenient bit of unconsciousness until they reach a nearby clearing for some, er "questioning". :leer:But first, some actual questioning. What's her story?"We are the Barbarahs, a race of women warriors. No men are allowed to join us - so it is written in our holy book - Man, the Enemy - the only writing remaining after the Great Blast. The Man-Made blast," she added, looking accusingly at Rock. "It is the man who has laid waste to our world - and thus it is the man whom we shun and despise for all his black habits." Rock's jaw nearly dropped open as he listened to her venomous monologue.Yes, this is apparently what feminists of the future do - they kidnap men, rape them to get pregnant, then behead them and burn their bodies in a sacred fire. But, disaster! No women have become pregnant in two years! Their race may die out! Cos obviously over a hundred years all the women in the colony are in their twenties, even the ones that were born two years ago, and those biological clocks are a-tickin.You know what's coming now, right?She paused, and looked at the muscled slab of man in front of her, and got a strange look in her golden eyes."Do me!" she said pleading. "Fertilize me and release me! I shall be as a goddess back there - I will be pregnant. And they will feed me and not hurt me anymore. For I am not well-liked now, and they punish me for no reason."Rock is, of course, quite turned on by her animal wildness (and grapefruit-sized breasts - actually the grapefruit seems to be Stacy's equivalent of Tairy's melon, as a page or so ago, Rock's pistol left a grapefruit-sized hole in the ground), so it's time for some more embarrassing sex.Her eyes flared like a burst of golden fire and she opened wide for him so he could go into her very core - penetrate her deepest tunnel. Then she came with an ear-shattering scream, her body arching and contracting in powerful spasms. Rock felt his own desire reach its culmination and let out an explosion of molten fire that rocketed up into her center. She screamed again and swooned as the staff plunged to its fullest depth.Rock has one guilty thought about Kim (not Rona), but decides that it's not that important cos this affair is not likely to last. And it's all in a good cause! Then they have sex a few more times.In the morning he wakes up alone on the grass - he hopes he's "fertilised" her, and that the kid is not a boy! Then he heads back to the Rock Squad."Hey man, where you been?" Detroit yelled out, seated atop a fallen tree."You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Rock said, and wouldn't utter another word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.