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The 'If ASoIaF Characters were sensible' thread (spoilers, naturally)


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#1 Der Anarch

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 10:12 AM

Bravos, A Feast for Crows
The Kind Man: You may stay here as long as you wish, but in order to do that you must serve. It is not an easy task, you must give up everything that makes you an individual, your very self to the Many Faced Gods. Your habits, your memories, your dreams, your heart, your soul, your very face to satisfy our quasi-totalitarian religious cults membership conditions. Then you must spend your entire life killing people without really knowing why, just because we say so.

Ayra: Sod this I'm finding another inn!

The Red Keep, A Game of Thrones
Cynical Lord: See, there goes Lord Stark, Hand of the King.

Naive Lord: The Queenslayer?

Cynical Lord: Silence, he might hear you! Say what you will, whatever his methods, he has held the realm together for decades with an iron fist, ever since that night at the Red Keep when he and Renly butchered the Lannisters in their beds. He has spies everywhere, so watch your tongue.

Naive Lord: But he is a monster, ever since his rule began life has become unbearable!

Cynical Lord: True, Lord Stark has no time for tourneys or extravagances, but he is doing what is necessary. Robert beggared the realm. And he always carries out his own executions, remember that.

Sentimental Lady: Oh but he's quite lovely really.

Cynical Lord: Don't be ridiculous, dear.

Ned: *sigh*

The Westerlands, A Storm of Swords
Robb: This is a raid, nobody move!

Jayne: Oh hey handsome.

Robb: I said nobody move! Now give us all your money and some hostages.

Jayne: Sure you don't want too....

Robb: I've already got a political marriage lined up, sorry sweetchecks. Besides, my wolf hates your family.

Slavers Bay, A Storm of Swords
Dany: Okay, that's all three cities neutralised, time to head to Westeros!

Iron Islands, A Clash of Kings
Theon: Here I have a letter from Robb Stark granting us independence!

Balon: Fantastic!

Edited by Maponus, 29 December 2011 - 10:19 AM.


#2 littlespider

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 10:14 AM

Robb: I've already got a political marriage lined up, sorry sweetchecks. Besides, my wolf hates your family.

If only! /crying.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':crying:' />

#3 DurararaFTW

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 10:18 AM

Jojen: I saw a winged three-eyed wolf, Bran. That wolf was you. But we need to go beyond the wall and I need to go to my death to make this happen.
Bran: So when you saw flying and seeing with a third eye, you mean...?
Jojen: Probably just you'll have better wolfdreams then you have now.
Bran: Think I'll pass.
Jojen: Cool, coolcoolcool. White Harbor then?
Bran: Yup.

Edited by DurararaFTW, 29 December 2011 - 10:18 AM.


#4 Stannis the Great

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 10:50 AM

Jojen: I saw a winged three-eyed wolf, Bran. That wolf was you. But we need to go beyond the wall and I need to go to my death to make this happen.
Bran: So when you saw flying and seeing with a third eye, you mean...?
Jojen: Probably just you'll have better wolfdreams then you have now.
Bran: Think I'll pass.
Jojen: Cool, coolcoolcool. White Harbor then?
Bran: Yup.


It may be just me but I definitely imagined Jojen as having the voice of Abed from Community.

#5 Fred Baratheon

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 10:57 AM

Jorah Mormont: Dothraki repay gifts in their own time. They do not know how to sail. And they kill people with the slightest provocation.
Viserys: Then there's no point in trying to bully them into attacking an overseas land. I will go back to Pentos and see about getting some ships and sailors.while they wait to repay me.

#6 Lions-and-Roses

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 11:08 AM

Renly: You know, aren't we all against the Lannisters?
Stannis: Well... Yeah... I guess.
Renly: Why don't we combine our forces, and destroy them, and then we can decide who will sit the iron throne after that, through diplomacy?
Robb: Sounds the best way to do it, really.

#7 Lions-and-Roses

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 11:10 AM

Cersei: Is something the matter, Lord Stark?
Eddard: Nope. Everything is fine here.
*10 minutes later*
Eddard: My King, your wife is in love with her brother and your children are not truly yours.
Robert: Fuck. Kill them both. Stannis will be my heir now.

#8 Lions-and-Roses

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 11:11 AM

Eddard: I'm sending you both home.
Sansa: Oh cool, Joffrey isn't that nice anyway. Can we leave right now?

#9 Fred Baratheon

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 11:16 AM

Slave Owner: Yes, after you purchase the unsullied they will do anything you command....except attack their former master. I can't tell you how many times people have tried to pull that trick on me over the years to get out of paying.

#10 Der Anarch

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 11:26 AM

Unsullied: We're the greatest fight force in the world, so naturally we rule Slavers Bay as a warrior aristocracy and everyone lives in fear of us. Also, we get free puppies and no one dares even look at our manhood. Yeah.

Dany: But this is madness!

Unsullied: Madness? This is Astapor!

Edited by Der Anarch, 29 December 2011 - 11:29 AM.


#11 Awakened Edna

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 11:54 AM

Ned: When we meet again, I will tell you of your mother.

Jon: Dude, I'm joining the Night's Watch and you are going to King's Landing. Face it, this is probably the last time we will see each other. Just fucking tell me.

#12 The Drunkard

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 12:13 PM

Eddard: Cersei, I didn't call you down here for idle chatter?

Cersei: I LOVE MY KIDS, BURN THE ENEMIES, TYRION IS THE DEVIL, RAR RWAR AWR

Eddard: Fuck it, you really are insane. Hey Robert! Your wife is clearly evil and your kids are so obviously not yours.

Robert: GIVE ME ALE, SLAY THAT DRAGON, HAND THAT WENCH OVER!

Eddard: You're fucking kidding. I'm going back to Winterfell.

#13 Ser-Arthur-Dayne

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 12:19 PM

Sansa: Oh how much I love Lemoncakes, and sowing, and doing girly things.

Arya: Shut up b*tch.

Sansa: MOOOOM! DAAD!! Arya is cursing!!!

Arya (FM assaissin's Sansa.)

Edited by Ser-Arthur-Dayne, 29 December 2011 - 12:20 PM.


#14 Der Anarch

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 12:38 PM

Town Crier: Robert Baratheon is dead! He was killed by a boar.

Littlefinger: Good thing we never made him King. Otherwise we'd be a having bloody civil right now.

Edited by Der Anarch, 29 December 2011 - 12:39 PM.


#15 jon rr stark

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 12:49 PM

Robert : Ned I want you to be my Hand

Ned : No!

Robert : I realy mean it

Ned : Here have a drink and piss off home you fat git, By the way your wife is f*****g her brother and those are not your kids

Robert : Har! war give me my hammer, Stannis you look after the castle and stuff.

Edited by jon rr stark, 29 December 2011 - 12:49 PM.


#16 Der Anarch

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 01:01 PM

Ned Stark confronts Jamie Lannister on the Iron Throne

Ned Stark: Ser Jamie! What have you done with the King?

Jamie: Put him into care. For his own protection as well as that of others.

Edited by Der Anarch, 29 December 2011 - 01:01 PM.


#17 The Oncoming Storm

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 01:18 PM

Davos: So there's the honourable path, and the possibly-not-deadly path... fuck honour, I want to live.

#18 Ser Lepus

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 02:02 PM

The Westerlands, A Storm of Swords
Robb: This is a raid, nobody move!

Jayne: Oh hey handsome.

Robb: I said nobody move! Now give us all your money and some hostages.

Jayne: Sure you don't want too....

Robb: I've already got a political marriage lined up, sorry sweetchecks. Besides, my wolf hates your family.

If only! /crying.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':crying:' />

Old Frey should have shown pretty Roslin to Robb before he left the Twins; then Robb would be thinking "I´ve a sweet piece of ass waiting for me back home; better no mess with hussies"

Also:

Ned: Brother...or lover?
Cersei: What the f**k? Jamie is my twin brother! what kind of sewer-minded pervert are you? I´m telling Robert!
Ned: Don´t deny it! Your children all look just like your...your...
Cersei: Twin brother?
Ned: Er...er...
Cersei: They look like Jamie because their mother looks like Jamie, dumbass!
Ned: But they don´t look like Baratheons at all!
Cersei: And your own children Robb, Sansa, Bran and Rickon look like Tullys rather than Starks! Is Edmure their father?
Ned: Uh...
Cersei: I´m going!
Ned: Wait! I´m sorry! I don´t know what i was thinking!
Cersei: I know exactly what you were thinking, you disgusting incest fetishist!

Edited by Ser Lepus, 29 December 2011 - 03:32 PM.


#19 Damar

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 02:43 PM

Edmure: Cat, why are you laughing?
Catelyn: I just had the most absurd thought. Like what if I released Jaime, thus losing the only garantuee Tywin won't murder us all in our sleep or at a wedding or some shit like that, in exchange for their hostages who they have no reason to hand over once they have Jaime, and be relying entirely on the word of an imp who I had falsely arrested and nearly had killed, who recently sent assasins among a peace envoy to free Jaime, and that's hoping nothing happens to the just three travellers, one a Frey and the other about the most valueable hostage in the world, across half of war-torn Westeros.

#20 Stannis the Great

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 03:00 PM

Rhaegar: Perhaps I shouldn't kidnap Lyanna and set off a chain of events that lead to the Seven kingdoms being massively weakened at a time when the Others are emerging.