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The 'If ASoIaF Characters were sensible' thread (spoilers, naturally)


Der Anarch

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Bravos, A Feast for Crows

The Kind Man: You may stay here as long as you wish, but in order to do that you must serve. It is not an easy task, you must give up everything that makes you an individual, your very self to the Many Faced Gods. Your habits, your memories, your dreams, your heart, your soul, your very face to satisfy our quasi-totalitarian religious cults membership conditions. Then you must spend your entire life killing people without really knowing why, just because we say so.

Ayra: Sod this I'm finding another inn!

The Red Keep, A Game of Thrones

Cynical Lord: See, there goes Lord Stark, Hand of the King.

Naive Lord: The Queenslayer?

Cynical Lord: Silence, he might hear you! Say what you will, whatever his methods, he has held the realm together for decades with an iron fist, ever since that night at the Red Keep when he and Renly butchered the Lannisters in their beds. He has spies everywhere, so watch your tongue.

Naive Lord: But he is a monster, ever since his rule began life has become unbearable!

Cynical Lord: True, Lord Stark has no time for tourneys or extravagances, but he is doing what is necessary. Robert beggared the realm. And he always carries out his own executions, remember that.

Sentimental Lady: Oh but he's quite lovely really.

Cynical Lord: Don't be ridiculous, dear.

Ned: *sigh*

The Westerlands, A Storm of Swords

Robb: This is a raid, nobody move!

Jayne: Oh hey handsome.

Robb: I said nobody move! Now give us all your money and some hostages.

Jayne: Sure you don't want too....

Robb: I've already got a political marriage lined up, sorry sweetchecks. Besides, my wolf hates your family.

Slavers Bay, A Storm of Swords

Dany: Okay, that's all three cities neutralised, time to head to Westeros!

Iron Islands, A Clash of Kings

Theon: Here I have a letter from Robb Stark granting us independence!

Balon: Fantastic!

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Jojen: I saw a winged three-eyed wolf, Bran. That wolf was you. But we need to go beyond the wall and I need to go to my death to make this happen.

Bran: So when you saw flying and seeing with a third eye, you mean...?

Jojen: Probably just you'll have better wolfdreams then you have now.

Bran: Think I'll pass.

Jojen: Cool, coolcoolcool. White Harbor then?

Bran: Yup.

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Jojen: I saw a winged three-eyed wolf, Bran. That wolf was you. But we need to go beyond the wall and I need to go to my death to make this happen.

Bran: So when you saw flying and seeing with a third eye, you mean...?

Jojen: Probably just you'll have better wolfdreams then you have now.

Bran: Think I'll pass.

Jojen: Cool, coolcoolcool. White Harbor then?

Bran: Yup.

It may be just me but I definitely imagined Jojen as having the voice of Abed from Community.

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Jorah Mormont: Dothraki repay gifts in their own time. They do not know how to sail. And they kill people with the slightest provocation.

Viserys: Then there's no point in trying to bully them into attacking an overseas land. I will go back to Pentos and see about getting some ships and sailors.while they wait to repay me.

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Unsullied: We're the greatest fight force in the world, so naturally we rule Slavers Bay as a warrior aristocracy and everyone lives in fear of us. Also, we get free puppies and no one dares even look at our manhood. Yeah.

Dany: But this is madness!

Unsullied: Madness? This is Astapor!

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Eddard: Cersei, I didn't call you down here for idle chatter?

Cersei: I LOVE MY KIDS, BURN THE ENEMIES, TYRION IS THE DEVIL, RAR RWAR AWR

Eddard: Fuck it, you really are insane. Hey Robert! Your wife is clearly evil and your kids are so obviously not yours.

Robert: GIVE ME ALE, SLAY THAT DRAGON, HAND THAT WENCH OVER!

Eddard: You're fucking kidding. I'm going back to Winterfell.

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The Westerlands, A Storm of Swords

Robb: This is a raid, nobody move!

Jayne: Oh hey handsome.

Robb: I said nobody move! Now give us all your money and some hostages.

Jayne: Sure you don't want too....

Robb: I've already got a political marriage lined up, sorry sweetchecks. Besides, my wolf hates your family.

If only! :crying:

Old Frey should have shown pretty Roslin to Robb before he left the Twins; then Robb would be thinking "I´ve a sweet piece of ass waiting for me back home; better no mess with hussies"

Also:

Ned: Brother...or lover?

Cersei: What the f**k? Jamie is my twin brother! what kind of sewer-minded pervert are you? I´m telling Robert!

Ned: Don´t deny it! Your children all look just like your...your...

Cersei: Twin brother?

Ned: Er...er...

Cersei: They look like Jamie because their mother looks like Jamie, dumbass!

Ned: But they don´t look like Baratheons at all!

Cersei: And your own children Robb, Sansa, Bran and Rickon look like Tullys rather than Starks! Is Edmure their father?

Ned: Uh...

Cersei: I´m going!

Ned: Wait! I´m sorry! I don´t know what i was thinking!

Cersei: I know exactly what you were thinking, you disgusting incest fetishist!

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Edmure: Cat, why are you laughing?

Catelyn: I just had the most absurd thought. Like what if I released Jaime, thus losing the only garantuee Tywin won't murder us all in our sleep or at a wedding or some shit like that, in exchange for their hostages who they have no reason to hand over once they have Jaime, and be relying entirely on the word of an imp who I had falsely arrested and nearly had killed, who recently sent assasins among a peace envoy to free Jaime, and that's hoping nothing happens to the just three travellers, one a Frey and the other about the most valueable hostage in the world, across half of war-torn Westeros.

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