The 'If ASoIaF Characters were sensible' thread (spoilers, naturally)

[The Abominable SnowOther]

i dont get this thread.

do i just make up random dialogue between characters based on events that may/could have happened?

cuz thats sounds sweet

[Good Guy Garlan]

Barristan: "To sneak into the Darklyns' keep and do what now?"

Jon Connington: "Let's burn this shit"

Doran: "Well, now that Viserys is dead it's clear I won't get my vengeance that way. Oberyn, call the spears. While Renly and the Tyrells are busy in Bitterbridge we'll march to the West. The Young Wolf and the Tullys have Tywin's attention, and hopefully our attack will motivate the Ironborn to descend on Lannisport. No matter if Stannis or Renly win the Iron Throne in the end, we'll get Casterly Rock"

[House Red Stag]

Highgarden, 298AL

Renly: Macey! Long time no see

Mace Tyrell: Lord Renly

Renly: Please, call me 'Your Grace'

Mace Tyrell: Uh, yes well that's why I wanted to see you actually. Loras speaks very highly of you and with King Robert dead...

Renly: Way ahead of you Mace, you're a smart man and you know what's best for the realm. I've made my own crown already, check it out, sparkle sparkle!

Mace Tyrell: Ahh, good for you. Obviously I'M sure you'd make a wonderful King, it's just that before I throw my weight behind your claim and give you control of the largest army in the kingdom my pesky bannermen have asked me to go through the motions of, uhh, questioning you about what your motivations are and what skills you could bring to the table.

Renly: Like an interview?! Sure, I kill at interviews, everyone says how charismatic I am. I've already won over all of my own bannermen!

Mace Tyrell: So you have the loyalty of your own bannermen, that's quite an achievement. How about Stannis' bannermen?

Renly: Heard nothing from them, still loyal to that stuffy bore I presume.

Mace Tyrell: Wonderful. Let's crack on then shall we. Easy one first, why do you want to be King?

Renly: Well, I'm not as fat as Robert...

Mace Tyrell: Not yet at least!! You are half his age! Ha ha... anything else.

Renly: And I'm not as serious as Stannis... He's always banging on about duty and honour, blah blah blah. You should have heard him on the small council meetings, going on and on about fighting corruption and reducing royal expenses, YAWN! Am I right?!

Mace Tyrell: O-kay... So let's talk about your experience, you were master of laws under your brother, must have been a busy time for you?

Renly: Oh absolutely. Feasts, dancing, schmoozing with the lords and ladies of court. Happiest years of my life.

Mace Tyrell: So...in terms of doing your actual job, what laws did you introduce? did you take steps to fight corruption, expand the city watch, disrupt criminal activities in the city?

Renly: (distracted) Sorry Mace I was miles away. What was the question again? Did I mention this fabulous crown I made? Sparkle Sparkle!

Mace Tyrell: Never mind, how about military experience?

Renly: Obviously I was much too young to fight in my brother's rebellion, or the Greyjoy rebellion. But I have big plans. Once our houses are joined I plan to march on King's Landing. Slowly. Very Slowly.

Mace Tyrell: Good stuff, but aren't you concerned that unforeseen events could strengthen your enemies position whilst you slowly march to the city?

Renly: Well, there won't be much marching let me tell you, tourneys are a must, plus big feasts, mummers shows. Oh that reminds me, I need to book the jugglers.

Mace Tyrell: Shouldn't we focus on winning the war first?

Renly: Well we can just cut the food supply to the city, starve them out. More importantly, should I have roast boar stuffed with duck at my coronation or honey chicken and lamprey pie. Decisions decisions... with great power comes great responsibility eh Mace?

Mace Tyrell: Yes of course. How about after war is won? What are your plans for the realm, curbing the crown expenses for example?

Renly: (yawning) Oh Petyr can deal with all that stuff. He's done a great job so far. I can concentrate on looking good for all those smallfolk, the ones that don't starve that is!! You see Mace, it's the little people I care about, cheering my name... (whispering to self) "Renly, we love you Renly", I can hear it now.

Mace Tyrell: How about these disturbing letters from the Wall? wilding kings, white walkers.

Renly: The White what? Never heard of them, I don't read much Mace, distracts me from the more important things, eating, combing my hair...

Mace Tyrell: You are a good looking man no doubt, Margaery is quite taken with you. I'm sure you will make beautiful children one day, siring heirs is so important to keeping the realm stable and we Tyrells are all about stability.

Renly: (gurgle, spit) Sorry Mace I just vomited into my own mouth a bit there. Yes I can't wait to, uuh, bed that wonderful girl, her womanly curves are... uuh, really what I'm looking for. By the way is Loras free for dinner later?

Mace Tyrell: I'll look into it, thanks for coming Lor- Your Grace.

Renly: Cheers Mace. Don't worry, when my fabulous buttocks grace that throne, I will remember the little guys that put me there. (saunters away).

Mace Tyrell: Maester Lomys, send a raven to Lord Stannis, we need to have a chat...

[Ser Pearce]

Oberyn: You know what? I'd better kill this Mountain guy pretty damn quickly and not make the fight all overly dramatic. I mean, all it takes is one mistake and i'm down.

Rhaegar: I really have the hots for this Lyanna girl, but she's the daughter of one of the most powerful lords in the land and betrothed to another, who is the foster-son of a third. Plus her brother is betrothed to the eldest daughter of a fourth super powerful lord. Maybe I'll give this a pass.

Theon: Hey dad, i know you dont really like me and you're really looking forward to the whole 'invasion of the north thing' but i just had a crazy good idea.

Balon: What?

Theon: What's the key to holding the north? the Neck. And who controls the river crossing? The Freys at the twins. Too bad their castle is on a river and we cant attack from water. Oh wait, we're ironborn, we kill at waterborne attacks. SO we simply send a powerful enough force to take out the Twins and hold it, led by a competent commander like Victarion, and the rest of us go crazy up North. Plus the freys have a ton of daughters, so loads of saltwives.

And thats how the Ironborn successfully invaded the North.

[Queen Sansa Stark]

Ned: Brother...or lover?

Cersei: What the f**k? Jamie is my twin brother! what kind of sewer-minded pervert are you? I´m telling Robert!

Ned: Don´t deny it! Your children all look just like your...your...

Cersei: Twin brother?

Ned: Er...er...

Cersei: They look like Jamie because their mother looks like Jamie, dumbass!

Ned: But they don´t look like Baratheons at all!

Cersei: And your own children Robb, Sansa, Bran and Rickon look like Tullys rather than Starks! Is Edmure their father?

Ned: Uh...

Cersei: I´m going!

Ned: Wait! I´m sorry! I don´t know what i was thinking!

Cersei: I know exactly what you were thinking, you disgusting incest fetishist!

Brilliant :bowdown:

[Syrio the Dancer]

Ned: You boke your oath and killed the king you should protect.

Jamie: man, he ordered me to kill my own father, what would you do?

Ned: guess you're not so bad, pretty fucked up situaion, aint it?

Jamie: yup, pretty screwed up. Oh by the way I've been Sleeping with my sister, and come to think about it she's quite a bitch. let's not marry her to Robert

[MegaAIP]

Tyrion: You know dad did say don't take a whore to court, maybe this whore thing is a bad idea

[Syrio the Dancer]

Tyrion: Say 'whore' one more time

Tywin: Well, son now that I think of it maybe I was not the best of parents. Say, how do you feel about inheriting Casterly Rock. Lord Tyrion Lannister, warden of the West. Sounds nice, don't you think? Now, can you please put away this crossbow? slowly?

[zeppelincheetah]

Robert: Come to king's landing, brah. Be my hand.

Ned: No thanks brah. I will stay in the north, it's the place I belong. I can't leave my family behind, don't be ridiculous. I recommend Stannis though. He would be a good Hand methinks.

-----------------------------

Theon: Hey brah is it cool if I pay a visit to my dad? I haven't seen him in like forever.

Robb: Wait til the end of the war, dear friend. I need you to help me plan battles and lay with women that would otherwise distract me.

[Minsc]

Renly: I am the king!

Stannis: No, I am the king!

Renly, No, I am...

Catelyn: Why don't we compromise and neither of you become the king?

Renly/Stannis: What? Then who would be the king certainly not Joffrey?

Catelyn: Of course not. Instead, why don't we as a Great Council declare Edric Storm legitimate and make him the king? And then you, Renly, and Stannis can decide peacefully which one will serve as Regent while the other serves as Hand.

Renly: What about your son as he is currently rebelling against the Iron Throne?

Catelyn: Well, marry my eldest daughter, Sansa, to Edric after we rescue her and take King's Landing and I will convince him to bend the knee.

Stannis: That seems like a solid plan that allows one of Robert's actual children to inherit the throne which would likely been more of his desire then having either of his brothers do so. Simply, I agree so I will use my navy to blockade King's Landing by sea.

Renly: I agree also and I will use my army to equally blockade King's Landing by land and help defeat Tywin at Harrenhall.

Catelyn: And Robb will use his forces to ensure the remaining forces of the West cannot connect up with Tywin. Aren't we all glad that we peacefully resolved this conflict among ourselves instead of attempting to kill each other?

Renly/Stannis: Yep, lets go kick some Lannister butt in Robert and Edric's name!

Catelyn/Renly/Stannis: For Robert! For Edric!

[Chatty Duelist]

Highgarden, 298AL

Renly: Macey! Long time no see

Mace Tyrell: Lord Renly

Renly: Please, call me 'Your Grace'

Mace Tyrell: Uh, yes well that's why I wanted to see you actually. Loras speaks very highly of you and with King Robert dead...

Renly: Way ahead of you Mace, you're a smart man and you know what's best for the realm. I've made my own crown already, check it out, sparkle sparkle!

Mace Tyrell: Ahh, good for you. Obviously I'M sure you'd make a wonderful King, it's just that before I throw my weight behind your claim and give you control of the largest army in the kingdom my pesky bannermen have asked me to go through the motions of, uhh, questioning you about what your motivations are and what skills you could bring to the table.

Renly: Like an interview?! Sure, I kill at interviews, everyone says how charismatic I am. I've already won over all of my own bannermen!

Mace Tyrell: So you have the loyalty of your own bannermen, that's quite an achievement. How about Stannis' bannermen?

Renly: Heard nothing from them, still loyal to that stuffy bore I presume.

Mace Tyrell: Wonderful. Let's crack on then shall we. Easy one first, why do you want to be King?

Renly: Well, I'm not as fat as Robert...

Mace Tyrell: Not yet at least!! You are half his age! Ha ha... anything else.

Renly: And I'm not as serious as Stannis... He's always banging on about duty and honour, blah blah blah. You should have heard him on the small council meetings, going on and on about fighting corruption and reducing royal expenses, YAWN! Am I right?!

Mace Tyrell: O-kay... So let's talk about your experience, you were master of laws under your brother, must have been a busy time for you?

Renly: Oh absolutely. Feasts, dancing, schmoozing with the lords and ladies of court. Happiest years of my life.

Mace Tyrell: So...in terms of doing your actual job, what laws did you introduce? did you take steps to fight corruption, expand the city watch, disrupt criminal activities in the city?

Renly: (distracted) Sorry Mace I was miles away. What was the question again? Did I mention this fabulous crown I made? Sparkle Sparkle!

Mace Tyrell: Never mind, how about military experience?

Renly: Obviously I was much too young to fight in my brother's rebellion, or the Greyjoy rebellion. But I have big plans. Once our houses are joined I plan to march on King's Landing. Slowly. Very Slowly.

Mace Tyrell: Good stuff, but aren't you concerned that unforeseen events could strengthen your enemies position whilst you slowly march to the city?

Renly: Well, there won't be much marching let me tell you, tourneys are a must, plus big feasts, mummers shows. Oh that reminds me, I need to book the jugglers.

Mace Tyrell: Shouldn't we focus on winning the war first?

Renly: Well we can just cut the food supply to the city, starve them out. More importantly, should I have roast boar stuffed with duck at my coronation or honey chicken and lamprey pie. Decisions decisions... with great power comes great responsibility eh Mace?

Mace Tyrell: Yes of course. How about after war is won? What are your plans for the realm, curbing the crown expenses for example?

Renly: (yawning) Oh Petyr can deal with all that stuff. He's done a great job so far. I can concentrate on looking good for all those smallfolk, the ones that don't starve that is!! You see Mace, it's the little people I care about, cheering my name... (whispering to self) "Renly, we love you Renly", I can hear it now.

Mace Tyrell: How about these disturbing letters from the Wall? wilding kings, white walkers.

Renly: The White what? Never heard of them, I don't read much Mace, distracts me from the more important things, eating, combing my hair...

Mace Tyrell: You are a good looking man no doubt, Margaery is quite taken with you. I'm sure you will make beautiful children one day, siring heirs is so important to keeping the realm stable and we Tyrells are all about stability.

Renly: (gurgle, spit) Sorry Mace I just vomited into my own mouth a bit there. Yes I can't wait to, uuh, bed that wonderful girl, her womanly curves are... uuh, really what I'm looking for. By the way is Loras free for dinner later?

Mace Tyrell: I'll look into it, thanks for coming Lor- Your Grace.

Renly: Cheers Mace. Don't worry, when my fabulous buttocks grace that throne, I will remember the little guys that put me there. (saunters away).

Mace Tyrell: Maester Lomys, send a raven to Lord Stannis, we need to have a chat...

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[Boarsbane]

Highgarden, 298AL

Renly: Macey! Long time no see

Mace Tyrell: Lord Renly

Renly: Please, call me 'Your Grace'

Mace Tyrell: Uh, yes well that's why I wanted to see you actually. Loras speaks very highly of you and with King Robert dead...

Renly: Way ahead of you Mace, you're a smart man and you know what's best for the realm. I've made my own crown already, check it out, sparkle sparkle!

Mace Tyrell: Ahh, good for you. Obviously I'M sure you'd make a wonderful King, it's just that before I throw my weight behind your claim and give you control of the largest army in the kingdom my pesky bannermen have asked me to go through the motions of, uhh, questioning you about what your motivations are and what skills you could bring to the table.

Renly: Like an interview?! Sure, I kill at interviews, everyone says how charismatic I am. I've already won over all of my own bannermen!

Mace Tyrell: So you have the loyalty of your own bannermen, that's quite an achievement. How about Stannis' bannermen?

Renly: Heard nothing from them, still loyal to that stuffy bore I presume.

Mace Tyrell: Wonderful. Let's crack on then shall we. Easy one first, why do you want to be King?

Renly: Well, I'm not as fat as Robert...

Mace Tyrell: Not yet at least!! You are half his age! Ha ha... anything else.

Renly: And I'm not as serious as Stannis... He's always banging on about duty and honour, blah blah blah. You should have heard him on the small council meetings, going on and on about fighting corruption and reducing royal expenses, YAWN! Am I right?!

Mace Tyrell: O-kay... So let's talk about your experience, you were master of laws under your brother, must have been a busy time for you?

Renly: Oh absolutely. Feasts, dancing, schmoozing with the lords and ladies of court. Happiest years of my life.

Mace Tyrell: So...in terms of doing your actual job, what laws did you introduce? did you take steps to fight corruption, expand the city watch, disrupt criminal activities in the city?

Renly: (distracted) Sorry Mace I was miles away. What was the question again? Did I mention this fabulous crown I made? Sparkle Sparkle!

Mace Tyrell: Never mind, how about military experience?

Renly: Obviously I was much too young to fight in my brother's rebellion, or the Greyjoy rebellion. But I have big plans. Once our houses are joined I plan to march on King's Landing. Slowly. Very Slowly.

Mace Tyrell: Good stuff, but aren't you concerned that unforeseen events could strengthen your enemies position whilst you slowly march to the city?

Renly: Well, there won't be much marching let me tell you, tourneys are a must, plus big feasts, mummers shows. Oh that reminds me, I need to book the jugglers.

Mace Tyrell: Shouldn't we focus on winning the war first?

Renly: Well we can just cut the food supply to the city, starve them out. More importantly, should I have roast boar stuffed with duck at my coronation or honey chicken and lamprey pie. Decisions decisions... with great power comes great responsibility eh Mace?

Mace Tyrell: Yes of course. How about after war is won? What are your plans for the realm, curbing the crown expenses for example?

Renly: (yawning) Oh Petyr can deal with all that stuff. He's done a great job so far. I can concentrate on looking good for all those smallfolk, the ones that don't starve that is!! You see Mace, it's the little people I care about, cheering my name... (whispering to self) "Renly, we love you Renly", I can hear it now.

Mace Tyrell: How about these disturbing letters from the Wall? wilding kings, white walkers.

Renly: The White what? Never heard of them, I don't read much Mace, distracts me from the more important things, eating, combing my hair...

Mace Tyrell: You are a good looking man no doubt, Margaery is quite taken with you. I'm sure you will make beautiful children one day, siring heirs is so important to keeping the realm stable and we Tyrells are all about stability.

Renly: (gurgle, spit) Sorry Mace I just vomited into my own mouth a bit there. Yes I can't wait to, uuh, bed that wonderful girl, her womanly curves are... uuh, really what I'm looking for. By the way is Loras free for dinner later?

Mace Tyrell: I'll look into it, thanks for coming Lor- Your Grace.

Renly: Cheers Mace. Don't worry, when my fabulous buttocks grace that throne, I will remember the little guys that put me there. (saunters away).

Mace Tyrell: Maester Lomys, send a raven to Lord Stannis, we need to have a chat...

You must of forgot Stannis and Mace's dislike of each other so it wouldn't be very sensible for Mace to back Stannis.

[Pod The Rod]

Highgarden, 298AL

-snip-

Mace Tyrell: Maester Lomys, send a raven to King Robb, we need to have a chat...

FIFY

[Pod The Impaler]

Theon: Hey brah is it cool if I pay a visit to my dad? I haven't seen him in like forever.

Robb: Wait til the end of the war, dear friend. I need you to help me plan battles and lay with women that would otherwise distract me.

Later ...

Theon (as an old man): "... And that's how my cock saved the realm and won the Victoria Cross."

Sansa: "Theon, are you telling our grandkids those bawdy stories again? They're too young for such filth!"

[CorporalHicks]

At the Inn of the Kneeling Man:

Tyrion: Lady Stark, what are you doing here?

Cat: Umm what do you think? My father and brother are like a few days that way *points towards Riverrun. I'm going to visit dumbass.

Tyrion: That sounds reasonable, if a little weird, but I have no reason to question it.

Cat: internal monologue "Ned and I will get proof first, then we can arrest him"

[House Red Stag]

Khal Drogo: I will take my khalasar west to where the world ends, and ride the wooden horses across the black salt water as no khal has done before. I will kill the men in the iron suits and tear down their stone houses. I will rape their women, take their children as slaves, and bring their broken gods back to Vaes Dothrak to bow down beneath the Mother of Mountains. This I vow, I, Drogo son of Bharbo. This I swear before the Mother of Mountains, as the stars look down in witness.

Daenerys: Yes! Finally My Sun & Stars. Let us take back my father's throne together! Ser Jorah, I would value your council on the coming invasion...

Jorah: Sooo... you're OK with the whole mass rape thing then? The pillage? The slaughter and enslavement of innocents?

Daenerys: The usurpers dogs must pay for taking my father's throne, I am the blood of the dragon! My family are the true leaders of Westeros, noble, kind, just...

Jorah: Yeah, about that... Your father was a maniac Khaleesi, hence the mass rebellion, also your brother-

Daenerys: (fingers in ears) Not listening!

Jorah: Khaleesi please, don't be so childish... Your brother Viserys was a delusional, violent bully, Rhaegar was clearly unhinged...

Khal Drogo: You dare insult the mother of the stallion who mounts the world!! You will die, along with your metal-skirt wearing friends!

Jorah: Yeah, sorry to burst your bubble there Drogo but how exactly do you plan to conquer Westeros? You people have spent the last 400 years "fighting" shepherds. Ever hear of the Battle of Qohor?

Khal Drogo: ??

Jorah: What was I thinking? Of course you haven't. If someone gave you a history book you'd probably try and rape it. Long story short, you were defeated by an infantry army one-tenth your size. The Westerosi armies would unite against you, they would outnumber you and have heavy cavalry, halberds, warships... How about siege engines, what did you plan to 'tear down their stone houses' with, your bare hands? The Dothraki have been around for centuries and never produced anything more technologically advanced than a loincloth. And you're scared of water?? C'mon man, you guys should stick to murdering farmers.

Daenerys: This is treason! He's woken the dragon! I am the dragon! Blood of the dragon! Dragon! Dragon! Kill him my sun & stars!

Khal Drogo: Do... you want me to rape him first, moon of my life?

Jorah: You people... (draws sword) this shouldn't take long.

[Ser Pearce]

Khal Drogo: I will take my khalasar west to where the world ends, and ride the wooden horses across the black salt water as no khal has done before. I will kill the men in the iron suits and tear down their stone houses. I will rape their women, take their children as slaves, and bring their broken gods back to Vaes Dothrak to bow down beneath the Mother of Mountains. This I vow, I, Drogo son of Bharbo. This I swear before the Mother of Mountains, as the stars look down in witness.

Daenerys: Yes! Finally My Sun & Stars. Let us take back my father's throne together! Ser Jorah, I would value your council on the coming invasion...

Jorah: Sooo... you're OK with the whole mass rape thing then? The pillage? The slaughter and enslavement of innocents?

Daenerys: The usurpers dogs must pay for taking my father's throne, I am the blood of the dragon! My family are the true leaders of Westeros, noble, kind, just...

Jorah: Yeah, about that... Your father was a maniac Khaleesi, hence the mass rebellion, also your brother-

Daenerys: (fingers in ears) Not listening!

Jorah: Khaleesi please, don't be so childish... Your brother Viserys was a delusional, violent bully, Rhaegar was clearly unhinged...

Khal Drogo: You dare insult the mother of the stallion who mounts the world!! You will die, along with your metal-skirt wearing friends!

Jorah: Yeah, sorry to burst your bubble there Drogo but how exactly do you plan to conquer Westeros? You people have spent the last 400 years "fighting" shepherds. Ever hear of the Battle of Qohor?

Khal Drogo: ??

Jorah: What was I thinking? Of course you haven't. If someone gave you a history book you'd probably try and rape it. Long story short, you were defeated by an infantry army one-tenth your size. The Westerosi armies would unite against you, they would outnumber you and have heavy cavalry, halberds, warships... How about siege engines, what did you plan to 'tear down their stone houses' with, your bare hands? The Dothraki have been around for centuries and never produced anything more technologically advanced than a loincloth. And you're scared of water?? C'mon man, you guys should stick to murdering farmers.

Daenerys: This is treason! He's woken the dragon! I am the dragon! Blood of the dragon! Dragon! Dragon! Kill him my sun & stars!

Khal Drogo: Do... you want me to rape him first, moon of my life?

Jorah: You people... (draws sword) this shouldn't take long.

I had a massive smile that just kept getting bigger and bigger while reading this

[TheHodorThatWasPromised]

Kingslanding.

Rikard Stark, Tywin Lannister, Robert Baratheon, Balon Greyjoy, Jon Arryn, Hoster Tully, Mace Tyrell and Doran Martell sands together and procraims in unison;

- All hail King Aemon the wise, first of his name, may his just and peaceful reign last for another 100 years !

[Chatty Duelist]

Stannis: I am the King.

Robb and Renly: Sure dude

...

*Huge army at the gates of KL*

Joffrey and Co: Well crap.

[House Red Stag]

Daenerys: What's the matter Ser Jorah? Is there something wrong with the wine?

Jorah: Smells fine to me Khaleesi, drink up!