398 replies to this topic

[Hereward]

They're Americans, not namby-pamby feministic Eurocommies, that's why.

[Datepalm]

It's only socialized medicine that can't fix nuclear gamma internal mushifying eyeball burns.

[MinDonner]

Speaking of socialists, it's time we found out what Killov was up to (yeah, sorry, sorry, I know. I'll try to keep it brief.)

Chapter Three takes us back to the Monolith in Denver, KGB HQ. You have to wonder about the logistics of having one's international intelligence service based in the middle of a remote hostile wilderness - we know what the roads through Colorado are like from the last book, and of course the main routes through the Rockies are full of rebel cities, but apparently the KGB have decided that this is the best place for their 80-story central office building, and for some reason Killov not only works there but also lives in his office.

The Monolith gets a whole page of description to itself, before Killov's ugly face makes its first appearance (pressed against the window of the penthouse suite, which all offices have). With an unusual economy of words, Stacy introduces him as "the pill-popping, emaciated KGB leader" which made me think that finally he was going to stop harping on at such length about the skull-faced commie's 2 (two) personality traits, but before the page is out we get to hear about the pill-popping and emaciation in tiresome detail. And the next page as well. Zzzzzzz.

Killov, as usual, is generally being eevil and thinking about a) how much he hates Rockson and b ) how he's going to kill Zhabnov. Now certain that his twelve super MMA assassins have killed Rock, it's time to launch the Night of Blood, which should wipe out Zhabnov and the whole of the Red Army command (not to mention the spit-roasting of Zhabnov on the White House lawn. Settle down there!) After that, he can get rid of Rahallah and then become supreme leader of blah blah and crush all etc etc and so on.

Not even the thought of Rockson reduced to pieces of flesh rotting in a pool of blood on some floor can calm him down, so we are treated to a further page and a half describing how thin he is and how many pills he's taking. Good god, we get it!

Now for a meeting with his officers "of unusual cruelty and ruthlessness", who actually seem incredibly sheepish and biddable. Though the thin one - Mishkin! - will have to be watched. Only the Air Force, Army and Death Squad are represented, and Killov grumbles about his lack of a Navy.

He now hands out some apparently half-baked plans about how he intends to do away with the Red Army (??). All these unusually cruel and ruthless officers say things like "I applaud you, Excellency!" and grovel a lot despite their misgivings, because Killov just looks like a skull! Scary stuff. But Mishkin foolishly decides to speak up...

Quote

"Colonel Killov," said Mishkin a little nervously, "Isn't there an agreement among you, the Premier, and President Zhabnov to stop attacking one another? Mightn't we be violating the Lawrence, Kansas, Summit agreement by attacking Zhabnov's forces and inviting a nuclear missile attack from Mother Russia?"

That question is so simultaneously sensible and stupid that I don't even know what to make of it. Killov, however, has no such dilemma, and sends the now-terrified Mishkin over to his desk, where he is promptly fried by 500,000 watts (presumably the same way that dumbass assassin got killed a book or so ago). Lol at the description though:

Quote

The white rainbow of death crackled and spat out electric fuzz as it burned Mishkin's brain and blood, dancing wildly from side to side as if it enjoyed the chance to kill. The smoke in his ears and eyes emerging from his mouth like a dragon's breath changed within seconds to fire so that the whole head was spouting tongues of yellow flame like some horrible nightmare vision. Then the fingers too sprouted flames and began to spin around in front of the burning man like propellors of melting flesh.

Killov closes his eyes and imagines what an awesometastic dictator he will be, just like a god! Then some blah blah tactics about how he plans to strike at train lines and the bit of I-80 which runs through Iowa (??). Apparently this is tactical? Though given that Killov already has the heads of the Army and Air Force cowering at his table, I'm not really sure who he's fighting against.

And more details about the White House spitroast (yes yes). And more about how thin he is and how many pills he's taking. Fucking shoot me already.

Last few pages, and he gets his dolls out again. He takes a moment to mock the Rockson doll before melting it into a plastic soup with a blowtorch. And then, at last, the chapter is over.

[Antonius Pius]

I've been buried up to my haemorrhaging eyeballs with work, so I haven't been able to read this thread until now. I just checked in to see it this morning. It feels like I never left. Awesome.


I'm glad to see Stacy hasn't started to make sense just yet. Decontamination chambers in the centre of the city, softball-leagues in radio-active deserts by underground rebels, etc. etc.

Also impressive are the crackling white rainbows of death and propellors of melting flesh, not to mention a potential White House lawn-roast. Stacy never fails to wow.

Quote

And then, at last, the chapter is over.

Sweet mercy!

[MinDonner]

Chapter Four, and here we have a couple of ponies in northern Montana carrying "the future of America" on their backs. No, this is surprisingly not Rockson, but the hugely irrelevant President Langford and his lovely daughter. Kim's back!

The fact is not mentioned that this "president" was elected by a mere 300 people, all of whom were immediately blown up, but the rather limited nature of his supposed mandate is borne out by the fact that his presidential duties now consist of tramping back and forth across the country trying to persuade the various free cities to lend him some of their armies. He and Kim can't even carry any metal, lest the Russians spot them on their "magnamometers" (?! is that even a real thing?), and are pretending to be simple mountain folk. Who... never carry any metal either? All he has is a "wooden pistol and knife". Possibly it shoots rubber bands or corks, I'm not entirely sure. Gogo el Presidente!

Kim is hardly the bodyguard one would ask for either, as all she can think about is her twue wub. Her flood of desire is threatening to explode at any moment! All she wants is to settle down in a house with a 2-car garage and have babies and go to PTA meetings, and she feels an aching in her breasts and loins at the very thought.

Can I take a moment just to let you know how much that paragraph disturbs me. Thank you.

Her eyes fill with tears as she tries to telepathically summon Rockson, and then she spends half a page wishing she could make a wreath of pink and white flowers to put in his hair. Then, thank fuck, some Commies emerge from nearby trees and the two are captured and dragged off to join a Russian convoy.

Lieutenant Primorsky is delighted to have captured the President, because the reward is huge and he'll be able to buy himself a mansion. Langford tries to deny that he is the Prez, and Primorsky's vodka-sodden face darkens with fear - but there are Mindbreaker machines at Fort Svetlanya! The truth will out. Guards, take them away!

[Datepalm]

Wooden pistol?

[Jon AS]

MinDonner, on 07 January 2012 - 10:48 AM, said:

Lieutenant Primorsky is delighted to have captured the President, because the reward is huge and he'll be able to buy himself a mansion.

I guess that's it then, America is doomed! Oh well...

Datepalm, on 07 January 2012 - 11:15 AM, said:

Wooden pistol?

Something like this or this comes to mind.

[Lyanna Stark]

"Magnamometer" ...is that like a combination of surveillance cameras and magneto from X-men? It makes me think of "magnanimous" as well, so maybe it has the double effect of eradicating all the generous people of the land? Russian super tech!

[Lexicon Devil]

It a device for measuring magnamo, sheesh people.

[MinDonner]

Luckily for AMERICA, the President's capture did not go unnoticed, and Chapter Five brings us the thrilling adventures of Mountain Man Magrundy, whose Pony Express is tasked with carrying the news down to CC. Mountainman Farley was on the lookout for Langford and saw the attack, but as Fort Svetlanya contains around fifty thousand commies, he knows that only Ted will be able to effect a rescue, and word must be sent immediately!

Pony Express is the best they can do, however, as apparently Red satellites can pick up all electromagnetic communication. These were presumably the same satellites that Rock disabled three books ago, but possibly news of this has not yet reached the Free Cities. That or Stacy forgot about it. Anyway, Magrundy has a pony that can see in the dark, so he should be able to get to CC in 36 hours, considerably less time than it took Rock to get home from Wisconsin in a car.

Within a page, however, the pony has fallen into a hole and broken both its front legs, and Magrundy's ankle is sprained. Oh noes! And there's still twenty miles to the next outpost! Obviously not even a pony corpse can be left behind without comment, so there follows a further half page of giant carnivorous mutant cicadas ripping it to shreds.

Magrundy crawls on, the sun beating down "like a hot poker". He just wants to lay down and die, but this mission is for the goddamned fucking President! At last he manages to roll down a sand dune and find an oasis, and now he's just a mile from the next Pony Express stop.

Manning the station are Billy "The Kid" and his dog Greg. Billy "The Kid" is actually a kid, so I really don't know what the quotation marks are doing there. However, Stacy is clearly impatient with this chapter already and gets the transfer of responsibilities over with quickly.

Quote

"No time to talk, son - where's your dad?" Magrundy asked. "He's got to ride with an urgent message - he's got to get to Century City!"

"But - but he's away!" the boy replied.

"Well, Billy, then it's you has to ride. I can't go another ten feet." Magrundy recited the message as they walked to the house. "You know the way," he concluded, "and tell Rockson or one of his men what I told you. Now repeat it for me." The boy recited the message, and saddled up. Then he was off - a twelve-year-old boy on a man's errand.

"I hope to hell I haven't sent him to his death," thought Magrundy as he slipped off into a dark sleep.

Thus passes Magrundy from our story, hopefully forever, and the exciting Pony Express saga now follows Billy.

Billy races off on his mighty stallion, as fast as the wind, yet loyal Greg is able to keep pace with apparently little effort. Then some wolves attack them and Billy gets bitten on the shoulder, but Greg manages to chase them off.

Several more hours of riding, then Greg growls again, and they see some Commies who have just been stealing jewels from the locals. Cos that's what Communism is all about. But this time they decide to hide until the bad men have passed. Cos their mission is too important!

[lacuna]

Interesting to know that the oppressed americans still collect (and presumably, treasure) jewels, which are intrinsically useless. Surely the jewel trade has died down a bit now that capitalism has been nuked into oblivion.

Then again, look at teh pretty!

[Antonius Pius]

I'd expected the night-vision pony to have fluorescent eyes, but maybe that's too cheesy for Stacy.

Also, is it just me or does Greg seem like a really silly name for a post-apocalyptic doomsday dog? It's becoming painfully obvious that Stacy wasn't up to his normal standard, and has rushed this book through.

[MinDonner]

I think it gets a bit better once the Aussies turn up. All these side characters are just distracting, we want to know what Rock is up to!

[Lummel]

Antonius Pius, on 10 January 2012 - 07:21 AM, said:

I'd expected the night-vision pony to have fluorescent eyes, but maybe that's too cheesy for Stacy.

Also, is it just me or does Greg seem like a really silly name for a post-apocalyptic doomsday dog? It's becoming painfully obvious that Stacy wasn't up to his normal standard, and has rushed this book through.

Agreed, he should have been called Gred "the Dog" because he was a dog, I also thought that glow in the dark eyes would be appropriate for the new pony express of the re-united united states.

MinDonner, on 10 January 2012 - 07:31 AM, said:

I think it gets a bit better once the Aussies turn up. All these side characters are just distracting, we want to know what Rock is up to!

I'm more keen to see how the kangeroo riding, beer swilling, barbequing Australians are introduced, but that's just me.

[Maithanet]

I'm glad Stacey remembered the Pony Express.  WIthout that, our country wouldn't be full of real 'Mericans, like it is today.  I hope he a snap shot of numerous historical events he's ripped off.  Options like:
- Paul Revere's Ride (The Commies are coming!)
- The Invention of the Airplane (It doesn't matter if the Russians still have planes, we invented them once, we can do it again!)
- Manifest Destiny (Also known as the Annexation of Canada)
- The Teapot Dome Scandal (Nobody remembers what this was about, so I assume Ryder will invent a scandal involving a teapot).

[Antonius Pius]

MinDonner, on 10 January 2012 - 07:31 AM, said:

I think it gets a bit better once the Aussies turn up. All these side characters are just distracting, we want to know what Rock is up to!

Especially if they die within a few pages.

Something tells me Rock will be boning the new first daughter Kim without a second thought about Rona, the first chance he gets. No better way to express his love for freedom.

Lummel, on 10 January 2012 - 07:49 AM, said:

Agreed, he should have been called Gred "the Dog" because he was a dog, I also thought that glow in the dark eyes would be appropriate for the new pony express of the re-united united states.

Furthermore, if Stacy had really wanted to include a freedom-loving American dog, he would have used more labels like "the Noble Dog Greg, barking it's ardour for American Freedom, manfully matching pace with the thundering hooves of Billy's powerful steed", etc.

Lummel, on 10 January 2012 - 07:49 AM, said:

I'm more keen to see how the kangeroo riding, beer swilling, barbequing Australians are introduced, but that's just me.

Is my memory deceiving me, or did we already have a mention of koala-guano slinging boomerangs powered by Foster's?

[Lummel]

Antonius Pius, on 10 January 2012 - 09:19 AM, said:

Furthermore, if Stacy had really wanted to include a freedom-loving American dog, he would have used more labels like "the Noble Dog Greg, barking it's ardour for American Freedom, manfully matching pace with the thundering hooves of Billy's powerful steed", etc.

Too right!

What do we want?  More freedom positive adverbs and adjectives!  When do we want them? Now!

[Lord O' Bones]

Maithanet, on 10 January 2012 - 09:12 AM, said:

- The Teapot Dome Scandal (Nobody remembers what this was about, so I assume Ryder will invent a scandal involving a teapot).

Funny thing about this. My 11th grade history teacher did a very thorough job on this one. In the ensuing years, I was mystified that no one else I encountered had heard of it. That was 15-20 years ago and even I no longer remember what happened.

Edited by Lord O' Bones, 10 January 2012 - 09:08 PM.

[jagilki]

Lord O, on 10 January 2012 - 09:07 PM, said:

Funny thing about this. My 11th grade history teacher did a very thorough job on this one. In the ensuing years, I was mystified that no one else I encountered had heard of it. That was 15-20 years ago and even I no longer remember what happened.

Living in Wyoming one of our teachers heavily went into it.

[princeMountainGoat]

I just realised something horrifying - Min are you reading through these books twice? Once to get the gist of it and then the second time to post the comedy review here? I had assumed you were just doing the reviewing as you went along. How can your mind withstand reading this stuff a second time without losing your sanity completely???