Dear Stannis

[Dacie]

So, the premise of this thread came about in the What Would Stannis Do? thread.

Basically, it is an advice column, written by-you guessed it!-Stannis Baratheon.

Submissions so far:

As in, "Stannis, my brother-in-law hasn't paid back a loan I made three years ago. I don't want to cause trouble with my wife's family, but I really need the money."

Stannis then answers, "He is no brother to you. He is in your debt, and refuses to pay what you are owed. Honor demands an answer; remove one of his fingers for each week the debt is not repaid."

Dear Stannis, a boy has forsaken his marriage promise to my daughter and wed another. What do I do?

Dear Walder, he is a liar. Take him out!

Next week and next twenty chapters questions are asked by Tyrion. One question at least.

Dear Stannis, I married my sister to a barbarian warlord. In exchange he promised to give me an army to take back my rightful place. Now my sister is knocked up and all he cares about is her and the baby. He has completely gone back on our deal! What should I do?

Dear Viserys, he made you a promise. You need to make him remember who he is sworn to. Maybe try something drastic, a small show of force? But be cautious, those barbarians can be brutal. Try not to get yourself killed.

[Independent George]

Dear Stannis, I married my sister to a barbarian warlord. In exchange he promised to give me an army to take back my rightful place. Now my sister is knocked up and all he cares about is her and the baby. He has completely gone back on our deal! What should I do?

Blood or duty? I know how difficult a question that is. That army is yours by rights, and your sister's husband is your blood by law. If he will not bend the knee, then he must be destroyed.

Next:

"Dear Stannis,

My neighbor has a tree in his yard, but every autumn, it drops its leaves all over my side of the fence. I've asked him for help raking the leaves, but he says that his folk are free to do as they please, and that what happens on my side of the wall is of no concern to him. I'm short on time, and I really need to clean up those leaves before winter comes. What should I do?

-Waiting for Winter"

[eyeheartsansa]

Dear Stannis,

Every time I try to pack leftovers for lunch at the office, I can never seem to find a matching tupperware container and lid. I don't want to be late for work, but I can't afford to buy lunch every day either. What should I do???

- Hungry and Confused in South Carolina

[Qhorin Halfhand and Yoren]

"Dear Stannis,

I am visiting a forum to discuss a series I like but that forum constantly has server errors. I am visiting the forum for honor and because it is my duty. How can this forum submit to my will and recognize my right to visit it whenever I please?"

"Dear forum visitor, do not submit. The forum will work or it will die. I advice you to do everything to make it work. Perhaps you can find a red priest of your world, hackers you call them and use it to control the forum. Then punish the forum by removing half the sections from it, but reward it by not allowing it to have server problems ever again".

[JKeats]

So this thread basically a lot of straw men then?

[Independent George]

Dear Stannis,

Every time I try to pack leftovers for lunch at the office, I can never seem to find a matching tupperware container and lid. I don't want to be late for work, but I can't afford to buy lunch every day either. What should I do???

- Hungry and Confused in South Carolina

Dear Hungry,

When I was a lad, I found a dinged up Power Rangers lunch box which I repaired myself. I called this lunch box Proudpail, and I would pack my lunch every day in it. And every day, the clasp would open, spilling my repast into the streets. Weakpail, my brother called it. One day, my uncle told me to try a different pail - I was making a fool of myself with Proudpail. He was right.

Your Tupperware have not held so much as a leftover lasagna. It is time you tried another container. A red container.

[a free shadow]

"Dear Stannis,

My neighbor has a tree in his yard, but every autumn, it drops its leaves all over my side of the fence. I've asked him for help raking the leaves, but he says that his folk are free to do as they please, and that what happens on my side of the wall is of no concern to him. I'm short on time, and I really need to clean up those leaves before winter comes. What should I do?

-Waiting for Winter"

Syrio Forel hacked this thread.

Dear, each day you go to the tree and tell the leaves: "Not today!"

[Rune Targaryen]

Blood or duty? I know how difficult a question that is. That army is yours by rights, and your sister's husband is your blood by law. If he will not bend the knee, then he must be destroyed.

Next:

"Dear Stannis,

My neighbor has a tree in his yard, but every autumn, it drops its leaves all over my side of the fence. I've asked him for help raking the leaves, but he says that his folk are free to do as they please, and that what happens on my side of the wall is of no concern to him. I'm short on time, and I really need to clean up those leaves before winter comes. What should I do?

-Waiting for Winter"

Dear Waiter,

your neighbor broked the customs of good neighborliness, and shall be punished, Invade his lands in the night put down this offending tree of his, then use it's wood to start a fire to burn down his house and watch him burn to please R'holor!

[Dacie]

"Dear Stannis,

My neighbor has a tree in his yard, but every autumn, it drops its leaves all over my side of the fence. I've asked him for help raking the leaves, but he says that his folk are free to do as they please, and that what happens on my side of the wall is of no concern to him. I'm short on time, and I really need to clean up those leaves before winter comes. What should I do?

-Waiting for Winter"

Dear Waiting,

Have no fear! I shall be at your house this Saturday with a high powered leaf blower. We will show that dishonorable neighbor of yours and his so-called 'free folk' what happens when people try to mess with MY realm, er, your yard.

ETA: damn it those other answers were better than mine! ;)

[a free shadow]

Dear Waiter,

your neighbor broked the customs of good neighborliness, and shall be punished, Invade his lands in the night put down this offending tree of his, then use it's wood to start a fire to burn down his house and watch him burn to please R'holor!

Randyll Tarly started fallowing Stannis on Facebook. "Just started quiding Stannis on here", he wrote on his own Wall. "Guy shows promise."

[areacode201]

I'm dying laughing at this.

[RadLad]

Dear Stannis,

Hodor.....hodor hodor?

Yours,

Hodor

[Dacie]

Dear Stannis,

When my wife and I married several years ago, it was more for...convenience than love. While it has never been passionate, we have maintained a courteous relationship over the years. Lately, however, she's really let herself go. She doesn't even pluck her eyebrows anymore and I think I'm seeing the beginnings of a mustache forming on her upper lip. I know women are touchy when it comes to their grooming habbits. How do I let know that in find her so completely unattractive? PS. It doesn't help matters that the red head in the next cubicle is smoking hot!

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Devoted

[a free shadow]

Dear Stannis,

When my wife and I married several years ago, it was more for...convenience than love. While it has never been passionate, we have maintained a courteous relationship over the years. Lately, however, she's really let herself go. She doesn't even pluck her eyebrows anymore and I think I'm seeing the beginnings of a mustache forming on her upper lip. I know women are touchy when it comes to their grooming habbits. How do I let know that in find her so completely unattractive? PS. It doesn't help matters that the red head in the next cubicle is smoking hot!

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Devoted

So you still have a memory when she looked nice? Consider yourself lucky and hold on to it. And when your night is just too dark and too full of this terror, pray to the god of light, ask him to send you a sign. If this sign comes in an agreeable form, it is not for you to question.

[deleted01]

:lmao: :lmao:

[palemarerider]

Dear Stannis,

All I want to do is bake pies. The lord in my village told me I have to become a soldier. All I want to do is bake pies. My friends keep killing people and looking to me to help. All I want to do is bake pies. What should I do?

Sincerely

Hot Pie

[Buckwheat]

Dear Stannis,

All I want to do is bake pies. The lord in my village told me I have to become a soldier. All I want to do is bake pies. My friends keep killing people and looking to me to help. All I want to do is bake pies. What should I do?

Sincerely

Hot Pie

Dear Hot Pie,

any path you choose in your life can be honourable if you walk it with pleasure and devotion and in the fear of R'hllor. Bake pies, if this is what you feel He chose you for. You will be good at it, you will never be hungry and you will marry a handsome woman with whom you will lead a happy, long life. Do not care about what the others say, it is not improtant for you.

Sincerely,

Stannis Baratheon, The First ... titles titles

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Dear Stannis,

I am a young girl inexperienced in the ways of leading people, and found myself in an unfortunate situation: I am stuck in the middle of a red desert, with no map, no food, no water. Around me are people who I am responsible for, they are my people who trust in me, but they are hungry, weak, dying. We have no protection against armies, against heat, against hunger or illness. So, what should a young girl do stuck in a desert with lots of people who trust her, one exiled knight, couple of dying horses, three Bloodriders and three small dragons?

Expecting your answer eagerly,

Mother of Dragons

[Jaehaerys Sand]

Dear Stannis,

All I want to do is bake pies. The lord in my village told me I have to become a soldier. All I want to do is bake pies. My friends keep killing people and looking to me to help. All I want to do is bake pies. What should I do?

Sincerely

Hot Pie

Dear Hot Pie,

I am the true King of the Seven Kingdoms by Right, and all those who deny it are my foes. If your lord has not declared for me, he is no true lord, and you must rebel against him. But if he supports my claim, you owe a duty to your king, your family, and the realm. Wants do not enter into it.

Sincerely,

Stannis

[Renlys Shade]

Dear Stannis,

I'm a 40 year old paedophile who dresses up like a fool in order to get close to this little princess afflicted with greyscale. How do I get her?

Sincerely yours,

Cheeky Man.

[Jaehaerys Sand]

Dear Mother of Dragons,

If you have taken on responsibility for these people, you owe a duty to them to see that they are cared for, or die trying. Make your way to the nearest city as quickly as possible. If you run short of food, eat the horses. If you run out of horses, eat the dogs. If you run out of dogs, eat the dragons.

Sincerely,

Stannis.