Tyrion and Shae—15 signs of an abusive relationship

[Queen Cersei I]

Okay, so I predict I’m going to be accused of trolling here, but so be it. Several moths ago I went to a seminar and received a flier about warning signs for women in abusive relationships (“Abusive Personality Danger Signals,”), and was frankly amazed by how many Tyrion appeared to exhibit in his dealings with Shae. Do not get me wrong—I am not claiming Tyrion raped Shae, a regular feature of abusive relationships (which he never did.) Nor did he extensively physically abuse her (he “only” slapped her once.) Obviously, due to cultural differences, a true comparison cannot be made. However, informally, it’s interesting to note just how many of these warning symbols Tyrion conformed to. Reviewing these warning signals, I was surprised by how many he conformed to. A brief review:

1. A push for quick involvement: comes on very strong, claiming “I’ve never felt like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the woman for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

“Tyrion decided they would get along splendidly. “I am a Lannister. Gold I have in plenty, and you’ll find me generous… but I’ll want more from you than what you’ve got between your legs, though I’ll want that too. You’ll share my tent, pour my wine, laugh at my jests, rub the ache from my legs after each day’s ride… and whether I keep you a day or a year, for so long as we are together you will take no other men into your bed.””

2. Jealousy: excessively possessive, calls constantly or visits unexpectedly, prevents you from going to work or school because “you might meet someone.”

When Tyrion first gets Shae into Kings Landing, he is paranoid she will meet another man or stray. So he has the ugliest men he can find surround her, attempting to assure that they are, in most cases, also gay. He does this so he will look better, but also because he’s paranoid that Shae will meet someone else and end up banging him.

“Tyrion had wanted no handsome young guardsmen loitering about day after day. “Find me old, ugly, scarred men, preferably impotent.” He told had told the Eunuch. “Men who prefer boys. Or men who prefer sheep, for that matter.” Varys had not managed to come up with any sheeplovers, but he did find a eunuch strangler and a pair of foul-smelling Ibeenese who were as fond of axes as they were of each other. The other were as choice a lot of mercenaries as ever graced a dungeon, each ugly than the last. When Varys had paraded them before him, Tyrion had been afraid he’d gone too far, but Shae had never uttered a word of complaint."

3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely about whom you talked to, and where you were, keeps all the money, insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

Tyrion keeps careful watch on Shae (the surrounding her with ugly guys because if she is around one handsome guy she will obviously be driven to cheat on him without hesitation) in order to make sure she stays faithful to him. When she starts a casual friendship with Symon Sylvertongue (one of the few friends she appears to have, and who is described as an unattractive middle aged man), he questions her about it suspiciously, apparently jealous and suspicious of Shae having a single friend.

4. Unrealistic expectations: expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

Holy Tysha replacement fantasy, Batman! I believe this describes pretty much the entire relationship to a t.

For instance:

"The fire in the bedchamber had burned down to embers, but the room was still warm. Shae had kicked off her blankets and sheets as she slept. She lay nude atop the featherbed, the soft curves of her young body limned in the faint glow from the hearth. Tyrion stood in the door and drank in the sight of her. Younger than Marei, sweeter than Dancy, more beautiful than Alayaya, she’s all I need and more. How could a whore look so clean and sweet and innocent, he wondered?

...It is real, all of it, he thought, the wars, the intrigues, the great bloody game, and me in the center of it... me, the dwarf, the monster, the one they scorned and laughed at, but now I hold it all, the power, the city, the girl. This was what I was made for, and gods forgive me, but I do love it..."

"Eighteen, Tyrion thought. Eighteen, and a whore, but quick of wit, nimble as a cat between the sheets, with large dark eyes and fine black hair and a sweet, soft, hungry little mouth… and mine!”

And, especially, this quote:

"I’m free of Tysha now, he thought. She’s haunted me half of my life, but I don’t need her anymore, no more than I need Alayaya or Dancey or Marie, or the hundreds like them I’ve bedded over the years. I have Shae now. Shae."

IMO, these quotes and several others illustrate several things about Tyrion and the problematic way he has of viewing Shae-- he wants to make her his everything, the thing that makes up for all of the misery and deprivation throughout his life; he often views her as a possession, a thing, an inanimate object that enhances his own prowess and status; he views her as a prize, as a way to say "eff you" to all those who have laughed at him all his life by getting the hottest, youngest girl as something of a status symbol; he views her as a replacement for Tysha and the love he lost, though he is unwilling to offer her any true love in return, even trust and respect and awknowlegement of her humanity.

5. Isolation: tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble”

Comments about Tyrion screening all men around Shae to make them as homely and unappealing (for either potential lovers or just friends) as possible have already been noted. As has his freaking out/ distrust that she was hanging out with a (he is described) very average looking, middle aged man listening to music (Tyrion is jealous that Shae is going to start sexing it up with Sylvertongue, a dude who is old enough to be her father.)

(A few of these signs do not fit Tyrion at all, so I’ll just skip over them.)

7. Makes everyone else responsible for his feelings: The abuser says, “you make me angry,” instead of saying “I am angry” or “you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you to.”

At one point, in response to Shae’s mockery about his obvious fear of Tywin, Tyrion slaps Shae across the face, “not too hard, but hard enough.” (What the fuck does he mean by “hard enough?” Hard enough to bruise? To scare her? To teach the bitch her place?) He then tells her she made him do it by her unthinkable mockery of him, (something that occurs at times of stress and conflict in nearly any romantic pairing, friendship, or any other relationship of equals. However, judging from Tyrion’s interactions with Shae, a relationship of equals—equal rights, equal concern, equal love—is not something he is willing to have or truly wants with Shae), and then proceeds to tell her about how his father had his last woman (a prostitute like Shae) gang raped. And how he stood by and watched it.

Looking at this from Shae’s perspective, this “confiding” in her about this particular event may well look like a direct threat from Tyrion to what happens to the whore’s dumb enough to cross him and his father. I remember it being noted at this point how “the light goes out of Shae’s eyes,” and Tyrion suddenly finds her expression hard to read. I don’t think it’s hard to guess why, or discern the reason for the sudden coldness and withdrawal on Shae’s part.

11. Verbal abuse: constantly criticizes, or says bluntly cruel, hurtful, degrades, curses, calls you ugly names….

Well, I’d say that Tyrion is innocent of this… for the most part. He is never really cruel to Shae (at least, not until he starts choking the life out of her slowly and brutally with a metal necklace.)

However, on second glance, Tyrion, while not verbally abusive, does treat Shae in a sort of exploitative, condescending way that most of us would not use towards a significant other, or a even a casual friend.

For instance:

“She wanted to be with him more, she told him; she wanted to serve him and help him. “You help me most here, between the sheets,” he told her one night after their loving as he lay beside her, his head pillowed against her breast, his groin aching with sweet soreness. She made no reply, save with her eyes. He could see there that it wasn’t what she’d wanted to hear.”

Not quite emotional abuse, but pretty rude, inconsiderate, and what (I at least) would consider incredibly dismissive, hurtful, and damaging to one’s self-esteem. He never swore at her or got extensively nasty; but to insist that the following You help me most here, between the sheets” are the words of a man in love (as Tyrion is professed to be with Shae, over and over again) is ridiculous.

12. Rigid sex roles: expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home.

Let’s hear that little intro quote again, shall we: “You’ll share my tent, pour my wine, laugh at my jests, rub the ache from my legs after each day’s ride… and whether I keep you a day or a year, for so long as we are together you will take no other men into your bed.”

14. Past Battering: admits to hitting women in the past, but says they made him do it or the situation brought it on.

"First he made my brother tell me the truth. The girl was a whore, you see. Jaime arranged the whole affair, the road, the outlaws, all of it. He thought it was time I had a woman. He paid double for a maiden, knowing it would be my first time.

After Jaime had made his confession, to drive home the lesson, Lord Tywin brought my wife in and gave her to his guards. They paid her fair enough. A silver for each man, how many whores command that high a price? He sat me down in the corner of the barracks and bade me watch, and at the end she had so many silvers the coins were slipping through her fingers and rolling on the floor, she..." The smoke was stinging his eyes. Tyrion cleared his throat and turned away from the fire, to gaze into darkness.

"Lord Tywin had me go last," he said in a quiet voice. "And he gave me a gold coin to pay her, because I was a Lannister, and worth more."

And is anybody still wondering why Shae never warmed up to Tyrion, and calling her a bitch/ sociopath for being willing to sell him out for a castle and copious amounts of cash? Methinks the answer is not all that hard to find for those willing to look.

Anyway, at the end it says, “If he has come this far, it is time to get help, or get out.” But alas, she did not. (Unless you count Tywin as some sort of early women’s abuse shelterer/ advocate.)

Anyway… I am not, as I noted in the beginning, trying to insist that Tyrion fits perfectly the profile of your standard abuser. But it is surprising just how much his relationship to Shae fits to one of victim and abuser.** (Obviously the relationship was far more complex, changing, and dynamic then that, and that Shae had better treatment than the vast majority of abuse victims. However, I don’t really buy the summation of the relationship of a cold, hardened woman playing some poor guy sweet and idealistic enough to love her. Because if Tyrion was ever in love with somebody, it sure as hell was not Shae.)

Anyway… any thoughts?Those who feel that this thread is evidence of trolling on my part, please feel free to ignore it and let the mods deal with it (or let it fade into oblivion.)

**Especially the fact that Tyrion very much seems to view Shae as more of an object or an extremely desirable piece of clay to mold into whatever role he deems he needs at whatever particular moment. (Whether it be a wild young sex goddess, a comfort against the wickedness of the world, etc.)

[THE INDIGO]

SHE'S A WHORE and she liked it. And in the end she was using him. "MY BIG LION LANNISTER!" she is no Victim she just a whore who had it too good.

[Winter's Knight]

SHE'S A WHORE and she liked it. And in the end she was using him. "MY BIG LION LANNISTER!" she is no Victim she just a whore who had it too good.

Whores are people too.

[Jem]

SHE'S A WHORE and she liked it. And in the end she was using him. "MY BIG LION LANNISTER!" she is no Victim she just a whore who had it too good.

Are you kidding, or are you just baiting Queen Cersei I? Please don't tell me you are for real.

[THE INDIGO]

AND SHE"S NO SANSA! Classic princess trapped in a tower while Shae is a whore who was giving an inch and try to take a Mile at the very end!

[THE INDIGO]

I don't see Shae as a Victim of Tyrion (Until he killed her) she was not force to do anything she didn't want to. She sold him out in the end probably for money and a husband. Tyrion obviously did all of that because he was insecure. Was it right no but she wasn't complaining.

Oh wait that was until she was moved to the Red keep and couldn't take her Clothing and Jewels with her. Nothing but a Social Climbing girl who want to much.

[Anvilbreaker]

the whole hiding her away thing wasn't so she wouldn't make friends, it was because his dad had expressly said don't take her with you. When the most powerful person in the kingdom tells you not to do something, if you still choose to do it it is not something that you flaunt. at least thats how it read to me

[Silver Spearwife]

the whole hiding her away thing wasn't so she wouldn't make friends, it was because his dad had expressly said don't take her with you. When the most powerful person in the kingdom tells you not to do something, if you still choose to do it it is not something that you flaunt. at least thats how it read to me

And considering what happened to Alayaya? Pretty damn good decision.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

the whole hiding her away thing wasn't so she wouldn't make friends, it was because his dad had expressly said don't take her with you. When the most powerful person in the kingdom tells you not to do something, if you still choose to do it it is not something that you flaunt. at least thats how it read to me

That's exactly how I read it too. Tywin Lannister isn't a man that you trifle with. Being seen openly with Shae is a good way to have both of your heads wind up on spikes.

[Winter's Knight]

If he was so concerned about Shae, why bring her into the city at all? Or rather, why keep her in his employ when doing so poses such a huge risk that he needs to keep her in solitary confinement?

The only neck Tyrion was risking in his selfishness was her's.

[Chocolate_dream]

Except theirs was a business relationship. Completely unrelated.

[Winter's Knight]

Except theirs was a business relationship. Completely unrelated.

He never paid her.

[chris999]

SHE'S A WHORE and she liked it. And in the end she was using him. "MY BIG LION LANNISTER!" she is no Victim she just a whore who had it too good.

Agreed. How in the hell does Shae have it bad at all. Tyrion tried to give her anything she ever wanted, and treated her like a Lady. But, it still wasnt enough for her, she had to betray Tyrion in the worst way possible, and deserved worse than she actually got IMO.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

He never paid her.

What do you call Jewels, gowns and a manse? That seems like payment to me.

[DannySpud]

Shae was a whore. She made her money by doing what men wanted her to do, and she wasn't forced into it (at least as far as Tyrion's patronage is concerned). Tyrion was upfront about his expectations of her and she was paid with jewels, a home and an increased social standing. Sure Tyrion was controlling, but being a dwarf he is understandably insecure about his looks. He falls for her and she takes advantage of him before finally completely betraying him. Yes, Tyrion was in an abusive relationship, but he wasn't the abusive one.

[Winter's Knight]

Looking at it from Shae's point of view, she received nothing from Tyrion. He gave her no gold, confiscated her jewels and clothes when she had to disguise herself as Lollys' maid and was often rough with her.

He kept her locked up in the manse with unwashed guards for most of their relationship. There were whole days when she had no company for his visits were brief and not frequent.

Everytime she asks for jewels or for more freedom, he refuses her because he feels that it would be a danger to her. I repeat, if he were truly so concerned with her safety, he'd have paid and released her. Instead he chose, for his own selfish gratification, to keep her locked up and isolated.

When he was arrested for Joff's death, she had nothing and the last few months had been a complete waste for her. She was trapped in a city she did not know, with no goods of value despite having served him as he wanted. It is no great wonder that she turned on him.

Shae was a whore. She made her money by doing what men wanted her to do, and she wasn't forced into it (at least as far as Tyrion's patronage is concerned). Tyrion was upfront about his expectations of her and she was paid with jewels, a home and an increased social standing. Sure Tyrion was controlling, but being a dwarf he is understandably insecure about his looks. He falls for her and she takes advantage of him before finally completely betraying him. Yes, Tyrion was in an abusive relationship, but he wasn't the abusive one.

Actually, she was forcefully taken from another man's tent by Bronn. Knowing how cruel the noble classes are to lowborns, there was no way that she could safely refuse Tyrion.

[THE INDIGO]

^^^ AMEN!

[Independent George]

Whores are people too.

The point is it's a commercial transaction; she's paid to be his fantasy girl (even if he eventually comes to believe in the fantasy, but that's a whole other awkward conversation). He behaves completely differently with Sansa during their sham of a marriage. I'd also note that most of his 'jealous' behavior was about preventing her from being used as leverage against him.

Everytime she asks for jewels or for more freedom, he refuses her because he feels that it would be a danger to her. I repeat, if he were truly so concerned with her safety, he'd have paid and released her. Instead he chose, for his own selfish gratification, to keep her locked up and isolated.

I might be mis-remembering, but didn't he at one point try to send her away from King's Landing, until she pressured him into letting her stay?

[Howling Mad]

I think your stretching here. The relationship between Tyrion and Shae was business not personal either party could have walked away from the deal at anytime. Besides its likely Shae was spying for papa Lannister the whole time.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

Actually, she was forcefully taken from another man's tent by Bronn. Knowing how cruel the noble classes are to lowborns, there was no way that she could safely refuse Tyrion.

Was that other man a John? Or were they husband and wife?