46 replies to this topic

[Grumpy Midget]

Alright, here are the rules:

- One poster names a situation at any point in any of the 5 novels.  Names a character and puts Zapp Brannigan in his/her shoes.

- The next poster says what Zapp Brannigan would do in that situation.

- Bonus points for any reference to Zapp Brannigan's 'Big Book of War' or any use of the term "SnuSnu".




To kick things off: Stannis Baratheon has just suffered his defeat outside of King's Landing.  What would Zapp Brannigan do?

[Independent George]

I'll start:

That's easy; obviously, he'll send wave after wave of his own troops directly into the Lannister forces, and then take King's landing when they're too tired to go on killing. In the meantime, he'll put on his best velour doublet and share some fine champagne with that sexy fire priestess that's always around, and maybe that slightly less sexy mustached woman he's married to.

After that: surrender.

Next: Ser Zapp Kettleblack is sent to seduce Margaery Tyrell

Edited by Independent George, 25 April 2012 - 03:08 PM.

[Eejit]

Oh that's easy, he'll start by inviting her to his room and recline on his velour bedsheets while allowing the hem of his uniform to creep ever higher up his thigh. When she doesn't go for it he'll break down in tears and score pity snu-snu.


Next:
Zapp Snow and Qhorin have just been caught by Wildlings.

Edited by Eejit, 25 April 2012 - 03:12 PM.

[Grumpy Midget]

Eejit, on 25 April 2012 - 03:11 PM, said:

Next:
Zapp Snow and Qhorin have just been caught by Wildlings.

That's easy.  "Please kill my friends first!  Anything to give me 1 more second of sweet, juicy, life!"

...Oh wait, that's Bender.  Nevermind somebody else take this one.

[Independent George]

Eejit, on 25 April 2012 - 03:11 PM, said:

Next:
Zapp Snow and Qhorin have just been caught by Wildlings.

Shouldn't Qhorin be Zapp and Jon be Kif?

[Apple Martini]

Independent George, on 25 April 2012 - 03:44 PM, said:

Shouldn't Qhorin be Zapp and Jon be Kif?

Jon is such a Kif.

[Gingerly Grumkin]

Kif is not a turncloak

[Pellaeon]

"Here take him" push Qhorin to the wildlings and run away, call it a glorious retread and trie to turn on the redhead in the wildling group.

Lord Commander of the KG Zapp Brannigen is send by the queen to take Riverrun after he secure Harrenhal

Edited by Pellaeon, 25 April 2012 - 04:06 PM.

[OnionAhaiReborn]

If anyone is a Kif, it is Samwell Tarly.

[Tumnas the Torpid]

Pellaeon, on 25 April 2012 - 04:04 PM, said:

Lord Commander of the KG Zapp Brannigen is send by the queen to take Riverrun after he secure Harrenhal

The Brannslayer leaves Squire Peck stammerring in disbelief as he turns over command of the siege to the boy (to "toughen him up".)  He then proceeds to spend the rest of his time in "strategic consultation" at the Frey party tent.

Ser Zappford Brannister's army of the West is set upon unawares at Oxcross.  The intrepid commander buckles on his swordbelt and leaves his tent...only to come face to face with some ginger cunt and the biggest damn wolf he's ever seen.

[Grumpy Midget]

Pellaeon, on 25 April 2012 - 04:04 PM, said:

Lord Commander of the KG Zapp Brannigen is send by the queen to take Riverrun after he secure Harrenhal

Sleep with Jeyne Westerling's mother.  "The quickest way into a girl's pants is through her parents.  Sleep with them and you're in."

* Dammit took too long

Edited by Grumpy Midget, 25 April 2012 - 04:23 PM.

[Grumpy Midget]

Tumnas the Torpid, on 25 April 2012 - 04:16 PM, said:

Ser Zappford Brannister's army of the West is set upon unawares at Oxcross.  The intrepid commander buckles on his swordbelt and leaves his tent...only to come face to face with some ginger cunt and the biggest damn wolf he's ever seen.

As his men dies by the droves around him "Stop exploding you cowards!"

Next, Zapp halfman gets ambushed by hill tribes while making his way back from the Vale.

[sennahoj]

Zapp Halfman tries to seduce Chella hoping she's the leader of an amazon tribe that would use him for snu snu.

Next: Zapperys Targaryen wants her dragons to stop eating the Meerenese.

[Fragile Bird]

This looks like fun.  I sure wish I knew what the bloody hell you were talking about!

[Stop Rhaegar HAMMERTIME!]

Fragile Bird, on 25 April 2012 - 05:19 PM, said:

This looks like fun.  I sure wish I knew what the bloody hell you were talking about!

This

[Fragile Bird]

Stop Rhaegar HAMMERTIME!, on 25 April 2012 - 05:53 PM, said:

This

A hah!  You have 148 posts. . .  .I just pointed out elsewhere the numbers1, 4 and 8 are my lucky numbers. . . . this must be a sign.  Either I need to watch this guy Zap, or gee, watch you?

[Independent George]

sennahoj, on 25 April 2012 - 05:07 PM, said:

Next: Zapperys Targaryen wants her dragons to stop eating the Meerenese.

My dragons have a very sexy learning disability. Ser Kiffah, what do I call it?

*sigh* Sexlexia.

Zapp Snow has been sent as a false envoy to assassinate Mance Rayder.

[Jorge Danger]

Using the twin guns (or in this case, bows, I guess) of grace and tact, he would blast Mance with a fair compromise. And then he would attempt to make love at as many wildling women as he could.


Lord Zappos Seaworth discovers a disturbing letter during a reading lesson with Maester Pylos. What does he do?

[Eejit]

Jorge Danger, on 26 April 2012 - 12:43 AM, said:

Lord Zappos Seaworth discovers a disturbing letter during a reading lesson with Maester Pylos. What does he do?

Zappos informs Stannis that to gain the Iron Throne he should massacre the poorly-armed, equipped and ill-trained rabble found beyond the wall. If he can hit that bulls-eye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.


Next:
Zappaerys Stormborn has been informed that to buy the Unsullied from the Astapori she must give up a dragon.

Edited by Eejit, 26 April 2012 - 02:57 AM.

[Pellaeon]

Eejit, on 26 April 2012 - 02:55 AM, said:

Zappaerys Stormborn has been informed that to buy the Unsullied from the Astapori she must give up a dragon.

He would does the same that Dany does, but with more slapstik:

slaver: "Here are your whip to command the unsullied"
Zapp: "Excellent" to the unsullied: "Men you now understand ME, 25 Star general Zappaerys, you will need velour uniforms, KILL Them" point at the slavers; "kiff Mormont, my legs are cold"

Next: Zapp Stark discover the twincest