17 replies to this topic

[Bastard Walder]

As we know, about 7.3% of all the characters in the book are secret Targaryens. What's to say three Kettleblack brothers - wise Osmund, noble Osfryd, and horny Osney - are not, in fact, secret Targaryens?

1) They never get sick.

It's a known fact that Tarygaryens, through inbreeding (which, as we know, is not at all dangerous or harmful), have managed to become immune to diseases, like some form of an anti-Darwinist hermit crab. Even Cersei, our golden queen, had been known to get the shits from time to time. But did we ever read in detail about the Kettleblack's abnormal bowel movements or pus-filled globules flowing from their ass? I think not.

2) They hide their Silver Hair™ and Purple Eyes™.

Like Rocky VI and Varys, the Kettleblacks conceal their trademarked Targaryen features. Rocky VI died his hair blue, and Varys uses a five blade razor, The Kettleblack drinks potion to create thick layers of coarse black hair to cover their body. I don't know all the ingredients, but it probably contains cock of the monkey.

3) Why the Hell not?

It's a new fad. Everyone's being a secret Targ these days.

[Gurkhal]

Oh god, from the start I thought it was a serious thread. I agree that all the secret Targaryens theories are pretty silly however and will make Daenerys entire story arc rather dumb if it turns out Westerosi is crawling with Targaryens.

[Jolene Brown]

If any of the 3 main Lannisters (Jaime/cercei and Tyrion) become Targaryans, a piece of my soul will die.  However, sure, Kettleblacks, why not?  

Edited by Jolene Brown, 15 May 2012 - 11:30 PM.

[Tewks44]

At first I was like

Then I was like

Then I was like

[Monk Meth-]

kettlebacks are benjen stark.. it is known

[Dr. Pepper]

The most secretest Targaryen in all the series was Ned.  Think about it, Ned's mother was unknown because she dishonored herself with Jaehaerys, Ned's actual father.  That's why the Mad King killed Rickard and Brandon and demanded Ned's head.  He didn't want any future Blackfyre disputes.  Ned wanted to protect the other known Targaryens, Ned didn't think ill of Rhaegar because they were his family too.  Jon is actually Ned's bastard son by Rhaella, who was really the one in the Tower of Joy.  Ned covered his tracks by having the Kingsguard escort him and Rhaella to Dragonstone where she gave birth to Jon and Ned took him after Rhaella died.  Dany was just a plant by Varys.  Ned isn't even dead.  Varys switched him with a lookalike before his head could be chopped off and sent him to pose as Daario in Meereen.  Honor schmonor.  Ned is the most devious Targ who ever lived!

[Thallus]

Osmund is, the others are not. Sorry.

[Horza]

The only way to test them would be to set fire to them because GRRM has said that all Targaryens are 100% flame retardant. Did you know nine out of ten Westerosi fire-fighers wear armor soaked in Targaryen tears? It's a fact!

[Dragonstar]

Hot Pie  & Hodor are secret Targs. Hot Pie likes cooking things, and since the microwave doesn't yet exist in Westeros, Hot Pie is using fire to bake those delicious short crusts. Love of baking = Love of fire = secret Targ.
Hodor is also a secret Targ because he constantly repeats himself = redundant = kind of nuts = Secret Targ.
QED

[Arthanis]

Ok, are there any characters in this book who are NOT Targs somehow?

Edited by Arthanis, 16 May 2012 - 02:13 AM.

[etu]

Arthanis, on 16 May 2012 - 02:13 AM, said:

Ok, are there any characters in this book who are NOT Targs somehow?

Dany.

[Ser Sweets]

Horza, on 16 May 2012 - 12:09 AM, said:

The only way to test them would be to set fire to them because GRRM has said that all Targaryens are 100% flame retardant. Did you know nine out of ten Westerosi fire-fighers wear armor soaked in Targaryen tears? It's a fact!

Viserys was a Blackfyre Pretender all along.

[Arthanis]

I thought Kettleblacks belong to small group of characters who are not Targs and are not AzorAhai aswell... but ok!

"Dragon has three heads" - so we clearly know they are both Targs and AA (because there are 3 Kettleblacks). Maybe they are Great Other too?

If you remove "black" part from their surname, then put letter of their name in folllowing orther:
TTLEKE, then replace first letter with O, third with H and add RS isntead of two last letter you have "OTHERS" - and "Balck" may mean "shadow" - Ice shadows, The Others.

Also their names start with "OS", which truly is shorter version of "OtherS" word.

There is also possibility of one of Kettleblacks being Ashara Dayne.

Edited by Arthanis, 16 May 2012 - 03:49 AM.

[Grip]

Thallus, on 15 May 2012 - 11:52 PM, said:

Osmund is, the others are not. Sorry.

I think this theory is very likely. I mean Osmund always reminded me of Aemon Targaryen (The Dragonknight), its striking how similar they are in that they are both very noble aswell as having legendary skills with the sword. And they are both horny bastards..

[The Knight of ...]

Clearly the Kettleblacks are the three mounts prophesied for Dany

[Arthanis]

Quote

Clearly the Kettleblacks are the three mounts prophesied for Dany

Triple Penetration hardcore sex scene in TWoW?

[Ser Sweets]

Arthanis, on 16 May 2012 - 03:52 AM, said:

Triple Penetration hardcore sex scene in TWoW?

Disgustingly hairy. Pass the brain-bleach, would you?

[Pellaeon]

Lets see how many secret Targs do we have by now:
-Varys
-Arsune Waters
-Hodor
-Hot Pie
-The Lannister siblings
-The Kettleback siblings
-Jon Snow
-Aegon
-and half of westeros

So many Targs and only one throne and three dragons, to bad