373 replies to this topic

[Alia of the knife]

Florina Stark, on 03 August 2012 - 09:12 PM, said:

Dear Maester Crapster,

I'm going to see you fly!

From: Lord Robert Arryn of the Vale

And the way you took that curve, I'm surprised I didn't- as in fly out the door.
As long as I'm the Official Drivers Ed Teacher of Westeros, I'll see to it you'll never get a license!
"Got Milk?"

Edited by Alia of the knife, 03 August 2012 - 11:20 PM.

[Alia of the knife]

Pod The Impaler, on 03 August 2012 - 03:09 AM, said:

To the Dornemino's Pizza Corporation:

I am writing you to make plain my dissatisfaction with your service, in particular your outlet at Deepwood Motte.

I ordered a large number of pizzas from you, as a had a rather large party to provide for. Specifically, I ordered 20 Dornish Pepperoni, 20 Summer Islander's, 30 Highgarden Deluxe (hold the onions), 60 Meat Lover's (the Northmen in my party were very specific about this), and 1 large plain cheese pizza (for myself).

When I placed my order in person, your outlet in fact guaranteed that despite the size of the order, it would still be ready in 30 minutes or it would be free.

I am a fair man. Despite what you may have heard from the pretenders to my throne and various other jackanapes, I am not prone to unreasonable demands. I placed the order not only in person but in advance. Indeed, I place it several days in advance. The manager of your establishment in Deepwood Motte assured me that he would get to his baking immediately, and as soon as the raven arrived, he would send out these completed pizzas to my location. "30 Minutes" - this was not only stated in your advertisements, but sworn to me in person by the manager, in the name of the Seven, the Old Gods, and the Red God. That was his choice, not mine.

Well, not only did the pizzas I had purchased not arrive at the promised time, they have yet to arrive at all. Needless to say, the event I have been planning is scarcely the same without food. I have followed the proper procedure for such a complaint, and sent the Deepwood Motte outlet a second raven, and received a reply that the weather was "being difficult". I sent them a third raven, reminding them that neither their advertisements nor their invoice said anything about contracts being invalid due to inclement weather. I reiterated my demand for prompt and proper service, as stipulated by the purchase agreement. In fact, this time they not only failed to reply, but did not even have the common courtesy to send back the raven. I can only conclude that your Deepwood Motte store had no intention whatsoever of making good its promise of delivering my pizzas (for they are mine; I paid for them) nor of refunding my money.

As for your company, I care not for your more feeble excuses. Nobody who makes pizzas under your banner should be offering services that cannot or will not deliver. Pizza was promised, and your underlings have failed to deliver. This is not merely substandard service, it is an attempt to cheat me of what is rightfully mine. You will give me a refund, or I will destroy you.

- Stannis Baratheon

LOVE "Dorneminos"

[Light a wight tonight]

To: Daenerys Targareyn, Stormborn, etc, ad nauseam

From: Illyrio Mopatis

Attached please find a great recipe for hardcooked dragon eggs. Dee-lish!

Illyrio

[Lord Ser]

From:Three-eyed crow
To: Bran Stark


I`m watching you

[Claire of House Thorpe]

To Cersei:

Jaime is mine now. As of this writing, he and I eloped and are joining his brother on a nobler cause. So hahahaha!!

From: Brienne Lannister, your sister-in-law

P.S., don't even think of coming after Jaime, because I'll choke you to death!!!

[Warg of Dragons]

To:Lord Walder Frey
From: Tom o sevens

Hey heard the band at the wedding sucked!

Great forum!

Edited by Warg of Dragons, 17 August 2012 - 09:31 PM.

[Pod The Impaler]

Dear Sansa,

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ANGRY I AM AT YOU FOR CONVINCING ME TO COME WITH YOU TO KING'S LANDING.

Jeyne Poole

[DR Supporter]

To: Petyr Baelish
From: Tron

Dear Lord Baelish,

You do not have the right to call yourself a skilled manipulator, cos I'm a far better person in manipulating people than you are. If you want, I can give you some lessons on how to manipulate people. You have to do two things in order to manipulate them properly.

1. Make them believe that what you want them to do is their idea and not your own

2. Taunt them in order to get them to do some rash action that would result in your benefit.

Next time, I will give you some more lessons, provided your bastard daughter doesn't kill you by then. Oh, and she is a better manipulator than you as well.

Sincerely,

Tron

[Cat of the Canal Girl]

To: Lord Commander Jon Snow
From: Ramsay Snow

After some long hard soul searching, I realized that I have not always lived my life as a kind and gentle person. I am ashamed for my past behavior, and I wish to make amends starting now. I have sent letters to the other Northern lords informing them that the girl I wed recently was not Arya Stark. I sent your old friend Theon Greyjoy back to Pyke with my army so that he may claim the Seastone Chair for himself. I have also killed my father and sworn fealty to King Stannis. I will be arriving at the wall within the fortnight to take the black and will be bringing a few of my servants who have committed terrible atrocities at my command.

Edited by Kayeto, 18 August 2012 - 08:44 AM.

[Scott Blackfyre]

To: L'Oreal Customer Service
From: Aegon "Griff" Targaryen
RE: Product complaint

Dear Sirs,

For business reasons, I recentlly decided to return to my original hair color.  When I followed the instructions, the color ran and turned parts of my face blue.
Now I have to contend with some midget from Casterly Rock calling me Patchface!  What's up with that?

Please refund my money immediately or my aunt and her "children" will call on you shortly.  When you see them, please be sure to give them the customary Griffin's Roost greating of "Dracarys".

Yours Truly,
A6

[Pod The Impaler]

Scott Blackfyre, on 18 August 2012 - 12:56 PM, said:

To: L'Oreal Customer Service
From: Aegon "Griff" Targaryen
RE: Product complaint

Dear Sirs,

For business reasons, I recentlly decided to return to my original hair color.  When I followed the instructions, the color ran and turned parts of my face blue.
Now I have to contend with some midget from Casterly Rock calling me Patchface!  What's up with that?

Please refund my money immediately or my aunt and her "children" will call on you shortly.  When you see them, please be sure to give them the customary Griffin's Roost greating of "Dracarys".

Yours Truly,
A6

Dear Sir,

We are not in the habit of giving refunds to those known to be deceased.

However, if you can fully prove your identity, with supporting documentation, we can extend you credit towards your next purchase.

- L'Oreal Customer Service
A division of the Iron Bank of Braavos. "IBOB - Making good things happen !"

[SecretNegative]

Kayeto, on 18 August 2012 - 08:44 AM, said:

To: Lord Commander Jon Snow
From: Ramsay Snow

After some long hard soul searching, I realized that I have not always lived my life as a kind and gentle person. I am ashamed for my past behavior, and I wish to make amends starting now. I have sent letters to the other Northern lords informing them that the girl I wed recently was not Arya Stark. I sent your old friend Theon Greyjoy back to Pyke with my army so that he may claim the Seastone Chair for himself. I have also killed my father and sworn fealty to King Stannis. I will be arriving at the wall within the fortnight to take the black and will be bringing a few of my servants who have committed terrible atrocities at my command.

To: Ramsay Snow
From: Lord Commander Jon Snow

My most dear friend, it is of great joy I have read the news of your conversion to King Stannis. We will be planning a great celebration, mayhaps even a wedding will be held to celebrate.

PS: Bread and salt are guarenteed.

PPS: Are you a fan of the colour red?

PPPS: Not that I hold a grudge or anything.

Sincerely: Jon Snow, Lord Commander of the Night's Watch.

Edited by SecretNegative, 18 August 2012 - 05:43 PM.

[Florina Stark]

Warg of Dragons, on 17 August 2012 - 09:30 PM, said:

To:Lord Walder Frey
From: Tom o sevens

Hey heard the band at the wedding sucked!

Great forum!

To: Tom o' Sevens
From: Lord Walder Frey

They kept playing The Rains of Castemere. Got tiring.

Pod The Impaler, on 17 August 2012 - 10:38 PM, said:

Dear Sansa,

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ANGRY I AM AT YOU FOR CONVINCING ME TO COME WITH YOU TO KING'S LANDING.

Jeyne Poole

Dear Jeyne,

Didn't you always say you wished you were my sister? Well...You got your wish. Be happy!

Sansa Stark

[Claire of House Thorpe]

Dear Ramsay,

I know who you are and I'm going to find you and kill you!

From guess who

[Tenshi]

Kayeto, on 18 August 2012 - 08:44 AM, said:

To: Lord Commander Jon Snow
From: Ramsay Snow

After some long hard soul searching, I realized that I have not always lived my life as a kind and gentle person. I am ashamed for my past behavior, and I wish to make amends starting now. I have sent letters to the other Northern lords informing them that the girl I wed recently was not Arya Stark. I sent your old friend Theon Greyjoy back to Pyke with my army so that he may claim the Seastone Chair for himself. I have also killed my father and sworn fealty to King Stannis. I will be arriving at the wall within the fortnight to take the black and will be bringing a few of my servants who have committed terrible atrocities at my command.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]

Woof! Bark bark woof bark, growly bark. Wruff?

Grr bark bark woof, awuu? Warg bark grrowl agh!agh! urrrrr awuuuuuuuu!

Sincerely,
Jon Snow
Lord Commander of the Night's Watch
This signature is automatically attached


P.S. Basically the Lord Commander wishes to inform you that he's happy to see a man of your talents join the Night's Watch. He's looked through vacancies and decided to assign you to the stewards; we recently received a maester from King's Landing who requested someone in good physical shape.
Satin

[Alia of the knife]

To: Prince Aegon

From: Princess Arya

Re: My Anniversary Present


Dear Hubby,

Can't tell you how DElighted I am with this new domestic toy the Maesters came up with for my amusement, and all the housework I don't do around KL, but the servants love it.

Yessir, the IRobot Roomba gets in all the places you never want to go, or see on an empty stomach.

Little Elia and Ned are endlessly entertained by this marvel of magic, (though Queen Dany and Rhaegal are a little spooked because it keeps coming for him. He's shedding his skin and the Roomba thinks he's "dirty").

No, when Daddy said I would marry a King and rule his Castle, and my sons would be great Knights, he left out the part about all the fabulous gifts my Husband would get me.
(You really didn't get your Dads romantic streak did you)?

Anyway, I still love you even though it's stupid.

Love,
Ary

Oh, and Belarion loves it too.

http://www.youtube.c...e&v=ewdbilSWjaM

[Warg of Dragons]

Dearest Cersei,

So here's the thing while i was out wandering all over creation with that Brienne chick,  did I mention hear? Anyways something kinda happened and well long story short remember when I got back and we you know...... Well i think you should get yourself checked out. I started gettin these bumps and well just go see a maester.

Your always loving brother Jamie  

dictated not read

[Alia of the knife]

Alia of the knife, on 09 June 2012 - 09:14 PM, said:

I'm going to attempt a link here, but if it doesn't work, I'm afraid this won't make sense, so bear with me.


To: Lord Manderly

From: Ebay Customer Service

Re: Teapot

Dear Lord Manderly,

While your cullinary talents have reached even our ears, and we respect any appliance that you wish to auction from your notable kitchens, we do need to make you aware of our standards.

We need you to NOT BE NAKED WHEN IMAGING YOUR ITEM!

We can see you in the reflection in the TEAPOT!

http://www.secretcry...t02/teapot3.jpg



One of my team members had to go home for the rest of the day!

If we can be of any more service to you, please let us know.

Best Regards,
Ebay Customer Service

To: Ebay Customer Service

From: Lord Manderly

Re: The Teapot

Dear Ebay Customer Service

Can I still sell it?

[Buckwheat]

Florina Stark, on 18 August 2012 - 05:46 PM, said:

Dear Jeyne,

Didn't you always say you wished you were my sister? Well...You got your wish. Be happy!

Sansa Stark

From: Sansa Stark
To: Jeyne Poole

Dear Jeyne,

I am so sorry, Petyr hijacked my email account - he controls everything around here lately, even my private correspondence - and I really did not know he would dare to send you something like that under my name! It was evil and mean and I know you might have been hurt reading it, but just believe me, those were not my words! Jeyne, I still love you, my best friend, and wish you would not have to endure what you are going thruough. You know what, I will try to help you out. Petyr is teaching me some useful things, like persuading people to do what you want them to, and I think I can slowly steal Ser Lothor Brune's loyalty from him and I will send him north to help you out. I promise.

I wish we meet soon,
staying your etc.

Sansa Stark

[Doran Martell]

To Jon Snow.

Dear Mr Snow, as Chairman of the Wight Rights Society I feel it is my obligation to publicly denounce your organizations racially discrimating policies. In this day and age, such prejudice is unacceptable. I will be using my MANY connections to take legal actions against the Nights watch.

Sincerely, Chairman Arthas Menenthril.

P.S We'll kick your ass at the softball game this year. Suck it, daddy's boy!