TED ROCKSON: ULTIMATE AMERICAN (Barbarian Snark #6)

[Maithanet]

Hey, they blew up an AMERICAN MOOSE. That's practically genocide!

Aren't they in Canada by now? I assumed the Moose was a clue that they had crossed the border. Which makes the war crimes all the more egregious, as Rock doesn't even have the "defending our homeland" excuse. Instead it's "we must win our proxy war in Canada for FREEDOM!"

[Rorshach]

FREEDOM! is always important. And if no scatter-brained anarchistic-leaning mutant FREEDOM!-fighter is there to impose it, who will???

[MinDonner]

OH MY GOD. There are audio productions. Did you know this? I didn't know this.

http://ga.dev.schawelcoles.com/doomsday-warrior-8-american-glory.html Listen to the sample. LISTEN TO IT. (It's the vine scene from book 8. The scene from book 9 is even more ridiculous - it is the moose scene Min mentions above. Do moose even have paws??)

ETA: AP - it really is appalling, isn't it?

Finally listened to this :lmao: Oh holy shit! I love how the narrator sounds like an Xtranormal bot, though McCaughlin's "Scottish" accent comes a close second. And again the ever-disposable Reston!

[Darzin]

Well in 2067 the US annexed Canada as part of the Sino-American war.... So really Rock is just protecting the fauna of greater America. For freedom of course.

[MinDonner]

War crimes accomplished, our heroes shortly make camp, where McCaughlin cooks up some "moose-a-la moss rations". Moose-a-la! The next morning, Rock uses his "electron binoculars" to spot the radio antenna in the distance. I get the impression that Stacy has heard of electron microscopes, and thinks that adding "electron" to the names of optical equipment makes them moar extrasuper powerfuller. But maybe that was how Rock was able to spot those invisible weeping blue atoms in the last book.

Though it has been explicitly spelled out as "the first grey light of dawn", the lazy Russian guards sleeping at the doorway are described as having a "siesta". This makes entry to the radio shack surprisingly bloodless; extra surprisingly, given that a mere few weeks ago the Rock Squad had already invaded it with grenades and massive carnage. You'd think that would inspire the guards to a tad more vigilance? Anyway, they take the two guards as hostages(!) then enter the building without incident, shouting "Surpriski!" to alert the technicians. Must have been a new set of staff, as none of them goes "oh, you again?", but as usual the technicians are not fighting men and just roll over and let Rock use the equipment to call Vassily.

Vassily takes a few minutes to come to the phone, claiming that it is 2am in Moscow. Hmmm. Let's assume we're still in November, and in the vicinity of North Dakota, which would put sunrise at around 8am. Moscow being around 10 hours ahead, would in fact make it about 6pm. IF, in fact, Vassily is in Moscow at all! All we know is that he's at the other end of a radio signal... let's check a time-zone map for where he'd have to be, if it really was 2am. I suppose he might be in Kamchatka. Or... NEW ZEALAND? Has this all been a Kiwi plot all along, with the Russians their innocent stooges?

Sadly, Vassily cannot pinpoint Killov's exact location, because Rock destroyed most of the satellite network when he was in Moscow that time (CONTINUITY!). BUT he can send along a technician called Major Scheransky who can follow Killov's trail with a tracking device, and he'll be parachuted in tomorrow at noon. Fine, whatevs. Over and out!

The radio techs gaze at Rockson with awe (of course they do). And now, in the most surprising turn of events we've seen to date, the Rock Squad actually sits down to chat and play poker with some commies, like they are actual people or something!!! And they even talk politics!

Old vodka-guzzler expresses cynicism about centralised government, and proposes they should go back to nature and live "Chekhov's ideal of real communal living" - and I was about to go "lol Chekhov, that famous father of Socialism", but a bit of Googling suggests that this throwaway sentence is not entirely inaccurate. :stunned: Guys, there is NO WAY that Stacy wrote these two pages unaided.

A younger Commie says stuff about how a strong government is necessary, a dictatorship of the workers just like what Lenin wanted, then Rock gets his chance to sing the praises of the American system, with all its checks and balances and Supreme Courts and executives and legislatures and free press.

"All people born equal, but after that... they get according to the exertion and ingenuity they put out. From each according to his ability, to each according to his efforts."

"In Communist theory," one of the techs said, "it is: to each according to his needs."

"Sounds like a system for slackers," Rock said. "Anyway, Communism doesn't even do that."

Hate to break it to you, Rock, but capitalism doesn't quite work the way you think it does, either. But in any case, wow! An actual acknowledgement that communist theory is not quite the same as the NaziSlavePaedoThievingBarbarism that we've been seeing for the last 9 books!

No WAY did Stacy write this section. I refuse to believe it!

[lacuna]

An editor, perhaps, wakes from the drunken stupor needed to associate with this kak, and drops a little knowledge into a random chapter?

[Gillio]

was this one written after these threads started?

maybe it has inspired him?

[Rorshach]

Nah, I think all 23 (?) of these were written back in the 80s or something.

[Maithanet]

Old vodka-guzzler expresses cynicism about centralised government, and proposes they should go back to nature and live "Chekhov's ideal of real communal living" - and I was about to go "lol Chekhov, that famous father of Socialism", but a bit of Googling suggests that this throwaway sentence is not entirely inaccurate. :stunned: Guys, there is NO WAY that Stacy wrote these two pages unaided.

Well, assuming he means Anton Chekhov, and not Pavel Chekhov, maybe.

Rock gets his chance to sing the praises of the American system, with all its checks and balances and Supreme Courts and executives and legislatures and free press.

Rrrright. Except that is the American system of the 20th Century, which bears no more resemblance to the current government than Turkey does to the WW1 Ottoman Empire. Checks and balances? I've seen none of those. 21st Century America seems like this is a military state with a civilian "president" who is mostly ceremonial and makes no important decisions. The democracy seems like an effort to improve legitimacy, as military governments always seek to do. The Supreme Court? I have seen no evidence of any sort of court system. Legislatures? I don't see how electing President Vegetable Langford really counts as legislative action. Free Press? Do they mostly report on the inter-city baseball games?

No WAY did Stacy write this section. I refuse to believe it!

This chapter does seem like a radical departure from the tone set in the previous books. Although you might say that the true "turning point" of the story was Rock and Vassily coming to an agreement and Vassily inexplicably honoring it in the last book.

Nah, I think all 23 (?) of these were written back in the 80s or something.

According to Wikipedia, there were 19 books written between 1984 and 1991.

[Larry of the Lawn]

Yeah Stacy's 'career' crumbled with the wall.

[Rorshach]

Fact checking in a Rockson thread??

That's tyranny!

[Edda van Heefmstra Ruston]

Yeah Stacy's 'career' crumbled with the wall.

And (Jan) Stacy's death in 1989.

[Larry of the Lawn]

And (Jan) Stacy's death in 1989.

Well I suppose he lives on in his art.

[Galactus]

Though it has been explicitly spelled out as "the first grey light of dawn", the lazy Russian guards sleeping at the doorway are described as having a "siesta".

This is canada. In the winter. That statement makes perfect sense.

[MinDonner]

Oh my god. I have just this evening become acquainted with the works of Geoffrey Ho, "director" of about a zillion films about ninjas in the mid-80s (by which I mean, he apparently took a load of Z-list kung fu movies which were possibly filmed with a camcorder in the cinema, and then spliced in some incredibly cheap and badly-acted footage of Western actors poncing about in "ninja" outfits, which you can recognise cos they have "ninja" actually written on their headbands). Now I see where Stacy got his inspiration for all those terrifyingly accurate martial arts scenes. :stunned:

[Gillio]

Oh my god. I have just this evening become acquainted with the works of Geoffrey Ho, "director" of about a zillion films about ninjas in the mid-80s (by which I mean, he apparently took a load of Z-list kung fu movies which were possibly filmed with a camcorder in the cinema, and then spliced in some incredibly cheap and badly-acted footage of Western actors poncing about in "ninja" outfits, which you can recognise cos they have "ninja" actually written on their headbands). Now I see where Stacy got his inspiration for all those terrifyingly accurate martial arts scenes. :stunned:

In English? :eek: :laugh:

[Larry of the Lawn]

I like the idea of having "ninja" spelled out on the headband. I am often confused watching movies. Why are there different characters? Why is no one wearing a name tag?

[lacuna]

Everyone's always going on about "show, don't tell". Well, here it's shown! Be satisfied for once in your miserable lives! :tantrum:

[Gillio]

I like the idea of having "ninja" spelled out on the headband. I am often confused watching movies. Why are there different characters? Why is no one wearing a name tag?

Actually, not just names, they should have a cloud of plot points floating about their heads, and the plot points should change colour or light up or something, if the character interacts with someone, so you can tell whats going on.

[Larry of the Lawn]

Actually, not just names, they should have a cloud of plot points floating about their heads, and the plot points should change colour or light up or something, if the character interacts with someone, so you can tell whats going on.

Omg yes.