Toth

The "knows how to behave" part just gave me flashbacks to a former colleague of mine telling "funny" dating stories of hers. She was a former model and actress before becoming theater teacher and was absurdly conventionally attractive. The thing is, she somehow almost entirely went out with rich snobs who behaved cartoonishly evil towards restaurant staff, apparently as an attempt to show off to her that they can get away with it. Given how she still kept downplaying it as "people with money are just eccentric", it really made me question her taste in men, I must admit, but I also take it as a sign that going after men with a lot of money may backfire. Granted, I can also see the point that a guy with less money may also get a complex about it and become nasty, because some people just have ego issues either way, but I'm certain there must be some kind of balance where the "vibe" is one where they look above becoming a hassle because of that.

I think the issue is that I saw myself so much even in his flaws that she mentioned... and that's in fact this, that I just... never felt that strongly about anyone. And have to wonder whether this is because I've almost never met a female single so far and therefore rationally held myself back, or whether I stifled my emotions with my anxiety or whether I'm just straight up asexual (for which I have also plenty of evidence and the guy in the story was quite upfront about being asexual, but willing to try it anyway for her's sake). So it sounds to me like as long as I'm not able to feel for someone as strongly as to loose all inhibitions, I don't deserve to be loved back, huh... Because quite frankly, selfishness is something I am very hesitant about either. At worst I am self-centered when I feel bad... Hey, I'm well aware that this ideal me is still just me and still has my flaws under the surface. That's exactly why this story resonated as much with me because her descriptions of it matched with how even in my own fantasies I see myself awkward as hell when it comes to sex and find the idea of intimacy far more desirable than any of the mechanics, if that makes any sense. Well no, she was perfectly clear about it that he was crossing all of her boxes with the sole exception that after a month she still needed to guide him in bed and that that killed all attraction to him. She ended up saying that they are still friends and that she hopes he gets together with someone who likes it less rough for him to make the experience he needs.

Well, the most comparable story I have is one new colleague last year demanding to know how a student like me sneaked into the staff room in the most conceited "I am worth so much more than you" way possible. Then again, the guy was an absolute psycho and now everyone who acted only bemused at my open hostility towards him is now saying they knew all along he was creepy, now that he has been fired. But yeah, I guess I should try to see it this way. Somehow... Had at least an amusing discussion on Discord about it recently with someone who shares the same fate. Also congrats to household merger of course!

Just came across a story of a girl complaining about her ex-boyfriend, where the guy behaved pretty much exactly like that ideal me that I have been fantasizing about, with him being very considerate, having long talks about wants and needs and trying to fulfill her every wish and... yet the story still ended with her dumping him for being awkward and inexperienced in bed and thus not making her feel desired enough. And they were 10 years younger than me. Sigh... I know the story of two strangers on the internet shouldn't concern me, but it still feels like a stab in the belly and makes me think that intimacy is impossible for guys like me...

The only end goal for that that I can think of would be to settle things with Iran once and for all, but that is also an inherently stupid thing to start, because the reaction of other Muslim nations really can't be anticipated there. Being the aggressor there nukes decades of normalization which were the only reason why so many Muslim nations have reacted to the Gaza war with verbal protest only. There is a good chance they'd exchange a situation with only one openly hostile neighbor left with one where almost everyone is hostile again.

We are also in a proxy war with Russia in Ukraine and I don't see France blow up the Russian embassy in Mali. The whole idea of a proxy war is to not directly attack the other one for fear of uncontrollable escalation. Therefore the Israeli attack was mindbogglingly stupid. If they hadn't done that, we would not have the risk of war at hand now. I just hope for once Netanyahu can swallow down his ego and everyone's temper can calm down. The ball is in his court. Eye for an eye needs to end right here.

Mmh. I've made the experience that trying to be cheeky about it always backfires with the other one never understanding what I try to get across. Granted, sometimes when someone asks for my age in visible astonishment, I have started to sometimes reply: "Old." Can't. I unfortunately don't have the genes for that. The most I can do is a mustache. Which I currently have... and contemplating to get rid of specifically to supplement my new attempt at acting more confidently. I'm musing that the also affects my confidence because it feels like something I actually don't like and only wear for that goal of looking older. Without it, I would look even younger, but I wouldn't have a reminder of my insecurity anymore. Does that make sense?

Maybe, but up until then, I find it rather a hindrance. When you get asked for ID when buying a lighter, because you need to be 14 to buy one, I think it's obvious that there is something wrong with the shape of my face. That happened two years ago. On top of that, just now I needed an ID photo for my personal file at work and rummaged through my old ID photos. I genuinely had trouble telling apart 10 years old photos from ones I had made a year ago...

Yesterday I was wished good luck for my high school final exam by an unknown student while I was camping outside the exam room for my monitoring duty. I... I really never get to look my age, can I?

I'm... hoping of course that it helped... but sometimes I'm not sure I've not prolonged my downwards spirals with all the hours mentally churning through the stuff I want to yell into the void... If I had shrugged and moved on I maybe would have been able to... or exploded at some point, I don't know. Though I have to note I'm conflicted as to how to proceed at my home situation at the moment. I feel my... attempt at creating a social me stands in conflict, obviously, with the sorry state of communication at home and I wonder whether I have to expand and adjust it to compensate. The thing is, for about a year I'm essentially giving my mother the silent treatment. Ever since I made the mistake of tentatively trying to express how I feel discouraged by her reflex to talk me out of anything I want to do and she absolutely exploded, trashing the house and threatening to destroy all my stuff while I'm at work for hours. Ever since then I just nod and say yes to anything, but otherwise try to get away with saying nothing at all. So far, she hadn't really minded it much for some reason, but now that I've spent the last two weekends completely outside the house and refuse to tell her where I was, she is getting really irritated and goes on regular rants about how much I must suck at my job if I am acting in front of students the same way I am acting towards her. At the same time, I guess partly now because of my renewed vigor to focus on attention, but also because I had two weeks of holiday while she didn't, I noticed just how extreme her habit of nonstop talking is. During the weekdays, she's wake up at 7 am and from then on started to talk to me as I was awoken by the cat anyway. And she continues no matter where she is, whether at the desk in my room, in the kitchen, in the bath or her bedroom, she is constantly commenting on every thing that is going through her mind, but still regularly expecting me to respond and getting upset when I don't. She does this until she leaves the house at 9:30 am and left me an anxious mess in that entire time. I then managed to have something of a productive day, but once she returns, she immediately continues and needs to tell me every little bit of what happened her today and why she hates her boss and all her coworkers, while I just sit frozen at the computer, having to close all my tabs and listen until she wanders off again to curse in the kitchen. In a way, I find it really sad. Clearly I'm her only confidante. After all, she has no friends or family she is on speaking terms either. I did once suggest to try and find a hobby, but she scoffed at the idea... And yet, as written above, she now seems to realize how distant I am gets mad about it. Well, on the other hand to say a positive thing she did, last Sunday she must have noticed how distressed I was when she all of a sudden wanted me to cook (which she usually never does, rarely even touching whatever I cook, complaining about me using ingredients she doesn't like) and I was panicking because I wanted to go out to a board game night. Eventually after I froze up and started cursing myself, she told me to at least get the garbage out on my way out, essentially giving me a push to do so. I was an hour late, but at least I went... ... so now I'm wondering whether I should pretend I am on good terms with her and talk normally to avoid the tense atmosphere at home to get worse. On the other hand, I just feel constantly miserable because I know my ideal self could talk to her about my sense of suffocation without making her go off... but then again, she has such a short fuse when she thinks I am acting to betray her that I absolutely can't risk it.

Damn... I believe my recent tabletop exposure and some recent conversations with new online acquaintances have turned me wistful. I really would love to DM at some point. I have familiarized myself with the role of a player in one-shots and now that Star Wars campaign I joined, but initially my fascination came from listening to D&D live games, with Dimension 20 and Brennan's extremely good DMing front and center. And now... I've got myself a bunch of one-page one-shots, inspired by the great DM from the fanfiction Discord, and on top of that bought myself a batch of dice, including some really pretty liquid core ones that caught my eyes, even though they feel more like dice-shaped snow globes rather than what I had initially envisioned from the store photos. And well... these past two weeks, after four months of wavering and flaking, I've ended up going to board game evenings at a bar. So far mostly just joining whatever table had a spot open and was willing to adopt me. At the same time I saw people just bring their own set of games, take an empty table and try to look inviting for anyone wandering along. And here I wonder whether one of these days I pack those dice and one-shots and a bunch of regular games in case nobody is interested and try my luck finding people curious enough for a brief impromptu adventure. Is that a bad idea? Ironically, I saw one of the board game meetups at a different day in that same group advertising one-page one-shots as a separate table. In fact, the exact same one-page one-shots that I got clued in on by the Discord DM, because apparently there is only one writer who does these. In any case, I wonder whether I overstep any boundaries trying...

This feeling of feeling like Sisyphus really resonates deeply with me and I can only encourage you to scroll up to my Eureka moment earlier. I think it is important to acknowledge that there will be no magical moment where you tell yourself "Great! I'm fixed now! Now I can finally do the things to make myself happy that I have put off all this time." I don't know how it is for you, and granted, it sounds like you are actually better integrated into having a social life than I am, but I am quite aware that even when I was nice and considerate, I always kept some degree of distance for fear of letting them see how troubled I actually am. Which naturally affects my posture and and makes me shy away from opening up or even just grasping opportunities to know people closer. Why would I ask them anything about themselves when I don't know them too well... wouldn't they ask me something first if they were truly interested? You see how that automatically creates distance. So for me, I think it is equally important to acknowledge that, while it is true that you can't just switch off your fears and anxieties, that at the same time fears and anxieties are things that only exist for you in your head and not necessarily in the image other people have of you. So for me, when I decide to create a "social self" that I let interact with people in a way I wish I could have always interacted with them, I certainly hope that many of my insecurities get smoothed over and I at least manage to get a foot into the door. Also I have to say, it's not just a role to play, it is still a part of me. That's why it is important to think about your core values and what you yourself envision you to be in different circumstances. How do you see your ideal self interact with people, both platonically and romantically? How do you see your ideal self express their interest in other peoples' lives? How do you see your ideal self react to people displaying different values to your own? How do you see your ideal self resolve conflicts? Having a guideline like this at the very least gives a bit of security to cling to.

Sigh... I'm sorry. I know I really shouldn't vent, but I feel like I need to. The thought of stepping back into the "world" of dating as a 30 years old guy who has never successfully made that first step, just feels... daunting. Too daunting, actually. I've done a lot of soul-searching recently and decided for myself to not hold back anymore. I lost the last 12 years of my life taking care of my mother and it gave me a lot of anxiety about how people wouldn't understand my situation. So I always reflexively withdrew, even when I really wanted people in my life. Or rather, particularly when I knew I wanted to seek someone for my life, because it always felt unfair and selfish. I thought I was doing them a favor when I did. But now I want to act as my ideal self, even if my home situation hasn't changed. I can't wait any longer for me to miraculously love myself before I can get out. I can be interested in someone else's life, I can be kind and considerate even without reaching some imaginary "I am fixed now" point. So I went out into the world, grasping for opportunities... and all I did was noticing once again I am getting along really well with taken or otherwise unavailable women. I am having endless chats, exchanging interests, feel comfortable... and yet... while I appreciate their company, I am painfully well aware that they cannot help me with my deeper loneliness, my craving for intimacy and touch starvation. I find myself surrounded with couples, listening to stories of romantic bonds, of establishing trust and expressing wants and needs and I can't help but feel wistful. I want that as well! But have absolutely zero clue how to find someone and show them that kindest possible me that I have created for myself. I know this sounds like some "nice guy" crap, but I'm genuinely absolutely clueless about meeting singles and showing interest. And to some degree fear that the same attributes that make me seem so... "unthreatening" to taken women, would come across as repellent to women who are searching. I guess I'm also here because I had an odd conversation with female acquaintances on Discord yesterday urging me to give online dating another shot, telling me of their great experiences there, at the same time stressing that they themselves would never want to be approached in real life. They made it sound like Online Dating seems to be the only venue where you could find women that are actually seeking. But that caused me only discomfort because I have tried to avoid the apps because the utter silence on them was poison to my mental health. That is why I tried to make more acquaintances in real life in the first place. But ugh... I ended up looking through my old photos from my last attempt at online dating as I was weighing my chances. However I found that they are all horrible and became self-conscious again about how much I dislike my face and how impossible it feels to get across my new confident "social self" with that face in the way. I tried to make new photos while out, but they still don't feel different.

There are a couple of plausible sounding theories around that you need to be in the second generation of stars for there to even be enough heavier materials in the galaxy to form solid planets. Then comes the above mentioned issue with distance. We are looking right now far into the past of the galaxy and even further into the past of the rest of the universe, given that the other galaxies are moving away from us with more than light speed and speeding up. Whatever life there currently is in other galaxies, there is absolutely zero chance for us to ever detect it, because all we can see is those galaxies in a primordial state. While I find it also vexing that there are no obvious signs of life in the direct neighborhood, I'm willing to think that most sentient life is just incredibly rare and odds are, it developed too far away and too recently for us to get clear signals as of yet. We ourselves are 26.000ly away from the galactic core. Let's say, there is a civilization at the other side of the galaxy within the same "habitable zone" where stars exploded close enough for there to be enough of the necessary matter, but not so close that you get constantly messed up by gravitational pulls and more supernovae ruining your day, so a further 52.000ly away. Let's say this civilization started to do what we did when we first started out, sending our radio wave messages. And if we are lucky that there is no inference between us that scrambles the waves... that civilization needs to have existed 52.000 years in the past. And like fionwe noted, there is a huge fucking black hole and an absurdly thick cluster of stars between us, so there is only so much we can detect at this range that can be discerned from the immense background noise of said black hole, star clusters, star foundries and even more background chatter from the forming of other galaxies. It's a damned huge haystack out there. Probability says something will be out there. Heck, I'm even fairly sure there is more primitive life here in this star system. I'm thinking of the ocean floors of Ganymede and Europa or the clouds of Venus. Probably just some microbes, but life is tough and the building blocks are there. Sentient life certainly will be out there somewhere as well. It's just a question of whether it's close enough for us to ever run into them.

Lesson of the day: My English seems to be far less okay than I thought it was. I finally managed to get to a Meetup after almost 4 months of being on the damn platform and this time even was shoved into a group to play with. Eventually the group dissolved and everyone went home and since everyone else was in the middle of a game, I went and watch a game of Werewolf. The thing is, my table apparently was the only one purely German, whereas the other tables were all in English because of the varied backgrounds. The Werewolf game was directed by this very fast-speaking British dude who apparently organized this every week for countless months on end. So you can imagine he was trying to play the game at a very brisk pace... and I must admit, as a spectator, I couldn't understand a single thing. He was speaking far too fast for me to follow. I already know that my pronunciation and speaking speed is considerably more shaky because of my lack of practice than my writing would suggest, but I was taken aback that I also have so much difficulty in in-person listening to someone who I imagine was an auctioneer in a previous life. Dang it... But much more surprising was how many of the players actually seemed to be able to follow him (not all, mind you, some also looked fairly lost and miserable).