Myshkin

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  • Birthday 08/19/1981

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    Long Beach, CA
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    Androgynous Alien Sex God

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  1. Goodkind 54: How to Revive a Dead Dick

    Chapters 62-66 In Nicci's inner monologue we are told she never retreats under any circumstances. Directly after we are told this, Nicci retreats. Everyone scurries back to Cliffwall to regroup. Bannon's super bummed about what's happened to his babes. Back at Cliffwall Nicci interrogates the remaining memmers. They don't really want to rat out Vicky, but Nicci teaches them the Wizard's Second Rule, the one about how good intentions can still lead to bad shit. Thus enlightened, the memmers tell her the spell Vicky used. But it's in some old-timey jibber-jabber that Nicci don't understand. Nate can read it though, so he gets to work on figuring out what to do. Bannon's decided that he's gotta save his three bottom bitches, because he loves them. This kid is such a fucking sap. If I'd known he was gonna get all mushy I wouldn't have been rooting for him to get laid in the first place. Anyway, he's going to go scout the forest on his own. Meanwhile, Vicky knows she's gotta take out Nate and Nicci fast, so she creates something called a shaksis, and sends it out to murder our heroes. A shaksis is basically a golem made out of bugs and forest stuff, but is still nowhere near as cool as a Skeksis. Bannon makes it to the forest around midnight, and as soon as he gets to the edge of it the three former acolytes appear. All three have dark green nipples now. Terry is very preoccupied with nipple color. Bannon succumbs to their siren call, but right before he steps into the forest Mrra the cougar appears and knocks him down. This really pisses the forest chicks off. They try to grab Bannon with their thorny claws, but he hacks the shit out of them with his lackluster sword. He's crying like a total wuss the whole time. But the babes don't die, they just keep regrowing new limbs and stuff, and finally Bannon runs away. Back at Cliffwall Nate thinks he's found an answer. Or maybe a clue as to where to find an answer. They gotta go back into that magic damaged tower where they found the acorn. They decide they'll get a good night sleep first, then venture forth in the morning. Nicci is awoken by shouts. She wakes up instantly ready to fight, because she's a badass, and rushes out into the hallway, where she's joined by Thistle and Nate Dog. There they find the shaksis, who is fucking shit up. Nicci doesn't dare bring the full force of her power to bear for fear of destroying the books. This is the problem with writing Mary Sue characters; you always have to find some excuse for why your perfect in every way protagonist is unable to easily handle the situation. The shaksis makes the mistake of grabbing Thistle, thus igniting Nicci's righteous rage. Nicci blasts it with some fire and it dies. Just like that. Terry made this thing out to be some kind of super magic assassin, but all it took to kill the thing was a little fire. Fire is like the go-to move for every magic user ever. In the morning Nicci, Nate, and Nate's lady friend (or is she his special lady?) Mia head into the damaged tower to find a book that'll help them beat the new and improved Vicky/Life's Mistress. This is the second time Terry's made a big deal about going into this particular damaged tower, and the second time that it's turned out to be NBD. They just stroll in, grab the book, and stroll back out. The book tells them that the only way to kill Life's Mistress is for a powerful sorceress (that would be Nicci) to pierce her with an arrow shot from a bow made out of a dragon rib. They don't gots a dragon rib currently, but I bet they'll find one. Everybody gathers round to discuss how impossible it's gonna be to even find a dragon, let alone kill it and harvest a rib. Thistle pipes up to say that they don't need to find a dragon, they just need to find a rib from one. Nate Dog, like a fucking idiot, tells her that as dragon ribs come from dragons they do indeed need to find and kill a dragon. Thistle, a 10 year old child, calmly explains to the gathered morons that in fact they only really need to find a dragon skeleton. Everybody is astounded by how intelligent she is for thinking of this blindingly obvious fact. Also, guess what? Thistle's heard of this place up north were dragons go to die. It's called Kuloth Vale. I have a bad feeling here. My kindle says we're 85% of the way through this book, and we still have to go on a journey to find a dragon rib, come back and kill Vicky, resume the journey to Kol Adair, and finally find Kol Adair and do whatever the fuck needs doing there. Either this is gonna be one hell of a rushed ending, or we're looking at a cliffhanger.
  2. MLB Offseason: Countdown to 2124

    USA handles biz! WBC champions.
  3. MLB Offseason: Countdown to 2124

    I don't want to curse it or anything, but Stroman's gotta stay in, right? ETA: shit, I guess I cursed it. Sorry everyone.
  4. MLB Offseason: Countdown to 2124

    Wake up dudes, the US is eyeballing its first WBC title.
  5. Goodkind 54: How to Revive a Dead Dick

    Chapters 59-61 Several times in this thread I have boasted that I am better than my predecessors; stronger of will, truer of heart. While this is undeniably true, I feel now that perhaps I have undervalued these brave souls. I understand fully now the pain and horror they experienced, and which ultimately killed them. I feel a deep and abiding kinship with them, and as I endeavor forward with my mission, I do so to honor the sacrifices they made. Okay, so not only does Nicci have a new Warder in Mrra, turns out she's also a warg. She dreams of hunting as the magic cougar, and even catches a glimpse of Vicky and the acolyte babes as they prepare for their ill-fated spell, though she doesn't really register it. She also remembers some stuff about Mrra's tragic upbringing. The cougar and her sister cougars were captured as cubs by a wizard and brought to some great city called Ildakar (which is almost an anagram of Kol Adair. Coincidence?), where the wizard branded them with magic and made them fight in gladiator matches. They were the best killing machines the city had ever seen, which makes it weird that they got their asses handed to them by a 10 year old girl, a bumbling asshole, and a sorceress whose magic wouldn't work on them. Anyway, they eventually killed their handlers and escaped the city. Then some time later they ran into the above mentioned trio and two of them died. And that's the story of Mrra up to this point. Nate's found some maps, and so our group is ready to leave Cliffwall. I guess it doesn't matter that those maps will be thousands of years out of date. Bannon though doesn't want to leave without saying goodbye to his three true loves. Oh Bannon, sorry bud. Just then Mia comes running up and tells everyone that some weird shit's happening in the valley. Cut back to Vicky, who is surprisingly still alive. More than alive really; the plant rape she suffered has connected her to the magic forest she created. She seems to be half tree, half woman, and is now the conduit for all that life force she unleashed. And she will no longer be satisfied with reclaiming the valley; she will expand this forest to cover the entire world. She is the bizarro Lifedrinker. She chides herself for misunderstanding the forest's intent, for struggling against it as it raped her. This is so fucking ridiculous. Vicky decides she will need lieutenants to help her fulfill her new calling, and so resurrects Audrey, Laurel, and Sage. These chicks aren't really the same chicks they were before, but rather manifestations of Vicky's magic. Also, their hair is described as looking like Spanish moss. As there is no Spain in Terryland, it's a mystery as to why this particular plant would still be called Spanish moss. Vicky tells her new lieutenants to kill all humans. Back at Cliffwall everyone agrees they gotta go out and see this crazy new forest for themselves. Simon and our four heroes lead an expedition into the former Scar. Nicci's the only one who thinks this might be bad news. In the forest the expedition comes across the new and improved Audrey, Laurel, and Sage. The three forest nymphs are naked, and exude seductive pheromones. Every dude in the expedition gets the biggest boner of his life. Bannon's ready to bone down right then and there, but Simon shoves him out of the way. He wants greens on these babes. They rip him limb from limb in front of everybody. Everyone's all like, “Holy shit! WTF?” Then giant tree-woman Vicky emerges from the forest depths, enormous pendulous boobs swaying. She looks at Nicci and proclaims herself Life's Mistress. It's a pretty sick burn.
  6. Rothfuss XII: The Doors of Twitch

    Rothfuss ultimately chooses what he does or doesn't write, but his editors should have taken a much firmer hand with him earlier on. They did him a huge disservice by seemingly opting for a hands off approach instead.
  7. Goodkind 54: How to Revive a Dead Dick

    Vicky is one of the grossest stereotypes we've ever encountered in Terryland. She's been driven crazy by her inability to have babies. As a woman, pushing new life out of her vagina is her raison d'etre, and so her infertility has naturally broken her fragile lady-mind. That is the totality of her character development. Nicci on the other hand has chosen not to have babies, but we are made aware that she is fully capable of reproducing should she so choose, and is therefore a complete woman.
  8. Rothfuss XII: The Doors of Twitch

    I think Rothfuss is too close to his story to make an objective assessment of it, and I think his editors have failed him utterly by not doing their jobs and reining in his revisionist tendencies.
  9. Goodkind 54: How to Revive a Dead Dick

    Chapters 55-58 Vicky's not happy at all about how long it might take for the valley to regain its former glory, or about how puny the sapling that sprang from the acorn is, and she blames Nicci for it. Women straight up do not get along with each other at all in Terry's world. Vicky's decided that she's gonna accelerate the revitalization process by fucking around with some magic, just as soon as she can figure out the best way to go about it. This will not end well. As a side note, Terry keeps portraying the memmers (ugh, that fucking name) as obsolete relics who are desperate to hold on to their former glory. Now that scholars from outside can access the archive the memmers are no longer needed. This makes absolutely zero fucking sense. The memmers hold all the vast knowledge of the archive inside their heads. That's like the most useful magical ability I've ever heard of. We find out that despite boning Bannon as often as possible, none of the three hot acolytes is preggers yet. Vicky is disappointed by this. These chicks need to get knocked up, and fast. Vicky suddenly memmers the exact spell she needs. From the description we get of it the spell might as well be called the In Case A Lifedrinker Happens spell. Ooh, but the spell requires blood. Blood magic is generally bad news. Vicky takes her babe acolytes out to the Eldertree sapling in the middle of the night, and they all get naked. We learn here that Sage's nipples are dark in color, and that Audrey's got a thick bush. Vicky explains to the three chicks that they're gonna give birth to a new world tonight, whatever that means. She also tells them that female magic is stronger than male magic, which is categorically untrue in Terryland. At this point the three acolytes begin to masturbate. No joke. And it's not part of the spell or anything. These chicks are so turned on by the the thought of birthing a new world that they just start beating off right in front of each other. Vicky tells them they gotta drink from this bottle of mysterious liquid she's brought with her. Audrey takes the bottle with her “moist fingers”, takes a slug, and passes it to the others. They all pass out. Vicky ties them to the sapling. Apparently for no other reason than to be cruel, she waits for them to wake up before cutting their throats. Told you blood magic was bad news. The spell works though. A kickass forest begins to grow right before Vicky's eyes. Her evil deeds have been justified! Oh wait, something's gone wrong. The plants grab her, and I kid you not, rape her. This is a new low. A woman has been raped by a forest. WTF is wrong with Terry Goodkind?
  10. Goodkind 54: How to Revive a Dead Dick

    1) Generally speaking, nipples are awesome enough not to need magic. Bannon is entranced by Audrey's boobs because boobs are fucking great. No magic required. 2) SkynJay's got the right of it as far as to how nipple magic works. But he forgot the most important way in which nipple magic works; it gives Terry cover for allowing the narrative to dwell on boobs. 3) It's been a long time since I read the pertinent book, but I'm pretty sure there's vagina magic in Terryworld as well. I remember Dick's skeevy psycho half brother fingered one of the leather chicks once for magical purposes.
  11. MLB Offseason: Countdown to 2124

    USA on to the finals!
  12. MLB Offseason: Countdown to 2124

    This game better not fucking end the same way last night's game did.
  13. Goodkind 54: How to Revive a Dead Dick

    Chapters 51-54 As she and Bannon travel through the Scar Nicci gets herself all worked up about what a monster this Lifedrinker guy is, how he's killed a whole bunch of people just because he was afraid to die. I think it prudent to remind everyone at this point that Nicci herself has almost certainly murdered a shitload more people than the Lifedrinker. Near the center of the Scar our heroes are attacked by a group of giant Komodo dragons. Nicci uses her magic to kill one of them, but then she feels the Lifedrinker start stealing her magic. So now Nicci can't use magic. Of course. The lizards are described as graceful and well coordinated, and yet they attack one at a time, allowing Bannon to kill most of them. But then his sword gets stuck in a lizard cranium, and while he's trying to get it free the last of the monsters comes for Nicci. She's fucked, and she knows it. But just when she thinks she's gonna bite it, Mrra the cougar comes out of nowhere, presumably alerted by the Warder bond, and rips the lizard's guts out. Finally we get to the center of the Scar. Shit's real bad here. It's all lava and broken rocks and stuff. By this point Nicci and Bannon have both had a substantial amount of life drunk out of them, but they're still ready to rumble. A bunch of dog-sized scorpions and even more jerky people show up, but Nicci tells the Lifedrinker to stop being such a wuss and come face her himself. Pride stung, he obliges. The Lifedrinker is not described in great detail. He's crooked and bent, and shrouded in a robe. You know, typical evil wizard stuff. He emerges from a bottomless pit and mutters something about how he hungers. Nicci's like, “No probs, I got a knuckle sandwich right here for you.” Nicci, now super old because of all the life that's been drunk out of her, hobbles her way toward the Lifedrinker. His minions attack. Hundreds of jerky people and giant scorpions. But they're no match for Bannon (also super old by now) and Mrra. The neophyte swordsman and the magical cougar hold off the evil wizard's entire undead army. Now the Lifedrinker's crying about how he never wanted any of this, how he was just trying to save himself but now he can't stop the magic. Nicci tells him too fucking bad bro, then shoves the magic acorn down his throat. (You guys remember the magic acorns in Willow? That's got nothing to do with this, but it's a great movie. Warwick Davis and Val Kilmer were awesome in it. Did you know that Val Kilmer and Joanne Whalley, who played Sorsha, got married after falling in love on set?) The Lifedrinker is no match for the acorn, and after a bit of a struggle he dies. In his place a small sapling now stands. Nicci and Bannon are returned to their former youth and beauty. Nicci has now fulfilled her half of the prophecy by saving the world, just like Red the witch woman said she would. Lifedrinker defeated our heroes head back to Cliffwall. The valley's still pretty dead, but there's signs of new life and we're all pretty sure shit's gonna go back to normal now. They don't stay at Cliffwall for long though; the day after they get back they lead a bunch of scholars and memmers out to the spot where the Lifedrinker bit it. Ha, during his speech to the scholars about how they can now reclaim the valley, Nate Dog forgets what series he's in and calls the Scar the Blight.
  14. Goodkind 54: How to Revive a Dead Dick

    That's probably way down the road. As Ded As Ned pointed out earlier in this thread, the Old World, despite being real old, has a shitload of uncharted territory. I don't think Nicci and Nate, and therefor Bannon, are gonna be going back home to Dick any time soon. Remember that Nicci's job is to inform the entire world that they are Dick's subjects now. Now back to the show. Chapters 48-50 Bannon's chilling in his room, washing cougar blood off himself, when Audrey the brunette acolyte lets herself in. She's not the one with the most generous breasts, that would be Sage, but she's still totally doable. She takes over the bathing process, and Bannon gets a boner. Not a metaphorical one; Terry actually describes the boner. It's prominent. Audrey grabs the prominent boner. Good for Bannon. I know this chick is some kind of succubus or something, but I'm still happy for him. Now Audrey whips her boobs out (her nipples are dark, like berries), and Bannon is struck dumb by their perfection. She straddles him in the cowgirl position, and they totally fucking bone! I'm pretty sure Bannon was a virgin. After the bonefest he ruminates on how his entire world has changed. He's all like, “I just had sex, and I'll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past.” He also gets super clingy, telling Audrey that he'll make a good husband and stuff. She's all like, “Chill out bro, it was just sex. Jeez.” Good thing Audrey shot down his declarations of love, because an hour later Laurel the blonde acolyte sneaks into his room. She gets naked immediately. We don't get a description of what color her nipples are, but we are told her boobs are smaller and firmer than Audrey's. Bannon, honorable man that he is, tells Laurel that he can't sex her up because he belongs to Audrey now. Laurel laughs at him and tells him everything's cool, they got an arrangement. They bone. Missionary style this time. Bannon is pretty sure that he's got this laying pipe thing down. Afterward Laurel tells him that Sage, the redhead with the big boobs, will be dropping by for her turn in a few hours. Unfortunately we aren't privy to the promised Bannon/Sage bonedown. Instead we switch to a montage in which Nicci searches the archive for answers to the Lifedrinker problem. Thistle is bored, and so is Bannon, which don't make much sense to me seeing as he's getting laid left, right, and center. Oh shit, Nicci just stumbled across some info on how to kill succubuses (succubi?). She thinks maybe it'll prove useful against the Lifedrinker, but probably not. Little does she know that that shit might well prove super useful against certain other enemies. By the way, the only way to kill a succubus is to get it preggers. The succubus baby then drains all the life from the mom/host succubus. After that you gotta kill the baby. This does not bode well. Vicky now pops by to tell us that she memmers something. It's a story about something called the Eldertree. This was the first tree that spawned all other trees. A long time ago, even before the great wizard war, a hundred powerful wizards used their magic to cut down the Eldertree. Why? Who knows. But they saved an acorn from the Eldertree, and that acorn has all the primeval power of life in it. And guess what? The acorn is located right here at Cliffwall. There's a catch though. The acorn is stored in an abandoned part of Cliffwall; an old tower that's been fucked up by some errant magic. Nobody's been in there for years. It's NBD though. Nicci marches right in there and finds the acorn, no probs. Now everything's set for the big showdown. Nicci tells Nate and Thistle they can't come, for various reasons, then she and Bannon head out to hand the Lifedrinker his ass.
  15. MLB Offseason: Countdown to 2124

    And the stupidest rule in the history of baseball strikes again. With two free runners automatically placed on base in the 11th P.R. walks it off without the benefit of a single hit. ETA: Even though I hate this rule, I understand the impetus behind it. But it absolutely should not be used in a single elimination game.