The Wolf Maid Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Because grasping the thing itself would just be dirty. :sick: Somehow, I find the image of Kellhus grasping Richard's thing traumatic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moshe Goldberg Rubinshteyn Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 But really, to understand the goatscrewing that comes after, we must first grasp that which comes before Richard's thing arising. Does Richard actually and in fact screw a goat? :sick: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry. Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Not yet, but it would indeed be a noble thing for him to have sexual congress with the noble goat Betty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zap Rowsdower Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 That whole awful speech was from Blood of the Fold, wasn't it? I remember that book distinctly because it abounded with more than the usual Goodkind dumbness. There is no way I am going to transcribe any more of that book after the ordeal I went through with the food sex scene. Instead, I will offer those lucky enough not to have read the book a quick synopsis like I did with Goodkind's nipple magic. Now, after hearing Richard's bellicose speech, the main bad guy of the story, Tobias, kills the husband of the duchess and then places her under the control of his nipple magic. Tobias then places some sort of seduction enchantment on the duchess and sends her to Richard so that she can seduce and then kill him. Now, this may sound like a somewhat devious plan, until you consider some other factors. First of all, the duchess is now the leader of Kelton, the most powerful nation in the midlands. In order to get close to Richard the duchess agrees to Richard's demands and surrenders her entire country. Now, is it just me, or does this sound like an very BAD idea, from the viewpoint of the bad guys? What if your plan goes wrong (which it does) and the duchess fails to kill Richard? Basically you have placed the most powerful country in the midlands in the hands of your sworn enemy. But wait, the stupidity doesn't end there. Goodkind has soooo much more in store for people who have the patience to read more. Richard is more than happy to accept the surrender from the duchess and then places her under his personal protection. To make a long story short, the plan to kill Richard doesn't exactly work out and the duchess ends up cut in half. Richard somehow manages to put two and two together and figures out that the duchess was acting under some kind of enchantment. Now, even though Richard knows this, he doesn't really seem to consider that maybe the duchess wasn't acting under her own free will when she surrendered her entire country. Being the jerk that he is, Richard never comments on this( or maybe Goodkind himself was too dense to realize the full implication of his own stupid plot contrivance?), and acts like the entire surrender was totally legit. In fact, Richard is very hostile towards the Kelton general who shows up near the end of the book. Thinking that the land of Kelton might be having second throughs about their unconditional surrender after their leader was killed under Richard's own roof while also under his protection Richard angrily tell the general that "That bridge has already been cross"(!). The general, surprisingly , hasn't been thinking about backing out on the surrender but warns Richard that now that their land doesn't have a leader (their previous leader having been cut in half while under Richard's protection) some of the smaller lords might start causing trouble. Richard resolves this situation by naming his soon-to-be wife, Kahlan as the new monarch of Kelton.. Amazingly, the general find this not just agreeable, but fantastic! To fully grasp the unreality of this situation, I must relate some of the previous goings on in the midlands. In the previous book, Kahlan devastated a combined Kelton/ rogue D'Haran army that had invaded one of the smaller neighboring countries. Furthermore, Kahlan promised unyielding vengeance towards the people who were responsible for the invasion. Kahlan's oath has to be read to be believed, and in fact I would probably recommend it as a future quote of the day. Suffice it to say that Kahlan is about as even tempered as Hitler at a Bar Mitzva. Now, if I were the Kelton general, I would not have been especially happy to know that Kahlan was going to become the leader of my country. But that's not the whole story, oh no. You see, before the duchess became the ruler of Kelton, they used to have a king. My memory is a little fuzzy on this point but either this king was killed by Kahlan when she was trying to escape from Aydindril, or the king was killed by Richard when he murdered the entire council of the midlands after they had ordered Kahlan's execution. So let me just sum of the entire situation. Kahlan has promised bloody retribution against Kelton since they were helping the Imperial Order. Kelton's king was killed by either Kahlan or Richard. The duke, the new leader of kelton, was murdered while in Aydindril, which is occupied by Richard's army. The duchess, the new leader of Kelton, surrenders her land to Richard. Then she dies while under Richard's protection. Now Richard names his fiancé as Kelton's new monarch. If I were the general from Kelton, I actually might be both suspicious and rather pissed off at Richard, rather than being grateful. Also, all the other Midland countries must know that the leader of Kelton died while under Richard's protection. However, this doesn't really cause them to reconsidered offering their own surrender to Richard. Personally, if I were them, I would question Richard's ability to rule and his intentions after the leader of the most powerful country in the Midlands had died under mysterious circumstances while under Richard’s personal protection. But hey, I'm not an objectivist. Maybe because I lack moral clarity, I can't truly understand the subtle political situation in the Goodkind's masterpiece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanatic-Templar Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Exactly how many plots in this series involve trying to seduce Lord Rahl? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elrostar Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Suffice it to say that Kahlan is about as even tempered as Hitler at a Bar Mitzva. I just love this phrase. I feel that I need to use this more frequently in conversation. That's one of the things I love about this board. I find so many choice phrases being thrown around with which I can pepper my speech. These threads are a particular source of them, although the QotD tends not to be a place to find them. I guess we're just more articulate than Goodkind (Blessed Be His Name). Or else we can't truly understand and appreciate his genius. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry. Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Shouldn't we be saying G--dk-nd (blessed be his name) instead? Seems proper not to utter the name of the Yearded One except on the most sacred of occasions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecchi-Oni Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 I just love this phrase. I feel that I need to use this more frequently in conversation. That's one of the things I love about this board. I find so many choice phrases being thrown around with which I can pepper my speech. These threads are a particular source of them, although the QotD tends not to be a place to find them. I guess we're just more articulate than Goodkind (Blessed Be His Name). Or else we can't truly understand and appreciate his genius. Please don't compare Hitler to Richard all Hitler did was to start a war that killed some 50 million people (most of them civilians), he didn't tell them that it was good and moral for them to die as Richard would do. In fact Richard would gather all the jews together and instead of killing them swiftly he would let them starve to death while listenning to his speech about how good and moral their death was As for chicken that is not a chicken it's simple: it's the ROBOT CHICKEN forced to read SoT that would turn anyone to turn into evil incarnate. Anyway it's my first post here so hello Richard Rahl: Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Fuerer, Ein Chicken that is not a chicken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elrostar Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Shouldn't we be saying G--dk-nd (blessed be his name) instead? Seems proper not to utter the name of the Yearded One except on the most sacred of occasions. Well, I was actually only writing Goodkind (Blessed Be His Name, We Love How He Touches Us) when I was be properly reverent and showing the respect towards him that he deserved. That last post was a bit of a slip-up, so to speak. I'll have to muster up the strength to try to write something in his defense sometime today. I just read the food sex scene from Goodkind III so I'm feeling a little exhausted by that. I think that simply referring to him as the Yearded One might be an appropriately reverent approach also. As long as everyone agrees that he is the single greatest creative mind in the history of mankind, I think it's ok for people to express themselves in their own ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Sun Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Ein Chicken that is not a chicken. Ein Huhn, das kein Huhn ist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecchi-Oni Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Ein Huhn, das kein Huhn ist. Thanks But isn't translated the words of the Yearded One (Blessed be his name) against moral clarity and the rising "things" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 For a special treat this morning, here is an exclusive extract from The Winds of Winter - not sure how GRRM got it written so fast, maybe he had some help... Arya brought up her sword, touching the crimson blade to her forehead. She gave the whole of herself over. “Needle,†she whispered in supplication, “be true this day.†Bringer of death. “Dance with me, Death,†she murmured. “I am ready.†The hordes of invisible lizards advanced, the latest horror to be unleashed by the invasion of the Others. The Westeros army had long fled in confusion at the advancing expanse of invisible beasts. Beasts of death. But Arya heeded her inner voices. This was the reason for her being struck blind all those years ago, which may or may not have been permanent. She no longer needed to see, to deal death with her blade. Arya stalked among the lines of invisible lizards, from time to time turning and slicing with her blade. They hissed in astonishment as they died; their blood suddenly visible as it spurted from severed limbs and heads and punctured abdomens and other mortal wounds dealt by this silent killer. Grey shapes flashed past in the corner of her vision and she heard the sound of things dying that hadn't been killed by her. She frowned with confusion and rejoined the savage battle. Each commitment of her blade found flesh. Under her breath she recited her list, and mentally ticked off each lizard as she killed it - "Lizard 35, lizard 36, lizard 37..." Arya heard howls, and tried to wipe the invisible lizard blood from her eyes to see what was going on. She saw fur. Grey fur. Claws and teeth ripped into the attackers. Jaws bit off invisible bits of flesh. Tails wagged ferociously. Arya stepped back as a direwolf landed in front of her, squashing the lizard who was about to kill her. It was Nymeria. There were direwolves everywhere. That was the shapes she had seen. Suddenly the direwolves had killed all of the lizards. Wolves howled. Dying lizards groaned. Arya laughed. Jon hugged her from behind. "I thought you were dead or possibly married to that Bolton, and I thought the Others were going to kill me!" Sam Tarly approached and explained how the direwolves were the ancient enemy of the invisible lizards , and they had been given special powers by the Children of the Forest that would enable them to see and kill them. Arya and Jon laughed. Red eyes gathered on the battlefield. Arya's dark mood brightened to see Nymeria's menacing mien. She hurried over to the wolf. It felt so good to be hugging that shaggy fur and she laughed with tears in here eyes, a face that had been a stranger to tears for so long. "I love you Nymeria! I knew you'd come back!" she wept. "Nrrrr lrrrrrr Arrrrrrrrr yrrrrrrrrrr" growled Nymeria happily, then backed away, looking at the other wolves. Arya felt a lump rising in her throat. "Are you going to stay with us, Nymeria?" she asked fearfully. In answer, Nymeria shook her head, and another direwolf trotted up. From its manly size and masculine demeanour, Arya could tell it was a male. "Nymeria, you have a husband? Will you be staying with him at the Trident?" Nymeria nodded with a wolfish smile, and nuzzled her mate. "But you will come and visit us at Winterfell, won't you? We would love to have you there, any time you're in the North..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elrostar Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 MinDonner, you're my hero Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agulla Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 MinDonner you have done it again Now I want to read the one about Jon Snow dictating the terms of surrender to Westeros in a Grand Council of all noble houses. He is already dressed in black all he would need is to be flanked by two Objectivist wildlings and have a pet giant near him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry. Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 I think the Spoilers tag should have been used for that. Now I don't know if I should go on and read the books before that impending release, now that I know that Arya lives on and have been Touched by G--dk-nd(Blessed be His Name). Or something like that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sad King Billy Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Eugh, one goodkind writer is bad. Two ... is a violation of the Human Rights. Mindonner, you are sickening me. And you're a genius. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 MinDonner, that just rocks. nipple magic. Nipple magic? What of all good and sacred is nipple magic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Brilliant stuff Mindonner, keep up the good work. Enquerrand, thanks for finishing up the meat of that quote, I wasn't sure if I could do it. I think I'm actuallly developing carpel tunnel syndrome from doing this. Half of my left hand and forearm have been numb since yesterday. Terry's revenge. Nipple magic? What of all good and sacred is nipple magic? In order to put someone under your spell you have to cut off one of their nipples. Didn't you know that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BranTheBuilder Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 QOTD: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: G--dK-nd that was AWFUL. Mindonner - you are a certifiable genius! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
14th Dragon Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 In order to put someone under your spell you have to cut off one of their nipples. Didn't you know that? Hey, someone putting me in a 24/7 purple nurple would have kinda have me in thier power as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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