GOODKIND VII, The sword of truthiness

[Larry.]

I thought Goodkind trained with Dali, smoked weed with the Beatles, and meditated for 47 days straight with the Dali Lama without taking a shit, because he's that damn talented. Maybe I was wrong?

[Xray the Enforcer]

I thought Goodkind trained with Dali, smoked weed with the Beatles, and meditated for 47 days straight with the Dali Lama without taking a shit, because he's that damn talented. Maybe I was wrong?

Wrong wrong WRONG! You think the Yeard would be caught dead chillin' with the likes of those drug addicts? Remember, anyone part and party to the drug trade is the moral equivalent of a murderer.

Terra, agreed. I think that's when I knew, really knew, that Sword of Truthiness was something special.

Brendan, double agreed. I WANT to see Richard (in this movie, his perfact av is, of course, Mel Gibson in full Braveheart ass-whuppin' mode) massacre the peace protestors. But, for full awesomeness, I really think they should resurrect The Chicken Lady to play our evil poultry that is not poultry. ("Straight from my body onto your plate!")

[whelp]

Ok, my first try of TG-paraphrasing...

A beginning is a very serious time. The thing is rising. The Old Lands are ruled by Emperor Jagang, Evil Incarnate. In this time, the most important substance is moral clarity. Moral clarity extends life. Moral clarity expands consciousness. Moral clarity is vital to ruling people. The Seekers of Truth, transformed by moral clarity, have been using the Sword of Truth, which gives them the ability to use add and subtract things.

Oh yes, I forgot. Moral clarity exists only within a single man now. A valiant, heroic avatar, who will fulfill the long held prophecies, and lead the D'Harans to true freedom. The man is Richard Cypher, also known as Richard Rahl.

[Larry.]

Wrong wrong WRONG! You think the Yeard would be caught dead chillin' with the likes of those drug addicts? Remember, anyone part and party to the drug trade is the moral equivalent of a murderer.

Bah, we all know that those who used to do the 'worst' become the most outspoken opponents of it after a 'conversion' experience. It wasn't until Terri bonded with the wolves that he learned that smoking weed was bad, m'kay?

As for the Chicken Lady...

It would be perfect, with moral clarity of course.

[The Wolf Maid]

I thought Goodkind trained with Dali, smoked weed with the Beatles, and meditated for 47 days straight with the Dali Lama without taking a shit, because he's that damn talented. Maybe I was wrong?

I don't think GK would ever meditate with the Dalai Lama. Why would he hang out with peace-loving hippies? He would do what Richard would do. He would threaten the crap out of the Dalai Lama with violence until it catipulated to his moral clarity, then massacre the remaining monks (which what Richard did to the kid and the 'elders' who led the 'peace-loving' people. I think those are same people as the peace protesters...)

[Larry.]

See my above statement. It's like how when a binge drinker finds some group that makes him/her swear off the liquor (or anything else) - they become almost the exact opposite in such cases. It wouldn't be surprising if Goodkind actually had an episode from his youth where he snorted lines off of a prostitute's body, only to regret it later, to the extent that he became the opposite of what he used to be. Again, it's got to be those darn noble wolves he thanked in an interview once

[MinDonner]

More from the alternate universe where ASoIaF was written by Goodkind (BBHN):

The black-clad deserter placed his head on the block unrepentantly. Richard Stark drew his sword and looked again at the name, Ice, embossed on its hilt in an ancient font.

Bringer of Death.

"This man has failed his country. He has failed his people. His refusal to fight was a sign of his lack of moral clarity - if you're not with us, you're against us!"

The rent-a-crowd roared their approval, then frowned as it became apparent that Richard was going to keep talking.

"Freedom is life. Life is freedom. Anyone who refuses to submit to my free rule is an enemy of life, and deserves Death!"

"Two-four-six-eight, who do we app-re-ci-ate? RICH-ARD!" cried the crowd, the ancient mantra of the Old Religion.

With one blow, he striked the head off the old man. The blood flew up in a beautiful red arc, crimson against the snow, and the crowd gasped at the beauty of a righteous death. Katelan, Richard's long-haired wife, fell to her knees with sheer joy.

"Do you know why I had to perform this execution?" Richard asked the crowd. They shook their heads. "It is because of an ancient spell where only the wielder of Ice can execute anyone without displeasing the spirits!"

The rent-a-crowd muttered their approval. One said "Great job Richard, but we have to go now as we're needed at a gang-rape scene in the next chapter and it's quite a walk from here."

Richard leapt on his horse and began the ride back to his humble castle. Suddenly he heard a whimpering sound by the side of the track. Dismounting, he investigated, and found the body of a gar. Protruding from its side was an evil beak - the gar and the chicken had joined each other in death. The blood from the gar had trickled onto the snow and spelt out some prophetic words - "Don't go to King's Landing!" Richard wondered what that could mean.

There was movement in the snow. Richard jumped, then saw what it was - a baby gar! He picked it up and stroked it.

"I shall call you Gratch," he said.

Loved the Dune parody btw!

[Agulla]

MinDonner, this was brilliant!

It's a pity that you haven't read Ricard Morgan books because I think that they would make an excellent parody material for your channeling sessions of the spirit of Terry Goodkind. In fact I think that Takeshi Kovacs is just the opposite of Richard Rahl, which I believe would make the fanfic even more funny.

I would give it a try myself but my writing skills are not up to the task.

[Sad King Billy]

Perfect work, as always, minD. I do have to wonder... How would Goodkind make a Tasslehoff Burrfoot?

Somehow I don't have any problem picturing cheerleaders in SOT...

[Agulla]

On a second thought here it goes my first lame attempt.

From Altered (leather clad) Furies:

When the enemies of Truth laugh at you. TAKE IT PERSONALLY. When they try to force you to self sacrifice. TAKE IT PERSONALLY. If you want freedom from Altruism. KICK THEM IN THE FACE. And make no mistake about this when you are in front of those who try to oppose you, being taken seriously, being considered dangerous and a bit crazy, marks the difference. It's the only difference in the eyes of little people that want to constrain the free will of their betters and shackle them to their solidarity. They tell you that IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL that is for the common good. Well, fuck them, make it personal.

AYN RANDONER

Things I already knew by then. Volume XXII.

[Algiz]

Sabetha's eyes shined as she looked at her love. Richard, the Thorn of Camorr. Deadly with a blade and stunningly handsome in his yeard, his cunning plans like this one had made them the richest gang in the city.

Horned god of hell, that was almost too much. Utterly hilarious, as was the rest of your fan fiction (please everyone, kindly refrain from using terms such as “parodyâ€) – I just hope the image conjured by it will not affect my experience with Lies of Locke Lamora.

This yeard business has seriously crippled my social life. Being a “metalhead†(meaning, into metal music and culture), most of my male friends have long hair. And beards. You do the maths – just this Saturday I was at a party at which I counted no less than four men with yeards. Imagine being surrounded by them while drunk, I guess most of you can draw your own conclusions. Thank gods I’m not into drugs – I can but imagine what would happen being in yearded company with hallucinogenic substances in my body. Had I not gotten rid of my long hair in favour of a strikingly attractive shaved head approach I would have groomed my beard in the image of Terry and used as my forum avatar – should certainly have renderded me the envy of the board.

[Eurytus]

I think a SOT flavoured Clockwork Orange would work well. Alex could show the authorities that attempting to restrict his life is in fact evil. He could show them by tolchocking them real good until the krovy flows.

[BranTheBuilder]

Hey, it could even be good. If Spielberg can make shit like Crichton look good on screen, who knows what magic Raimi can muster?

the difference is that Spielberg is quite a talented man, and Raimi (much as I love certain of his films) is something of a hack... mind you that would make him perfect for the job...

Given Depp's politics, I really can't see him going anywhere near such a project - they'd probably end up using G--dk-nd (BBHN) for the role - well, who else has the moral clarity and wisdom to protray such a character???

Loved the Dune parody - nicely done!

[Moosicus]

I'm 200 pages into PHANTOM and I want to die. If I wanted to suffer so much, why not do something simple? Like apply a power sander to my scrotum? I'll have a QotD up in a little bit, but GAWD DAMMIT!! this book is so bloody lame! Not a ha ha kinda lame, but more of a painful eye-crossing please-god-make-Richard-shut-the-fuck-up kinda way. And not just Richard. Jebra the Seeress is rescued from the Imperial Order and she spends TWENTY FUCKING PAGES describing what she saw while she was their prisoner!!! TWENTY!!! TG must think his audience is so fucking stupid that even after 10 bloody books he still has to lead everybody by the hand to be sure it's fully understood that the Imperial Order are the bad guys! I don't know how I'm gonna make it. As if the prose weren't bad enough, I can't stand being treated like a five year old retarded kid, with a bicycle helmet taped to my head and mittens stapled to my sleeves and "L" and "R" written on my rubber boots ramming my head into walls while drooling on my shirt and eating crayons, while TG-fucking jackass pats my head and says "See Billy, the Order are bad, do you see?" "Badly written mr. Goodkind? derp!" *TG kicks Billy's jaw to bloody pieces* "No Billy, they're evil because they hurt people! Do you see? They don't believe in freedom and morality, do you see?" Twenty pages from one chartacter, and thats not nearly the end of it. Hardly anything has actually happened so far, everybody has been sitting around jawwing at each other endlessly. The lectures go on forever as the wizards and sorceresses are endlessly and simultaneously astounded by Richard's brilliance and skeptical (scepticl) over every thing he says because he doesn't understand anything. *Mad Moose keeps looking back and forth between the knife on the table and the flesh of his wrists* I need a nap, but the QotD will come first, It will be entitled "Wow, they must have great universities in Westland". *end rant*

[Stonehelm]

Moose you are a braver soul than I. All I was planning on doing was reading the last chapter of Phantom in the store and calling it even. Its not like I am going to miss much.

[Moosicus]

I've changed my mind. I can't do the "Wow, they must have great universities in Westland" QotD that I was planning on. It hurts my eyes too much, so here's some bits from one of Kahlan's chapters in todays Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day.

If you'll recall from the chapter of PHANTOM that was posted a while back, or if you've had the misfortune to have actually read CHAINFIRE, you'll know that Kahlan is the prisoner of some of the Sister's of the Dark, and she has no memory of her past or who she is. At this point in the story the Sisters of the Dark and Kahlan are searching for Sister Tovi (of the Dark) and they find themselves passing through some town that Jagang' army had recently been through. Terry uses the opportunity to remind us all who the bad guys are.

SPOILER: QotD from Phantom

Daring to look into the dark buildings they passed, Kahlan saw the real horrors. They were not merely the bodies of murdered townspeople. There were the bodies of people who looked to have been murdered for sport, or out of a sheer brutality. Unlike the bodies heaped in the side streets, these people were not older. They looked like they might have been people trying to protect their shops or homes. Through one broken shop window she saw that a man, wearing the kind of apron used by cobblers, had been nailed to a wall by his wrists. From the center of this chest protruded dozens of arrows, making him look like a grotesque pincushion. His mouth and each eye had been penetrated by an arrow. The man had not only been used for target practice, but as an object of monstrous humor. <at least she sees the humor in it>

In other dark buildings, Kahlan saw women who had all too obviously been raped. A shirtsleeve still on one arm was all that covered one woman on a floor. Her breasts had been mutilated. In another place, a girl, looking not to yet have grown into womanhood, lay sprawled on a table, her dress pushed up past her waist. Her throat had been cut through to her spine. Her legs lay splayed out, a broomstick left shoved in her as a final act of disdain. <thanks for that image> Kahlan felt numb as she saw one horrifying sight after another, each of such lurid cruelty that she could not imagine the kind of men who could have committed such acts. <bad men? I'm not sure yet, I need further examples>

By the manner of dress of many of the dead, the men appeared to be simple working people. They were not soldiers. For the crime of trying to protect their homes and businesses they had been butchered.

As Kahlan passed one small building she saw, in a back corner against a brick wall, a pile of small children-mostly babies. It was reminiscent of the way autumn leaves collected in a corner, except these all had once been living people with a life ahead of them. The gore on the brick wall betrayed where their heads had been bashed in. It was apparent that the killers had wanted to dispatch them as efficiently as possible. On the silent ride through the city, Kahlan saw several more places where the very young had been cast into piles after being murdered in a fashion that could only be described as entertainment for the most monstrous of men.

But as much as this army seemed to be a mass, a mob, a thing, <again with the thing?> she knew that it was wrong to think of it in those terms; this was a group of individuals. These men had not been born monsters. Each had once been a helpless babe cradled in a mother's arms. Each had once been a child with fears, hopes, and dreams. While an occasional aberrant individual could, because of a sick mind, grow up to be a remorseless killer, this many individuals had not. Each was a killer by conviction to a cause, a killer by choice, all united under a banner of perverse beliefs that gave sanction to their savagery.

These were all individuals who when confronted with the choice had willfully cast away the inherent nobility of life, and chose instead to be servants of death.

Kahlan had been horrified at the butchery she'd seen back in the city, nauseated by the things she had seen. For a time she'd hardly been able to breathe, not just from the stench of death, but from her tearful despair at such mindless brutality, at such monumental and intentional depravity. She felt a sense of sickening dread for those helpless souls yet to face the horde and a crushing loss of any hope that life could ever be worth living, that it could ever be reasoned and secure, much less joyous.

But now, at the sight of the source of the slaughter, the great force of men who had all willingly perpetrated such atrocities, all those desolate feelings melted away. In their place smoldering anger ignited, the kind of inner rage she didn't think a person very often felt in their life. Remembering the old people who had been hacked apart, the infants dispatched by bashing in their brains, and the savage treatment of the women, Kahlan could think of little else but her burning desire for vengeance for the silent dead. <Kahlan's thing is rising>

~Terry Goodkind, PHANTOM

So, just to make sure we are all on the same page here: the Imperial Order are the bad guys. Got it? Don't make me quote the twenty pages of Jebra's account. Please.

[Slick Mongoose]

So at the end are we going to find out that the imperial order were the good guys all along?

[Plessiez]

While an occasional aberrant individual could, because of a sick mind, grow up to be a remorseless killer

I thought Kahlan had no memory of Richard?

[Edited to make this a more substantial post]:

How exactly does Goodkind explain his attack on the Imperial Order as being comprised of those who are "united under a banner of perverse beliefs that gave sanction to their savagery ... individuals who when confronted with the choice had willfully cast away the inherent nobility of life, and chose instead to be servants of death." when Richard and company are seemingly morally justified in commiting all sorts of murder and torture because of their "perverse beliefs"?

Goodkind seems to be trying to say "Look, the Soviet Union's Imperial Order's beliefs are bad because they let otherwise decent people justify atrocities", but his own protoganists use their own beliefs to do exactly the same thing.

[14th Dragon]

You know, that did not seem to move the plot along very much. How many scenes of imperial order troop gone wild before we actually get a glipse of what they are actually trying to do. This seems so haphazard to border on the the insane.

[Sad King Billy]

Dream on, Mongoose....

Say,

a man, wearing the kind of apron used by cobblers, had been nailed to a wall by his wrists.

Is that a reference to Jesus Christ? Or is it simply where TG (bbhn) got his inspiration?