Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Werthead

GOODKIND VIII: It's Not Terrorism If We Do It!

406 posts in this topic

The idea of a humble woodsman knowing advanced algebra is great; TG (BBNC) has excelled himself yet again. Though nothing so far has beaten the quote where Nicci justifies her use of Good Torture vs Bad Torture, that's gotta be one of the most vile pieces of filth I've ever had the misfortune to read.:sick:

Today's parody is a bit crap as I'm still racking my brains for an appropriate Shakespeare moment to yeardify. The obvious choice would be Troilus and Cressida which ironically deals with how the noblest of heroes are actually doomed if their cause is corrupted by immoral acts, but a) it's not very famous, and B) it would take the entire play to fully develop the satire, and I don't have the time or the energy for that. So, rather more on Goodkind's level of prose, we have the following (you'll just have to imagine the illustrations):

This is Richard. This is Kahlan.

This is Gratch. Run, Gratch, Run!

Richard has a big sword. He only wants to live in peace.

Some people disagree with Richard. He kills them.

This is a namble. LOOK AWAY NOW!

Some more people disagree with Richard. But Richard has a big army. Richard's army kills the people.

Richard makes a speech.

Richard is still making the speech.

Richard's speech is still going on.

Richard finishes the speech. Richard laughs. Kahlan laughs. The crowd laugh.

Oh no, the speech wasn't quite finished. Richard carries on speaking

Yes, he's still speaking.

Are you still there? Hello? Hello?

The End

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've noticed a disturbing trend lately in this thread where people are either picking up TG's (BBNC) books or are becoming very tempted to do so. This has to stop. For your own sakes don't do it. Just keep walking past the bookstore when you see Phantom. Keep walking. Don't go to the library to borrow Stone of Tears like Teh Stranger did, by now his brain probably no longer works and his eyes won't stop bleeding. Do yourselves a favor, just keep walking.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I've noticed a disturbing trend lately in this thread where people are either picking up TG's (BBNC) books or are becoming very tempted to do so. This has to stop. For your own sakes don't do it. Just keep walking past the bookstore when you see Phantom. Keep walking. Don't go to the library to borrow Stone of Tears like Teh Stranger did, by now his brain probably no longer works and his eyes won't stop bleeding. Do yourselves a favor, just keep walking.

I would also like to add that every time one of you gives in and buys a goodkind (BBHN) book, you are just helping justify mystar's claims about him being 'phenomenally successful'. Did anyone ever see if he got to the no 1 spot on the NYT bestsellers list? If he did, a little bit of the blame has to go to moose :P

@The Iceman of the North - He tried to write yard. He was being mocked for posting pics of his yard all over the internet. Instead he wrote yeard and vigo asked if yeard equals.....blah blah blah

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Today's parody is a bit crap as I'm still racking my brains for an appropriate Shakespeare moment to yeardify. The obvious choice would be Troilus and Cressida which ironically deals with how the noblest of heroes are actually doomed if their cause is corrupted by immoral acts, but a) it's not very famous, and B) it would take the entire play to fully develop the satire, and I don't have the time or the energy for that. So, rather more on Goodkind's level of prose, we have the following (you'll just have to imagine the illustrations):

MinDonner, if you could yeardify the funeral speech of Marc Anthony from Julius Caesar, that would be great (perhaps with us evil communist conspirators as Brutus&co, with mystar giving the oration?)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I also wonder why so many people are so concerned with Terry's (BBNC) sales figures. While I agree that the number shouldn't be misrepresented, and there's no way Terry (BBNC) has sold 100 million books (or whatever the claim was), does it really matter? sales figures do not automatically correlate to talent. Otherwise Brittany Spears and the Backstreet Boys would be considered great artists.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MinDonner, if you could yeardify the funeral speech of Marc Anthony from Julius Caesar, that would be great (perhaps with us evil communist conspirators as Brutus&co, with mystar giving the oration?)

Good call. I'll work on that for tomorrow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I also wonder why so many people are so concerned with Terry's (BBNC) sales figures. While I agree that the number shouldn't be misrepresented, and there's no way Terry (BBNC) has sold 100 million books (or whatever the claim was), does it really matter? sales figures do not automatically correlate to talent. Otherwise Brittany Spears and the Backstreet Boys would be considered great artists.

Please, Moose, for all of us: Never say TG (BBHN), Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys together in one sentence along with the word "talent." If you do that three times, I believe Armageddon will commence. While this would have the pleasant side effect of destroying all yeardic writings, it would have the most unfortunate effect of destroying all life as well. (Except perhaps those with perfect moral clarity. Hard to tell on that one)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, sorry LL. I could feel the veil tearing as I typed, I was sure the Keeper was about to break free and devour us all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah, sorry LL. I could feel the veil tearing as I typed, I was sure the Keeper was about to break free and devour us all.

It really might be worth it, if we could be sure he would take SoT with him. Seriously, I would consider it. But we have no way of knowing until we jump into that breach, and frankly, breach-jumping with no parachute is downright silly. Almost as silly as questioning how Richard knows advanced algebra. C'mon, haven't any of you ever taken woodland-guide training classes? First day: trees have leaves, usually. (Exceptions are covered later in the course) Second Day: Algebra through Trigonometry. Third Day: Calculus, physics, organic chemistry, electrical engineering, ceramics. Fourth Day: How not to cut yourself with the Sword, and learning to give in and let the Sword control you. Fifth Day: Knitting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
@The Iceman of the North - He tried to write yard. He was being mocked for posting pics of his yard all over the internet. Instead he wrote yeard and vigo asked if yeard equals.....blah blah blah

Excallent that make mcuh more sense.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good morning and welcome to the Terry Goodkind Quote of the day. I had a wonderfully Terry-free weekend (well, mostly), but I know all of you by now are going crazy not knowing what happened to Violet. If you’ll recall, Violet had been drawing spells with the guidance of Six the Witch to capture Richard, but while being brought to Violet by Six, Richard is captured by the Order and is now the new point man for their Ja’La team. Today’s quote picks up with the news being broken to Violet. Will Violet throw one of her famous tantrums? Let’s find out.

“Wake up,†Violet said. “Big day. A messenger slipped a note under the door in the night. Six returned – a few hours before dawn.†[…]

Rachel’s heart sank at all that meant.

<snip>

“She has Richard with her. The spells I drew all worked. Today is going to be the worst day of his life. I well see to that. Today, he begins to pay for his crimes against me.â€

<snip>

“I’m going to let you watch while the men whip him.†She cocked her head. “What do you have to say?â€

In the back corner of her box, Rachel swallowed. “Thank you, Queen Violet.â€

Violet snickered as she straightened. “He won’t have an inch of flesh left on his back by the time the sun sets today.†She went a short distance to the desk in the corner and then returned. Rachel heard the key turn in the iron door. Violet pulled the lock off the hasp. “And that’s only the beginning of what I will have done to him. I’ll—“

There was an urgent knock at the door. A muffled voice demanded that the door be opened. It was Six’s voice.

“Hold on, I’m coming,†Violet shouted across the room.

Rachel moved a little closer to the slit and saw Violet hurriedly hook the lock back through the hasp. She pushed it to lock it again just as Six banged on the door.

“All right, all right,†Violet said as she let go of the lock and rushed across the room. She turned the latch on the big, heavy door and almost immediately it burst open. Six swept into the room, all dark and towering like a thunderhead.

“You have him, right? He’s here, locked up where I told you to put him?†Violet asked, her voice filled with trembling excitement as Six closed the big door. “We can start punishing him immediately. I will have the guards assemble—“

“The army took him.â€

<snip>

“What?â€

“Imperial Order troops appeared right before dawn. They’re flooding into the city as I speak, into the grounds of the castle. There are thousands of them - tens of thousands of them – maybe hundreds of thousands of them for all I know.â€

<snip>

“What about Richard!â€

<snip>

“While I was speaking to the commander, insuring favorable terms for us in return for help in what they want to do with establishing supply routes, all of a sudden Richard came up with a sword.â€

Violet planted her fists on her hips. “What do you mean, he ‘came up with a sword’?†Her temper, along with her voice, was rising by the moment. “You saw to it that he doesn’t have his sword.â€

“No, it wasn’t the Sword of Truth. It was another sword. Just a plain sword. He must have grabbed it from a soldier when no one was looking. Plain though it may have been, he knew how to use it. All of a sudden a war broke out. Richard was like death itself unleashed. He was killing Imperial Order troops by the dozens. <dozens! Wow, Richard is so cool> It was madness. The men thought they were facing a major battle. Everyone went into combat without even knowing what they were up against. Things just went crazy in an instant.

“I can’t control pandemonium on that level. There were too many men, there was too much violence. I would have needed some time to gain control and there was no time. Richard made it out through the wall—“

“He escaped! After all this, he escaped!â€

“No. Outside the wall waited hundreds of archers. They had him trapped. He was captured.â€

Violet sighed in relief. “Good. For a moment I thought—“

“No, not good. The commander would not release him. Because Richard had killed so many of the men, the commander wanted Richard as a prisoner. They probably intend to execute him. I doubt he will live to see tomorrow.

“Once in the castle, on the way up here, I looked out a window and saw them put Richard in an iron box in a wagon. They took him away with the column of troops heading north.â€

Violet blinked indignation. “You let him get away? You let those filthy nobodies take him – take my prize?â€

In the sudden quiet, Rachel saw Six’s glare darken. She had never seen the witch woman give the queen such a look before, and she thought that Violet would do well to be a little more prudent.

“I had no choice,†Six said with an icy inflection to her words. “There were hundreds of archers pointing arrows at me. They left me no choice in the matter. It’s not like I wanted to give Richard over to them. A lot of work has gone into this.â€

“You should have stopped it! You have powers!â€

“Not enough for—“

“You boneheaded moron! You stupid, stupid, worthless, no-good dimwitted jackass! I trust you with an important task and you don’t even see it through for me! I’ll have you whipped to within an inch of your life for this! You’re no better than the rest of my worthless, no-good advisors! “I’ll have you whipped in Richard’s place to teach you yours!†<atta girl, show her who's boss>

Rachel flinched at the resounding sound of the slap. It knocked Violet from her feet. She landed on her bottom on the floor.

“How dare you touch me in that way,†Violet said, comforting her cheek. “I’ll have you beheaded for this. Guards! I need you!â€

Almost immediately there was a knock at the double doors.

Six opened one of them. Two men with pikes looked at the queen sitting on the floor, and then up into the blanched blue eyes of the woman holding the door handle.

“If you dare to knock on this door again,†Six hissed, “I will eat your raw livers for my breakfast and wash it down with your blood.â€

The two men turned as white as Six. “Sorry to bother you, Mistress,†one said. “Yes, sorry,†the other said as they turned tail and ran off down the hall.

With a growl of rage Six grabbed Violet by her hair and lifted her to her feet. The witch woman unleashed a blow that sent Violet tumbling across the floor, leaving strings of blood across the carpets in her wake. <Poor Violet, just can't catch a break>

“You ungrateful little brat. I’ve had about all I can stomach of you. I’ve endured it long enough. From now on, you will keep that tongue still or I will rip out what I gave you back.â€

Her long, bony fingers seized Violet by the hair and pulled her up again, then slammed the queen against the wall. Rachel could see Violet’s arms hanging limp. She made no move to defend herself as Six struck her time after time. Blood ran from Violet’s nose, from her mouth, and was splattered across the wall. A bib of blood stood out against the white satin of Violet’s dress.

When the tall witch woman released the queen, she dropped into a heap on the floor and fell to helpless sobbing.

“Shut up!†Six roared, her anger building. “Stand! Stand up this instant or never stand again!â€

Violet struggled to her feet, finally standing before Six, looking up at her, her eyes filled not only with tears, but terror.

Violet lifted her chin. She visible pushed her fear aside and grasped at indignation, instead. “How dare you touch your queen in such a fashion. I will—“

“Queen?†Six sneered. “You were never anything more than a puppet queen. Now, you are no longer even that. You are no longer queen. As of this moment, you resign.

“I am the queen, now. Not like you, a pompous little twit who thinks herself important because of the extravagance of her tantrums, but a real queen. A queen with real power. Queen Six. Got it?â€

When Violet started crying in angry resentment, Six slapped her hard enough to toss her head aside and throw yet more blood against the lacy, powder blue designs stenciled on the wall. Again, faced with an angry witch woman, Violet didn’t respond, even to ward the assault.

Six rested her fists on her knobby hips as she leaned down toward Violet. “I asked if you got it.â€

Violet, on the edge of ragged panic at hearing the deadly threat in Six’s voice, nodded.

“Say it!†Six slapped her again. “Answer your queen properly!â€

Violet’s sobs grew louder, as if that alone would save her throne.

“Say it or I’ll have you boiled alive, chopped up, and fed to the hogs.â€

“Yes…Queen Six.â€

~Terry Goodkind, Phantom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She gets hit a lot, doesn't she? It must be because she hates moral clarity.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just keep walking past the bookstore when you see Phantom. Keep walking. Don't go to the library to borrow Stone of Tears like Teh Stranger did, by now his brain probably no longer works and his eyes won't stop bleeding. Do yourselves a favor, just keep walking.

It's a hard thing to ask, MM. Everytime I see Phantom, the urge is strong to grab it and throw it out the window before it corrupts some poor soul. :P

And once again we have Violet being hit again, and again, and again. Next, please.

Six opened one of them. Two men with pikes looked at the queen sitting on the floor, and then up into the blanched blue eyes of the woman holding the door handle.

Blanched blue eyes? Terry's use of adjectives simply amazes me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I cannot keep straight what is happening to who and whether or not the people are bad. So the queen/sorceress people don't know Richard is the new star point man for the Ja'La game?

Would Richard's Sword training be considered steroids? Steroids of moral clarity?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I've noticed a disturbing trend lately in this thread where people are either picking up TG's (BBNC) books or are becoming very tempted to do so. This has to stop. For your own sakes don't do it. Just keep walking past the bookstore when you see Phantom. Keep walking. Don't go to the library to borrow Stone of Tears like Teh Stranger did, by now his brain probably no longer works and his eyes won't stop bleeding. Do yourselves a favor, just keep walking.

I humbly disagree, Moose. People MUST pick these books up. Look at them. See them for what they are after reading the dust jacket. NOT purchase them. Put them back on the shelf. And then complain very very loudly to the store manager that such filth would be so prominently displayed! Won't someone think of the children? Where is the moral clarity! Outrage! Outrage!

I also wonder why so many people are so concerned with Terry's (BBNC) sales figures. While I agree that the number shouldn't be misrepresented, and there's no way Terry (BBNC) has sold 100 million books (or whatever the claim was), does it really matter? sales figures do not automatically correlate to talent. Otherwise Brittany Spears and the Backstreet Boys would be considered great artists.

I don't know...I think Justin came out okay with a smidgen of talent... :P

RE: QotD: How old is Viole(n)t now? Because I don't think she's aged a day past her eight, or whatever she was, years in that scene!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

TG (BBHN), Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys together in one sentence along with the word "talent." If you do that three times, I believe Armageddon will commence.

TG (BBHN), Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys together in one sentence along with the word "talent." If you do that three times, I believe Armageddon will commence.

TG (BBHN), Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys together in one sentence along with the word "talent." If you do that three times, I believe Armageddon will commence.

*braces self*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TG (BBHN), Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys together in one sentence along with the word "talent." If you do that three times, I believe Armageddon will commence.

TG (BBHN), Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys together in one sentence along with the word "talent." If you do that three times, I believe Armageddon will commence.

TG (BBHN), Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys together in one sentence along with the word "talent." If you do that three times, I believe Armageddon will commence.

*braces self*

*waits as well*

*hears thunder in the distance* (its raining cats and dogs here)

...I think you need to try again, it doesn't seem to work. Maybe a different sort of sentence structure? something with more moral clarity.

and Jaxom, Justin wasn't from Backstreet, he was with N'sync. ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If only Violet had had some moral celery, this whole business could have been avoided.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
"...Just a plain sword. He must have grabbed it from a soldier when no one was looking. Plain though it may have been, he knew how to use it. All of a sudden a war broke out. Richard was like death itself unleashed. He was killing Imperial Order troops by the dozens. <dozens! Wow, Richard is so cool> It was madness. The men thought they were facing a major battle. Everyone went into combat without even knowing what they were up against. Things just went crazy in an instant."

:rofl::rofl:

Oh, my eyes! This passage gave me the hideous image of TG (BBNC) creaming himself at the keyboard as he wrote it. Richard flips out and cuts off heads all the time. I heard this one time he was in a cafe and this kid dropped a spoon and Richard just flipped out and killed him! He can also fly.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

QOTD :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

Almost immediately there was a knock at the double doors.

Six opened one of them. Two men with pikes looked at the queen sitting on the floor, and then up into the blanched blue eyes of the woman holding the door handle.

Tairy, Tairy, Tairy - do you know what a pike is?

A pike is usually about 18 feet long... not something you can easily carry around indoors.... :smash: eejit.

(unless he ment the fish, at which point i have to ask why the guards were armed with fish... :cry: )

Oh and Queens don't resign - they abdicate, or is Tairy once again rewriting the dictionary?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.