Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Werthead

GOODKIND VIII: It's Not Terrorism If We Do It!

406 posts in this topic

As good of a plotline that would be, I wouldn't see Richard's balls getting cut off, especially if he is just a pale imitation of TG.

A more likely scenario would be Richard escaping after becoming righteously filled with rage at the sight of a testicle feast. Richard lies in wait, full of anger, thing rising...and when Jagang goes to sleep, Richard sneaks into his room and teabags him.

Jagang chokes to death on Richard's massive balls, while Richard, gloating, gives like a 17 page speech on gluttony and choosing death. He's all like "Choose death, biatch!"

Richard then fights his way out of the castle, using his nutsack as a flail, and finally realizes that the Sword of Truth was just a crutch, and is no match for his Scrote of Truth.

That would be strange, yet somehow seems within imagination. The Yeard might still do something as crazy.

Hurray for people who should rightfully be wearing straitjackets! Hip hip...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, since there are so many questions that are best answered this way, I give you a second Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day. You guys are so pushy, I swear to bog, you don’t deserve it but here it is anyway.

Richard has been captured by Six the witch and Richard is standing there as she speaks to members of the Imperial Order. She and the Order have an agreement, but naturally Richard is looking for a way out.

As Six and the commander were talking, Richard turned a little, feigning a stretch. In an instant, his hand was on the sword. In another instant the blade was free.

Having a weapon, a sword, in his hand, instantly flooded Richard with memories, forms, and skills he had spent long hours learning. The lessons might have in part come from otherworldly sources, but the knowledge was not magic. It was the experience of countless Seekers before Richard. Even though he didn’t have that weapon with him, he still had that knowledge. […]

He knew where Kahlan was, and he had to get to her.

These men were in his way.

Richard swung, taking off an arm wielding an axe. The cry, the spray of blood, made the men nearby flinch. In that sliver of an instant, Richard made his move. He brought his sword up through another man lifting his sword. The man died before he even had his arm fully cocked back. Richard spun out of the way of weapons coming for him.

Despite the sudden cacophony of metal clanging, of men yelling, Richard was already in a silent world of purpose. He was in control. These men might have thought that they had an army against him, but in a way that was his advantage. He didn’t fight an army. He fought individuals. They thought like a collective mass, a collective element, allowing one another to move, as if the soldiers were trying to be one big fighting centipede. <who wouldn't be scared of a big fighting centipede?>

That was a mistake. Richard used it to cut into them. While they hesitated waiting for others to act, waiting for an opening, Richard was already moving through their lines, cutting them down. He let them swing and lunge, using strength and effort, while he floated through the onslaught of steel. Every time he thrust, he made contact. Every time he swung his weapon, he cut. It was like going through thick brush, slashing aside the branches that reached out at him. He let the momentum of the sword power the next strike, keeping it in continuous motion rather than using effort, and precious time, to draw it back. If he brought the blade down, slicing through the side of a man’s neck, he continued the movement, bringing the weapon up behind to run a man through as he rushed in, and then, as he pulled the blade out, he spun away as swords, axes, and flails came down where he had been only a moment before. It was a fluid dance, moving through the grunting, diving, jumping men. Slice, slice, slice, letting the screams fill the morning air, letting the alarm of not being able to stop him cause others to hesitate in fear of what could be happening.

<Groan, okay, let me cut this short. Richard kills a whole lot of men, gets out of the cave and finds a whole bunch of arrows pointed at him. Richard knows he can’t escape now. Though why he doesn’t just catch them all when they’re fired at him, who knows?>

The commander appeared in the doorway. “Very impressive. I’ve never seen the like of it..â€

The man truly did sound amazed, but it was over. Richard heaved a sigh and tossed his sword down.

The commander stepped close, frowning as he appraised Richard, looking him up and down. Behind, Six appeared in the opening through the wall, a black silhouette against the sunrise.

The commander folded his muscled arms. “Do you know how to play Ja’la dh Jin?â€

Richard thought it the oddest question he could imagine at that moment. In the background, beyond the rather small opening in the wall he had made it through, grievously injured men screamed, cried, and begged for help.

Richard didn’t shy away from the commander. “Yes, I know how to play the game of life.†<snip, the commander explains to Six that Richard is his prisoner and that’s just tough shit for her>

The commander turned back to Richard. “What is your name?â€

Richard knew that he couldn’t give his real name. <Duh> He couldn’t even give the name he grew up with, Richard Cypher. If he did, he was liable to be recognized for who he really was. His mind raced as he tried to think of another name he could use. The name Zedd like to use when he needed to disguise his identity popped into his head. <Bond, James Bond>

“I’m Ruben Rybnik.†<good one>

“Well, Ruben, I will give you a choice. We could skin you alive, stake you out, slit open your belly, and let you watch as the vultures pull your intestines out and fight over them.â€[…]

“I don’t much like that choice. You have another?â€

A sly smile spread on the man’s face, befitting the reptilian half with the scale tattoos. “Yes, as a matter of fact I do. You see, the different divisions of the army have Ja’La teams. Ours is made up of a mix of my men and the very best of those we have come across - men blessed by the Creator with exceptional talent.

“It was quite impressive the way you made your way through all those men and to the opening in the wall, like you were making your way toward a goal. You continued on toward that goal without allowing yourself to be stopped no matter what the men threw at you. Well, You’re a natural point man.â€

~Terry Goodkind, Phantom

This is just like the time I thought I was gonna be arrested for hitting that cop in the head with a bat, next thing I knew I was playing on their softball team.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Swearing by 'Bog'? You Slavic? :P

As for that quote...Yeesh. This feels like a craptastic take on a Bond film, minus Octopussy and other assorted Bond Girls.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Swearing by 'Bog'? You Slavic? :P

Actually I was thinking about Alex from Clockwork Orange, crying out to Bog in his heaven.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That quote was so stupid, I think reading it actually shortened my lifespan.

Does the book give any idea of how many men Richard killed in the cave? In Stone of Tears he killed thirty armed men without getting scratched, and was proclaimed the Messiah. So how many does it take to get on the enemy sports team?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
“It was quite impressive the way you made your way through all those men and to the opening in the wall, like you were making your way toward a goal. You continued on toward that goal without allowing yourself to be stopped no matter what the men threw at you. Well, You’re a natural point man.â€

~Terry Goodkind, Phantom

Oh come on, that's insane.

"Hey, we a have Prisoner of War we know nothing about! Rather than question him or torture him for information or hacking off his balls, we'll have him play a game!"

Also, how the hell did he get that sword? He reached for it and it was there? Did no one disarm him or did he take one from a random guard?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

--Baleraxar

Doesn't say how many he killed, but since its Richard, probably a couple hundred.

--Draco

He took the sword out of a guards scabbard, fooled him with the old "stretching" routine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Actually I was thinking about Alex from Clockwork Orange, crying out to Bog in his heaven.

Yeah, Burgess used a lot of Russian/English mixtures to create that language. I've been doing some self-study in Serbian and that's their word for God as well. Just an interesting, small thing in a world gone mad, mad for Goodkind :sick:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
“It was quite impressive the way you made your way through all those men and to the opening in the wall, like you were making your way toward a goal. You continued on toward that goal without allowing yourself to be stopped no matter what the men threw at you. Well, You’re a natural point man.â€

~Terry Goodkind, Phantom

This is just like the time I thought I was gonna be arrested for hitting that cop in the head with a bat, next thing I knew I was playing on their softball team.

Does this remind anybody else of the utterly retarded scene from John Carpenter's Escape from LA where the evil villain offers to let the hero go free if he can score 10 baskets in a minute or something?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know what's going to happen with this ridiculous book next (which my roommate just bought, so I get to read it in the next week or so). I'm guessing that Richard has to play Jagang, and he ends up beating him honorably, even though Jagang tries to cheat. And the whole crowd loves him , and through his perserverence at Ja’la dh Jin, brings the whole Empire down.

Kinda like Rocky 4, where he fights Dolph Lundgren in Russian and beats him (even though he cheats!), and at the end of the fight he says something along the lines of "When I started this fight, you didn't like me and I didn't like you much either. But as the fight kept going, you started liking me better, and I started liking you. If I can change, you can change...EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!"

And that's how the Soviet Union was brought to its knees, by a brain-damaged boxing retard. And I'd almost bet money that's how it's going to pan out in this book series, after reading all of the Phantom QotDs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

oh my fucking god. :o:o:o

the end of that quote. the MOST RETARDED thing I have read. Holy shit, that was so bad....fuck, I can't even articulate the horror.

Mr. X thinks for the last book, Goodkind (BBHN) introduces a character called WorrRf. The ultimate in evil (dark skin, crazy religion, brow-ridges). I agree. Because this last quote is even WORSE than the BASEketball-lite used in BSG. Yeah, that episode where Starbuck meets the Pyramid BASEketball team? Yeah, this is worse.

As for Violent...I bet she's a hoor. Which reminds me, is Kahlan a slut in this book, too?

I need to do a VanderMeer fanfic of the Yeard. I am sure the Evil Monkey will hunt me down to throw rotten feces at me, but I will happily endure the abuse. VanderMeer ought to be PROUD.

ETA: VIGO! Nutsack as a flail? You, ser, are a new hero for me on these boards. Get thee to Goodkind (BBHN) is Our God!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
He took the sword out of a guards scabbard, fooled him with the old "stretching" routine.

...

It's rather sad when you have to make a character seem really clever by making everyone around him complete idiots.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't know what's going to happen with this ridiculous book next (which my roommate just bought, so I get to read it in the next week or so). I'm guessing that Richard has to play Jagang, and he ends up beating him honorably, even though Jagang tries to cheat. And the whole crowd loves him , and through his perserverence at Ja’la dh Jin, brings the whole Empire down.

And after Jagang repents his evil Communist ways, Richard will deliver a roundhouse kick to his jaw, shattering it and slicing off his tongue. Only then will he rip out the man's testicles through his asshole. Richard will laugh. Kahlan will laugh. Betty the goat will laugh. Everyone will laugh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You just know that Richard will find some way to make a speech during his whatever-ball game with the guards. :rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Which reminds me, is Kahlan a slut in this book, too?

Thats a QotD for another day. You'll have to be patient, doing two in one day is really my limit.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
That quote was so stupid, I think reading it actually shortened my lifespan.

Honestly, I think I killed more brain cells by reading the QotD than I did by drinking the two cocktails I've had in the past hour. To tell the truth, the only Goodkind I've read is Moose's QotD's, and it makes my brain seize up to consider an entire series of hefty novels written like this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A hackneyed analogy comes to mind:

If you read SoT, it's like you're in a pot that is slowly being brought to a boil. One hopes you can jump out once you realize what is happening before you get burned and scarred badly.

QotD is like having streams of boiling water shooting into your eyeballs and groin. You have caught the worst of it, and are permanently scarred all over your tender bits. But at least your whole body isn't covered with festering blisters.

By the way, the best way to try to predict what will happen next in these books is to ask yourself: What would Terry Goodkind Do (WWTGD) in Richard's place?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, does anyone here know what the Wizard Rules so far are? Is he still making them up for each book? I remember he had ones for the first five.

Because yes, 'All people are stupid' one is quite amusing, although I think that technically it's 'People believe what they want to believe' which contains some grain of truth, but imagine how entertaining some of the others might be. I think he might getting desperate at making up new ones.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. All I can say is Wow.

I dont have the patience to read all of the threads here on this subject but I am so HAPPY.

I was introduced about 7 months ago to the ball of human excrement called The Sword of Truth Series by a friend. I slogged through (ithink) 6 books before I could no longer control my gag reflexes and had to stop. I thought I was alone. This was, after all, a bestseller (though I have NO idea how many people Goodkind had to slaughter with righteous rage to make that happen). I am so happy to know I am noit alone in thinking that any book featuring a giant talking fuzzy dinasaur who says "graatch lugg rach arghhhh" should be burned. Thank you all so much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Are numbers are becoming truly great. We must oppose the Goodkind (BBNC) hordes. Welcome Papz.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.