GOODKIND IX - Killer Queen

[Moosicus]

This is why Kahlan isn't as great as Dick. Dick is like the ebola virus, he starts to spread it, and it keeps spreading long after he's gone. Kahlan on the other hand is like herpes. She can only spread it to one person at a time, on purpose or through carelessness. Although unlike herpes, the people Kahlan infects can't spread it to other people. Hmm.

[Jaxom 1974]

What about the guy who tried to kill Jagang with an STD by going to prostitutes and then banging his own wife who was banging the Emperor? How does that fit into the whole "like a virus" concept...? Hmmmmmmm...

[VigoTheCarpathian]

Different emperor, same concept...

I'm guessing if we're going to carry this "Richard as disease" theory to conclusion, this guerilla warfare he's fighting is opening up festering boils, sores, and lesions on the genitals of the Empire. All those dead bodies and salty fields are the equivalent of the IO vomiting/shitting out its guts. Finally, innards of the non-Richard empire will dissolve through moral clarity, the brain (Jagang) will be pierced, and probably raped by Richard's violent cleansing fever.

And moving into the next books, he'll probably find a new world with an evil empire to infest: kinda like Alien. (There's even a burst-through-the-stomach kinda moment, with Drefan's spine standing in for the incubated Alien baby)

[14th Dragon]

To recap:

- 35-40 cities were razed, all resistors killed, bodies salted, fields raped, etc

- It all happened on the same night (at least in this one instance)

- It sounds like there were no casualties on the D'Haran side of things

My interpretation is that Richard's army apparently cannot fight the IO army-to-army (that's this whole guerilla-that-is-not-a-guerilla war). But apparently they do very well when fighting buildings, and armies/sorcerors that are in said buildings.

Is it just that the men they kill are stationary? Or do D'Harans get a Richard-like rage at people's home and lands, instead of at them in the field of battle?

Well as a point of contention, with smaller forces they were able to kill quarter of million IIRC IO troops during the FotF campaigns. And that was force on force.

Intially a series of sneak attacks against un prepared defenses by troops trained in that sort of thing could knock out significant forces rather quickly. (I.E. Charlemaigns capture of Aquitiane with a handful of knights against a small army, or the several times capture of Harpers Ferry.) If you push fast and hard and hit them while thier guard is down, you could take out several thousand men just by setting the fires strategiacally. And waiting for them to run.

However, this strategy should start to fail rapidly as the IO troops are prepared for such attacks.

Burning an entire city down in a night is a bit riduculus unless all these cites are really just over sized towns.

And moose already solved the salt problem. They simply put up the satues in certain parts of the fields and wait for the tears to flow, salt from human tears is the best for salting the earth.

[Sad King Billy]

I still don't buy that salt story. I suspect that the Old World population has large supplies of salt, in order to preserve their meat in it.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

I was under the impression that the only meat that the IO likes to eat are the pan-seared enemy testicles. But I suppose they could make testicle jerky, for long marches.

I do agree that they probably could strike make crazy guerilla strikes, and it would make sense tactically to do so at one time so the enemy wouldn't be prepared. But then apparently it works again, because Jagang is evil (therefore an idiot), and wouldn't increase security on his caravans or anything like that. Plus, I would think there would be a huge force of soldiers who actually went and surveyed the damage, so I wouldn't think the most likely thing the soldiers would do is stick around and put up skull decorations, spice the ground up a little, etc.

As well, does anyone have a problem with them letting non-resisting citizens go? Didn't Richard advocate killing all the IO supporters? I mean, aren't they just going to join army or at the very least tell the IO your numbers, how you were armed, where you went and all the things guerillas would not want known? So either these guys are disobeying Richard's orders or Richard/TG changed his mind (didn't want scenes with noble D'Harans chopping down little kids). Plus, I mean, c'mon, Richard's been known to kill conscenscious objectors in the past anyway...I am I seeing contradictions that are not there, or what?

[Enguerrand]

I'm curious about where they got all the salt for the fields.

In fairness the towns themselves could be supplied with salt. Either through merchants or communal salt magazines.

Without refrigators nothing beat salts ability too preserve food.

Especially in D'hara whose people have been landlocked for at least 2 generations. Yeah, perfect sense. In fact, D'hara shouldn't even know what salt is.

Salt doesn't have to come from the sea. In fact the highest quality salt was mined. Not that I think Goodkind knows that.

In Goodkinds world armies of hundreds of thousands can sustain themselves in one place. To handle that kind of logistics they obviously must have a very advanced infrastructure and methods of conserving foodstuff. Perhaps they don't use salt but something more efficient.

[Werthead]

In Goodkinds world armies of hundreds of thousands can sustain themselves in one place. To handle that kind of logistics they obviously must have a very advanced infrastructure and methods of conserving foodstuff. Perhaps they don't use salt but something more efficient.

Yep. Instead, they use pure, unsullied bullshit

(tries to work out how that would work, but decides not to pursue that line of thought)

[huynh]

been lurking here for some time and i must congratulate MM for his devotion to the collective masses...less the moral celery of course.

but i couldn't help posting for the first time after watching tv last night. i saw a commercial for a some hair care products and instantly realized that.....

Tairy Goodkind (BBHN) really is........... the Paul Mitchell founder

thus SOT is really just a marketing ploy for the 50million??? who aspire to be with manly yeard.

i definitely need a drink!

[Bazzlebane]

At first I thought you were on to something. There was a familiarity. But I have proof that you are wrong.

For starters, look at this photo:

Paul Mitchell

Then, look at this one:

Terry Goodkind (BBHN)

Note: TG does not smile. TG does not pose with blondes.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

Paul Mitchell definitely is not Richard/TG. Hair-care products around Lord Rahl? Ridiculous...he uses substractive magic to get rid of dandruff and build-up, and additive magic to give his Yeard a shiny coating, with modest volume. Hair care products are for the weak...

It's still a good Yeard spotting.

Bazzlebane - I'm sure he smiles when he steps on the necks of children, kicks children, basically commits violence on children. He's also been known to smirk at old people falling down, and get a chuckle when non-Objectivists are lit on fire.

I have no confirmation, but I postulate that Richard/TG will pose with blondes if:

A) It's a pose of him putting some hurt on a blonde kid

They pay him $25.

[Linivh]

Hey guys, I don't want to skim through the thousands of Goodkind (BBHN) posts, but could someone link me to or repost the quote where Richard kicks the 8-year-old girl? I've heard it referenced but haven't been blessed by reading it personally.

[The Wolf Maid]

Hey guys, I don't want to skim through the thousands of Goodkind (BBHN) posts, but could someone link me to or repost the quote where Richard kicks the 8-year-old girl? I've heard it referenced but haven't been blessed by reading it personally.

It's in the second GK thread, I think. Too lazy to give the link though.

I have no confirmation, but I postulate that Richard/TG will pose with blondes if:

A) It's a pose of him putting some hurt on a blonde kid

They pay him $25.

I think they'll have to pay him more than that. With his millions of money from the 50 million books he's sold, $25 is worth shit to him.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

Well, I guess maybe he would just charge the people who like his books enough to come to a signing $25 bucks, with a stipulation that they have to buy another copy of the book at the book store.

Which is kind of like Richard charging members of his army a piece of gold to get an "authentic dagger touched by Lord Rahl", and you have to buy a new dagger in order for him to touch it.

[Jaxom 1974]

Well, I guess maybe he would just charge the people who like his books enough to come to a signing $25 bucks, with a stipulation that they have to buy another copy of the book at the book store.

Amazing how that works out for Mr. Goodkind, isn't it?

[Marcelo Rebelo Firqoralas]

Which is kind of like Richard charging members of his army a piece of gold to get an "authentic dagger touched by Lord Rahl", and you have to buy a new dagger in order for him to touch it.

Shouldn't that be "authentic thing touched by Lord Rahl"?

[Algiz]

Hey guys, I don't want to skim through the thousands of Goodkind (BBHN) posts, but could someone link me to or repost the quote where Richard kicks the 8-year-old girl? I've heard it referenced but haven't been blessed by reading it personally.

Here you go, enjoy:

http://asoiaf.westeros.org/index.php?showt...mp;#entry331901

That is truly one of Goodkind's finest moments. "At that feeling, he was surprised to feel the thing in him that had come awake rise up." Classic.

I was searching for Sir Thursday's collection of QotD ( http://www.malazanempire.com/forums/showpo...p;postcount=322 ) when I came upon a post of mystar at his best:

http://www.malazanempire.com/forums/showpo...p;postcount=172

But seriously, it is like all these Europeans hacking out how arrogant we Americans are; yet 90% would do anything to live here and BE Americans.

They cannot so they piss and moan at our lifestyle and freedoms.

To phrase my comment in the most diplomatic way possible – I beg to differ, passionately.

[The Wolf Maid]

Well, I guess maybe he would just charge the people who like his books enough to come to a signing $25 bucks, with a stipulation that they have to buy another copy of the book at the book store.

Which is kind of like Richard charging members of his army a piece of gold to get an "authentic dagger touched by Lord Rahl", and you have to buy a new dagger in order for him to touch it.

My mistake, Vigo, I thought you were talking about a one-time deal. So let me take back what I said, yes, he would probably agree.

Hm, doing a quick calculation, assuming that the 50 million copies sold were to be signed, and the payment is a per book basis at the charge of $25 dollars per book, TG would get $1,250,000,000. Doubling that number (if you're required to buy another book, then have it signed again), it would amount to $2,500,000,000.

Yowza. Not bad for writing crap.

BTW, does anyone know how many did attend that signing?

[MinDonner]

This one's been on the back-burner for a while, and is part of the growing body of GRRM/TG collaboration material. I proudly present:

An alternative view of the Battle of the Trident

Rhaechard Targaryen, standing proudly in his ruby-encrusted knight outfit, knitted his brows as his eyes flew across the advancing enemy, as they advanced towards him with a forward motion. His tactic of sending Richor Clegane, the Statue that Rides, to ravage the homelands of the usurpers and salt their fields, had all gone to plan, and his collection of ears was growing nicely, but the opposing army was still many times larger than his, they outnumbered him by hundreds to one, their numbers were far greater and his force was small in comparison.

He glided over to the command tent, where the Niccler was interviewing a captive. The man's unrepentant sneer was all the answer he needed, but he stayed to watch the interview for a while.

"Where is the Usurper? How many men does he have? How many swords? Is there gold in the village?" the Niccler asked, happy in the knowledge that she was serving Life, and not Death. Before, when she had been fighting against Rhaechard, her tortures had been in the service of Death, but now that she had seen the light, she was old and intelligent enough to realise that she was doing the only right thing, and if you can't see that too then you're obviously on the side of evil and no better than a murderer.

"Bags!" came a voice from behind him; Rhaechard instantly spinned around, his eyes flashing and blazing, but it was only Maester Zedd. "I have something to tell you," breathed the maester, "That douchebag Evil King Aerys is... your father!"

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Rhaechard, feeling his thing rise. Instantly he stretched and grabbed a sword from a nearby soldier, ripping off his shirt and armour to expose his rippling pectorals, glistening with manly sweat, that's Rhaechard's shirt and armour, mind, not the soldier's, cos that would be gay and Rhaechard was as straight as they come, he likes girls with big boobs and long hair, OK? In an instant he was among the enemy, suddenly sweeping his sword from left to right, slicing through steel like it was butter. Whump! An arm flew off. Clang! That was a helmeted head. Zzzooosh! Eight men fell dead, in sixteen pieces. Rhaechard grabbed the cascade of ears as they fell through the air and stuck them in the pocket of his travellin pants.

[Sad King Billy]

Mindonner, I don't know how you do it, girl. Whenever I think that the world can't be made any fouler, you just... :shudders:

great job.