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MinDonner

GOODKIND IX - Killer Queen

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During recent ramblings around the Internet I came across this gem of a page. And my thoughts followed a natural progression of application which could be quite interesting. The Antirahlists? The D'Haran Freedom Fighters' Resistance? Hmm.

Honestly...it took a bit for me to figure out what the hell that site was all about, Wert...it's ANTI-Eragon I gathered...quite humorous. It seemed to be well maintained and yet oh so critical. I can't imagine what would happen if there was a natural progression towards other things... :P

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wert, it needs must be Goodkind X: Lemmings of Discord

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Dear God, it's nearly time for another thread. How the hell do these keep filling up so fast? Subtitle suggestions as normal.

During recent ramblings around the Internet I came across this gem of a page. And my thoughts followed a natural progression of application which could be quite interesting. The Antirahlists? The D'Haran Freedom Fighters' Resistance? Hmm.

I was thinking that a Malcolm X theme for the next thread would be appropriate, don’t you?

On another note, I just want to express once again my disappointment that soon the SOT series may be coming to an end. After Phantom, only one book remains. However, I still clutch a secret hope within my heart. After Richard and Kahlan, walking hand and hand towards a beautiful sunset (after getting it on and using Jagang’s body as their pillow) a shadowy figure steps out of the shadows. It smiles a sinister smile and laughs: Mwah ha haa, bawk bawk bawk!

It would turn out that the entire war against the Imperial Order can be orchestrated by Richard's True Nemesis: KING CHICKEN! With Jagang dead, and both the New and Old World in total ruin (thanks to Richard’s policy of Total War), the fowl mastermind is at last ready to strike! There is no force strong enough to stand against him! I bet Goodkind could milk at least another dozen books out of this idea.

Then, in the final novel, in order to apologize for making his fans read through hundreds of pages of boring Richard-brand speeches, Goodkind will devote the entire length of the book to the mother of all cockfights! Yes, Richard goes sword to beak against King Chicken! It can be sort of like that episode of Family Guy where peter is suddenly attacked by that giant rooster and the fight goes on for about five minutes, but instead of five minutes it goes on for five hundred pages.

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Goodkind X: We Didn't Land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock Landed on Us?

I dunno...

Something referring to Jason X might work, though.

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I like Goodkind X: Lemmings of Discord.

Possible alternates:

Goodkind X: Taking Out the Twins for The Cause

Goodkind X: Butt Naked Empire

Goodkind X: Malcom X edition, subtitle: Nobody can give you freedom...If you're a man, you take it.

Goodkind X: Gars and Garters (Gentlemen Prefer Bloodflies)

Goodkind X: Objectively, Kind of Retarded

Goodkind X: My Kingdom for a Whore!

Goodkind X: If You Were Tortured, You'd Kick a Small Child, Too

Goodkind X: Blood Alchol Level Must Be Above 0.12% BAC

By the way, I know that the name of the last book of SoT has not been announced yet...I'm extrapolating that it will be one word, like the last 2 of the ending trilogy. Here's another list of what I think the title may end up being:

"Wanton"

"Awesome"

"Cashcow"

"Endgame"

"Checkmate"

"Terrorist"

Just in case it's not a one-word title:

"Wizard's Final Rule"

"Richard Kicks Imperial Ass"

"The Beginning of the End"

"Zedd Probably Dies"

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Good morning and welcome to the Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day. Today we’ll pick up where we left off with Nicci escaping from the camp of the Imperial Order. If you’ll recall, Nicci slaughtered a whole bunch of them with her magic, blood and guts were everywhere, but for some reason she couldn’t kill all twenty thousand of them. Okay, this goes on for a bit. Basically, after the carnage she goes galloping off back to Altur’Rang with the enemy in hot pursuit.

“Wait until most are past!†she called out to the waiting men just loud enough for them to hear but not so loud that those following could hear.

<snip>

Nicci looked back over her shoulder to see the big men with their weapons raised thundering past the brick building. Most cleared the rear of the building, but then, there was a sudden howling boom as charging warhorses crashed headlong into the iron spikes. Horses behind weren’t able to stop and violently collided with the animals that had been impaled. Riders cried out as they were crushed. Other men tumbled over the heads of their horses.

From windows, arrows rained down as soldiers now on foot tried to halt the tail of the cavalry still charging in. Men desperately slowed their mounts. As they did they were hit with arrows. Men and horses were hit with a withering flight of arrows from several directions. Most of the men put an arm up, only to then realize that they had neglected to take the time to get their shields. <Silly soldiers, forgetting their shields at home.>

<Snip>

Again came the hard impacts and terrible noise of animals screaming in pain and terror as they were unexpectedly impaled or torn open. Soldiers cried out as they were violently unhorsed. Men carrying spears rushed out from behind the building, running the soldiers through before they had a chance to get to their feet and fight. Axes, swords, and flails belonging to fallen soldiers were swept up by men to be used against the Order.

Some of the cavalry, fooled a second time, didn’t intend to be fooled again and at a full gallop peeled off from the main column, some taking another street to the left. Others tuned down a narrow road to the right. <the rest of the cavalry gets trapped in yet a third set of iron spikes. These guys are just dumb.>

Nicci doubted that these Imperial Order troops would have deliberately attacked into the city, using the cavalry in such a fashion, if they had not been goaded into it. […] The purpose of the cavalry would have been to swiftly crush any organized resistance out in the open hoping to stop the Order before they reached the city, and then to run down anyone who tried to escape the city after the troops were sent in. Had the commanders been properly in control of the situation and their men, Nicci doubted they would have allowed such a crazy cavalry chare into the confines of a city. Nicci, of course, had known all that when she went to whack the hornets’ nest. <Of course.>

<Okay, so to make a long story short, the cavalry is mostly destroyed by these brilliant traps, and now the infantry is coming. She stops to talk to Victor about their “strategyâ€>

When she spotted three soldiers in the distance trying to make an escape without their horses, Nicci paused to cast a shimmering spell down a narrow twisting street. With thee rapid thuds, the lance of power slammed through flesh and bone to drop the three.

“And Victor,†she said turning back to the man, “there’s one last thing.â€

“what would that be?â€

“No one gets away alive. No one.â€

<Good strategy, snip>

She turned to the sudden whoosh of flame. Great gouts of fire flared up to the east. She knew that it could mean only one thing. <Testicle bar-b-que.>

Victor cursed and climbed up to stand on the carcass of a dead warhorse as he craned his neck, trying to get a view over the rooftops at the thick smoke billowing up into the darkening sky.

He cast a suspicious scowl at Nicci. “You failed to get Kronos?â€

“I got Kronos,†she growled though gritted teeth, “and another wizard. It would appear that they have another gifted with them. I guess they came prepared. “Nicci laid the reins over, turning Sa’din <her horse> toward the distant sounds of screams. “But they didn’t come prepared for Death’s Mistress.†<Dum dum DUUUMMMMM!!!!!!>

~Terry Goodkind, Chainfire

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Does she use the boobie trick again to get the next wizard? And I am not joking. Seriously, does TG (BBHN) actually make the bad guys that incredibly stupid? I mean, it's hard enough to believe that well-disciplined troops suddenly gallop off after a single person (who, I might add, has shown she can just shred anyone in her way). But I can honestly see TG (BBHN) having Nicci waltz out again with her dress down. Maybe this time she has to go completely nude, since the soldiers are probably watching out for the tit trick this time?

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Wait... so Victor tries to see over a house, by standing on a dead horse? No wonder they had to appoint Nicci their head of strategy, if that's the level of intelligence they normally display...

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Somebody asked for a review of TG (BBHN) books. Here is a very short one of Phantom:

New York Times - very short review

That isn't really a review of Phantom though. It's more of a critique of Goodkind's Rand worship. :P

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Wow Mad Moose, has TG always written that poorly, or just in the recent novels? I stopped after pillars of creation, but I don't remember the prose being THAT tragically awful.

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Wow Mad Moose, has TG always written that poorly, or just in the recent novels? I stopped after pillars of creation, but I don't remember the prose being THAT tragically awful.

Yup, I think it's always been that awful. The later books just seem worse because of his bizarre philosophy dominating every chapter. Just about every battle scene he's written has been gawd-awful, beginning with Kahlan's naked horde in Stone of Tears (a true masterpiece of military strategy).

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Is it my dodgy memory blanking, or do we never actually hear about the outcome of how she gets the third one... im sure she just pops again wherever richard is and apparently its all been settled.... can't believe im curious ack.

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Dear god. I actually went to TG's website and read the forums. People actually compare TG to GRRM! And they think TG is better! Where has mankind fallen?

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Dear god. I actually went to TG's website and read the forums. People actually compare TG to GRRM! And they think TG is better! Where has mankind fallen?

Eh.

That's probably a more recent phenomenon and a knee jerk reaction to the QotD...let them. The internet is free and people are entitled to their opinions. Just because I believe that most, probably not all but most, TG fans are force fed their opinions doesn't make it any less an opinion.

Let them play nice amongst themselves in their yard and we'll stay here, as the internet gods (and the moderators) intended. No muss. No fuss. :P

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Is it my dodgy memory blanking, or do we never actually hear about the outcome of how she gets the third one... im sure she just pops again wherever richard is and apparently its all been settled.... can't believe im curious ack.

This is just too bloody good to leave out:

Despite her wounds and exhaustion, and even more than her sincere desire to help the peole she knew in Altur'Rang and all the innocent and helpless souls who would be slaughtered if they lost, the thought of never seeing Richard again had galvanized Nicci and given her the extra strength of will to push on. She used her fear of never seeing Richard again to ignite a fierce rage that couod only be quenched with the blood of the enemy who stood in her way.

At the crucial point in the battle, in the harsh, flickering light of the roaring blazes from buildings burning all around, as the enemy wizard stood on the platfor of a publeic well in an open square casting death and ghastly suffering as he urged his men onward, Nicci appeared like an avenging spirit in the midst of their ranks and bounded up onto the platform. I was an event so unexpected that it caught the attention of everyone. In that brief fraction of time when they all stared in stunned surprise, in full view of the Order troops, she abruptly cleaved the chest of their astonished wizard and with her bare hands ripped out his still beating heart. With a cry of primal anger, Nicci held the bloody trophy up for his soldiers to see and promised them the same.

~Terry Goodkind, Chainfire

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

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:ack: :ack:

SoT meets Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Just what does Terry have with ripping organs out of the enemy's body with your bare hands??? Don't these people have a rib cage? Do they have a different anatomy???

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From Mad Moose's sig: "Grrratch luuug Raaaach aaarg!" ~ Terry Goodkind

Reading that just made me explode with laughter at my place of work! I had to leave the room! I'd forgotten all about Gratch in the years since I stopped reading TG. I can't believe I ever took that shit seriously! Christ!

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It's so bad! It's SO BAD! It's just so.. BAD!

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