GOODKIND IX - Killer Queen

[Watcher]

So let me get this straight. The Dharan army split up into many small group and one of these groups was able to sneak up on a large city (through enemy territory) with thousands of troops guarding it and kill them all....

This is very easy to do. You just have the women solider's camp followers what-have-you take off their tops and walked around the Old World half naked. Everyone will be so busy looking at them they won't notice what else is happening until its too late. For added effect, paint the rest of troops white. The war will be done before you know it.

What? Its worked before.

[Draco the Lizard]

And then an army of Gars will fly in and kill the remaining IO troups.

[Moosicus]

And then an army of Gars will fly in and kill the remaining IO troups.

Not this time. I'm pretty sure all the Gars (and dragons and mriswith) are dead. Though it never says so about them, that whole business with the chimes wiped out magic for a bit, so anything that depended on their magic to live, stopped living. I think this was a way for Terry (BBNC) to make his world (that he didn't build) less fantasy-like by removing those elements. Though the night wisps are still alive in Phantom for some reason.

[pat5150]

This will make most people here cringe, but I wanted to point out that Goodkind's PHANTOM just debuted at number 1 on the NYT list.

As such, TG now joins David Eddings, Robert Jordan, Neil Gaiman and George R. R. Martin as the only fantasy novelists to do so.

Mystar must be ecstatic!

Patrick

[VigoTheCarpathian]

To recap:

- 35-40 cities were razed, all resistors killed, bodies salted, fields raped, etc

- It all happened on the same night (at least in this one instance)

- It sounds like there were no casualties on the D'Haran side of things

My interpretation is that Richard's army apparently cannot fight the IO army-to-army (that's this whole guerilla-that-is-not-a-guerilla war). But apparently they do very well when fighting buildings, and armies/sorcerors that are in said buildings.

Is it just that the men they kill are stationary? Or do D'Harans get a Richard-like rage at people's home and lands, instead of at them in the field of battle?

[niamh]

pat, if he makes it to #1 at any time in Europe, I'll personally go out and Uzi random people. I dare hope we have more sense

[Moshe Goldberg Rubinshteyn]

Holy sh!t, I'm gone for a week or so (hot and humid TN), and you've finished my thread (VII), another thread (VIII) and are halfway through yet another one (IX). I have a lot of catching up to do.

Ah, and sorry Mad Moose, I got the PM, but I was too late for changing the thread title of (VII). You guys are way too fast for me. Anyway, appearantly, you managed to plod along without my intervention. Now let me go back and do some reading on (VII) and possibly (VIII) before I'll catch up with you guys sometimes during (X) and join the fray.

Btw. is someone saving those threads for posteriority? We should make a book out of them and send the proceeds to Ran.

[Jaxom 1974]

<a couple chapters later another messenger arrives>

“What word do you bring from our homeland?â€

The man hesitated. “Excellency, I am afraid that I must report some unsettling news. As the next supply train that was to follow after ours was assembling down in the Old World, it was set upon and destroyed. All the recruits who were to be sent north with the train to reinforce our army…well, I’m afraid, Excellency, that they were all killed. Their heads were left on stakes beside the road. The line of stakes stretched from one town to the next – both towns burned to the ground. A number of cities, along with forests and croplands, are burning. The fires are intense and, when the wind is right, we can smell the smoke even this far north. It is difficult to pin down exactly what is going on, except that the attacks are all reliably reported to be New World soldiers.â€

<snip>

I'm Spartacus! No! I am! I am! I'm Spartacus!

I also see D'Haran soldiers singing "When Johnnie Comes Marching Home" or whatever other songs soldiers may have sang in Sherman's army...

[Moosicus]

Btw. is someone saving those threads for posteriority? We should make a book out of them and send the proceeds to Ran.

I don't know about the threads themselves, but I've saved all the QotD's, mostly just to keep track of what's been done so far. Its a lot. 76 pages so far.

[The Wolf Maid]

And Richard's Army's acts are better and more righteous than what the IO does because of what? Moral celery? It's the same shit, just different 'ideologies'.

Doesn't TG even care for even a shred of realism in his works? There's little chance a strategy like this would ever succeed in the real world. They'd be slaughtered.

Not this time. I'm pretty sure all the Gars (and dragons and mriswith) are dead.

Does this mean Gratch is dead?

[Baeraad]

(*stares at the QotD for a long time*)

No. No. I'm not touching this one. It's is too stupid, even for me.

Take the snippet where Richard says to wage some hare-brained guerilla war on enemy territory since they cannot defeat the IO army head on, and someone objects that this will harm innocent people. Richard dismisses this as irrelevant, seeing as

1) The IO started it.

2) The good guys have the appropriate motivation for their actions.

I don't think either of those are the actual reason why morals are irrelevant in this case. In fact, Richard considers morals to always be irrelevant, though he wouldn't put it like that. What he calls "morals," most of us calls "self-preservation" (and what most of us calls "moral," Richard would probably call "propaganda spread by the weak in order to prevent the strong from taking their due." ). His main point here isn't that attacking the IO in this new way is the "right thing to do" - it's that it's the best way to win the war; hence, the best means for his side to protect themselves and their loved ones; hence, the most "moral" thing to do.

None of the rest of his speech is an argument in the strictest sense of the word. His troops, naturally enough, experience an emotional revulsion to the idea of targeting civilians. Richard, in turn, gives them an emotional argument ("they started it") to offset that and allow them to do what they have to. This is in line with the overall philosophy of the series, whereby emotions are a necessary part of being fully alive, but must nevertheless not be allowed to interfer with reason. Richard never demands of anyone that they put their feelings side; instead, he always tries to instill other feelings in them to cancel out the ones interfering with reason. Just like how the Sword of Truth increases the wielder's rage to offset his compassion, in fact.

Baerdad, that was a great defense of TG's work, much better than what mystar could ever come up with.

Thank you. I wonder what he'd say about my arguments, though. I mean, naturally he wouldn't say anything, he'd just insult people and claim that everyone in the entire universe but us looooooooves Terry and go "lol" a lot... but if he he could behave like a civilised person for ten seconds in a row, I wonder what he'd say about my arguments.

He is also never caught because this world does not have a police force as we would understand it.

He is caught at one point, actually. After killing a man in the middle of a crowded street. It's nice to know that D'hara's finest are up the challenge of capturing the most idiotic criminals imaginable... eventually.

Furthermore I request that this serious dissection of Goodkind's work desists instantly and a triumphant return to parody begin forthwith. Thank you.

But, dissecting is fun too! Or I think so, at least... though it may be because I'm a trusting little lamb and assumes that things make sense until proven otherwise. It's a great comfort for me to go through TG's work in detail and find that yes, it really is junk.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

No, Gratch cannot be dead...he's just pining for the fjords.

I'm guessing if Yeardi doesn't have him in the last book, then other "story arcs" will have him in there...he's just too awesome.

There exists a monster named Gratch

He smells like an unwashed snatch

If you kill his bloodflies

He'll gouge out your eyes

And rip off your arms, natch

(my pathetic attempt at TG limerickery)

ETA: Edited for spelling

[The Wolf Maid]

Richard never demands of anyone that they put their feelings side; instead, he always tries to instill other feelings in them to cancel out the ones interfering with reason. Just like how the Sword of Truth increases the wielder's rage to offset his compassion, in fact.

I like this partcular point. It makes me think Richard is becoming (if he isn't already) the human embodiment of the Sword of Truth, not only because he and the sword should be one (and the Seeker should be the weapon...I forgot what exactly Zedd said about this), but the 'morals' and even the 'powers' the sword has instilled in him, he now 'shares' with others who have chosen to follow him.

Consider this latest strategy from the QOTD:

The Sword of Truth makes Richard more or less invulnerable and amplifies his power, even againts insurmountable odds.

After joining Richard and embracing his ideology, the people who joined him are now invulnerable and 'powerful' as well. They triumph despite insurmountable odds (in this example the IO's massive trained army and stupid battle strategies).

On other words, If you are 'touched' by Richard, you get some 'powers' from him, too.

(In short, Richard is like a virus, taking over healthy cells and turning them into something like him.)

I think I just lost my point somewhere.

[Sad King Billy]

Richard is agent Smith from the Matrix!

Every one who touches him either dies or becomes an exact copy of R's belief system...

[Lightning Lord]

I like this partcular point. It makes me think Richard is becoming (if he isn't already) the human embodiment of the Sword of Truth, not only because he and the sword should be one (and the Seeker should be the weapon...I forgot what exactly Zedd said about this), but the 'morals' and even the 'powers' the sword has instilled in him, he now 'shares' with others who have chosen to follow him.

Consider this latest strategy from the QOTD:

The Sword of Truth makes Richard more or less invulnerable and amplifies his power, even againts insurmountable odds.

After joining Richard and embracing his ideology, the people who joined him are now invulnerable and 'powerful' as well. They triumph despite insurmountable odds (in this example the IO's massive trained army and stupid battle strategies).

On other words, If you are 'touched' by Richard, you get some 'powers' from him, too.

(In short, Richard is like a virus, taking over healthy cells and turning them into something like him.)

I think I just lost my point somewhere.

No, I got it. Your point is that Richard is a disease. I think that sums it up nicely. Kinda like in "Outbreak," he is the weaponised disease that those who control (TG BBHN) don't want a cure for.

[The Wolf Maid]

Richard is agent Smith from the Matrix!

Every one who touches him either dies or becomes an exact copy of R's belief system...

Of course!

No, I got it. Your point is that Richard is a disease. I think that sums it up nicely. Kinda like in "Outbreak," he is the weaponised disease that those who control (TG BBHN) don't want a cure for.

I also like to think of this thread and all the threads before it as the 'cure'.

I just had a weird thought on that. If we look at things, we could say that the QOTD are like the small shots of the rabies or cowpox administered to rabbits or cows (the board) so they could create antibodies (posts, like the parodies) to combat it. Eventually, the serum extracted from it becomes the cure or the vaccine against the disease.

...oh dear, my sister's nursing textbooks are taking its toll on me...

[theMountainGoat]

The following takes place between 7.00 am and 8.00 am. All events happen in real time.

- Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick

Dick Bauer enters his apartment having just completed his morning 10 mile run. He is sweaty but barely puffed out.

- Ring Ring, Ring Ring (the telephone rings)

DICK BAUER: 'Yeah, hello.'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'Richard?'

DICK BAUER: 'That's Dick to you. Who is this?'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'CTU Director Zeddicus here. I'm sorry to trouble you, I know you have retired now, but can you spare us a few minutes of your time. We need your expertise, I promise it will only be a few minutes, an hour tops. There is totally no way this will require another 24 hours of saving the world - honest.'

DICK BAUER: 'No way man, I choose life. Why should I risk myself for your benefit?'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'I know, but this will effect you too.'

DICK BAUER: 'Well alright then, only because it is a direct threat to my life and it will only be quick. There is no way at my age I can do 24 solid hours of world saving without sleep, food, drink or going to the toilet.'

- Dick laughs, Zedd laughs. Had anybody else been in this scene they would have laughed too.

CTU DIRECTOR: 'How soon can you get down here?'

DICK BAUER: 'Won't be for a while yet, your office is 27 miles away from where I live you know. I will get there as soon as I can.'

Dick hangs up the phone and goes to get changed, he would have eaten some celery but Richard does not require sustenance. He gets in his car and drives to CTU offices 27 miles away.

3 minutes later

DICK BAUER: 'Right I'm here, whats going on Zedd.'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'Terrorists calling themselves the Imperial Order have invaded California, taken over all our key military installations.'

DICK BAUER: 'Except for the Counter Terrorist Unit?'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'Yes. This place is top secret after all, how would they know about it?'

DICK BAUER: 'We are indeed fortunate that is such a well kept secret.'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'Listen, their army numbers in the hundreds of thousands. They came instantly out of nowhere, we had no intel on this coming our way at all. We were taken completely by surpise. We were caught with our pants completely down. This surprise attack came out of the blue and with such numbers there is no chance we can take them head on. A direct confrontation will be useless. We would lose if we try to take them on directly. We would be dead, finished, and as the last line of defence, we cannot fail. We cannot afford to drop the ball here. Absolutely no mistakes, no failures, no losing. You understand?'

DICK BAUER: 'My mind is struggling to grasp what you're saying, but I think I get it. I just realised I must have had amazing luck getting here without seeing any of this.'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'Thats why you are the only man for this job Dick. We need your luck and moral clarity to single handedly take on this entire army and defeat their leader.'

DICK BAUER: 'OK, tell me about this leader, how big is his yeard?'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'Oh, its not as big and impressive as yours Dick. His name is Jagang, he says that if we do not give him one billion, oh excuse me, one hundred billion dollars he will get inside our brains when we sleep at night and turn our dreams into nightmares.'

DICK BAUER: 'How does this effect me again, you know I never sleep.'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'We think this is just a diversion while his men raid the countryside. We have reports that they are raping our women, burning our crops, salting our fields and peeing in our swimming pools. And Dick they have your daughter.'

- Gasp!

DICK BAUER: 'Where do these terrorists come from?'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'From the south east - Mexico. The boundary had kept them out for so long. Now that it is gone beacuse of what you did at the end of the last series to stop that bomb going off, there is no telling how many of them are in our country now. But why do you ask this question, aren't you going to mount an insane solo rescue attempt to get your daughter back?'

DICK BAUER: 'Fuck her! She should have had more moral clarity and avoided the danger in the first place. I am going to do the only morally right thing and mount a solo campaign against this Imperial Order. When they hear what I have done to their lands they will instantly stop what they are doing here and return home to take on me. They will find their cities in ruins, their women raped with broom handles, their fields burned and salted. I will also crap in their swimming pools, they will be infuriated! I will demand they stop attacking California or I will keep on destroying their homes.'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'Erm, wouldn't that be like sinking to their level?'

DICK BAUER: 'Of course not. We are the Counter Terrorist Unit and it is not terrorism if we do it! Come on there is not a second to lose, let the righteous defence of our homeland by attacking theirs begin!'

- 37 minutes later

CTU DIRECTOR: Right we have destroyed 5 Imperial Order cities so far and killed ten thousand enemies and put their heads on stakes, burned and salted their field. What next Dick?'

DICK BAUER: 'Now we are going to crap in their swimming pools. I don't go to the toilet Zedd which is why I brought you along, even though I said earlier that I was going solo and this bit was totally not inserted after the author realised this continuity error at all, this is what your character was born to do!'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'Ah this is all so righteous it makes me want to cry!'

MESSENGER: 'Sir I have a message from Jagang. He says if you do not come to him instantly and surrender he will almost, very nearly, threaten but not actually do it, close but not quite, threaten to have sex with your daughter against her will!'

CTU DIRECTOR: 'I think he means to rape her Dick, what are you going to do?'

-Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick (the clock ticks up to 8.00 am, tune in next week for another preposterous episode of 24 TG style)

[The Wolf Maid]

I vote that he actually lets Jagang rape his daughter than he risk his life for others...

[Knight of the Wineskin]

Don't forget to use the word "glided" - this seems to come up in far too many of the QotDs to be entirely a coincidence. Terry's ideal sentence would probably begin "the thing instantly glided...", possibly ending with "whump!"

Glided is an odd word, it looks like it shouldn't be correct but it is. Wouldn't be the first time he's had trouble with his irregular verbs though; he has also used the word "shined" more than once.

Richard's shiny gliding thing instantly whumped his enemies?

[Jaxom 1974]

No, I got it. Your point is that Richard is a disease. I think that sums it up nicely. Kinda like in "Outbreak," he is the weaponised disease that those who control (TG BBHN) don't want a cure for.

Oh, Richard. Is this why Kahlan and Viole(n)t and Zedd and Jagangbang and Gratch and the drgaon whasername and Cara and Nicci and so many many others just can't quit you? *le sigh*