G--DK-ND(BBHN)XI

[Zadok]

Of course everything works out OK because it was 2 women. Imagine the way this scene would've played if one of Richard's male followers had "confessed" to him about his feelings for other men(and Richard in particular). I think the outcome may have been a bit more bloody.

[Xray the Enforcer]

Agreed with Errant Bard -- if anyone from Westeros put up that Yeard entry, that sucks. UrbanDictionary was funny, but Wikipedia is supposed to be neutral AND useful, and that kinda crap undermines both Wiki's credibility and ours. :mad:

[Sad King Billy]

I feel silly. ignore plz

edit: it looks like it's been removed.

[Zap Rowsdower]

One of the reasons I love these Goodkind threads is because they often lead to strange and funny places. if not for this tread I never would have learned of Garth Marenghi, and that would have been a tragedy.

I found his website and I was amused to read Things which you have said that I have replied to . Read that Q and A remeinded of Goodkind's chats and interviews.

Does anyone know if Darkplaces will ever be released on DVD in the US?

[Moosicus]

Wasn't this exact same description in another QOTD?

Balefire rocks!! Oh wait, that's right, he's never read WOT.....

Took a while to find it.

blew a melon-sized hole right through the center of his chest. Kronos’s eyes snapped wide. His mouth hang open in mute shock as his mind registered the irredeemable.

Through that hole, Nicci could see the sky. Almost instantly the internal pressure forced what remained of his surrounding organs into the void and then out the opening as Kronos’s mortally wounded body toppled back

~from Chainfire

The blast blew a mellon-sized hole through the center of the soldier’s chest. For an instant, before the internal pressure forced his organs to fill the sudden void, she could see men behind through the gaping hole in his chest.

~from Faith of the Fallen

[theMountainGoat]

Garth Merhengi's Darkplace is due for DVD release in the UK on 29th January 2007. I think a US release is highly unlikely but you could always get it imported.

All this talk of Darkplace got me thinking about this great show too and the inevitible happened, yup another parody from yours truly. It is quite a long one but I hope you will not mind. Allow me to proudly present to you:

TERRY GOODKIND'S DARKPLACE

'Hello. Ah you just caught me polishing my prized collection of human ears. All removed from the enemies of my formative years. My name is Terry Goodkind, you probably know me as the author of countless books including Stone of Tears, Naked Empire and Debt of Bones. But what you probably don't know is that twenty years ago, back in the Eighties, I wrote, produced, directed, catered for, whistled the theme tune and starred in my own television series. It was set in a hospital called Darkplace and it served as a vehicle for promoting the noble ideals of Objectivisim through the medium of terrifying, blood curdling, horror. It has never been aired, considered too extreme, too subversive and just too damn scary for the networks of the time. But at last it is here for you to watch and enjoy, complete with commentary from the cast to further your enjoyment. As a writer I create my own rules. If I want to start a sentance with a full stop, I will. If I want to create a deus ex machina magic thing to get me out of a plot cul-de-sac, I will do that too. This episode is an example of just that principle at work, marvel at how you never saw the ending coming.'

<opening titles with cheesy 80's style electro music and slow-mo video of the cast>

DARKPLACE

starring

Terry Goodkind as Doctor Richard Rhal MD

co-starring

Solarious Myne as Doctor Zedd Zeddicus Zorrandor MD

Dean Learner as Superintendant Demmin Nass

and also starring

Terry Goodkind as Nurse Khalan Amnell

<cast interview>

'Many people have asked me, Terry, why did you play the role of Nurse Khalan as well as Doctor Richard. How did you do the kissing sequences? Well far be it for me to spoil the magic of television . . . . . but we used a body double. Horrible woman, I hated having to do those scenes with her. She kept saying how stupid it looked for me to play the role when I had a yeard and she should be the one playing the nurse. She could never understand the simple truth that Doctor Richard is me as I would be as a doctor and Khalan is me as I would be if I were a woman. Simple.'

<scene 1 - The Superintendant's Office>

'Dammit Demmin, how long have we known each other? You can't do this!' Says Richard dramaticly.

'We've known each other a long time Richard, a long time. But I have a hospital to run and I can only do it sat from behind this desk. Mainly cos I had my legs blown off and my spine ripped out in the Dharan War ten years ago. But still you get my point.'

'Fine. I will go make the medicine for the children, but I warn you - if any of them grow up to be mass murderers, on your head be it. I won't be held responsible for that again.'

Nurse Khalan walks in.

'Now, now boys. What is all the shouting for? You are disturbing the patients.'

'Sorry Nurse Amnell, just an administrative disagreement.' Says Demmin Nass. Richard can barely speak, Nurse Khalan is just so beautiful. He feels like he has always known her. Her eyes have a piercing raptor like quality that won't let him go. Richard with a flick of his yeard stands up to leave the room.

'If you need me, I will be in the lab. Making the medicene - I don't know the recipe or ingredients at all but I remember what it tasted like. Nurse tell those children, everything is going to be alright.' Nurse Khalan blushes as her hero leaves to go do his job. Seconds after he is gone, Doctor Zedd enters the office.

'Superintendant - we have a problem. All of the patients in the south-west wing have lost one of their ears!'

'Their ears! What are you talking about man?'

'It is like the ears just got up and walked off under their own power. The patients don't remember it happening, just woke up and their ears were gone.'

'That's horrible! Oh the poor children!' Said Nurse Khalan in shocked dismay.

'We don't know what is going on, but we had best get to the bottom of this mystery - and fast. Oh and in an entirely unrelated incident their seems to be a lot of strange noise coming from the basement.'

'The basement? Where we hid all that nuclear waste from Dr Darken's terrible experiments?' Says the superintendant.

'What?' Say both Dr Zedd and Nurse Amnell together in more shocked dismay.

'Err, nothing. Forget I said anything.' Says the superintendant. 'If you will both get back to work I am very busy.' Both the doctor and Nurse Amnell leave the office. Outside Dr Zedd turns to the Nurse dressed in white and says,

'You know Nurse, I am not convinced those are unrelated incidents. I am going to go check out the basement.'

'Be careful Zedd.' Says Nurse Khalan.

'Always.' Says the brave doctor with a grin and a flick of his hair heading for the elevator.

<cast interview>

'When Terry approached me and asked me to play the role of Doctor Zedd, I jumped at the chance. I mean what an honour. Of course I would have gone through the casting couch process if he wanted, anything for my friend, you know. But he said he wrote the part for me. Some people said to me I was crazy, that Terry's productions were cursed. After all seven people on his last show had mental breakdowns and they never did find the lead actress after the accident. But I said, no the script is just too good. The deep meaning behind the show is too strong, I just have to do this part. So, thats what I did.'

<scene 2 - The Basement of Terror>

Doctor Zedd crept into the dark basement, looking around for clues as to what might be causing all the noise. Drip, drip. Some water dripped on the floor. Creak! A door suddenly creaked making the doctor jump.

'There is nothing here,' he declared, 'I am just scaring myself.'

Then as he turned a terrifying sight meet his eyes. His eyes could not believe what he was seeing. There before him was a giant ear walking on a pair of legs it had somehow grown. Before the doctor could react the giant walking ear slapped him round the head with its distended mutant lobe. The giant ear made a pleased laughing sound as it dragged the uncouncious doctor away.

<scene 3 - The Lab>

Oblivious to the fate of his colleague, Richard Rahl continues to mix a medicene for the children purely based on his memory of how it tasted. Nurse Khalan enters the lab to talk to the doctor.

'Richard. Have you heard?'

'The ears, yes. Terrible news. I will get right on it when I am done with the medicene.' He took a sip of his current concoction. 'No that's not quite right, needs more paprika.'

'I am so scared Richard - hold me.' Setting down the equipment, Doctor Richard Rahl pulled Nurse Khalan into an embrace. It felt like they had always known each other. 'Don't be afraid Khalan, I won't let anybody hurt you.' They kiss for what feels like an eternity. Moving their tongues around inside their own cheeks facing camera to make it seem like they are french kissing.

<cast interview>

'Ugh, disgusting woman. She offered to do that for real you know, vile little slut that she is.'

<scene 4 - Attack of the Mutant Killer Ears>

Demmin Nass was making his rounds with the use of his crutches.

'What is wrong with you patient?'

'I had my spine pulled out last week, it hurts so much.'

'Get up you cry baby! Choose life! If you wanted to choose life so much you would just instantly heal and get up like I did.'

'But it hurts!' Wailed the patient.

'Do you want to choose death? Do you? I can just kick you in the jaw if that's what you want?'

Just then the door burst open and a giant mutant ear entered the room and kicked Demmin Nass's crutches away making him fall over. He screamed as the ear jumped on top of him driving the air from his lungs with a perfectly preformed elbow drop. All up and down the ward, patients and staff alike screamed as wave after wave of giant mutant ears marched in and attacked everyone.

<cast interview>

'The giant mutant ears in this story represent the truth that people refuse to hear. Even though the ears have no mouths to speak the truth, this is just an added metaphor which highlights the nobility of listening to others.'

'So when your critics said that they were just men in crap costumes, how did you respond to that?' Asks an off camera interviewer.

'I never listen to critics.'

<scene 5 - Hero to the Rescue>

'Hark, whats that?' Said Doctor Richard letting Nurse Khalan go, 'It sounded like screams.' Rushing out into the hall our heroes see the whole hospital in chaos. Giant mutant ears are everywhere terrorising everybody.

'Quick Richard, kick them in the jaw.' Suggests Khalan.

'No I have a better idea.' Doctor Richard unbuckles his belt and drops his trousers. Nurse Khalan, despite the danger all around, takes the opportunity to look at his big barbed namble-like cock. Richard pulls his enormous penis out of the way and reaches around behind himself and pushes his hand straight up his arse!

'What are you doing Richard?' Says Khalan.

'Give me a hand nurse, pull.' Together they pull at something lodged in Richard's rectum. Slowly, inch by agonising inch a huge white shape emerged from his anus. It was around five feet in length and had two enormous giant cotton buds on either end.

'An enormous Q-Tip. How did you do that?'

'I am a Doctor of Medicine, remember?'

'My hero!' Khalan declares happily.

'Q-Tip be true this day.' Richard starts laying into the giant mutant ears with the Q-Tip of Truth. Every giant ear the cotton buds connected with vanished in a puff of smoke, as if by magic.

Bringer of death.

Richard lunged, pivoted, twirled and thwacked at every ear in sight. Soon the hospital was rid of every giant mutant ear.

'Oh my head. What happened?' Says Doctor Zedd staggering from the elevator.

'Doctor Zeddicus, Richard has saved the day again!' Says Khalan jubilantly.

'He still has a medicine to produce though. Your work is not over yet Doctor Rhal.' Said Demmin Nass coming up the corridor.

'Is a heroes work ever done?' Said Richard.

Khalan laughed, Zedd laughed, Demmin laughed, even Richard laughed. Everybody laughed.

<end credits roll as more cheesy 80's electronic music plays>

'There you have it. The hero, quite literally, pulls the answer to his problems out of his ass. I bet you never saw that coming. That is it for this episode of Terry Goodkind's Darkplace. Tune in next week to see the next terrifying episode entitled: Attack of the Giant Moral Celery. Goodnight.'

[Gylfie]

Ok, I need to know where "Big Barbed Namble Cock" came from.

I cannot rest until I know what the hell that's all about.

[Moosicus]

Ok, I need to know where "Big Barbed Namble Cock" came from.

I cannot rest until I know what the hell that's all about.

It comes from this

ETA: I have now gone through all the threads (I've been at it since 8 this morning) and have compiled links to every QotD. There have been 72 so far, I really need this vacation badly.

[Elrostar]

It comes from this

ETA: I have now gone through all the threads (I've been at it since 8 this morning) and have compiled links to every QotD. There have been 72 so far, I really need this vacation badly.

Clearly you need to make a webpage which has links to all the quotes of the day? Just so people don't have to sift through all the old threads and whatnot.

How are the last-minute preparations for the wedding coming along, anyway?

[Gylfie]

The horror... the horror.

Namble fucking? Really? I mean, really?

[Elrostar]

The horror... the horror.

Namble fucking? Really? I mean, really?

You hadn't been exposed to that before? Yes, there were horrors back in the early days of these Goodkind threads... It wasn't all just fun and giggles, with chickens that weren't chickens.

[Moosicus]

Clearly you need to make a webpage which has links to all the quotes of the day? Just so people don't have to sift through all the old threads and whatnot.

How are the last-minute preparations for the wedding coming along, anyway?

I was considering just posting the links at the beginning of new threads, I'm too lazy to make my own website. Maybe Mindonner will post them on hers, I'll send her the links if she wants.

The wedding is all ready to go, just waiting for the people to arrive so we can get this show on the road.

[Moosicus]

Of course everything works out OK because it was 2 women. Imagine the way this scene would've played if one of Richard's male followers had "confessed" to him about his feelings for other men(and Richard in particular). I think the outcome may have been a bit more bloody.

At some point in the next book, Richard is going to walk in on his bodyguards Ulic and Egan fucking each other. They'll ask Richard to join in. Richard will be speechless while he mulls over his feelings of embarassment, confusion, and curiosity. Finally he will be overcome by the rage of the sword and kills the two of them with one mighty blow (no pun intended). Afterwards he will go on for chapters about his guilt, regret, and ongoing curiosity.

[Elrostar]

I was considering just posting the links at the beginning of new threads, I'm too lazy to make my own website. Maybe Mindonner will post them on hers, I'll send her the links if she wants.

The wedding is all ready to go, just waiting for the people to arrive so we can get this show on the road.

Hell, I've been thinking of adding a TG page to my website, actually. I might add all the QotD links to that if you add them at the beginning of the next thread.

[Moosicus]

Hell, I've been thinking of adding a TG page to my website, actually. I might add all the QotD links to that if you add them at the beginning of the next thread.

Will do. Seems we're getting to that next thread pretty soon, tomorrow maybe, unless the night shift really turns it on. So what shall we have for the next thread title? Suggestions?

ETA: GOODKIND XII: Give in to your filthy perversion

[Elrostar]

Will do. Seems we're getting to that next thread pretty soon, tomorrow maybe, unless the night shift really turns it on. So what shall we have for the next thread title? Suggestions?

ETA: GOODKIND XII: Give in to your filthy perversion

This reminds me... what does ETA stand for in this context, anyway? Because estimated time of arrival doesn't make sense...

Anyway, I was going to suggest something like, Kahlan is a Dirty Whore?

[Moosicus]

This reminds me... what does ETA stand for in this context, anyway? Because estimated time of arrival doesn't make sense...

Anyway, I was going to suggest something like, Kahlan is a Dirty Whore?

"Kahlan is a dirty whore" works for me.

The ETA stands for "Edited To Add".

[Errant Bard]

Goodkind XII: chickens on a plane

[Greased Scotsman]

I like "Give into your filthy perversion"

My 2 cents

[Moosicus]

Are we going to hold to the "whoever gets the 400th post gets to start the new thread" deal?

btw, "Chickens on a plane", sweet. "Are you a chicken mother fucker!" yelled Samuel L Rahl.