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Goodkind 54: How to Revive a Dead Dick


Myshkin

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On ‎4‎/‎26‎/‎2016 at 4:47 AM, sologdin said:

do we have a top ten most ludicrous goodkind bits?  i know that the statutes of revolution are on there.  the no-chicken.  the namble cock.  what else?

The slaughter of the hippies is certainly one of Goodkind's Greatest Hits:-

They raced out from the long shadows of the buildings and poured around the corner. The people off at the end of the street all turned when they spotted Richard's force coming. More people--men and women from the city--surged into the street in front of the compound of buildings the soldiers had taken oup as barracks and a command post. The people looked like a scraggly lot.

"No war! No war! No war!" the people shouted as Richard led the men up the street at a dead run.

"Out of the way!" Richard yelled as he closed the distance. This was no time for subtlety or discussions: the success of their attack depended in large part on speed. "Get out of the way! This is your only warning! Get out of the way or die!"

"Stop the hate! Stop the hate!" the people chanted as they locked arms.

They had no idea how much hate was raging through Richard. He drew the Sword of Truth. The wrath of its magic didn't come out with it, but he had enough of his own. He slowed to a trot.

"Move!" Richard called as he bore down on the people.

A plump, curly-haired woman took a step out from the others. Her round face was red with anger as she screamed. "Stop the hate! No war! Stop the hate! No war!"

"Move or die!" Richard yelled as he picked up speed.

The red-faced woman shook her fleshy fist at Richard and his men, leading an angry chant. "Murderers! Murderers! Murderers!"

On his way past her, gritting his teeth as he screamed with the fury of the attack begun, Richard took a powerful swing, lopping off the woman's head and upraised arm. Strings of blood and gore splashed across the faces behind her even as some still chanted their empty words. The head and loose arm tumbled through the crowd. A man mad the mistake of reaching for Richard's weapon, and took the full weight of a charging thrust.

Men behind Richard hit the line of evil's guardians with unrestrained violence. People armed only with their hatred for moral clarity fell bloodied, terribly injured, and dead. The line of people collapsed before the merciless charge. Some of the people, screaming their contempt, used their fists to attack Richard's men. They were met with swift and deadly steel.

At the realization that their defense of the Imperial Order's brutality would actually result in consequences to themselves, the crowd began scattering in fright, screaming curses back at Richard and his men.

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Not to mention Kahlan threatening her sister with gang-rape (after said  sister has suffered a complete mental breakdown, due to rape and torture).

Tell Cyrilla that she had better hope for the fate I have just described, because if the Order does not come through Galea, I will. I have promised no mercy to the Order. Galea's treason condemns her to the same fate as the Order. If the Order does not get Cyrilla, than I swear I will, and when I get her, I am going to take her back to Aydindril and I'm going to personally throw her back down into that pit from which you rescued her, and I am going to leave her down there with every criminal brute I can find for as long as she lives

 

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Dick breaking out of prison and slaughtering dozens of guards before being arrested? And then the prison guard captain, instead of punishing him, asks him to join his football team because he is clearly so fucking rad?

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19 minutes ago, sologdin said:

textual locus for the jaw-kicking? and the spine-ripping?

Princess Violet glared at him. "My mother says that Confessor Kahlan will come back and that we'll have a surprise for her the next time she comes here. I just want you to know because my mother said you'll be dead by then. My mother says I get to decide what to do to her. First, I'm going to cut off her hair. " Her hands were in fists, her face red. "Then i'm going to let all the guards rape her, every one! Then I'm going to put her in the dungeon for a few years so they'll have someone to play with! Then when I get tired of hurting her, I'll have her head chopped off and put it on a pole where I can watch it rot!"

Richard actually felt sorry for the little Princess. The sadness for her came over him in a wave. At that feeling, he was surprised to feel the thing in him that had come awake rise up.

Princess Violet squeezed her eyes shut, stuck her tongue out far as she could.

It was like a red flag.

The strength of the awakened power exploded through him.

He could feel her jaw shattter like a crystal goblet on a stone floor when his boot came up under it. The impact of the blow lifted the Princess into the air. Her own teeth severed her tongue before they, too, shattered. She landed on her back, a good distance away, trying to scream through the gushing blood.

That's how you should treat bad-mannered little girls.

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28 minutes ago, sologdin said:

textual locus for the jaw-kicking? and the spine-ripping?

The rage in Drefan's eyes was nothing to match the rage thundering into Richard's heart.

"Drop the sword, drefan, now. Or I will kill you."

Drefan swept the sword around. "How? With your bare hands?"

Richard vividly remembered what Zedd had told him when first giving him the Sword of Truth: the sword was only a tool: the Seeker was the weapon. a true seeker didn't need the sword.

Richard started forward. "And with hate in my heart."

"I will enjoy killing you, at last, Richard. even if you don't have a weapon."

"I am the weapon."

Richard was running. The distance between them shrank at an alarming rate. Kahlan screamed for him to get away. He hardly heard her. Richard was committed.

Drefan lifted the sword overhead, pulling a breath in preparation to cleave Richard.

That was the opening. Richard knew that a thrust was faster than a cut.

He was in the iron grip of deadly determination.

Richard was lost in the dance with death.

Drefan bellowed in rage as the sword started down.

Richard dropped to his left knee, through the opening, using his forward momentum and a twist of his torso to add force to his strike. Fingers straight and stiff, he drove his arm ahead with all his might.

Before the sword could touch him, Richard struck like lightning, driving his hand through Drefan's soft middle. In the blink of an eye, he had seized Drefan's spinal column and yanked it back out, ripping it apart.

Drefan pitched backward, crashing against the sliph's well, slumping down in a spreading, crimson flood........

Drefan, leaning up against the well of the sliph where he had fallen, somehow still hanging to a thread of life, was holding up the sword. Richard was lying right there, on the floor, within reach. Drefan was going to kill him.

"No!" Kahlan screamed.

But the sword was alrady sweeping down. Faint, maniacal laughter drifted on the air.

Kahlan threw her fist up, calling the blue lightning to protect Richard. It didn't come. She was blocked from her power.

Cara was already diving toward Drefan, but she was too far away. She wasn't going to make it. The sword was halfway there.

A silver arm swept down and seized Drefan' arm, holding it tight. Kahlan held her breath.

Another liquid silver arm enveloped Drefan's head. "Breathe," the sliph cooed, a voice promising the sating of bestial lust, a voice promisng rapture. "I wish you to please me. Breathe."

Drefan's chest rose as he inhaled the sliph.

He went still, holding the sliph in his lungs. The sliph freed him, and he slumped to the side. His breath left him, releasing the sliph he had inhaled.

It drained from his mouth and nose, not silver, but red.

Wielding a sword after having had your spine ripped out is pretty impressive.

 

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5 minutes ago, sologdin said:

fanfuckingtastic, sean.  i hadn't realized that the jaw-kicking was merged with the thing-rising.  awesome!

In fairness to Richard, he had been sexually abused and tortured with a vibrator by one of the Mord Sith, over the course of several dozen pages, prior to this point.

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Sooo... I find myself in the possession of a couple hundred Tairy book-stickers (for the latest one, I believe), hand-autographed by the man himself.

Any creative ideas on what to do with them? ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ah, it's like Mad Moose's QOTD all over again. *sheds single evil collectivist tear* I had truly forgotten how bad the actual writing of this shit was. 

ETA: so as for classically bad bits, may I also offer:

- Nicci disguising herself by getting her tits out

- Dick identifying an antidote by remembering how it tasted

- The not even thinly veiled Clinton analogues in ...ah, whateverthefuck book it was that had the chicken in

- Something something Richard can't eat meat oh wait now he can because Reasons

- Pirate plumbers

- BAN FIRE

- Let's assassinate K's brother Harold who turned up under a flag of truce bcos he disagrees with Dick

- that bit where Dick goes to hide in the mountains because people have to deserve victory before he'll bother to help them and anyway their country is fucked because of political correctness gone mad

- every single other thing that happens in these ridiculous books 

 

 

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  • 4 months later...

Nest: a paranormal thriller by Terry Goodkind coming 15th November 2016

Quote

A departure from Goodkind’s epic fantasy series The Sword of Trurth, Nest is a paranormal thriller about one woman’s quest to track down the super-predator who murdered her brother. She is lead deep into the darknet and a deadly shadow world of clandestine intelligence operations, all towards an ultimate confrontation with the source of true evil.

#1 New York Times bestselling author Terry Goodkind reinvents the paranormal thriller with a provocative, page-turning walk among evil.

Kate Bishop is in a world of trouble.

In the wake of several inexplicable and brutal murders, Kate is thrust into a police inquiry that reveals shocking family secrets. Suddenly exposed to a shadowy network of global evil, her life takes a dramatic turn with the arrival of Jack Raines, an author with a mysterious past, who says he has the answers to her questions. What’s more, he suggests that Kate herself might be the solution.

But hot on their heels are a force of super-predators, vicious and bloodthirsty killers who will stop at nothing until Kate and Jack are eliminated. Like Jack, they’ve realized just how special Kate is, and now she’s marked for death.

An explosive mix of action and suspense, Nest is a landmark new novel from worldwide bestselling author Terry Goodkind, and a complete reinvention of the paranormal thriller. Travel with Goodkind on a dangerous journey to the back alleys of the darknet, to the darkest corners of our minds, and to the very origins of what it is to be human, a place few have ventured and fewer still have survived.

:P

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Suddenly exposed to a shadowy network of global evil, her life takes a dramatic turn with the arrival of Jack Raines, an author with a mysterious past, who says he has the answers to her questions. What’s more, he suggests that Kate herself might be the solution.

I can't quite decide if the mysterious author Jack Raines is going to end up being a poorly-disguised stand-in for Goodkind or if he's going to be Richard Rahl. He might quite possibly end up being both.

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Jack Raines, an author living on the edge, out of control until he meets the only woman who can tame his yeard.

On the plus side of things, if Hillary wins the election maybe Goodkind will have some kind of psychotic break and won't be able to write for a while, before returning and making her a demonic, evil villain in a future novel. Again.

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